Moms and Maids

How to NOT ask her

I recently got engaged, and we are in the process of planning our wedding for fall of next year. I know that bridesmaids are typically asked 9-10 months before and that I have some time, I just have a tricky situation that I would like to get ahead of.

I had a very close friend throughout college. We were almost inseparable and even lived together. As to be expected, we made much better friends than roommates. We grew apart, but I still care about her a great deal and want the best for her. I also know that I am not innocent in all of this, I have my flaws and could try harder to be a much better friend.

One of our major issues recently is how busy we are the lack of effort we both put in. She works very hard and has a serious boyfriend who has a son that she helps raise. I understand that she is busy, and so am I. However, she is a known flake. This has gotten worse in recent months and she pretty much dropped out of the friend group when her latest significant other came along. She agrees to plans and then at the last minute confirmation (or the day of) she will cancel the plans due to work/family obligations/money. That, coupled with some other issues, has caused problems in our friendship and I have come to not expect much from her. This causes me to not put effort in either and the cycle just continues.

I already know where you guys think this is going: should I ask her to be a bridesmaid and expect so much from her and then just get let down and complain until my wedding? But that's not. I have already decided that because people don't change, I don't want her to be a bridesmaid. I want her to be involved and be at the wedding to celebrate, but I don't think that being a bridesmaid will make our friendship better.

I do not have high expectations of my bridesmaids in the form of duties and party planning, I want them to be there and have a great time with us. I don't even want to dictate what they wear or what parties I think I need, but being a bridesmaid can still be a large output of time, money, and effort. Those are some things this friend has stopped having a long time ago.

What I really need advice on is how NOT to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I am well aware of the fact that not asking her will end of what little friendship we have left. We were very close and she is going to be hurt, but I really do think it's better for both of us to not have her included. I would like to not ask her in the best way possible, with some sort of explanation so she is not left in the dark. Any suggestions?

Re: How to NOT ask her

  • I recently got engaged, and we are in the process of planning our wedding for fall of next year. I know that bridesmaids are typically asked 9-10 months before and that I have some time, I just have a tricky situation that I would like to get ahead of.

    I had a very close friend throughout college. We were almost inseparable and even lived together. As to be expected, we made much better friends than roommates. We grew apart, but I still care about her a great deal and want the best for her. I also know that I am not innocent in all of this, I have my flaws and could try harder to be a much better friend.

    One of our major issues recently is how busy we are the lack of effort we both put in. She works very hard and has a serious boyfriend who has a son that she helps raise. I understand that she is busy, and so am I. However, she is a known flake. This has gotten worse in recent months and she pretty much dropped out of the friend group when her latest significant other came along. She agrees to plans and then at the last minute confirmation (or the day of) she will cancel the plans due to work/family obligations/money. That, coupled with some other issues, has caused problems in our friendship and I have come to not expect much from her. This causes me to not put effort in either and the cycle just continues.

    I already know where you guys think this is going: should I ask her to be a bridesmaid and expect so much from her and then just get let down and complain until my wedding? But that's not. I have already decided that because people don't change, I don't want her to be a bridesmaid. I want her to be involved and be at the wedding to celebrate, but I don't think that being a bridesmaid will make our friendship better.

    I do not have high expectations of my bridesmaids in the form of duties and party planning, I want them to be there and have a great time with us. I don't even want to dictate what they wear or what parties I think I need, but being a bridesmaid can still be a large output of time, money, and effort. Those are some things this friend has stopped having a long time ago.

    What I really need advice on is how NOT to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I am well aware of the fact that not asking her will end of what little friendship we have left. We were very close and she is going to be hurt, but I really do think it's better for both of us to not have her included. I would like to not ask her in the best way possible, with some sort of explanation so she is not left in the dark. Any suggestions?

    Don't ask her. You're not good enough friends for her to be a bridesmaid. If you can't call her at 2am and tell her to meet you in a field with a shovel and six bottles of Coke, she shouldn't be your BM.
    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The best way not to ask her to be a bridesmaid is simply to say nothing to her whatsoever.  That means not giving any advance notice that you're not going to ask her.  No explanation is required.  If she has hurt feelings and approaches you about it, you can tell her, "I think we've drifted apart to the point that we aren't as close as we used to be, and I want my bridesmaids to be the people who are closest to me."  Nothing additional needs to be said.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The best way to not ask someone to be a BM is to just not ask them.  You are making this into a bigger deal then it needs to be.  Just don't ask her.  If she approaches about your wedding party just tell her that you have already asked those that you want included.  Hopefully she gets the hint.

    InLoveInQueens
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just don't ask her. Don't give her an explanation for why you are not asking her. 
  • I have a very good friend with this exact flakiness issue. I still love her, but I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid. In my mind there was too much possibility something would come up on the wedding day and she wouldn't show.

    Not asking your friend does not need to be the end of your friendship. I am sure she is aware this is one of her "faults". If you don't constantly hang out not, she might not even expct to be asked.  

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Literally say nothing.  If she asks (which is rude on her part), just say "Sally, Suzy, and Jordan are going to be BMs" and then change the subject.  If she asks specifically why she is not a BM (again, that's rude on her part), say "I don't want to get into why I picked this person and not you.  It's not fair to anyone.  But you and your BF will be invited to the wedding and I can't wait to celebrate with you!"

    I would also say, that the final decision is up to you, but since you will let your BMs wear any dress and are not even going to have a shower or a b-party, there is very little for this friend to have to do.  She could literally pull a dress out of her closet the day of the wedding and have fulfilled her obligation as BM.  So I feel like some of your excuses for not wanting her to be a BM aren't even valid.  You two have grown apart and aren't as close as you used to be, that is only reason you need.  There are no other justifications needed, so stop worrying about this.  It is a non-issue until you or this friend, make it an issue.

    lc07STARMOON44[Deleted User]
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Don't say anything.  It would be much more hurtful to tell her why she is not going to be in the party.  Also, if the way you talk about the friendship and the direction it's been heading is any indicator, you may not even really be friends by next fall.  


    image
  • I agree with PPs, but have to add, flakiness is not a reason not to have a bridesmaid.

    I have 3 people in the bridal party (bridesmaids & bridesmen) who want to be involved. They come over and ask about planning, are already mentioning the bachelorette party, etc. I'm super grateful, but I don't expect or need it.

    I have 3 (one guy and 2 girls) who are not. One is not local and when we talk we have other priorities. The other 2 just don't care about wedding stuff, and aren't interested in anything other than the wedding itself. They will do nothing but show up. Most likely, I'll tell the BM dress or color suit we've chosen, and they'll order it on their own.

    This is really NBD. Ladies need to get over the idea that all (or any) of their bridesmaids/men will make their wedding into a huge priority in their lives.
    [Deleted User]
  • There's no need to bring up with your friend that she isn't a bridesmaid. She will figure it out on her own that you're not asking her. It's not a big deal, so don't make it into one. Just invite her to the wedding and leave it at that.
    image
    southernbelle0915
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015

    I recently got engaged, and we are in the process of planning our wedding for fall of next year. I know that bridesmaids are typically asked 9-10 months before and that I have some time, I just have a tricky situation that I would like to get ahead of.

    I had a very close friend throughout college. We were almost inseparable and even lived together. As to be expected, we made much better friends than roommates. We grew apart, but I still care about her a great deal and want the best for her. I also know that I am not innocent in all of this, I have my flaws and could try harder to be a much better friend.

    One of our major issues recently is how busy we are the lack of effort we both put in. She works very hard and has a serious boyfriend who has a son that she helps raise. I understand that she is busy, and so am I. However, she is a known flake. This has gotten worse in recent months and she pretty much dropped out of the friend group when her latest significant other came along. She agrees to plans and then at the last minute confirmation (or the day of) she will cancel the plans due to work/family obligations/money. That, coupled with some other issues, has caused problems in our friendship and I have come to not expect much from her. This causes me to not put effort in either and the cycle just continues.

    I already know where you guys think this is going: should I ask her to be a bridesmaid and expect so much from her and then just get let down and complain until my wedding? But that's not. I have already decided that because people don't change, I don't want her to be a bridesmaid. I want her to be involved and be at the wedding to celebrate, but I don't think that being a bridesmaid will make our friendship better.

    I do not have high expectations of my bridesmaids in the form of duties and party planning, I want them to be there and have a great time with us. I don't even want to dictate what they wear or what parties I think I need, but being a bridesmaid can still be a large output of time, money, and effort. Those are some things this friend has stopped having a long time ago.

    What I really need advice on is how NOT to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I am well aware of the fact that not asking her will end of what little friendship we have left. We were very close and she is going to be hurt, but I really do think it's better for both of us to not have her included. I would like to not ask her in the best way possible, with some sort of explanation so she is not left in the dark. Any suggestions?

    Expect WHAT?  What are you expecting your bridesmaids to do for you?  If she is your bridesmaid, she would need to show up on your wedding day, dressed appropriately and reasonably sober.  She stands up with you and smiles for the camera.  That is it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    JediElizabethInLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards