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Knottie42087830

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banana468

Knottie42087830 said:

So my fiancé and I have been together for 6 years and got engaged last September 2014. Our wedding date has been set for a while now as June 11, 2016. My older cousin and her boyfriend of a year just got engaged this September 2015 and she just set her date as two weeks before mine. I am feeling hurt and disrespected. Am I over reacting? We have always been pretty close so this feels like a dig that she thinks she should get married first because she is older. I feel like planning your wedding two weeks from mine is just not something you do to family. She also asked my sister, who is the maid of honor in my wedding, to be the maid of honor in her's. Now my sister will be torn in two directions and not be able to be there as much for my wedding. Is this selfish of me to think? Thoughts?

I think it really depends.   DH's bro and cousin were married 3 weeks apart from each other.   It worked out fine.   More people didn't go to the brother's wedding but it had more to do with where the wedding was vs. the timing.

I think you may be reading more into this than it's worth.   Rather than feel like she's trying to steal something away from you, how about enjoy planning together?

ryanandjoe4

Agree with PP, and for the sister MOH issue, your sister is an adult, she should be able to know what she can handle and what she can't, but the only thing she has to do for each wedding is buy wedding attire, show up (mostly sober), and take pictures the day of.. if she offers help then you can either accept or decline, but you can not force her to do anything.


EDT: words

mileybangerz

I just saw "dueling" and thought it'd be like this

Maggie0829

You each only get ONE day.  Just like you and your FI, they picked a day that worked best for them.

And not really sure why your sister will be torn in two directions because your sister has zero responsibility aside from getting the decided on attire and showing up for your weddings.

Jen4948

Yes, it is selfish.

First of all, you get one day, and your cousin gets one day.  That's it.

Second, the only "duties" an MOH has are to get the appropriate outfit and show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits.  You are not entitled to "expect" her to plan or host parties for you, plan the wedding with you, or do DIY projects for you.  You can ask her, but she can say no, because these are not "duties." 

STARMOON44

If it's important to you that other people not get engaged after you but married before you, A) you're cray, and B ) you shouldn't be having a long engagement.

thisismynickname2

Knottie42087830 said: So my fiancé and I have been together for 6 years and got engaged last September 2014. Our wedding date has been set for a while now as June 11, 2016. My older cousin and her boyfriend of a year just got engaged this September 2015 and she just set her date as two weeks before mine. I am feeling hurt and disrespected. Am I over reacting? We have always been pretty close so this feels like a dig that she thinks she should get married first because she is older. I feel like planning your wedding two weeks from mine is just not something you do to family. She also asked my sister, who is the maid of honor in my wedding, to be the maid of honor in her's. Now my sister will be torn in two directions and not be able to be there as much for my wedding. Is this selfish of me to think? Thoughts? BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX Only to the bolded part-- if you both have family that has to travel a lot for each wedding, I agree, as that can put budgetary pressure on guests for both of you. So if that's the case, she shot herself in the foot too.

Otherwise, PPs have it right. Suck it up.

And get your STDs out to family. 

aurianna

Your cousin doesn't want a long engagement as evidenced for her planning something less than a year out. This is completely her right and has absolutely zero to do with your wedding.
She also might want an late spring / early summer wedding, as many, many, many people do. So she picked a date in late spring / early summer.

You can't claim a whole season for your wedding. You can claim a day.
Do you really think your cousin shouldn't be able to get married in the season she's dreamed of because of your wedding? I hope not.

She did nothing wrong here. And take heart that there's a 99% that she had no intention of upsetting your upstaging you.
This just happens to be the length of engagement she wants and the time of year that works best for her / her venue.

Don't worry about this or be upset. It will work out fine. Just be happy for each other.

lembaslover

Weddings are a serious commitment to your partner not to mention they are often expensive and take a lot of time and effort to plan. I sincerely hope that the people getting married before someone else's wedding date just because 'they are older and should be married first' are in the small minority. Give your cousin the benefit of the doubt that the date she picked legitimately worked better for her, her fiance, and their VIPs. Maybe you both can plan together and have a lot of fun doing it!

Also I hate the attitude of we've been together 6 years and they've only been together 1. You didn't say it that way but it's pretty clear from your post that it's important or you would have just left that information out. Timing is different for everyone, it may take some people 1 month, others 1 year, and some 10 years. Just because 6 was right for you doesn't mean 1 year isn't right for them. FWIW I feel the same way in the opposite situation when brides act superior because they knew he was the one in 6 months and it took their friend 8 years. There is no set time that makes anyone's relationship better than anyone else's.

Finally your MOH can be MOH in both if she thinks she can. All she needs to do is stand up in the dresses you both choose and depending on your state laws possibly be a witness and sign the marriage license so I see no reason why she can't be in 2 weddings in 2 weeks. If you need extra support talk to your FI.

snowywinter

I'm going to be a member of the minority here and say I understand why you're upset. While it is true that your cousin has every right to plan her wedding whenever she wants, I would be disappointed if my cousin planned hers just before mine. Family and mutual friends who are traveling will likely not make two trips or if they do, it will be put undue financial strain on them. Plus, if it's a close circle, like my friends and I are, just when everyone is in wedding fatigue after HER wedding, your wedding hasn't even happened yet. It's frustrating.

I get why you're upset, but there's nothing you can do about it. Bringing it up makes you look petty. Just accept this is what she's done and try to move on and be happy for her. I doubt she did it on purpose or as a "dig" as you say. I would bet that she just wants a September wedding and didn't want a long engagement.

JediElizabeth

Knottie42087830 said:

So my fiancé and I have been together for 6 years and got engaged last September 2014. Our wedding date has been set for a while now as June 11, 2016. My older cousin and her boyfriend of a year just got engaged this September 2015 and she just set her date as two weeks before mine. I am feeling hurt and disrespected. Am I over reacting? We have always been pretty close so this feels like a dig that she thinks she should get married first because she is older. I feel like planning your wedding two weeks from mine is just not something you do to family. She also asked my sister, who is the maid of honor in my wedding, to be the maid of honor in her's. Now my sister will be torn in two directions and not be able to be there as much for my wedding. Is this selfish of me to think? Thoughts?

Is the bolded something she said or something you're assuming? TBH, your answer to that means a lot to how I perceive this.

aurianna

snowywinter said:

I'm going to be a member of the minority here and say I understand why you're upset. While it is true that your cousin has every right to plan her wedding whenever she wants, I would be disappointed if my cousin planned hers just before mine. Family and mutual friends who are traveling will likely not make two trips or if they do, it will be put undue financial strain on them. Plus, if it's a close circle, like my friends and I are, just when everyone is in wedding fatigue after HER wedding, your wedding hasn't even happened yet. It's frustrating.

I get why you're upset, but there's nothing you can do about it. Bringing it up makes you look petty. Just accept this is what she's done and try to move on and be happy for her. I doubt she did it on purpose or as a "dig" as you say. I would bet that she just wants a September wedding and didn't want a long engagement.

She can be disappointed that there might be a few guests that choose her cousin's wedding over hers. But odds are that's just one of many reasons people might miss her wedding. Not everyone can afford to travel to even one wedding. People might have other plans (like other weddings considering how big a wedding month June is). Some people will have to work. Some people might not be able to find childcare. Etc etc etc. Odds are OP is not fixating on all those possible conflicts, ergo she should not fixate on her cousin's wedding either.

And what the heck is wedding fatigue? I don't think that's even a thing, but if it is, OP brought that on herself by having her wedding in early June.
Late May / Early June and late September / early October always seem to have tons of weddings. The vast majority of weddings I've gone to have fallen in those time frames. If a bride has a wedding in that time frame and honestly thinks that she's the only wedding on the books that month for the majority of her guest list, she's delusional.

snowywinter

aurianna said:

snowywinter said:

I'm going to be a member of the minority here and say I understand why you're upset. While it is true that your cousin has every right to plan her wedding whenever she wants, I would be disappointed if my cousin planned hers just before mine. Family and mutual friends who are traveling will likely not make two trips or if they do, it will be put undue financial strain on them. Plus, if it's a close circle, like my friends and I are, just when everyone is in wedding fatigue after HER wedding, your wedding hasn't even happened yet. It's frustrating.

I get why you're upset, but there's nothing you can do about it. Bringing it up makes you look petty. Just accept this is what she's done and try to move on and be happy for her. I doubt she did it on purpose or as a "dig" as you say. I would bet that she just wants a September wedding and didn't want a long engagement.

She can be disappointed that there might be a few guests that choose her cousin's wedding over hers. But odds are that's just one of many reasons people might miss her wedding. Not everyone can afford to travel to even one wedding. People might have other plans (like other weddings considering how big a wedding month June is). Some people will have to work. Some people might not be able to find childcare. Etc etc etc. Odds are OP is not fixating on all those possible conflicts, ergo she should not fixate on her cousin's wedding either.

And what the heck is wedding fatigue? I don't think that's even a thing, but if it is, OP brought that on herself by having her wedding in early June.
Late May / Early June and late September / early October always seem to have tons of weddings. The vast majority of weddings I've gone to have fallen in those time frames. If a bride has a wedding in that time frame and honestly thinks that she's the only wedding on the books that month for the majority if her guest list, she's delusional.

Wedding fatigue as in people close to both brides and in both wedding parties are likely sick of hearing about weddings (cue all the people who swear the word "wedding" never left their lips unless they were at home with their Fi and no one was ever even slightly sick of hearing about it).

And no, I don't think she brought it on herself. I would be frustrated too if someone close to me with the same circle of family and friends had their wedding two weeks before or two weeks after mine. Would I make it a thing? Absolutely not because I'd know it's petty. But it wouldn't change the fact that I'd be frustrated.

ScottishSarah

Sympathy for you on the issue that some guests may not be able to go to both weddings.

However, try to think about it this way.  You wanted a 2 year engagement and a summer wedding (As did I!)  She wanted a 1 year engagement and also a summer wedding.  Shouldn't she be able to book what she wants also?

Sometimes you don't have that much choice with venue dates and what works with your family and schedules.  I know I didn't even when booking over 2 years in advance!  

I'm sure this was not done on purpose.  Echo PP's regarding your Save the Dates, get them out asap!

EDT paragraphs

spockforprez

STARMOON44 said:

If it's important to you that other people not get engaged after you but married before you, A) you're cray, and B ) you shouldn't be having a long engagement.

Yep. Four couples close to me have gotten engaged after us and planned their weddings for before ours. We have an 18-month engagement for personal reasons. They have shorter engagements for personal reasons. That's the way life goes.

MobKaz

I'm getting tired of the typical bat signal.  I think this better states that someone special deleted their post.  @Knottie42087830, it is poor internet etiquette to delete your post.  It also serves no purpose once you have been quoted.

JoanE2012

Came for the DD.  Thanks for quoting @banana468!  

OP -  Grow up.  You get one day.  

And why the DD?  There was no need and it makes no sense because you were quoted.  In fact, you're attracting more people to this thread to see what was so bad that you felt you had to delete - so great job!

onefootinthebayou

OP, the DD reflects super poorly on you, is poor internet etiquette as Joan pointed out, you've been quoted so it's also pointless, it attracts a shit-ton more people hungry to see someone make an ass of themselves than your actual OP, AND completely erases any benefit of the doubt you were given by PP and results in people now assuming the worst of you & your intentions. Was that your objective? Cuz ya nailed it.

Liatris2010

I was expecting drama, and instead I got level-headed advice from the wonderful Knotties on E. Keep up the good work!

delujm0

guess OP isn't coming back, but for the benefit of lurkers:

 

One of my best friends, who was a bridesmaid in my wedding (and I was one in hers) got engaged about 6 months after me and married two weeks before me.  I gave zero fucks.  We both did all of the activities for each others' weddings and none of our common friends cared that they had back to back weddings to go to.  My friend even made sure to be back from her honeymoon in time for my rehearsal, which was awesome and totally unnecessary (honestly, if she had backed out of my wedding because of her honeymoon plans, I would not have held that against her in any way).

 

No one cares about or thinks about your wedding as much as you do.  Now if your common family will have to travel to both of these weddings that are so close together, and as a result you think some of them will have to pick between the two, that does stink, but there's still nothing you can do about it other than get out your save the dates ASAP.  My friend from the above story and I had a common friend that was a bridesmaid in both of our weddings and she lives out of state, but happily attended both.  Neither of us would have been mad if she had to skip one.  You can't control other people's decisions.

PrettyGirlLost

MobKaz said:

I'm getting tired of the typical bat signal.  I think this better states that someone special deleted their post.  @Knottie42087830, it is poor internet etiquette to delete your post.  It also serves no purpose once you have been quoted.

It's not even a good DD

drunkenwitch

MobKaz said:

I'm getting tired of the typical bat signal.  I think this better states that someone special deleted their post.  @Knottie42087830, it is poor internet etiquette to delete your post.  It also serves no purpose once you have been quoted.

Dude that just made my fucking day.  You rock.

lovesclimbing

That's nothing. I had two cousins (who are also cousins with each other) get married four days apart. No hard feelings and it was actually great for family as they just stayed in between and visited and only had to pay for travel once. I also know a brother and sister who got married a month apart.

That said, there's no requirement for spacing out weddings. Sure, it might be nice for some family, but it's really her choice.

As for the MoH thing, all she has to do is get the dress and show up. There's no reason for her to be pulled in different directions.

As for you thinking it's a dig and she should get married first, I think that's silly unless she said it specifically. Even if she does, ignore it. Who gets married first is just silly.

I got married first, my younger sib got married second and our older sib got married third. In my husband's family, he got married first, his sister got married second and the sib in between isn't even dating anyone yet. My cousins - oldest got married first, second oldest got married second, fourth oldest got married third, and third oldest got married fourth.

My younger sib and spouse just had a baby. She's been married a shorter time than me and is younger than me and yet had the first grand kid. I expect H's recently married sib will have the first grand kid on his side. Who cares? If anyone gets bent out of shape over it, they are absurd. Everyone should do their thing in the timing that works for them.