The Wedding from Hell - Please don't do this crap to your friends

charlottesmom0626

I just can't believe you went along with all that..

Had I done research and known glamping wasn't an option, I'd ask what time the ceremony was and explain that we wouldn't be able to attend the entire weekend, but we wouldn't miss the wedding. 

Bundle up, drive there for the day, attend wedding, go home (or nice hotel) for a bed. 

Then I'd probably show up at the "second" wedding of the day, get pissed that it wasn't the only wedding; feign illness or complain about the cold and GTFO. 

But I'm also a bitch, so there's that. 

PrettyGirlLost

bostonbride2015 said:

banana468 said:

I'm just curious if your DH will actually mention anything to the groom ever. 

That's a really good question, and I'm honestly not sure.  My DH is an extremely loyal friend.  Exceptionally loyal.  His closest friends have been his closest friends literally since childhood.  He prides himself on this loyalty and on being there for his friends through thick and thin.  To use this wedding as an example, he is NOT an outdoorsman at all and is not comfortable camping.  But he was determined to stay in the cabins, even though he's not a camper and we were freezing cold, because there is no way he wouldn't be there for his buddy's wedding.

But this whole event really has him shaken.  I think he feels really sad that he was treated so poorly, and he is struggling to understand why his friend would treat him this way because DH would NEVER treat one of his friends like this. I think some of it can be chalked up to the fact that this G is pretty socially naive and probably not at all familiar with traditional etiquette rules, and all indications are that many if not all of these decisions were made by B.  But it's 2015.  G doesn't get a free pass for a poorly planned wedding just because he happens to be the owner of a Y chromosome.  Even so, I think it's highly unlikely DH will ever say anything.  I think it's more likely that he'll call it water under the bridge and we'll just find an excuse to dodge any other social event that this couple plans.  Ever.

That's great, I'm a loyal friend as well.  I'm sure many people on this board are.   You can be a fiercely loyal person and still maintain certain standards and boundaries in life, lol.  And not every person in your life is even deserving of such loyalty all the time.

There's loyalty, and then there's allowing oneself to be taken advantage of and then there's just stubbornness.  Staying in that shitty cabin for multiple days was not loyalty. . . that was sheer stubbornness.

I'm sorry your husband had to experience such a prolonged Come to Jesus moment and that you choose to be collateral damage for it, but I hope he has now realized that this friend was a shitty friend to you both, and I hope you guys let this couple know that their wedding was a shitty, miserable time for you as guests.  I also hope your DH realizes he can still be a loyal friend without giving up electricity, running water, and heat for 3 days again.

banana468

PrettyGirlLost said:

bostonbride2015 said:

banana468 said:

I'm just curious if your DH will actually mention anything to the groom ever. 

That's a really good question, and I'm honestly not sure.  My DH is an extremely loyal friend.  Exceptionally loyal.  His closest friends have been his closest friends literally since childhood.  He prides himself on this loyalty and on being there for his friends through thick and thin.  To use this wedding as an example, he is NOT an outdoorsman at all and is not comfortable camping.  But he was determined to stay in the cabins, even though he's not a camper and we were freezing cold, because there is no way he wouldn't be there for his buddy's wedding.

But this whole event really has him shaken.  I think he feels really sad that he was treated so poorly, and he is struggling to understand why his friend would treat him this way because DH would NEVER treat one of his friends like this. I think some of it can be chalked up to the fact that this G is pretty socially naive and probably not at all familiar with traditional etiquette rules, and all indications are that many if not all of these decisions were made by B.  But it's 2015.  G doesn't get a free pass for a poorly planned wedding just because he happens to be the owner of a Y chromosome.  Even so, I think it's highly unlikely DH will ever say anything.  I think it's more likely that he'll call it water under the bridge and we'll just find an excuse to dodge any other social event that this couple plans.  Ever.

That's great, I'm a loyal friend as well.  I'm sure many people on this board are.   You can be a fiercely loyal person and still maintain certain standards and boundaries in life, lol.  And not every person in your life is even deserving of such loyalty all the time.

There's loyalty, and then there's allowing oneself to be taken advantage of and then there's just stubbornness.  Staying in that shitty cabin for multiple days was not loyalty. . . that was sheer stubbornness.

I'm sorry your husband had to experience such a prolonged Come to Jesus moment and that you choose to be collateral damage for it, but I hope he has now realized that this friend was a shitty friend to you both, and I hope you guys let this couple know that their wedding was a shitty, miserable time for you as guests.  I also hope your DH realizes he can still be a loyal friend without giving up electricity, running water, and heat for 3 days again.






This. I'd probably say it like, "We needed a vacation to recover from that cabin weekend for your wedding!"

I don't know that I'd set out to pick a fight but as a friend, I'd let my friend know that a good time was NOT had by all.

PrettyGirlLost

banana468 said:

bostonbride2015 said:

banana468 said:

I'm just curious if your DH will actually mention anything to the groom ever. 

That's a really good question, and I'm honestly not sure.  My DH is an extremely loyal friend.  Exceptionally loyal.  His closest friends have been his closest friends literally since childhood.  He prides himself on this loyalty and on being there for his friends through thick and thin.  To use this wedding as an example, he is NOT an outdoorsman at all and is not comfortable camping.  But he was determined to stay in the cabins, even though he's not a camper and we were freezing cold, because there is no way he wouldn't be there for his buddy's wedding.

But this whole event really has him shaken.  I think he feels really sad that he was treated so poorly, and he is struggling to understand why his friend would treat him this way because DH would NEVER treat one of his friends like this. I think some of it can be chalked up to the fact that this G is pretty socially naive and probably not at all familiar with traditional etiquette rules, and all indications are that many if not all of these decisions were made by B.  But it's 2015.  G doesn't get a free pass for a poorly planned wedding just because he happens to be the owner of a Y chromosome.  Even so, I think it's highly unlikely DH will ever say anything.  I think it's more likely that he'll call it water under the bridge and we'll just find an excuse to dodge any other social event that this couple plans.  Ever.

That's great, I'm a loyal friend as well.  I'm sure many people on this board are.   You can be a fiercely loyal person and still maintain certain standards and boundaries in life, lol.  And not every person in your life is even deserving of such loyalty all the time.

There's loyalty, and then there's allowing oneself to be taken advantage of and then there's just stubbornness.  Staying in that shitty cabin for multiple days was not loyalty. . . that was sheer stubbornness.

I'm sorry your husband had to experience such a prolonged Come to Jesus moment and that you choose to be collateral damage for it, but I hope he has now realized that this friend was a shitty friend to you both, and I hope you guys let this couple know that their wedding was a shitty, miserable time for you as guests.  I also hope your DH realizes he can still be a loyal friend without giving up electricity, running water, and heat for 3 days again.

This. I'd probably say it like, "We needed a vacation to recover from that cabin weekend for your wedding!" I don't know that I'd set out to pick a fight but as a friend, I'd let my friend know that a good time was NOT had by all.

I'd be honest with them if they brought up their wedding in my presence.

Jen4948

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

bostonbride2015 said:

banana468 said:

I'm just curious if your DH will actually mention anything to the groom ever. 

That's a really good question, and I'm honestly not sure.  My DH is an extremely loyal friend.  Exceptionally loyal.  His closest friends have been his closest friends literally since childhood.  He prides himself on this loyalty and on being there for his friends through thick and thin.  To use this wedding as an example, he is NOT an outdoorsman at all and is not comfortable camping.  But he was determined to stay in the cabins, even though he's not a camper and we were freezing cold, because there is no way he wouldn't be there for his buddy's wedding.

But this whole event really has him shaken.  I think he feels really sad that he was treated so poorly, and he is struggling to understand why his friend would treat him this way because DH would NEVER treat one of his friends like this. I think some of it can be chalked up to the fact that this G is pretty socially naive and probably not at all familiar with traditional etiquette rules, and all indications are that many if not all of these decisions were made by B.  But it's 2015.  G doesn't get a free pass for a poorly planned wedding just because he happens to be the owner of a Y chromosome.  Even so, I think it's highly unlikely DH will ever say anything.  I think it's more likely that he'll call it water under the bridge and we'll just find an excuse to dodge any other social event that this couple plans.  Ever.

That's great, I'm a loyal friend as well.  I'm sure many people on this board are.   You can be a fiercely loyal person and still maintain certain standards and boundaries in life, lol.  And not every person in your life is even deserving of such loyalty all the time.

There's loyalty, and then there's allowing oneself to be taken advantage of and then there's just stubbornness.  Staying in that shitty cabin for multiple days was not loyalty. . . that was sheer stubbornness.

I'm sorry your husband had to experience such a prolonged Come to Jesus moment and that you choose to be collateral damage for it, but I hope he has now realized that this friend was a shitty friend to you both, and I hope you guys let this couple know that their wedding was a shitty, miserable time for you as guests.  I also hope your DH realizes he can still be a loyal friend without giving up electricity, running water, and heat for 3 days again.

This. I'd probably say it like, "We needed a vacation to recover from that cabin weekend for your wedding!" I don't know that I'd set out to pick a fight but as a friend, I'd let my friend know that a good time was NOT had by all.

I'd be honest with them if they brought up their wedding in my presence.

Me too.  I'd say something like, "I don't know why you expected your guests to have fun at your wedding when you treated them like so much crap by expecting them to stay in a place that didn't have electricity, heat, or running water while paying for your meal on top of a gift for you and then watching you cut and eat a cake that wasn't served to us.  When we RSVPd yes to your invitation, we did not agree to rough it and we would never treat our guests like that.  Because of how you treated us, we won't ever again accept another invitation from you, and you can expect never to receive one from us."

julieanne912

I would have gone, but would have brought our own camper.... complete with generator, heat, AC, flat screen TV, DVD player, and a full bathroom with hot and cold water.  

ryanandjoe4

julieanne912 said:

I would have gone, but would have brought our own camper.... complete with generator, heat, AC, flat screen TV, DVD player, and a full bathroom with hot and cold water.  

Or pull in with the 4 horse/camper.. problem is all the guest may have wanted to use the hot water, and that tank isn't that big..

simcal18

So to clarify, there were a couple of bathhouses at the camp with working toilets and hot water.  They just weren't attached to the cabins and were shared, so you had to walk a little bit to get a shower or do your business.

I'm not sure what I would do if the situation were reversed and it were my friend that put on this shitshow of an event.  I'd like to think that I would be able to tell him or her just how terrible it was and adjust our friendship accordingly.  But I don't know for sure.  I think in reality I'd probably just talk to that friend way less and naturally start to phase them out of my life.  It's a lot easier in theory to say that you'd tell a 15+ year friend off for being rude and likely end the friendship, but I think it's a lot harder to do when you're facing the prospect of doing it in reality, even if what they did was indefensibly terrible.

PrettyGirlLost

bostonbride2015 said:

So to clarify, there were a couple of bathhouses at the camp with working toilets and hot water.  They just weren't attached to the cabins and were shared, so you had to walk a little bit to get a shower or do your business.

I'm not sure what I would do if the situation were reversed and it were my friend that put on this shitshow of an event.  I'd like to think that I would be able to tell him or her just how terrible it was and adjust our friendship accordingly.  But I don't know for sure.  I think in reality I'd probably just talk to that friend way less and naturally start to phase them out of my life.  It's a lot easier in theory to say that you'd tell a 15+ year friend off for being rude and likely end the friendship, but I think it's a lot harder to do when you're facing the prospect of doing it in reality, even if what they did was indefensibly terrible.

No one is suggesting you or your DH tell this couple off.

I'm suggesting that if they mention their wedding in front of you, to tell them the truth of how you felt about it. . . which is a very different thing than "telling someone off."

If your DH has known this guy for 15+ years, then it should be easy to say to him, if he brings up his wedding, "Hey guy, actually we had a shitty time at your wedding and here's why."  I presume that over the past 15 years they have had some other conflicts and issues they have had to work out, right? 

Plus, I'd rather address an issue with a friend of 15+ years 1st, rather than just writing him off and starting to break off contact "out of the blue."  Because for his friend, it's going to be coming out of the blue if you guys just stop doing things with him.

MegEn1

PrettyGirlLost said:

bostonbride2015 said:

So to clarify, there were a couple of bathhouses at the camp with working toilets and hot water.  They just weren't attached to the cabins and were shared, so you had to walk a little bit to get a shower or do your business.

I'm not sure what I would do if the situation were reversed and it were my friend that put on this shitshow of an event.  I'd like to think that I would be able to tell him or her just how terrible it was and adjust our friendship accordingly.  But I don't know for sure.  I think in reality I'd probably just talk to that friend way less and naturally start to phase them out of my life.  It's a lot easier in theory to say that you'd tell a 15+ year friend off for being rude and likely end the friendship, but I think it's a lot harder to do when you're facing the prospect of doing it in reality, even if what they did was indefensibly terrible.

No one is suggesting you or your DH tell this couple off.

I'm suggesting that if they mention their wedding in front of you, to tell them the truth of how you felt about it. . . which is a very different thing than "telling someone off."

If your DH has known this guy for 15+ years, then it should be easy to say to him, if he brings up his wedding, "Hey guy, actually we had a shitty time at your wedding and here's why."  I presume that over the past 15 years they have had some other conflicts and issues they have had to work out, right? 

Plus, I'd rather address an issue with a friend of 15+ years 1st, rather than just writing him off and starting to break off contact "out of the blue."  Because for his friend, it's going to be coming out of the blue if you guys just stop doing things with him.

I guess the potential pitfall there is that when you say 'I had a shitty time at your wedding' people hear 'Your wedding was shitty.' Which may be true but ... it's going to make people defensive. I'd hope with a 15 year friendship you'd have a way to broach this, but I can think of some people I've known that long where if I came out like this, they'd be so hurt/embaressed it'd really damage things. I almost wonder if the best idea might not just take a 'going forward' approach. For example, we had some friends who had a lovely but kinda etiquette snafu-y wedding. We love these friends they're wonderful people and we will never want to hurt their feelings. But in the years since when we talk about hosting or other wedding plans, we make a point to say 'oh yeah we're doing this because apparently doing this other thing can be rude because blah blah.' 

huskypuppy14

bostonbride2015 said:

So to clarify, there were a couple of bathhouses at the camp with working toilets and hot water.  They just weren't attached to the cabins and were shared, so you had to walk a little bit to get a shower or do your business.

I'm not sure what I would do if the situation were reversed and it were my friend that put on this shitshow of an event.  I'd like to think that I would be able to tell him or her just how terrible it was and adjust our friendship accordingly.  But I don't know for sure.  I think in reality I'd probably just talk to that friend way less and naturally start to phase them out of my life.  It's a lot easier in theory to say that you'd tell a 15+ year friend off for being rude and likely end the friendship, but I think it's a lot harder to do when you're facing the prospect of doing it in reality, even if what they did was indefensibly terrible.

Ok, this makes more sense. I've never seen a camp ground with bathrooms attached to the cabins. Still sucks for a wedding, but it seems being cold was the worst part of it.

redwoodoriginal

I'd probably bring it up if they did. Like they say something like "thanks for coming! We had such a wonderful time!" And then I'd say. "Welp I'm glad someone did! Bc staying in a no heat no electricity no bathroom, paying for our meals, and etc..... Was not fun for us at all". Or if just smile and nod and never see them again lol.

JediElizabeth

I'm in the minority here: when I camp, it's with a tent and a clearing for a fire. But I would never put my friends or family in a situation where they felt obligated to do the same.

I understand it's hard to tell a friend that they messed up, especially for something as personal as their wedding, but I hope your husband realizes that it's even worse that all these people are talking behind his friend's back about it. If it were me, I'd want to know, and I'd expect my friend of 15 years to tell me.

Jen4948

MegEn1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

bostonbride2015 said:

So to clarify, there were a couple of bathhouses at the camp with working toilets and hot water.  They just weren't attached to the cabins and were shared, so you had to walk a little bit to get a shower or do your business.

I'm not sure what I would do if the situation were reversed and it were my friend that put on this shitshow of an event.  I'd like to think that I would be able to tell him or her just how terrible it was and adjust our friendship accordingly.  But I don't know for sure.  I think in reality I'd probably just talk to that friend way less and naturally start to phase them out of my life.  It's a lot easier in theory to say that you'd tell a 15+ year friend off for being rude and likely end the friendship, but I think it's a lot harder to do when you're facing the prospect of doing it in reality, even if what they did was indefensibly terrible.

No one is suggesting you or your DH tell this couple off.

I'm suggesting that if they mention their wedding in front of you, to tell them the truth of how you felt about it. . . which is a very different thing than "telling someone off."

If your DH has known this guy for 15+ years, then it should be easy to say to him, if he brings up his wedding, "Hey guy, actually we had a shitty time at your wedding and here's why."  I presume that over the past 15 years they have had some other conflicts and issues they have had to work out, right? 

Plus, I'd rather address an issue with a friend of 15+ years 1st, rather than just writing him off and starting to break off contact "out of the blue."  Because for his friend, it's going to be coming out of the blue if you guys just stop doing things with him.

I guess the potential pitfall there is that when you say 'I had a shitty time at your wedding' people hear 'Your wedding was shitty.' Which may be true but ... it's going to make people defensive. I'd hope with a 15 year friendship you'd have a way to broach this, but I can think of some people I've known that long where if I came out like this, they'd be so hurt/embaressed it'd really damage things. I almost wonder if the best idea might not just take a 'going forward' approach. For example, we had some friends who had a lovely but kinda etiquette snafu-y wedding. We love these friends they're wonderful people and we will never want to hurt their feelings. But in the years since when we talk about hosting or other wedding plans, we make a point to say 'oh yeah we're doing this because apparently doing this other thing can be rude because blah blah.' 

If you go through life not wanting to elicit defensive reactions from people even when they treat you badly, then you're basically giving them permission to continue to treat not only yourself but others badly. They don't learn from their mistakes if they're not only not held accountable for them but aren't even aware that they made mistakes, so they'll just go on their merry way blithely repeating them time and time again.

You have a choice (or in this case, your husband does): he can suck it up and say nothing, or he can be assertive (not the same as aggressive) and say something that indicates that there were serious problems with the hospitality you received. Yes, there is a possibility that his friend will respond defensively, but your husband doesn't have to let it go if he does. He can follow up with, "I'm telling you this because I expected a lot better from a close friend. For whatever reason the wedding was planned as it was, @bostonbride2015 and I were very uncomfortable and unhappy by the accommodations and the plans. We feel let down. (The following to be added if he wants to continue the friendship) It will take X to bring things back to normal between us." X would be whatever it would take, within reason, to restore the friendship and trust.

snowywinter

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

MegEn1

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Yeah this is kind of what I was getting at. There's nothing to be accomplished to say 'Hey you had a shitty wedding' than to lose that friend. If you want to lose them over this, fine. Otherwise just take note of this and move forward, and if/as opportunities present themselves to try and encourage these (and other!) people into etiquette-approved territory, do so.

There's this mentality that honesty is forgivable, no matter what it is you're being honest about. It's become way cooler to be honest than to be polite or helpful or (god forbid) respectful. It's the difference between trying to help these people be better in the future or giving them the finger and walking off. 

simcal18

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Exactly.  The event is over.  I don't really see that there's anything to be gained by DH telling this friend that this wedding sucked, other than likely ending the friendship.  We'll certainly keep this experience in mind when thinking about whether it's worth going to other events that this couple hosts, and I think to some extent the close friendship between DH and this friend may already be permanently damaged, but at this point the wedding itself is water under the bridge.

gmcr78

I'm a couple days late to this post but it sounds awfully familiar.  I remember awhile ago a bride asking on one of the boards if it would be a bad idea to have a wedding at a campground, and have the guests stay on site in the cabins.  I remember that it was a summer camp type of place with cabins, etc.  I vaguely remember her saying something about having to pay for the whole campground and wanting her guests to pay her for the cost to stay at the awful place.  

I am seriously wondering if the bride in this situation was the same one that came here and probably left in a huff after all the Knotties told her what a bad idea this was. 

banana468

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

bostonbride2015 said:

So to clarify, there were a couple of bathhouses at the camp with working toilets and hot water.  They just weren't attached to the cabins and were shared, so you had to walk a little bit to get a shower or do your business.

I'm not sure what I would do if the situation were reversed and it were my friend that put on this shitshow of an event.  I'd like to think that I would be able to tell him or her just how terrible it was and adjust our friendship accordingly.  But I don't know for sure.  I think in reality I'd probably just talk to that friend way less and naturally start to phase them out of my life.  It's a lot easier in theory to say that you'd tell a 15+ year friend off for being rude and likely end the friendship, but I think it's a lot harder to do when you're facing the prospect of doing it in reality, even if what they did was indefensibly terrible.

No one is suggesting you or your DH tell this couple off.

I'm suggesting that if they mention their wedding in front of you, to tell them the truth of how you felt about it. . . which is a very different thing than "telling someone off."

If your DH has known this guy for 15+ years, then it should be easy to say to him, if he brings up his wedding, "Hey guy, actually we had a shitty time at your wedding and here's why."  I presume that over the past 15 years they have had some other conflicts and issues they have had to work out, right? 

Plus, I'd rather address an issue with a friend of 15+ years 1st, rather than just writing him off and starting to break off contact "out of the blue."  Because for his friend, it's going to be coming out of the blue if you guys just stop doing things with him.

I guess the potential pitfall there is that when you say 'I had a shitty time at your wedding' people hear 'Your wedding was shitty.' Which may be true but ... it's going to make people defensive. I'd hope with a 15 year friendship you'd have a way to broach this, but I can think of some people I've known that long where if I came out like this, they'd be so hurt/embaressed it'd really damage things. I almost wonder if the best idea might not just take a 'going forward' approach. For example, we had some friends who had a lovely but kinda etiquette snafu-y wedding. We love these friends they're wonderful people and we will never want to hurt their feelings. But in the years since when we talk about hosting or other wedding plans, we make a point to say 'oh yeah we're doing this because apparently doing this other thing can be rude because blah blah.' 

If you go through life not wanting to elicit defensive reactions from people even when they treat you badly, then you're basically giving them permission to continue to treat not only yourself but others badly. They don't learn from their mistakes if they're not only not held accountable for them but aren't even aware that they made mistakes, so they'll just go on their merry way blithely repeating them time and time again. You have a choice (or in this case, your husband does): he can suck it up and say nothing, or he can be assertive (not the same as aggressive) and say something that indicates that there were serious problems with the hospitality you received. Yes, there is a possibility that his friend will respond defensively, but your husband doesn't have to let it go if he does. He can follow up with, "I'm telling you this because I expected a lot better from a close friend. For whatever reason the wedding was planned as it was, @bostonbride2015 and I were very uncomfortable and unhappy by the accommodations and the plans. We feel let down. (The following to be added if he wants to continue the friendship) It will take X to bring things back to normal between us." X would be whatever it would take, within reason, to restore the friendship and trust.

See, I think this can be a recipe for disaster.   We also say that part of following etiquette is to not call others out on their bad form.   In this situation, I think doing that can open the door to a serious rift.

That said, I'd be inclined to distance myself from someone who did this.   But I think any time you are calling someone out on their actions, you have to be prepared that those people are going to get defensive.  And defensiveness rarely brings two parties to a mutual understanding where everyone winds up singing happy songs around a campfire. 

PrettyGirlLost

MegEn1 said:

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Yeah this is kind of what I was getting at. There's nothing to be accomplished to say 'Hey you had a shitty wedding' than to lose that friend. If you want to lose them over this, fine. Otherwise just take note of this and move forward, and if/as opportunities present themselves to try and encourage these (and other!) people into etiquette-approved territory, do so.

There's this mentality that honesty is forgivable, no matter what it is you're being honest about. It's become way cooler to be honest than to be polite or helpful or (god forbid) respectful. It's the difference between trying to help these people be better in the future or giving them the finger and walking off. 

It's not that being honest is "cool", it's that there is a healthy, and functional way to deal with conflicts and issues in a relationship, and then there's the dysfunctional, often passive aggressive, way of not actually dealing with things, which leads people to be resentful and for things to just fester until they reach a boiling point and then pop up later.  It's the difference between making peace and keeping peace.

Being honest in a sensitive conversation is not mutually exclusive to being respectful.  There's always a tactful and sensitive way to deal with issues.  No one is suggesting to say verbatim "Your wedding sucked and was shitty."  But if your DH is so upset by this one event that he feels his friendship with this guy of 15 years is in jeopardy, then I think he should find a way to discuss it with his friend. . . how else is he going to move past?  I guess he could decide to just let it all go, but it didn't sound like he was at that point.

And this is assuming your DH wants to remain friends with him.  If he really doesn't, then there's no reason to try and resolve things and you might as well just stop seeing this couple all together, which is what OP and others have alluded to. . . which is the equivalent of giving them the middle finger and walking away.

MegEn1

PrettyGirlLost said:

MegEn1 said:

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Yeah this is kind of what I was getting at. There's nothing to be accomplished to say 'Hey you had a shitty wedding' than to lose that friend. If you want to lose them over this, fine. Otherwise just take note of this and move forward, and if/as opportunities present themselves to try and encourage these (and other!) people into etiquette-approved territory, do so.

There's this mentality that honesty is forgivable, no matter what it is you're being honest about. It's become way cooler to be honest than to be polite or helpful or (god forbid) respectful. It's the difference between trying to help these people be better in the future or giving them the finger and walking off. 

It's not that being honest is "cool", it's that there is a healthy, and functional way to deal with conflicts and issues in a relationship, and then there's the dysfunctional, often passive aggressive, way of not actually dealing with things, which leads people to be resentful and for things to just fester until they reach a boiling point and then pop up later.  It's the difference between making peace and keeping peace.

Being honest in a sensitive conversation is not mutually exclusive to being respectful.  There's always a tactful and sensitive way to deal with issues.  No one is suggesting to say verbatim "Your wedding sucked and was shitty."  But if your DH is so upset by this one event that he feels his friendship with this guy of 15 years is in jeopardy, then I think he should find a way to discuss it with his friend. . . how else is he going to move past?  I guess he could decide to just let it all go, but it didn't sound like he was at that point.

And this is assuming your DH wants to remain friends with him.  If he really doesn't, then there's no reason to try and resolve things and you might as well just stop seeing this couple all together, which is what OP and others have alluded to. . . which is the equivalent of giving them the middle finger and walking away.

There's also honesty that will hurt someone feelings and not solve anything, which is where I think this falls. I'm just trying to see how that conversation could go where the bride and groom won't get defensive and, assuming they realize the error of their ways, won't be humiliated and feel like shit not just to the OP's H but for everyone at this train wreck of a wedding. So what, you put the bridge and groom in a position where they feel like they have to spend the next few months sending apology cards, calling people, getting upset, crying, etc? Because as we've agreed on these boards most times people just don't realize how hurtful they're being when they host poorly. To put the weight of that on these people in the first few months of their marriage is a lot. Which is why I recommend trying to set it aside or let it go for now, and as time goes on and there are opportunities to steer these people into the realm of good etiquette, that's helpful and constructive. By realizing what is polite hopefully they'll also realize what is rude -- like a lot of their wedding. 

It's not about being a doormat. In no way am I recommending that OP and her H continue on like nothing had happened and allow themselves to continue to be mistreated. They absolutely should feel okay to distance themselves from these people some, and absolutely should be willing to speak up if the rudeness occurs again and not just go along with it. If it bothers the bride and groom and they ask "Hey OP'S H, is everything alright? We haven't seen you much lately," that would be a good time to bring up "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah." But just waiting for a bride and groom to bring up their wedding so they can shit-talk it isn't taking a wrong and making it a right. 

PrettyGirlLost

MegEn1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

MegEn1 said:

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Yeah this is kind of what I was getting at. There's nothing to be accomplished to say 'Hey you had a shitty wedding' than to lose that friend. If you want to lose them over this, fine. Otherwise just take note of this and move forward, and if/as opportunities present themselves to try and encourage these (and other!) people into etiquette-approved territory, do so.

There's this mentality that honesty is forgivable, no matter what it is you're being honest about. It's become way cooler to be honest than to be polite or helpful or (god forbid) respectful. It's the difference between trying to help these people be better in the future or giving them the finger and walking off. 

It's not that being honest is "cool", it's that there is a healthy, and functional way to deal with conflicts and issues in a relationship, and then there's the dysfunctional, often passive aggressive, way of not actually dealing with things, which leads people to be resentful and for things to just fester until they reach a boiling point and then pop up later.  It's the difference between making peace and keeping peace.

Being honest in a sensitive conversation is not mutually exclusive to being respectful.  There's always a tactful and sensitive way to deal with issues.  No one is suggesting to say verbatim "Your wedding sucked and was shitty."  But if your DH is so upset by this one event that he feels his friendship with this guy of 15 years is in jeopardy, then I think he should find a way to discuss it with his friend. . . how else is he going to move past?  I guess he could decide to just let it all go, but it didn't sound like he was at that point.

And this is assuming your DH wants to remain friends with him.  If he really doesn't, then there's no reason to try and resolve things and you might as well just stop seeing this couple all together, which is what OP and others have alluded to. . . which is the equivalent of giving them the middle finger and walking away.

There's also honesty that will hurt someone feelings and not solve anything, which is where I think this falls. I'm just trying to see how that conversation could go where the bride and groom won't get defensive and, assuming they realize the error of their ways, won't be humiliated and feel like shit not just to the OP's H but for everyone at this train wreck of a wedding. So what, you put the bridge and groom in a position where they feel like they have to spend the next few months sending apology cards, calling people, getting upset, crying, etc? Because as we've agreed on these boards most times people just don't realize how hurtful they're being when they host poorly. To put the weight of that on these people in the first few months of their marriage is a lot. Which is why I recommend trying to set it aside or let it go for now, and as time goes on and there are opportunities to steer these people into the realm of good etiquette, that's helpful and constructive. By realizing what is polite hopefully they'll also realize what is rude -- like a lot of their wedding. 

It's not about being a doormat. In no way am I recommending that OP and her H continue on like nothing had happened and allow themselves to continue to be mistreated. They absolutely should feel okay to distance themselves from these people some, and absolutely should be willing to speak up if the rudeness occurs again and not just go along with it. If it bothers the bride and groom and they ask "Hey OP'S H, is everything alright? We haven't seen you much lately," that would be a good time to bring up "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah." But just waiting for a bride and groom to bring up their wedding so they can shit-talk it isn't taking a wrong and making it a right. 

How is saying "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah" shit talking?

It isn't.  That's exactly what I was suggesting the DH say to his friend if his friend mentioned the wedding to him.  That way the Groom is opening up the door to the discussion. . . same as you are suggesting.

That's what I mean by being direct, which is just how I personally prefer to live my life- I get that it isn't for everyone- rather than being passive aggressive with people, which is how I view "distancing" myself until my friends think something might be up and waiting for them to reach out to me.  Typically when people think they have done nothing wrong, they won't reach out to you.  And in my experience with people, all that leads to is that the person who feels wronged just sits around all butthurt, letting shit fester.

banana468

MegEn1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

MegEn1 said:

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Yeah this is kind of what I was getting at. There's nothing to be accomplished to say 'Hey you had a shitty wedding' than to lose that friend. If you want to lose them over this, fine. Otherwise just take note of this and move forward, and if/as opportunities present themselves to try and encourage these (and other!) people into etiquette-approved territory, do so.

There's this mentality that honesty is forgivable, no matter what it is you're being honest about. It's become way cooler to be honest than to be polite or helpful or (god forbid) respectful. It's the difference between trying to help these people be better in the future or giving them the finger and walking off. 

It's not that being honest is "cool", it's that there is a healthy, and functional way to deal with conflicts and issues in a relationship, and then there's the dysfunctional, often passive aggressive, way of not actually dealing with things, which leads people to be resentful and for things to just fester until they reach a boiling point and then pop up later.  It's the difference between making peace and keeping peace.

Being honest in a sensitive conversation is not mutually exclusive to being respectful.  There's always a tactful and sensitive way to deal with issues.  No one is suggesting to say verbatim "Your wedding sucked and was shitty."  But if your DH is so upset by this one event that he feels his friendship with this guy of 15 years is in jeopardy, then I think he should find a way to discuss it with his friend. . . how else is he going to move past?  I guess he could decide to just let it all go, but it didn't sound like he was at that point.

And this is assuming your DH wants to remain friends with him.  If he really doesn't, then there's no reason to try and resolve things and you might as well just stop seeing this couple all together, which is what OP and others have alluded to. . . which is the equivalent of giving them the middle finger and walking away.

There's also honesty that will hurt someone feelings and not solve anything, which is where I think this falls. I'm just trying to see how that conversation could go where the bride and groom won't get defensive and, assuming they realize the error of their ways, won't be humiliated and feel like shit not just to the OP's H but for everyone at this train wreck of a wedding. So what, you put the bridge and groom in a position where they feel like they have to spend the next few months sending apology cards, calling people, getting upset, crying, etc? Because as we've agreed on these boards most times people just don't realize how hurtful they're being when they host poorly. To put the weight of that on these people in the first few months of their marriage is a lot. Which is why I recommend trying to set it aside or let it go for now, and as time goes on and there are opportunities to steer these people into the realm of good etiquette, that's helpful and constructive. By realizing what is polite hopefully they'll also realize what is rude -- like a lot of their wedding. 

It's not about being a doormat. In no way am I recommending that OP and her H continue on like nothing had happened and allow themselves to continue to be mistreated. They absolutely should feel okay to distance themselves from these people some, and absolutely should be willing to speak up if the rudeness occurs again and not just go along with it. If it bothers the bride and groom and they ask "Hey OP'S H, is everything alright? We haven't seen you much lately," that would be a good time to bring up "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah." But just waiting for a bride and groom to bring up their wedding so they can shit-talk it isn't taking a wrong and making it a right. 

I am stuck in a box.

I totally agree.  The wedding is over.   I feel like the time to bring up the potential issues w/ the plan was while they were being told about the plan.   To back now and say, "We had to stay in a cabin with no heat," would be met with a, "We told you about the accommodations."   

So there were certain parts of the plan that should have been brought up in advance if they are going to be brought up now - KWIM?   I think the B&G were crappy planners and they treated their guests terribly.  But some of the things were known ahead of time.   If a good friend of DH's wants to do this for his upcoming wedding, I'd tell DH now, "If you think I'm camping without working plumbing and no heat then clearly you haven't paid attention to me in the 17 years you've known me."   

MegEn1

PrettyGirlLost said:

MegEn1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

MegEn1 said:

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Yeah this is kind of what I was getting at. There's nothing to be accomplished to say 'Hey you had a shitty wedding' than to lose that friend. If you want to lose them over this, fine. Otherwise just take note of this and move forward, and if/as opportunities present themselves to try and encourage these (and other!) people into etiquette-approved territory, do so.

There's this mentality that honesty is forgivable, no matter what it is you're being honest about. It's become way cooler to be honest than to be polite or helpful or (god forbid) respectful. It's the difference between trying to help these people be better in the future or giving them the finger and walking off. 

It's not that being honest is "cool", it's that there is a healthy, and functional way to deal with conflicts and issues in a relationship, and then there's the dysfunctional, often passive aggressive, way of not actually dealing with things, which leads people to be resentful and for things to just fester until they reach a boiling point and then pop up later.  It's the difference between making peace and keeping peace.

Being honest in a sensitive conversation is not mutually exclusive to being respectful.  There's always a tactful and sensitive way to deal with issues.  No one is suggesting to say verbatim "Your wedding sucked and was shitty."  But if your DH is so upset by this one event that he feels his friendship with this guy of 15 years is in jeopardy, then I think he should find a way to discuss it with his friend. . . how else is he going to move past?  I guess he could decide to just let it all go, but it didn't sound like he was at that point.

And this is assuming your DH wants to remain friends with him.  If he really doesn't, then there's no reason to try and resolve things and you might as well just stop seeing this couple all together, which is what OP and others have alluded to. . . which is the equivalent of giving them the middle finger and walking away.

There's also honesty that will hurt someone feelings and not solve anything, which is where I think this falls. I'm just trying to see how that conversation could go where the bride and groom won't get defensive and, assuming they realize the error of their ways, won't be humiliated and feel like shit not just to the OP's H but for everyone at this train wreck of a wedding. So what, you put the bridge and groom in a position where they feel like they have to spend the next few months sending apology cards, calling people, getting upset, crying, etc? Because as we've agreed on these boards most times people just don't realize how hurtful they're being when they host poorly. To put the weight of that on these people in the first few months of their marriage is a lot. Which is why I recommend trying to set it aside or let it go for now, and as time goes on and there are opportunities to steer these people into the realm of good etiquette, that's helpful and constructive. By realizing what is polite hopefully they'll also realize what is rude -- like a lot of their wedding. 

It's not about being a doormat. In no way am I recommending that OP and her H continue on like nothing had happened and allow themselves to continue to be mistreated. They absolutely should feel okay to distance themselves from these people some, and absolutely should be willing to speak up if the rudeness occurs again and not just go along with it. If it bothers the bride and groom and they ask "Hey OP'S H, is everything alright? We haven't seen you much lately," that would be a good time to bring up "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah." But just waiting for a bride and groom to bring up their wedding so they can shit-talk it isn't taking a wrong and making it a right. 

How is saying "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah" shit talking?

It isn't.  That's exactly what I was suggesting the DH say to his friend if his friend mentioned the wedding to him.  That way the Groom is opening up the door to the discussion. . . same as you are suggesting.

That's what I mean by being direct, which is just how I personally prefer to live my life- I get that it isn't for everyone- rather than being passive aggressive with people, which is how I view "distancing" myself until my friends think something might be up and waiting for them to reach out to me.  Typically when people think they have done nothing wrong, they won't reach out to you.  And in my experience with people, all that leads to is that the person who feels wronged just sits around all butthurt, letting shit fester.

I guess I don't see 'distancing' as being 'passive aggressive'. When you realize that you're no longer as friendly and compatible with someone do you read them the riot act about how they're not up to snuff for the same amount of time you've given them previously or do you just not go out of your way to make plans with them as much? Cause if you do the first you may be 'honest' but you may also be super rude and out of line. 

ETA: Thumbs-up with everything @banana468 has said.

PrettyGirlLost

MegEn1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

MegEn1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

MegEn1 said:

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Yeah this is kind of what I was getting at. There's nothing to be accomplished to say 'Hey you had a shitty wedding' than to lose that friend. If you want to lose them over this, fine. Otherwise just take note of this and move forward, and if/as opportunities present themselves to try and encourage these (and other!) people into etiquette-approved territory, do so.

There's this mentality that honesty is forgivable, no matter what it is you're being honest about. It's become way cooler to be honest than to be polite or helpful or (god forbid) respectful. It's the difference between trying to help these people be better in the future or giving them the finger and walking off. 

It's not that being honest is "cool", it's that there is a healthy, and functional way to deal with conflicts and issues in a relationship, and then there's the dysfunctional, often passive aggressive, way of not actually dealing with things, which leads people to be resentful and for things to just fester until they reach a boiling point and then pop up later.  It's the difference between making peace and keeping peace.

Being honest in a sensitive conversation is not mutually exclusive to being respectful.  There's always a tactful and sensitive way to deal with issues.  No one is suggesting to say verbatim "Your wedding sucked and was shitty."  But if your DH is so upset by this one event that he feels his friendship with this guy of 15 years is in jeopardy, then I think he should find a way to discuss it with his friend. . . how else is he going to move past?  I guess he could decide to just let it all go, but it didn't sound like he was at that point.

And this is assuming your DH wants to remain friends with him.  If he really doesn't, then there's no reason to try and resolve things and you might as well just stop seeing this couple all together, which is what OP and others have alluded to. . . which is the equivalent of giving them the middle finger and walking away.

There's also honesty that will hurt someone feelings and not solve anything, which is where I think this falls. I'm just trying to see how that conversation could go where the bride and groom won't get defensive and, assuming they realize the error of their ways, won't be humiliated and feel like shit not just to the OP's H but for everyone at this train wreck of a wedding. So what, you put the bridge and groom in a position where they feel like they have to spend the next few months sending apology cards, calling people, getting upset, crying, etc? Because as we've agreed on these boards most times people just don't realize how hurtful they're being when they host poorly. To put the weight of that on these people in the first few months of their marriage is a lot. Which is why I recommend trying to set it aside or let it go for now, and as time goes on and there are opportunities to steer these people into the realm of good etiquette, that's helpful and constructive. By realizing what is polite hopefully they'll also realize what is rude -- like a lot of their wedding. 

It's not about being a doormat. In no way am I recommending that OP and her H continue on like nothing had happened and allow themselves to continue to be mistreated. They absolutely should feel okay to distance themselves from these people some, and absolutely should be willing to speak up if the rudeness occurs again and not just go along with it. If it bothers the bride and groom and they ask "Hey OP'S H, is everything alright? We haven't seen you much lately," that would be a good time to bring up "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah." But just waiting for a bride and groom to bring up their wedding so they can shit-talk it isn't taking a wrong and making it a right. 

How is saying "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah" shit talking?

It isn't.  That's exactly what I was suggesting the DH say to his friend if his friend mentioned the wedding to him.  That way the Groom is opening up the door to the discussion. . . same as you are suggesting.

That's what I mean by being direct, which is just how I personally prefer to live my life- I get that it isn't for everyone- rather than being passive aggressive with people, which is how I view "distancing" myself until my friends think something might be up and waiting for them to reach out to me.  Typically when people think they have done nothing wrong, they won't reach out to you.  And in my experience with people, all that leads to is that the person who feels wronged just sits around all butthurt, letting shit fester.



I guess I don't see 'distancing' as being 'passive aggressive'. When you realize that you're no longer as friendly and compatible with someone do you read them the riot act about how they're not up to snuff for the same amount of time you've given them previously or do you just not go out of your way to make plans with them as much? Cause if you do the first you may be 'honest' but you may also be super rude and out of line. 

ETA: Thumbs-up with everything @banana468 has said.

You know there's a huge, huge difference between reading someone the riot act, and telling someone they hurt you, right?

Because with the language people keep using here- telling them off, reading the riot act- I'm getting the impression people have a fundamental misunderstanding of what I've been saying and of how to deal with conflict in relationships.

To me, withdrawing contact from a person who has hurt you, in the hopes that they will seek you out to make amends, rather than telling them you are hurt, is very passive aggressive; To me that seems like an indirect expression of hostility, which is part of the definition of passive aggressive behavior.

Bottom line, if I were DH and *wanted to maintain* this friendship (he might not, which is fine), I'd find a way to tell my friend he hurt my feelings. Or I'd find a way to get over it and move on, as PP'S suggested.

How has DH dealt with this friend in the past when he has hurt, offended, pissed off, etc the DH?

GL, DH! As an outsider, I feel badly that a 15 year relationship is one the line over a wedding But that's why we warn ppl about these things on the boards.

ScottishSarah

This is a horror sorry.  If this was my friend, as soon as the beer ran out my FI would be checking us in to the nearest hotel and skipping the rest of this shitstorm.  

mollybarker11

I can't really understand all the "Omg you actually WENT to that wedding?!" posts as though it's entirely OP's fault that her weekend sucked. She said in the first post that she knew it'd be bad (cabin + BYOPie/cocktail), but that it was even worse once she got there and here's how. Whenever someone shares an invitation they receive to a shitshow, half the responses are like, "Please go and tell us all about it!"

 

MegEn1 said:

It's not about being a doormat. In no way am I recommending that OP and her H continue on like nothing had happened and allow themselves to continue to be mistreated. They absolutely should feel okay to distance themselves from these people some, and absolutely should be willing to speak up if the rudeness occurs again and not just go along with it. If it bothers the bride and groom and they ask "Hey OP'S H, is everything alright? We haven't seen you much lately," that would be a good time to bring up "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah." But just waiting for a bride and groom to bring up their wedding so they can shit-talk it isn't taking a wrong and making it a right.

Yeah, unless the bride & groom are absolute idiots, they will likely pick up on the fact that most of their guests seem a bit cold (no pun intended) toward them since the wedding. If maintaining their friendship with OP & her husband is important, they will bring it up which allows the opportunity to tell them about the effects of their actions without seeming confrontational.

MGP

banana468 said:

MegEn1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

MegEn1 said:

snowywinter said:

You went to a wedding, you had an awful time, and you were hosted poorly. It's done, it's over, and you'd be wise to never go on a weekend getaway or vow renewal or anything else with this couple. I'd move on though. There is no point in stirring up all this post-wedding drama. What good comes of "you hosted us all poorly and it will take whatever for things to be normal again?" Absolutely nothing. It's not like they can invent a time machine and go back in time to host this event better. It's unlikely they'll have any other "grand" events like their wedding where this will be an issue. I mean, I suppose if they have a vow renewal in the future, you might decline and tell them why if they ask, but short of that, I would just move on. Life goes on.

Yeah this is kind of what I was getting at. There's nothing to be accomplished to say 'Hey you had a shitty wedding' than to lose that friend. If you want to lose them over this, fine. Otherwise just take note of this and move forward, and if/as opportunities present themselves to try and encourage these (and other!) people into etiquette-approved territory, do so.

There's this mentality that honesty is forgivable, no matter what it is you're being honest about. It's become way cooler to be honest than to be polite or helpful or (god forbid) respectful. It's the difference between trying to help these people be better in the future or giving them the finger and walking off. 

It's not that being honest is "cool", it's that there is a healthy, and functional way to deal with conflicts and issues in a relationship, and then there's the dysfunctional, often passive aggressive, way of not actually dealing with things, which leads people to be resentful and for things to just fester until they reach a boiling point and then pop up later.  It's the difference between making peace and keeping peace.

Being honest in a sensitive conversation is not mutually exclusive to being respectful.  There's always a tactful and sensitive way to deal with issues.  No one is suggesting to say verbatim "Your wedding sucked and was shitty."  But if your DH is so upset by this one event that he feels his friendship with this guy of 15 years is in jeopardy, then I think he should find a way to discuss it with his friend. . . how else is he going to move past?  I guess he could decide to just let it all go, but it didn't sound like he was at that point.

And this is assuming your DH wants to remain friends with him.  If he really doesn't, then there's no reason to try and resolve things and you might as well just stop seeing this couple all together, which is what OP and others have alluded to. . . which is the equivalent of giving them the middle finger and walking away.

There's also honesty that will hurt someone feelings and not solve anything, which is where I think this falls. I'm just trying to see how that conversation could go where the bride and groom won't get defensive and, assuming they realize the error of their ways, won't be humiliated and feel like shit not just to the OP's H but for everyone at this train wreck of a wedding. So what, you put the bridge and groom in a position where they feel like they have to spend the next few months sending apology cards, calling people, getting upset, crying, etc? Because as we've agreed on these boards most times people just don't realize how hurtful they're being when they host poorly. To put the weight of that on these people in the first few months of their marriage is a lot. Which is why I recommend trying to set it aside or let it go for now, and as time goes on and there are opportunities to steer these people into the realm of good etiquette, that's helpful and constructive. By realizing what is polite hopefully they'll also realize what is rude -- like a lot of their wedding. 

It's not about being a doormat. In no way am I recommending that OP and her H continue on like nothing had happened and allow themselves to continue to be mistreated. They absolutely should feel okay to distance themselves from these people some, and absolutely should be willing to speak up if the rudeness occurs again and not just go along with it. If it bothers the bride and groom and they ask "Hey OP'S H, is everything alright? We haven't seen you much lately," that would be a good time to bring up "Well honestly we were a little hurt with the way we were treated at your wedding. We felt blah blah blah." But just waiting for a bride and groom to bring up their wedding so they can shit-talk it isn't taking a wrong and making it a right. 

I am stuck in a box.

I totally agree.  The wedding is over.   I feel like the time to bring up the potential issues w/ the plan was while they were being told about the plan.   To back now and say, "We had to stay in a cabin with no heat," would be met with a, "We told you about the accommodations."   

So there were certain parts of the plan that should have been brought up in advance if they are going to be brought up now - KWIM?   I think the B&G were crappy planners and they treated their guests terribly.  But some of the things were known ahead of time.   If a good friend of DH's wants to do this for his upcoming wedding, I'd tell DH now, "If you think I'm camping without working plumbing and no heat then clearly you haven't paid attention to me in the 17 years you've known me."   

---------- also stuck in a box

Late to this conversation. There are several justifiable reasons why the OP is hurt and you make a good point that some of them were made known in advance. I can see how it may cause conflict for the OP to bring up the fact it was BYOB or the lack of indoor plumbing. It is going to make her look like she is complaining and all the couple will do is get defensive and say "well we told you this was going to happen".

The kicker for me is what was NOT told to them in advance and that is that the couple got married in private and then turned around and did a reenactment for their guests. That is what needs to be brought up. "Couple, we came to see you get married. We knew what the accommodations were going to be like, but we also happened to get the coldest room in the place. We dealt with it because we wanted to see you get married. We were extremely hurt to find out you got married privately and excluded a large part of your guests, includng us. We came all this way to see you get married and you weren't forthcoming with us about your plans. That is a very poor way to treat people."

I think this is a situation where you can't unleash all of your frustrations (as tempting as that may be) and stick to your strongest arguments.

doclago

Your DH sounds like a really good guy!!    You are a better woman than I am!  I need amenities!! LOL

My SIL did something similar (minus the camping).  She invited all her hippie dippie friends and asked everyone to "share their talents" at a state park or something.   So she expected them all to bring food, dessert, flowers, decorations, etc....and to drive many hours away to go. 

Her immediate family didn't attend.