BM shotgun wedding timing

[Deleted User]

I'm coming to the defense of your friend.  One of my MOHs also had a "shotgun wedding" (her words in how she describes it to this day) because she became pregnant while in the middle of planning her own wedding. She quickly scrambled at six months pregnant to pull together her wedding in a week.  It was a very trying time for her, and she needed support at that time than ever before. I, personally, didn't agree with her situation and how it was being handled but I knew she needed me and that's what mattered.

Your friend needs your support during this time. Step back from the wedding and look at this situation as a friend, not a bride.

jenna8984

klpeltie said:

klpeltie said:

No no, these dates were already planned and reservationa have been made by my mom and maid of honor and wanted to control them to fit her schedule.... sooo...sure bending over backwards yeah. And I have been nothing but supportive. Really the only one bc she hasn't been with/known him very long and goes through BF's like nobody''s business. I have spent my entire friendship bending over backwards for her...she took advantage of me before and I forgave her. I just wanted one day that was mine. The only friends I am inviting now have to choose between mine and hers...they can't afford to fly to both since they are so close together (same pay period) in the heart of winter. And for all you haters..."Shotgun wedding" was her terminology not mine. And if I was in her shoes I wouldn't do this... I would have a little more respect and consideration for the one person that was always there for them.

 First bolded - Stop being so selfish and dramatic. She was likely not trying to "control the dates" for malicious reasons as much as she knew you'd be totally unwilling to look outside of your own ego and self-absorption to be happy for her and understand that she's got her own life happening. I'd be willing to bet that you'd be irate with her if she didn't come to your shower at all. So here she is, trying to make it all work.

Second bolded - oh, yeah, sure, you sound SUPER supportive. 

Third bolded - What, exactly, is she supposed to do here? What do you think would be the best course of action for her? Should she terminate the pregnancy and break up with her fiance in order to ensure that all of the attention is on you at all times? 

You my dear are way out of line. And how dare you even have the audacity to even say such cruel things. It's the principal of the matter. She is not due til well after my wedding which is 5 months away. You just don't know her nor her track record. I am in no way shape or form mad about her pregnancy. I actually planned on knitting stuff for the baby why on plane to my honeymoon. It is in fact the timing and the fact she was irritated that I cannot go. It Has Nothing to do with the attention either. I could care less. It's about being inconsiderate to the fact that the same people are invited and will now have to choose. I also wouldn't be irate if she wasn't able to make it to the shower or party. Things come up....I understand. I work a lot and travel all the time. I am very understanding. I have been there for all of my friends in need and never judge. You guys don't know me and that is fine. I was just looking for help/advice and it was ignorant to go to the Internet, especially when you guys don't have the full context. Good day.

LOL this is my favorite- but she has plenty of time! Sweetie, if your wedding is 5 months away and she's already at least 1 month pregnant, then you are expecting her to wait until after your wedding and have her own when she is 6-8 months pregnant?? When she is most swollen and uncomfortable. When she probably can't stand for long period of time. When she has the potential to go into early labor. Do you hear how crazy that sounds. She is allowed to get married whenever she chooses and it's NOT stealing anything from yours.

JediElizabeth

Seriously. Should she get married the same weekend as you wedding - the Sunday to your Saturday? Would that work so all your friends wouldn't have to fly twice? Or would that make her a bad friend for stealing your weekend?

It sounds like she (a) didn't have many options, (b) tried to be considerate of you and your friends, and (c) put her needs first, because her wedding and pregnancy are about her and her fiancé (not you or your wedding). What would you really have her do? Try to plan a wedding in a month? Try to walk down the aisle 7 months pregnant? It doesn't sound like you're thinking through her situation much at all.

redoryx

With friends like these who needs enemies? 

db1984

I actually planned on knitting stuff for the baby why on plane to my honeymoon.

Is that even allowed any more?

MairePoppy

db1984 said:

I actually planned on knitting stuff for the baby why on plane to my honeymoon.

Is that even allowed any more?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/31/what-can-you-bring-on-plane_n_6886064.html

hellohkb

ETA: At least I pray to God it is.

climbingsingle

db1984 said:

I actually planned on knitting stuff for the baby why on plane to my honeymoon.

Is that even allowed any more?

Oh, well that changes EVERYTHING.

lnixon8

I would have been happy to go to a wedding after my shower: hair and makeup already done, cute dress on, and one less spray tan to pay for. 

TheCheeseWench

Looks like someone needs to find her big girl panties.

MyNameIsNot

klpeltie said:

No no, these dates were already planned and reservationa have been made by my mom and maid of honor and wanted to control them to fit her schedule.... sooo...sure bending over backwards yeah. And I have been nothing but supportive. Really the only one bc she hasn't been with/known him very long and goes through BF's like nobody''s business. I have spent my entire friendship bending over backwards for her...she took advantage of me before and I forgave her. I just wanted one day that was mine. The only friends I am inviting now have to choose between mine and hers...they can't afford to fly to both since they are so close together (same pay period) in the heart of winter. And for all you haters..."Shotgun wedding" was her terminology not mine. And if I was in her shoes I wouldn't do this... I would have a little more respect and consideration for the one person that was always there for them.

Nope, not judgmental at all.

I wish I could agree that this is mud, but I know that people who are sadly this self centered and judgmental exist. 

Hopefully this poor BM realizes what a toxic friend OP is and drops her. 

lyndausvi

Is she having this kind of shotgun wedding:

or this kind:

Heffalump

klpeltie said:

You guys don't know me and that is fine. I was just looking for help/advice and it was ignorant to go to the Internet, especially when you guys don't have the full context. Good day.

I'm sorry, when you posted this, were you under the impression that people did know you? 

Oh, I know:  you didn't like the advice you received, so suddenly the opinions you asked for were worthless. 

ryanandjoe4

I had a friend that got married at a shooting range, on V-day. they won the wedding through a radio station.. The range gave them a shotgun, and we were able to shoot on the range after wards.. there was a horrible snow storm, we made it because they are great friends, and wouldn't have missed it for the world she is my MOH and my FI groomsman.. it was really cute and fit them so well. In March she had DD and they are happy with their wedding! we got one weeks notice, and still got them gifts, for wedding, shower, and baby coming, with in two months. only thing that we joke about is how they were expensive friends for two months (they started that). We never judged them for getting amrried in this way the bride even says that it was the most fitting wedding. and they may have a vow renewal at 5 or 10 years but only to have the reception since they had to cancel there's due to snow..

If their wedding was two weeks before mine we would have done the same thing.. I don't see a problem here.. she is trying to make sure that she doesn't interfere with your wedding.. she could have just planned it and not told you but got an invite.. she didn't have to do all she has done to make sure she isn't causing issues with your per-wedding parties.. is she even getting these parties, I know that my friend is upset that with the timing of her wedding she didn't get a shower, or a b-Party.. so try to look at her side, she could be complaining that you get them when she doesn't and causing all sorts of drama about how Jealous she is (not saying she is purely hypothetical)..

aurianna

No, we don't know you. We do not know the entire situation.
This is why you should listen to us.

We have no skin in this game. We have no reason to take anyone's side. We are unbiased people.

Your calling her knocked-up, talking about how she barely knows this guy, how she goes through boyfriends like crazy... these are all things, that to innocent bystanders, sound very, very judgmental of your friend.
If your friend came to this thread and read it, I think she'd be very hurt.
If your mutual friends came here and read this thread, I'm not so sure they wouldn't think poorly of you here.


As far as her asking about changing the shower/bach dates, just for your own peace of mind, consider that she wasn't trying to "take control" for the sake of taking control, but rather so people who were already coming in town for those events for you would already be in town for her wedding. It's very possible that she was trying to be considerate of other people's travel plans. Since these events are not for another 4+ months, she might have thought they weren't set in stone and figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.
If you really think she had some sort of nefarious motives, why are you friends with her?


You get one wedding day.
She gets one wedding day.

No matter what, her picking one two weeks before yours does not make her inconsiderate / bad friend / unsupportive / etc.


Did you ever consider any of the logistics from her point of view?

Maybe her wedding isn't several months before yours she won't have time to plan it. Or she's worried she'll still be suffering from morning sickness on her wedding day. Ever consider that?

Maybe her wedding isn't long after yours because she doesn't want to be heavily pregnant at her own wedding. I am almost 6 months pregnant right now, and I already feel huge and tire out very easily. Odds are she wants to feel beautiful on her wedding day, wants to be able to dance, wants to enjoy her wedding night and maybe even a honeymoon, without being gigantic and worrying about going into labor any second. Don't you want those things for your friend?

This means her wedding might need to be close to yours.


I know you're upset that it might split the guest list, but that's just life. Many friends will still make both weddings. Not every date works for every guest. Just because every single person you invite might not come does not mean you won't still have a wonderful wedding.


You need to pause here. You need to reread the things you're saying about your friend.
You need to realize your wedding is not the most important thing in anyone's life except your and your fiance, and that's ok!
You need to stop for a moment, put yourself in her shoes, and realize her plans are very likely NOT meant to spite yours and just happen to be what works best for her and her new family.

STARMOON44

Ask her what dates are good for the bridal and baby showers you'll be throwing her?

MesmrEwe

OP - Get a bottle of wine, put on "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", and have your pitty party over the BM "Stealing Your Thunder".  She's going to have her wedding, you're going to have yours.  They're two weeks off from eachother.  At the end of the day, it's really no big deal.  Ask if you can toss a Baby shower the day of the Bridal Shower/Bach. party and really take care of everything at once...

JediElizabeth

MesmrEwe said:

OP - Get a bottle of wine, put on "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", and have your pitty party over the BM "Stealing Your Thunder".  She's going to have her wedding, you're going to have yours.  They're two weeks off from eachother.  At the end of the day, it's really no big deal.  Ask if you can toss a Baby shower the day of the Bridal Shower/Bach. party and really take care of everything at once...

I feel like this should be our go-to advice for any drama. "Did you do this? Did it work? No? Ok, then, here's what you should do...."

southernbelle0915

Don't listen to all these mean women, OP. They're just jealous.

Contact your "friend" (what kind of a friend gets pregnan, with an illegitimate child no less, before YOUR wedding?!) and give her, like, 3 or 4 dates she can get married. Dates that work for you, obviously. If she doesn't change her plans, then write her off as a bad friend because you DESERVE your super special princess day without any distractions in the surrounding weeks.

randomslove

klpeltie said:

You my dear are way out of line. And how dare you even have the audacity to even say such cruel things. It's the principal of the matter. She is not due til well after my wedding which is 5 months away. You just don't know her nor her track record. I am in no way shape or form mad about her pregnancy. I actually planned on knitting stuff for the baby why on plane to my honeymoon. It is in fact the timing and the fact she was irritated that I cannot go. It Has Nothing to do with the attention either. I could care less. It's about being inconsiderate to the fact that the same people are invited and will now have to choose. I also wouldn't be irate if she wasn't able to make it to the shower or party. Things come up....I understand. I work a lot and travel all the time. I am very understanding. I have been there for all of my friends in need and never judge. You guys don't know me and that is fine. I was just looking for help/advice and it was ignorant to go to the Internet, especially when you guys don't have the full context. Good day.

So much to address...

To both the first and last: That's part of the great thing about this internet we're all using. It will point out when you're wrong, regardless of what YOU think. It will judge based ONLY on what you give it. You didn't give us all of the facts apparently. Is that our fault? No. We judge based on what we're given. Perhaps you should be more careful when you post if this upsets you.

To the second: We don't know her track record. Apparently you "forgave" her... except you keep bringing up the past as though you haven't. Either you forgave her and have moved past it, or you're secretly holding onto it. Either way, be honest with yourself. If you're holding on to it and/or she keeps doing the same stuff, you probably should not be her friend. It may be time to say goodbye.

Three: Yeah, because giving someone a gift negates you from having any issues with their actions. By that logic, anyone who has given a gift at a PPD clearly has no issue with it. Basically, I'm saying this is irrelevant. Your words are showing us the opposite.

Four: So you could care less? Meaning you care? I know this probably results from being ignorant that "couldn't care less" is the correct phrase, since that's the one that indicates a lack of care, but it could be a Freudian slip, or just amusing for those reading.

To the fifth and last: See the first. You chose to post anonymously on the internet, giving very little context (so you say and are surprised when your bitterness reads loud and clear? No, you don't get to control how people on the internet post. I suggest you read through all of these comments, take some time for self-reflection, then decide what her friendship means to you, and how it impacts your life. Move on from there. Good luck.

db1984

Huh, didn't know they were allowed again.  Strangely enough, I did know about the antlers.

MairePoppy said:

db1984 said:

I actually planned on knitting stuff for the baby why on plane to my honeymoon.

Is that even allowed any more?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/31/what-can-you-bring-on-plane_n_6886064.html

Knottie1445357138.defunct635834028239190458

I'm gonna go against the grain and take OP's side on this.... it sucks that you have so many mutual friends that will now have to choose between your weddings. I would be pretty upset if one of my friends did that to me, and potentially caused some close friends to miss your wedding when they otherwise would have been able to attend. OP's not being a bridezilla, I don't think she would have posted if there were zero mutual friends involved. 

There's not really anything you can do but I don't think you deserve this wave of personal attacks. Sorry dude.

ryanandjoe4

Knottie1445357138 said:

I'm gonna go against the grain and take OP's side on this.... it sucks that you have so many mutual friends that will now have to choose between your weddings. I would be pretty upset if one of my friends did that to me, and potentially caused some close friends to miss your wedding when they otherwise would have been able to attend. OP's not being a bridezilla, I don't think she would have posted if there were zero mutual friends involved. 

There's not really anything you can do but I don't think you deserve this wave of personal attacks. Sorry dude.

Don't revive a zombie just to say things that have already been addressed..

InLoveInQueens

Knottie1445357138 said:

I'm gonna go against the grain and take OP's side on this.... it sucks that you have so many mutual friends that will now have to choose between your weddings. I would be pretty upset if one of my friends did that to me, and potentially caused some close friends to miss your wedding when they otherwise would have been able to attend. OP's not being a bridezilla, I don't think she would have posted if there were zero mutual friends involved. 

There's not really anything you can do but I don't think you deserve this wave of personal attacks. Sorry dude.

So you resurrect a dead thread to say basically nothing?

aurianna

InLoveInQueens said:

Knottie1445357138 said:

I'm gonna go against the grain and take OP's side on this.... it sucks that you have so many mutual friends that will now have to choose between your weddings. I would be pretty upset if one of my friends did that to me, and potentially caused some close friends to miss your wedding when they otherwise would have been able to attend. OP's not being a bridezilla, I don't think she would have posted if there were zero mutual friends involved. 

There's not really anything you can do but I don't think you deserve this wave of personal attacks. Sorry dude.

So you resurrect a dead thread to say basically nothing?

Hey, she said stuff!
Granted it was just self-centered validation just feeding into OP's "it's all about me. Eff my friend and her baby and her life" mentality. But she did manage to string some words together.
Everybody gets a trophy.

CMGragain

Ah!  I was in Europe when this was posted, so I missed it.

I remember the days of "shotgun weddings", and it was LONG before 1970!  Some couples from those days made a very good marriage, and are still happily married. We wished them well.
So your BM and her FI have decided to get married, and there is a baby on the way?  Wonderful news!  I hope you congratulated them on both events, and extended your best wishes for their future.