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Invites and Paper

Wording on Invitation

Morning Everyone!

So I am starting to think about what I will say in our wedding invitations. Exciting! Both of my parents passed away years ago. However, my FI's parents are still living. He wants his parents names on the invite. I don't want any of my family to be upset if my parent's names are not on it and his are. I know the easiest way would be no parent's names at all. However, I just don't think that's an option. Most of the ways that I saw online had examples with one parent of the bride being deceased but not both. Any thoughts and wisdom would be highly appreciated!

Thank you!
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Re: Wording on Invitation

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015

    You can use:

    Together with their families

    Bride's Full Name

    and

    Groom's Full Name

    request the honor of your presence/pleasure of your company

    etc.

    and have no other names.

    But ultimately, the names of deceased persons do not belong on invitations.  Only living persons can perform the functions of hosts.  Being listed on an invitation does not "honor" either the parents (whether or not they are hosts) or the couple.  The only persons "honored" by invitations are the guests.  Nor is the invitation supposed to map out the family tree or reflect who's paying (which is none of the guests' business). 

    As far as it "not being an option" to leave out any parents' names, are they actually hosting, as in issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting the guests at the wedding, and making the arrangements that see to the guests' comfort and needs?  If not, they are not hosting-even if they are paying, which is not the same as hosting-and therefore should not be listed.

    [Deleted User]
  • Are your fi's parents contributing money and hosting? Only the hosts should be featured by name. Explain to him that if his parents names are on the invite, guests will assume they are hosting and will go to them with all of their issues, as will all of the vendors. And come to them they will--we had some weird last minute issues that my parents, as the hosts, dealt with (florist couldn't pick up their vases the night of, guests tried to change meals at the last second or request items from the bar we weren't covering, etc).  Traditionally a brides family hosts, but it's not always that way. Now the bride and groom do most of the time, and I've seen the grooms family host too. 

    If his parents want to host and you're ok with that, then put their names on there, since that's the right thing to do. But if you two are, do the "together with their families" method, or don't include family references at all. 

    And lastly, he really ought to be more sensitive about the fact that since you're parents are gone, this is a touchy subject. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    Are his parents acting as hosts to your wedding? If so, their names belong on the first line as the people issuing the invitation.

    Traditonally, only the hosts names and the names of the bride and groom appear on the invitation. Some couples include the name of the grooms' parents, by adding ' son of' and then his parents' names. While this isn't strictly correct, I see no harm in doing this. 

    If you and fi are hosting:

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    at the marriage of 

    Bride's Name

    and (or to)

    Groom's Name

    son of Groom's Parents Names

    The names of deceased people don't belong on invitations. You may mention them in the programs, if you're having them. 


                       
    CMGragain
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    WHY does your FI want to "list" his parents on your wedding invitation?  A wedding invitation is not a family tree.  Having his parents name under his name on the invitation makes it look as if nobody knows who he is without their names to explain it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    CMGragain said:
    WHY does your FI want to "list" his parents on your wedding invitation?  A wedding invitation is not a family tree.  Having his parents name under his name on the invitation makes it look as if nobody knows who he is without their names to explain it.

    He probably wants to list his parents because 1) they are making a fuss about it and/or 2) they are not getting that the invitation is not a family tree.

    That said, I disagree with the bolded.  Does it look as if nobody knows who the bride is without her parents' names to explain it if she lists them?  Lots of times brides list their parents as hosts on their invitations, whether or not they actually are hosts and whether or not you or I think they should be listed.  And sometimes grooms' parents do host weddings without the bride's parents hosting.

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    WHY does your FI want to "list" his parents on your wedding invitation?  A wedding invitation is not a family tree.  Having his parents name under his name on the invitation makes it look as if nobody knows who he is without their names to explain it.

    He probably wants to list his parents because 1) they are making a fuss about it and/or 2) they are not getting that the invitation is not a family tree.

    That said, I disagree with the bolded.  Does it look as if nobody knows who the bride is without her parents' names to explain it if she lists them?  Lots of times brides list their parents as hosts on their invitations, whether or not they actually are hosts and whether or not you or I think they should be listed.  And sometimes grooms' parents do host weddings without the bride's parents hosting.


    Listing the parents as hosts and listing them as the parents as in "son of" or "daughter of" is really not the same thing.  Listing parents as host who are issuing the invitation is completely different.  That has a function on the invitation.  I agree that this is often abused by bride's parents who just want to be on the invitation.
    Yes, if a bride puts her parents names under her name as "daughter of",  it looks like nobody will know who she is without listing her parents' names.

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    CMGragain said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    WHY does your FI want to "list" his parents on your wedding invitation?  A wedding invitation is not a family tree.  Having his parents name under his name on the invitation makes it look as if nobody knows who he is without their names to explain it.

    He probably wants to list his parents because 1) they are making a fuss about it and/or 2) they are not getting that the invitation is not a family tree.

    That said, I disagree with the bolded.  Does it look as if nobody knows who the bride is without her parents' names to explain it if she lists them?  Lots of times brides list their parents as hosts on their invitations, whether or not they actually are hosts and whether or not you or I think they should be listed.  And sometimes grooms' parents do host weddings without the bride's parents hosting.


    Listing the parents as hosts and listing them as the parents as in "son of" or "daughter of" is really not the same thing.  Listing parents as host who are issuing the invitation is completely different.  That has a function on the invitation.  I agree that this is often abused by bride's parents who just want to be on the invitation.
    Yes, if a bride puts her parents names under her name as "daughter of",  it looks like nobody will know who she is without listing her parents' names.

    I agree that listing parents as hosts has a function, but I think that "it looks like nobody will know who s/he is without listing her/his parents' names" holds only in your own mind.  All it looks like to the rest of the human race is that someone is their parents' son or daughter-not that they can't figure out who the bride or groom is.  If they're that uncertain, they can Google the names of the couple.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    I guess we will just have to disagree on this one.  Crane's does seem to agree with me, though, and does not have a line for "son of" or "daughter of" on their invitation order forms.  It is not an honor to be an invitation.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    CMGragain said:

    I guess we will just have to disagree on this one.  Crane's does seem to agree with me, though, and does not have a line for "son of" or "daughter of" on their invitation order forms.  It is not an honor to be an invitation.

    I have always agreed that it's not an honor to be on an invitation. Where I disagree with you on this is what you think it "looks like." Whatever Crane's has to say about it, I am pretty sure it does not say that "it looks like nobody will know who the bride or groom is without their parents being listed." You are the only one saying that.

    And for heaven's sake, the world is not going to end if invitations aren't worded exactly as Crane's recommends. Those are recommendations-not commandments or laws.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    I didn't mean to insult anybody.  I actually read that in an old Amy Vanderbilt Etiquette book.  I like invitations to be short and simple.  I don't want my name on the invitation if my son ever decides to get married, unless I am hosting, of course.
    You know I always give the conservative traditional answer.  Somebody needs to.  It is up to the individual whether or not to take my advice.  If you use traditional wording on your invitation, you will know for sure that you are etiquette correct on the wording.  "Son of" is not traditional, and, since it is not an honor to be the invitation, it has no purpose.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    edited October 2015
    CMGragain said:

    I didn't mean to insult anybody.  I actually read that in an old Amy Vanderbilt Etiquette book.  I like invitations to be short and simple.  I don't want my name on the invitation if my son ever decides to get married, unless I am hosting, of course.
    You know I always give the conservative traditional answer.  Somebody needs to.  It is up to the individual whether or not to take my advice.  If you use traditional wording on your invitation, you will know for sure that you are etiquette correct on the wording.  "Son of" is not traditional, and, since it is not an honor to be the invitation, it has no purpose.

    Regardless of whether or not "son of" is traditional or has any purpose on an invitation, you are missing my point.

    I do not disagree that it shouldn't be used when the groom's parents aren't hosting. I never have. Where I disagree with you is about the effect it creates. I do not agree with you that it looks like "nobody will know who the bride/groom is without their parents being listed."

    Whether or not it looks like the parents' names are used because they are necessary to identify the couple or serves any purpose is only in your own mind. All it looks like is that the names of nonhosting parents are listed, which I have always agreed is incorrect. But unlike you, I do not attribute a motive to whoever is issuing the invitations for doing it. You really don't know why other people do anything.
  • Again, I am sorry if I unintentionally offended.  I think you are reading way too much into my post.
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    MobKaz
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    edited October 2015
    CMGragain said:

    Again, I am sorry if I unintentionally offended.  I think you are reading way too much into my post.

    I disagree. I think you overreact to deviations from the standard invitation wording.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Are his parents acting as hosts to your wedding? If so, their names belong on the first line as the people issuing the invitation.

    Traditonally, only the hosts names and the names of the bride and groom appear on the invitation. Some couples include the name of the grooms' parents, by adding ' son of' and then his parents' names. While this isn't strictly correct, I see no harm in doing this. 

    If you and fi are hosting:

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    at the marriage of 

    Bride's Name

    and (or to)

    Groom's Name

    son of Groom's Parents Names

    The names of deceased people don't belong on invitations. You may mention them in the programs, if you're having them. 


    All of this.

    And like PP have said, invites are not family trees BUT I can also understand if your FI parents are being very insistent (or even if your FI is being very insistent) about having their names on the invite.  Though not technically correct, there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting their names on the invite.  Especially if that means one less argument or fight you have to deal with. In the end your guests generally only care about the logistical details such as time, date, and place of your wedding, not who all is and is not listed on the invite.

  • Jen4948 and many of you have said about "Together with their families". I honestly think he just didn't understand. He wasn't trying to hurt my feelings or be insensitive. He just didn't know the etiquette behind wording on invitations. But once I went over it with him, it was totally fine.Thanks again for all the great advice and wording!
    Jen4948
  • Not sure what happened with my post.... but this is supposed to be the beginning of it. 



    Hey everyone! Thanks for all the advice. We talked last night about the wording on the invite and I explained everything about hosting and everything that you guys have said. We are going to say what...
    Jen4948
  • Anyone able to help me on this for my programs?

    Brides family: David and Heidi Smith (married).

    Grooms parents: Divorced, unhappily, one re-married just last year, lots of bad feelings, step-mother is somewhat intrusive and would be pissed if her name was not in program. 

    Suzi Johnson (Biological mother)
    Ron Johnson (biological father)
    Joan Johnson (step-mother).

    How do I list this?
    Parents of the bride: David and Heidi Smith
    Parents of the groom: Suzi and Ron Johnson...and his wife, Joan?

    AAHHGHGHH any help is appreciated!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    mschweig said:
    Anyone able to help me on this for my programs?

    Brides family: David and Heidi Smith (married).

    Grooms parents: Divorced, unhappily, one re-married just last year, lots of bad feelings, step-mother is somewhat intrusive and would be pissed if her name was not in program. 

    Suzi Johnson (Biological mother)
    Ron Johnson (biological father)
    Joan Johnson (step-mother).

    How do I list this?
    Parents of the bride: David and Heidi Smith
    Parents of the groom: Suzi and Ron Johnson...and his wife, Joan?

    AAHHGHGHH any help is appreciated!

    Parents of the Bride:  David and Heidi Smith

    Parents of the Groom:  Suzi Johnson

                                         Ron and Joan Johnson

    People will get that Joan is his stepmother.  As intrusive and annoying as she might be, leaving her out of the program will come off to her as a big slap in the face, and IMO the drama that could cause isn't worth it.



  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    mschweig said:
    Anyone able to help me on this for my programs?

    Brides family: David and Heidi Smith (married).

    Grooms parents: Divorced, unhappily, one re-married just last year, lots of bad feelings, step-mother is somewhat intrusive and would be pissed if her name was not in program. 

    Suzi Johnson (Biological mother)
    Ron Johnson (biological father)
    Joan Johnson (step-mother).

    How do I list this?
    Parents of the bride: David and Heidi Smith
    Parents of the groom: Suzi and Ron Johnson...and his wife, Joan?

    AAHHGHGHH any help is appreciated!

    Parents of the Bride:  David and Heidi Smith

    Parents of the Groom:  Suzi Johnson

                                         Ron and Joan Johnson

    People will get that Joan is his stepmother.  As intrusive and annoying as she might be, leaving her out of the program will come off to her as a big slap in the face, and IMO the drama that could cause isn't worth it.

    SIB--------------------------------------------------------

    You really should have started a new thread for this question, but we will be happy to help.

    Is there some reason you are not using titles on your program.  Weddings are important occasions, and it seems a bit odd, at least to me, that you aren't using proper titles.  Of course, I am the traditional lady on TK.


    Parents of the Bride:  Mr. and Mrs. David Smith  (or, Ms. Heidi Smith and Mr. David Smith)


    Parents of the Groom:  Ms. Suzi (Susan?) Johnson

                                              Mr. and Mrs. Ron (Ronald?) Johnson (or Ms. Joan Johnson and Mr. Ron Johnson, printed on the same line)


    It is not necessary to include the stepmother, but you had better check with everybody before you decide because this could be a major issue.


    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    CMGragain said:
    Jen4948 said:
    mschweig said:
    Anyone able to help me on this for my programs?

    Brides family: David and Heidi Smith (married).

    Grooms parents: Divorced, unhappily, one re-married just last year, lots of bad feelings, step-mother is somewhat intrusive and would be pissed if her name was not in program. 

    Suzi Johnson (Biological mother)
    Ron Johnson (biological father)
    Joan Johnson (step-mother).

    How do I list this?
    Parents of the bride: David and Heidi Smith
    Parents of the groom: Suzi and Ron Johnson...and his wife, Joan?

    AAHHGHGHH any help is appreciated!

    Parents of the Bride:  David and Heidi Smith

    Parents of the Groom:  Suzi Johnson

                                         Ron and Joan Johnson

    People will get that Joan is his stepmother.  As intrusive and annoying as she might be, leaving her out of the program will come off to her as a big slap in the face, and IMO the drama that could cause isn't worth it.

    SIB--------------------------------------------------------

    You really should have started a new thread for this question, but we will be happy to help.

    Is there some reason you are not using titles on your program.  Weddings are important occasions, and it seems a bit odd, at least to me, that you aren't using proper titles.  Of course, I am the traditional lady on TK.


    Parents of the Bride:  Mr. and Mrs. David Smith  (or, Ms. Heidi Smith and Mr. David Smith)


    Parents of the Groom:  Ms. Suzi (Susan?) Johnson

                                              Mr. and Mrs. Ron (Ronald?) Johnson (or Ms. Joan Johnson and Mr. Ron Johnson, printed on the same line)


    It is not necessary to include the stepmother, but you had better check with everybody before you decide because this could be a major issue.


    Most people do not use titles on programs at all.  They do not need to be as formal as invitations.  I have never seen a program that included titles for the people listed on it.
  • Most people?  All the ones that I have seen use titles.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    edited October 2015
    CMGragain said:
    Most people?  All the ones that I have seen use titles.

    You probably haven't seen that many.

    Programs do not require titles.  Unlike invitations, they are like playbills, where again, titles are NOT used.  It is not necessary to be "ultra-conservative" on a program.

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    Most people?  All the ones that I have seen use titles.

    You probably haven't seen that many.

    Programs do not require titles.  Unlike invitations, they are like playbills, where again, titles are NOT used.  It is not necessary to be "ultra-conservative" on a program.

    Jen, knock it off.  I have seen more than 100 programs.  I am a church lady, and a retired church organist.
    No, titles are not required.  I didn't say that they were required.  They are often used, though.
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    MobKazspockforprez
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    Most people?  All the ones that I have seen use titles.

    You probably haven't seen that many.

    Programs do not require titles.  Unlike invitations, they are like playbills, where again, titles are NOT used.  It is not necessary to be "ultra-conservative" on a program.

    Jen, knock it off.  I have seen more than 100 programs.  I am a church lady, and a retired church organist.
    No, titles are not required.  I didn't say that they were required.  They are often used, though.
    You knock it off.  It's not up to you how anyone else should post.  And again, it is not necessary to be "ultra-conservative" on a program.  You attend ONE church, not every single congregation in the world, so you are not an expert on how every single religious person does things.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Sorry, no.  I have attended and been a member of at least a dozen churches in my lifetime.  You are not helping the OP by stalking my posts.  You are not helping anyone my attributing ideas to me that are not in my posts, but in your own mind.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MobKaz
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, @Jen4948. I swear you argue just for the sake of argument, and always must have the last word in everything. I have seen many programs that begin with titles. No need to respond; I will be happy to assume you had the last word here.
    NowIAmSyp
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    Sorry, no.  I have attended and been a member of at least a dozen churches in my lifetime.  You are not helping the OP by stalking my posts.  You are not helping anyone my attributing ideas to me that are not in my posts, but in your own mind.
    I am not stalking you, CMGragain.  If you equate "disagreement" with stalking, you are misinterpreting.  And in every instance I have disagreed with you, it is based on something that IS in your posts.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    MobKaz said:
    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, @Jen4948. I swear you argue just for the sake of argument, and always must have the last word in everything. I have seen many programs that begin with titles. No need to respond; I will be happy to assume you had the last word here.
    Some do, some don't.  It's not a requirement.  @CMGragain seems to think it is.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    MobKaz said:


    Jen4948 said:


    MobKaz said:

    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, @Jen4948. I swear you argue just for the sake of argument, and always must have the last word in everything. I have seen many programs that begin with titles. No need to respond; I will be happy to assume you had the last word here.

    Some do, some don't.  It's not a requirement.  @CMGragain seems to think it is.

    I do not see where @CMGragain said titles are a requirement.  She did say, "Is there some reason you are not using titles on your program.  Weddings
    are important occasions, and it seems a bit odd, at least to me, that
    you aren't using proper titles.  Of course, I am the traditional lady on
    TK."

    CMG also said they were NOT required, but that programs she had personal experience with did include titles.  CMG also qualified her POV by stating that she does tend to lean to the traditional side.  CMG never said it was necessary to be ultra conservative on a program, nor did she claim to be an expert on all things religious.

    Would you like to discuss misinterpretation?

    ETA:  I cry "uncle" on the last word, for the love of all things holy.  Uncle.


    Then why do you keep trying to get in the last word here?

    If it's not required to use titles on programs, then the PP who asked about how to word the programs doesn't owe any explanations for why she is or isn't using them.
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