Moms and Maids

MOH-zilla (I say this lovingly)

Let me begin by stating that I am completely aware that MOH and Maids are not required to do anything except show up to the wedding on time, in the chosen dress, preferably sober.

That being said, my MOH has taken her "duties" a little too seriously! I chose FI's younger sister bc she and I have a sisterly relationship ourselves and I can't imagine choosing anyone else. She was very excited when I asked her to do me this honor and stand beside me on the most important day of my life. We discussed budget (which FI's mom will be paying for her dress as she is still a college student with plenty of other expenses!), and I asked her if she would like to chose the dress herself so that it is something that fits her style and she would be comfortable in all night. I only have 1 other BM and had the same conversation with her, but she was not able to look for a dress so she gave me her budget and said whatever dress MOH chose, she would also wear (I am not worried bc both girls look amazing in just about anything they put on). Dress has been chosen, and MOH sent BM a photo and the color that would be ordered when the time comes. Cool.

A few weeks ago, when MOH was visiting to catch up on laundry and family time, she came to me with a print out of my "duties" and highlighted things that she knew FI and I had not completed yet. I laughed and asked "what's this for?" to which she replied "Now that you're finished nursing school and only have to focus on working, you guys need to get moving on a few of these things...the dates they are 'due' are fast approaching." I giggled a little and said "yes, thank you, we have set up appointments to get these taken care of!" I found out from BM a few days later that she had been send her very own list of "to do's." I told her not to worry, I would speak with MOH and let her know she is going a little overboard. Just a week ago, FMIL told me she was picking MOH up from the dorm bc she requested her help on bachelorette plans and shower ideas (our wedding isn't until May!).

I am all for planning and getting a jump on things...but holy cow this girl has got everyone's heads spinning!! I appreciate how involved she is and how much excitement she has for us, but she is just a ball of fire! I tried telling her that she should not feel obligated to take care of any of the planning, purchasing, prodding of other wedding party members, and her response is always (with a smile) "I know, but I enjoy planning and helping, and you're the closest person to a sister I have, so I want everything to be prefect for the two of you." 

I love her to death, but I don't know how to take her down a notch or two without hurting her feelings.
Anyone have any advice or similar experiences?

Re: MOH-zilla (I say this lovingly)

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    What was on her list?
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2015
    I'm glad that it sounds like you understand that she's just excited, and really happy for you guys. Honestly, it sounds kinda cute, but I could see it getting old fast.

    I'd probably let your FI or her mom talk her down, TBH. Have you talked to them about this? From the way you describe your relationship with your FILs, I'd suspect that your FMIL sees it too, and would be happy to say something if you let her know you're a little overwhelmed and need her to relax.
  • edited September 2015
    Jen4948: MOH's list is a three column, two page document of things she's delegated to herself. Just a few things I've seen on her "to do" list are: make sure BM dresses are ordered on time (6-8mo in advance), bridal show *insert town close to venue* to help find florist in the area, plan/book bachelorette (neighbor-lady has some great ideas & meet with BM), bridal shower (enlist help from BM), meet with BM to discuss timeline/budget.....(all of which I know are not her responsibility, they are mine)

    Jedi: Yes, she's unbearably adorable and just so bubbly lol.....Yes, FMIL has seen it too, and she has gently told her that not everything has to be done right this very moment, nor does it all fall to her as the responsible party. I think she will start to slow down here once mid-terms get closer! We have even tried the "please don't let your school work suffer bc you're trying to fit extra things onto your plate!" approach. FI and I have told her that we will definitely give her ample notice for things we know she definitely wants to be included in, but her focus should be on school. My biggest concern is that I don't want her to burn herself out, especially on trying to be super MOH for our wedding!
    JediElizabeth
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948: MOH's list is a three column, two page document of things she's delegated to herself. Just a few things I've seen on her "to do" list are: make sure BM dresses are ordered on time (6-8mo in advance), bridal show *insert town close to venue* to help find florist in the area, plan/book bachelorette (neighbor-lady has some great ideas & meet with BM), bridal shower (enlist help from BM), meet with BM to discuss timeline/budget.....(all of which I know are not her responsibility, they are mine)

    Jedi: Yes, she's unbearably adorable and just so bubbly lol.....Yes, FMIL has seen it too, and she has gently told her that not everything has to be done right this very moment, nor does it all fall to her as the responsible party. I think she will start to slow down here once mid-terms get closer! We have even tried the "please don't let your school work suffer bc you're trying to fit extra things onto your plate!" approach. FI and I have told her that we will definitely give her ample notice for things we know she definitely wants to be included in, but her focus should be on school. My biggest concern is that I don't want her to burn herself out, especially on trying to be super MOH for our wedding!

    I would have butted out of the bolded.  What her focus should be on isn't up to you or your FI.

    That said, it's okay to tell her, "We appreciate that you're excited about the wedding, but please remember that it's our wedding to plan, and we're not requiring you to do any of these things."

    AddieCake

  • Let me begin by stating that I am completely aware that MOH and Maids are not required to do anything except show up to the wedding on time, in the chosen dress, preferably sober.

    That being said, my MOH has taken her "duties" a little too seriously! I chose FI's younger sister bc she and I have a sisterly relationship ourselves and I can't imagine choosing anyone else. She was very excited when I asked her to do me this honor and stand beside me on the most important day of my life. We discussed budget (which FI's mom will be paying for her dress as she is still a college student with plenty of other expenses!), and I asked her if she would like to chose the dress herself so that it is something that fits her style and she would be comfortable in all night. I only have 1 other BM and had the same conversation with her, but she was not able to look for a dress so she gave me her budget and said whatever dress MOH chose, she would also wear (I am not worried bc both girls look amazing in just about anything they put on). Dress has been chosen, and MOH sent BM a photo and the color that would be ordered when the time comes. Cool.

    A few weeks ago, when MOH was visiting to catch up on laundry and family time, she came to me with a print out of my "duties" and highlighted things that she knew FI and I had not completed yet. I laughed and asked "what's this for?" to which she replied "Now that you're finished nursing school and only have to focus on working, you guys need to get moving on a few of these things...the dates they are 'due' are fast approaching." I giggled a little and said "yes, thank you, we have set up appointments to get these taken care of!" I found out from BM a few days later that she had been send her very own list of "to do's." I told her not to worry, I would speak with MOH and let her know she is going a little overboard. Just a week ago, FMIL told me she was picking MOH up from the dorm bc she requested her help on bachelorette plans and shower ideas (our wedding isn't until May!).

    I am all for planning and getting a jump on things...but holy cow this girl has got everyone's heads spinning!! I appreciate how involved she is and how much excitement she has for us, but she is just a ball of fire! I tried telling her that she should not feel obligated to take care of any of the planning, purchasing, prodding of other wedding party members, and her response is always (with a smile) "I know, but I enjoy planning and helping, and you're the closest person to a sister I have, so I want everything to be prefect for the two of you." 

    I love her to death, but I don't know how to take her down a notch or two without hurting her feelings.
    Anyone have any advice or similar experiences?


    I have a bridesmaid who is doing something very similar to this.  She created a facebook group for me and the other bridal party members to join to talk about wedding stuff and she has wanted to e-mail the bridal party members about already discussing the bridal shower and bachelorette party. It's so incredibly thoughtful of her, and I told her that I really appreciated her excitement but I didn't want her to feel like she was required to do any of those things.  I think she understands now, and while she still texts me about how excited she is for me, she's not so focused on planning the bridal shower or whatever else. 

  • Personally I think you're lucky to have someone who wants to help and is that organized. Sometimes it's nice having another set of eyes balancing things.

    Obviously there are some things that you wouldn't be planning (ie: Bachelorette party, bridal shower) so in terms of those if she wants to get a head start planning those things, that's alright. 

    As for other "duties" that of course aren't required of her, keep doing what you're doing and let her know you appreciate her help but she need not worry about those things and you'll definitely get them done. 

    I 100% know how frustrating it feels right now, I felt very similar with my (now) MIL who was very invested in helping with everything wedding related, but looking back on it now, even though I wanted to get everything done myself, there's no way I could have. So sometimes those little annoying helper fairies end up being a little more "help" than "annoying"! 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    If it were me, and I were you or the other bridesmaid and she tried to tell me what I should be doing, I'd be telling her to back it off pronto.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I agree that it is nice to have an extra person ready and willing to help/do things with me that would get taxing to do on my own. She is very creative and has been a huge help in figuring out how to plan the center pieces, which will be a DIY project. She also gave some great suggestions for the processional music. I was torn between using 3 songs to distinguish guys, girls, me and just using 2 songs since we have a smaller bridal party. 

    Yes, MOH is a very organized and detail-oriented person. I am the same, which is probably part of the reason I did choose her. I know she has a good head on her shoulders and will be very good at time management. I didn't think she would take it to this extreme. I agree it is always good to plan ahead. We have had our venue booked since last November, and I purchased my dress the moment I found "THE dress" just to be sure I wouldn't miss out in case  it should show up on the designers next discontinue list. 

    In no way am I trying to dictate to her what exactly she should or should not be doing. It's just the wording of the statement that she has her own important things that are going on, and while we appreciate her being so involved, we don't want her to let those things fall by the wayside while she is trying to take on things she thinks are her responsibilities on our behalf. No matter how I try to explain, it's just going to sound like I'm a bossy "do THAT, I want to do THIS on my own" person, so moving on...

    MOH will be visiting again tomorrow, so it will give me a chance to sit and talk with her about things. Not tell her I don't want/appreciate her help, just not to feel obligated. 
  • I agree that it is nice to have an extra person ready and willing to help/do things with me that would get taxing to do on my own. She is very creative and has been a huge help in figuring out how to plan the center pieces, which will be a DIY project. She also gave some great suggestions for the processional music. I was torn between using 3 songs to distinguish guys, girls, me and just using 2 songs since we have a smaller bridal party. 

    Yes, MOH is a very organized and detail-oriented person. I am the same, which is probably part of the reason I did choose her. I know she has a good head on her shoulders and will be very good at time management. I didn't think she would take it to this extreme. I agree it is always good to plan ahead. We have had our venue booked since last November, and I purchased my dress the moment I found "THE dress" just to be sure I wouldn't miss out in case  it should show up on the designers next discontinue list. 

    In no way am I trying to dictate to her what exactly she should or should not be doing. It's just the wording of the statement that she has her own important things that are going on, and while we appreciate her being so involved, we don't want her to let those things fall by the wayside while she is trying to take on things she thinks are her responsibilities on our behalf. No matter how I try to explain, it's just going to sound like I'm a bossy "do THAT, I want to do THIS on my own" person, so moving on...

    MOH will be visiting again tomorrow, so it will give me a chance to sit and talk with her about things. Not tell her I don't want/appreciate her help, just not to feel obligated. 



    Since she does wanna help, why not suggest specific dates for wedding related things so she doesn't steer off her own track? That way she's still involved, which should keep her happy, but then use her time more wisely for the things she has going on. I know someone said not to say anything about school, but I don't really see a problem with that. I'd say something like...

    "FSIL I love that you are helping me. Why don't we pick some dates where we can get together to work on (said wedding things), that way you can focus on school work and not worry about the wedding. Jot down any questions or ideas you might come up with, and save them for those dates. Also, we should totally go see a movie and get some dinner this weekend!"

    I put the last part in there, just because you should spend some "non wedding" related time together too! Hope that helps!
    [Deleted User]
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards