Uninviting a guest

spockforprez

I know. Please hear me out and let me know what you think.

We just received a message from one of FH's friend's wives informing us she will be coming to our wedding alone. We sent her and her "husband" a save the date last month. In the message, she told us she recently found out he's been sleeping with a lot of women on the side for at least 3 years. Their marriage had been on the rocks (he is not on facebook but she is and she is VERY open about sharing these types of things) and he had been moving in and out as they separated and reconciled, etc., but we had no idea it was anything like this. He recently moved out of her house and into a different woman's house with her two teenaged kids. They have three 8-year-old sons, who are triplets obvs. 

Needless to say, we are shocked. 

My FH doesn't want anything to do with his friend anymore. (I should mention here that they were close in the past but have drifted apart over the last few years and haven't talked much save a few phone calls. When they have talked it's mostly about motorcycles and such, not about their lives. So cutting him off is not an issue logistically, emotionally, or otherwise for my FH.) I've never met the friend or the wife, but I'm friends with her on facebook and she's friendly enough. She's offered to meet up a few times since I moved her two years ago but we haven't worked it out just yet. TBH I've been a little hesitant because of the dramatic facebook updates; I have enough problems controlling my own emotions much less babysitting someone else's. However, I am happy to have her at the wedding if she wants to come, which she obviously does, sans her estranged husband.

We sent the save the date to both. Since FH is okay with walking away from the friendship, are we okay to uninvite a cheating scumbag who walked out on his wife and three young kids? If we do, I will just send the invite to her with her maiden name (she changed it on Facebook awhile back after one of the separations). 

Any thoughts or insights?

SP29

Well technically you *should* invite him, but I think that goes out the window when you are ending the relationship.

Sending a STD but not an invitation is essentially a friendship ending move- which is what you and your husband are trying to do here. If you and he are OK with ending the friendship, then it is your decision to not invite him. In which case, I would send the invite to the wife address how she would prefer. 

My only concern though, is how close are you to sending invites? What if they get back together? 

aurianna

SP29 said:

Well technically you *should* invite him, but I think that goes out the window when you are ending the relationship.

Sending a STD but not an invitation is essentially a friendship ending move- which is what you and your husband are trying to do here. If you and he are OK with ending the friendship, then it is your decision to not invite him. In which case, I would send the invite to the wife address how she would prefer. 

My only concern though, is how close are you to sending invites? What if they get back together? 

This.

Since you already budgeted for two people perhaps invite her with a guest so she can bring a friend. Or, in the unlikely event they get back together, she could still bring him. (yuck)

spockforprez

SP29 said:

Well technically you *should* invite him, but I think that goes out the window when you are ending the relationship.

Sending a STD but not an invitation is essentially a friendship ending move- which is what you and your husband are trying to do here. If you and he are OK with ending the friendship, then it is your decision to not invite him. In which case, I would send the invite to the wife address how she would prefer. 

My only concern though, is how close are you to sending invites? What if they get back together? 

We are not close to sending them. Probably 5 months from now at the earliest. If they reconcile I will check in with her at that time, I guess. My FH is pretty upset about his friend, though. But if they are together at the time invites go out I don't see any way we could invite her and not him. Which makes me feel super gross at the thought of having him there and meeting him for the first time. 

spockforprez

aurianna said:

SP29 said:

Well technically you *should* invite him, but I think that goes out the window when you are ending the relationship.

Sending a STD but not an invitation is essentially a friendship ending move- which is what you and your husband are trying to do here. If you and he are OK with ending the friendship, then it is your decision to not invite him. In which case, I would send the invite to the wife address how she would prefer. 

My only concern though, is how close are you to sending invites? What if they get back together? 

This.

Since you already budgeted for two people perhaps invite her with a guest so she can bring a friend. Or, in the unlikely event they get back together, she could still bring him. (yuck)

Good point. We are letting all singles bring a date so it would be perfectly fine for her to bring someone.

themosthappy91

Well etiquette wise I think you're fine to un-invite as long as you recognize that is a friendship ending move. 

That being said, only knowing what I know from your post I'd be cautious about passing too much judgement on this guy. Is there any good reason to cheat on your wife? No, of course not. But she sounds difficult to say the least, and I'm sure her lack of respect for the boundaries of their marriage played a role in the dissolution of this union as well. It may seem flippant to compare airing dirty laundry on Facebook to breaking your marital vows and I'm not at all suggesting they are on the same level- but can you imagine how hard it would be to remain invested in a relationship where your spouse's first response to any sort of issue is to go crying about it to 500 of your closest family, friends and work acquaintances? That's a major breach of trust and lack of respect right there too.

Just something to consider.

mileybangerz

spockforprez said:

I know. Please hear me out and let me know what you think.

We just received a message from one of FH's friend's wives informing us she will be coming to our wedding alone. We sent her and her "husband" a save the date last month. In the message, she told us she recently found out he's been sleeping with a lot of women on the side for at least 3 years. Their marriage had been on the rocks (he is not on facebook but she is and she is VERY open about sharing these types of things) and he had been moving in and out as they separated and reconciled, etc., but we had no idea it was anything like this. He recently moved out of her house and into a different woman's house with her two teenaged kids. They have three 8-year-old sons, who are triplets obvs. 

Needless to say, we are shocked. 

My FH doesn't want anything to do with his friend anymore. (I should mention here that they were close in the past but have drifted apart over the last few years and haven't talked much save a few phone calls. When they have talked it's mostly about motorcycles and such, not about their lives. So cutting him off is not an issue logistically, emotionally, or otherwise for my FH.) I've never met the friend or the wife, but I'm friends with her on facebook and she's friendly enough. She's offered to meet up a few times since I moved her two years ago but we haven't worked it out just yet. TBH I've been a little hesitant because of the dramatic facebook updates; I have enough problems controlling my own emotions much less babysitting someone else's. However, I am happy to have her at the wedding if she wants to come, which she obviously does, sans her estranged husband.

We sent the save the date to both. Since FH is okay with walking away from the friendship, are we okay to uninvite a cheating scumbag who walked out on his wife and three young kids? If we do, I will just send the invite to her with her maiden name (she changed it on Facebook awhile back after one of the separations). 

Any thoughts or insights?

I think you're fine just sending an invite to her.  Did you send a save-the-date to them as a couple?  Or did you send them each their own?

JediElizabeth

themosthappy91 said:

Well etiquette wise I think you're fine to un-invite as long as you recognize that is a friendship ending move. 

That being said, only knowing what I know from your post I'd be cautious about passing too much judgement on this guy. Is there any good reason to cheat on your wife? No, of course not. But she sounds difficult to say the least, and I'm sure her lack of respect for the boundaries of their marriage played a role in the dissolution of this union as well. It may seem flippant to compare airing dirty laundry on Facebook to breaking your marital vows and I'm not at all suggesting they are on the same level- but can you imagine how hard it would be to remain invested in a relationship where your spouse's first response to any sort of issue is to go crying about it to 500 of your closest family, friends and work acquaintances? That's a major breach of trust and lack of respect right there too.

Just something to consider.

Gross.


He cheats and leaves her with 3 kids. She talks about it on Facebook. Is there any comparison there??


Even if he "only" cheated with 1 woman and she exaggerated (not likely), it's still a gross scumbag thing to do, especially with young kids at home. I think it's ok to judge him for it.

spockforprez

themosthappy91 said:

Well etiquette wise I think you're fine to un-invite as long as you recognize that is a friendship ending move. 

That being said, only knowing what I know from your post I'd be cautious about passing too much judgement on this guy. Is there any good reason to cheat on your wife? No, of course not. But she sounds difficult to say the least, and I'm sure her lack of respect for the boundaries of their marriage played a role in the dissolution of this union as well. It may seem flippant to compare airing dirty laundry on Facebook to breaking your marital vows and I'm not at all suggesting they are on the same level- but can you imagine how hard it would be to remain invested in a relationship where your spouse's first response to any sort of issue is to go crying about it to 500 of your closest family, friends and work acquaintances? That's a major breach of trust and lack of respect right there too.

Just something to consider.

I really don't disagree and it's the reason I haven't pursued a friendship with her even though I could desperately use a few! The posts really bother me. However... I didn't share all the details here because I wanted the thread to stay focused on the practical concerns, but the story is pretty fucking disgusting. It's not an affair with someone he's now chosen to leave his wife for, it's a series of shady and gross flings. I can't tell for sure but she was insinuating that he may have been violent towards her as well which is a non-negotiable for us.

Obviously we have only heard her side of it, but she is a pious Catholic and has taken him back over and over to try and save her marriage because of the Catholic view of divorce. She didn't know about him sleeping around, just thought that he couldn't make up his mind about leaving her. For that reason, I'm inclined to believe her. 

spockforprez

mileybangerz said:

spockforprez said:

I know. Please hear me out and let me know what you think.

We just received a message from one of FH's friend's wives informing us she will be coming to our wedding alone. We sent her and her "husband" a save the date last month. In the message, she told us she recently found out he's been sleeping with a lot of women on the side for at least 3 years. Their marriage had been on the rocks (he is not on facebook but she is and she is VERY open about sharing these types of things) and he had been moving in and out as they separated and reconciled, etc., but we had no idea it was anything like this. He recently moved out of her house and into a different woman's house with her two teenaged kids. They have three 8-year-old sons, who are triplets obvs. 

Needless to say, we are shocked. 

My FH doesn't want anything to do with his friend anymore. (I should mention here that they were close in the past but have drifted apart over the last few years and haven't talked much save a few phone calls. When they have talked it's mostly about motorcycles and such, not about their lives. So cutting him off is not an issue logistically, emotionally, or otherwise for my FH.) I've never met the friend or the wife, but I'm friends with her on facebook and she's friendly enough. She's offered to meet up a few times since I moved her two years ago but we haven't worked it out just yet. TBH I've been a little hesitant because of the dramatic facebook updates; I have enough problems controlling my own emotions much less babysitting someone else's. However, I am happy to have her at the wedding if she wants to come, which she obviously does, sans her estranged husband.

We sent the save the date to both. Since FH is okay with walking away from the friendship, are we okay to uninvite a cheating scumbag who walked out on his wife and three young kids? If we do, I will just send the invite to her with her maiden name (she changed it on Facebook awhile back after one of the separations). 

Any thoughts or insights?

I think you're fine just sending an invite to her.  Did you send a save-the-date to them as a couple?  Or did you send them each their own?

I reached out to her to ask what she wanted me to do, because I obviously could tell they were not in a good place. She said (this was maybe 2 months ago) that he had moved back in and they were working on it, so to please send to both of them as Mr. & Mrs. with his last name, so that's what I did. 

themosthappy91

spockforprez said:

themosthappy91 said:

Well etiquette wise I think you're fine to un-invite as long as you recognize that is a friendship ending move. 

That being said, only knowing what I know from your post I'd be cautious about passing too much judgement on this guy. Is there any good reason to cheat on your wife? No, of course not. But she sounds difficult to say the least, and I'm sure her lack of respect for the boundaries of their marriage played a role in the dissolution of this union as well. It may seem flippant to compare airing dirty laundry on Facebook to breaking your marital vows and I'm not at all suggesting they are on the same level- but can you imagine how hard it would be to remain invested in a relationship where your spouse's first response to any sort of issue is to go crying about it to 500 of your closest family, friends and work acquaintances? That's a major breach of trust and lack of respect right there too.

Just something to consider.

I really don't disagree and it's the reason I haven't pursued a friendship with her even though I could desperately use a few! The posts really bother me. However... I didn't share all the details here because I wanted the thread to stay focused on the practical concerns, but the story is pretty fucking disgusting. It's not an affair with someone he's now chosen to leave his wife for, it's a series of shady and gross flings. I can't tell for sure but she was insinuating that he may have been violent towards her as well which is a non-negotiable for us.

Obviously we have only heard her side of it, but she is a pious Catholic and has taken him back over and over to try and save her marriage because of the Catholic view of divorce. She didn't know about him sleeping around, just thought that he couldn't make up his mind about leaving her. For that reason, I'm inclined to believe her. 

Oh yeah if he was abusive in any way that's a whole other level of awful and I would definitely be 100% done with him. I'd probably personally be done with him even just based on the cheating- in case my previous post wasn't clear, I was more suggesting to be wary of the woman too rather than just wary of the guy, which is sounds like you already are. Saying you shouldn't pass too much judgement on him wasn't really the right way to phrase it because I definitely would be too. 

kimmiinthemitten

,a

spockforprez said:

themosthappy91 said:

Well etiquette wise I think you're fine to un-invite as long as you recognize that is a friendship ending move. 

That being said, only knowing what I know from your post I'd be cautious about passing too much judgement on this guy. Is there any good reason to cheat on your wife? No, of course not. But she sounds difficult to say the least, and I'm sure her lack of respect for the boundaries of their marriage played a role in the dissolution of this union as well. It may seem flippant to compare airing dirty laundry on Facebook to breaking your marital vows and I'm not at all suggesting they are on the same level- but can you imagine how hard it would be to remain invested in a relationship where your spouse's first response to any sort of issue is to go crying about it to 500 of your closest family, friends and work acquaintances? That's a major breach of trust and lack of respect right there too.

Just something to consider.

I really don't disagree and it's the reason I haven't pursued a friendship with her even though I could desperately use a few! The posts really bother me. However... I didn't share all the details here because I wanted the thread to stay focused on the practical concerns, but the story is pretty fucking disgusting. It's not an affair with someone he's now chosen to leave his wife for, it's a series of shady and gross flings. I can't tell for sure but she was insinuating that he may have been violent towards her as well which is a non-negotiable for us.

Obviously we have only heard her side of it, but she is a pious Catholic and has taken him back over and over to try and save her marriage because of the Catholic view of divorce. She didn't know about him sleeping around, just thought that he couldn't make up his mind about leaving her. For that reason, I'm inclined to believe her. 

If Fi's friendship was already nearing an end point for their own reasons then I think it's okay. However, I don't think I would unfriend someone solely because he cheated on his spouse. You never know what goes on behind closed doors or in someone's marriage unless you're one of the two. And someone who is willing to share her dirty laundry so easily has clearly violated some of her own vows and is probably likely to embellish the truth or even blatantly make shit up. Not saying cheating is okay, but two wrongs (no matter how equal or lopsided) don't make a right either. Maybe she's emotionally abusive. Maybe she lies to him. Maybe she's having an emotional affair of her own. And maybe he's just a dirtbag, but even then, he violated the sanctity of his own marriage and no one else's. Question, what do you do if he contacts you or H and states he still would like to come but separately from his W?

photokitty

You sent an invitation to a social unit. If the social unit breaks up, you still invite the party you are friends with. If you had sent a std to your friend and his girlfriend and they broke up before the wedding, you would still invite the friend, but you doubt have to invite the ex girlfriend, even if you named her on the std.

If you only send an invite to the wife you are fine etiquette wise, bc she is the party from the std you are closest to and remained friends with.

spockforprez

kimmiinthemitten said:

,a

spockforprez said:

themosthappy91 said:

Well etiquette wise I think you're fine to un-invite as long as you recognize that is a friendship ending move. 

That being said, only knowing what I know from your post I'd be cautious about passing too much judgement on this guy. Is there any good reason to cheat on your wife? No, of course not. But she sounds difficult to say the least, and I'm sure her lack of respect for the boundaries of their marriage played a role in the dissolution of this union as well. It may seem flippant to compare airing dirty laundry on Facebook to breaking your marital vows and I'm not at all suggesting they are on the same level- but can you imagine how hard it would be to remain invested in a relationship where your spouse's first response to any sort of issue is to go crying about it to 500 of your closest family, friends and work acquaintances? That's a major breach of trust and lack of respect right there too.

Just something to consider.

I really don't disagree and it's the reason I haven't pursued a friendship with her even though I could desperately use a few! The posts really bother me. However... I didn't share all the details here because I wanted the thread to stay focused on the practical concerns, but the story is pretty fucking disgusting. It's not an affair with someone he's now chosen to leave his wife for, it's a series of shady and gross flings. I can't tell for sure but she was insinuating that he may have been violent towards her as well which is a non-negotiable for us.

Obviously we have only heard her side of it, but she is a pious Catholic and has taken him back over and over to try and save her marriage because of the Catholic view of divorce. She didn't know about him sleeping around, just thought that he couldn't make up his mind about leaving her. For that reason, I'm inclined to believe her. 

If Fi's friendship was already nearing an end point for their own reasons then I think it's okay. However, I don't think I would unfriend someone solely because he cheated on his spouse. You never know what goes on behind closed doors or in someone's marriage unless you're one of the two. And someone who is willing to share her dirty laundry so easily has clearly violated some of her own vows and is probably likely to embellish the truth or even blatantly make shit up. Not saying cheating is okay, but two wrongs (no matter how equal or lopsided) don't make a right either. Maybe she's emotionally abusive. Maybe she lies to him. Maybe she's having an emotional affair of her own. And maybe he's just a dirtbag, but even then, he violated the sanctity of his own marriage and no one else's. Question, what do you do if he contacts you or H and states he still would like to come but separately from his W?

Again, not trying to get into the nitty gritty of what's going down in this woman's relationship. The posts about him are not explicit, like, "Jim Bob moved out again, fuck this guy" or whatever. It's more like, posting a photo of the roses her parents sent her on what would be their Xth anniversary a few weeks ago with the caption "thanks for thinking of me mom and dad. heartbroken." Those kinds of vague posts where you know what it's about but not the details. The only reason I know he's been moving in and out is because she told me when I asked her how I should address/send the save the dates. So yeah, the posts are very annoying because I can't stand people who live out their relationship drama on social media and they are what has kept me from reaching out to form a friendship with her independent of her shared past with my FH. But they aren't explicit, putting him on blast with specific times he did X or Y. And while I find the histrionics annoying as well, I think that is more her personality than making up things about this guy. She's very over the top about everything, not just her issues with her husband.

And, I don't know man. If what she says is true, he didn't just cheat on her. He's been sleeping with a lot of women for at least 3 years and has walked out on his kids several times in the last year. If it were the case of a broken guy at the end of his rope, I would think he'd leave for good and try to get custody of his kids because if she's a psycho he wouldn't want to leave them with her. From what I can gather, she didn't know about the cheating until a few days ago and that's what pushed her from trying continually to reconcile with him to finally saying enough is enough and filing for a legal separation. Is it possible she's making it all up? Sure, I guess. I'm inclined to believe her, as is my FH who actually does know her in person and has spent time with her.

I didn't really want to get into all of this and I don't plan to further explain or provide more details about their issues and breakup. I wanted to provide enough context to let people know why we would be making this choice, where we would stand, and the practical concerns. Suffice it to say we feel there is reason enough to drop the friendship.

To the bolded, that would be up to my FH as it's his friend. I don't think that would happen; I don't even know if he saw the save the date depending on how present he was in the house in the month since we sent them. I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

kimmiinthemitten

Again, not trying to get into the nitty gritty of what's going down in this woman's relationship. The posts about him are not explicit, like, "Jim Bob moved out again, fuck this guy" or whatever. It's more like, posting a photo of the roses her parents sent her on what would be their Xth anniversary a few weeks ago with the caption "thanks for thinking of me mom and dad. heartbroken." Those kinds of vague posts where you know what it's about but not the details. The only reason I know he's been moving in and out is because she told me when I asked her how I should address/send the save the dates. So yeah, the posts are very annoying because I can't stand people who live out their relationship drama on social media and they are what has kept me from reaching out to form a friendship with her independent of her shared past with my FH. But they aren't explicit, putting him on blast with specific times he did X or Y. And while I find the histrionics annoying as well, I think that is more her personality than making up things about this guy. She's very over the top about everything, not just her issues with her husband.

And, I don't know man. If what she says is true, he didn't just cheat on her. He's been sleeping with a lot of women for at least 3 years and has walked out on his kids several times in the last year. If it were the case of a broken guy at the end of his rope, I would think he'd leave for good and try to get custody of his kids because if she's a psycho he wouldn't want to leave them with her. From what I can gather, she didn't know about the cheating until a few days ago and that's what pushed her from trying continually to reconcile with him to finally saying enough is enough and filing for a legal separation. Is it possible she's making it all up? Sure, I guess. I'm inclined to believe her, as is my FH who actually does know her in person and has spent time with her.

I didn't really want to get into all of this and I don't plan to further explain or provide more details about their issues and breakup. I wanted to provide enough context to let people know why we would be making this choice, where we would stand, and the practical concerns. Suffice it to say we feel there is reason enough to drop the friendship.

To the bolded, that would be up to my FH as it's his friend. I don't think that would happen; I don't even know if he saw the save the date depending on how present he was in the house in the month since we sent them. I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

And by no means do you need to get into the nitty gritty or answer any of my questions.

Somehow getting married myself has made me realize how truly personal ones relationship with their spouse is. I have a new found understanding and respect for all of the vows, and while I partially understand why some seem more forgivable than others, at times I don't either and that compelled me to share an opposing opinion (albeit likely to be unpopular on a wedding forum). I guess I intended it more as food for thought as it's what I was going back and forth with while reading it.

CMGragain

Say nothing to the gentleman.  I doubt if he will show up, anyway.

I know it is tempting, but do not judge him publicly.  The problems in your friend's marriage should have stayed private.  She should not be spreading dirt about her soon-to-be-ex.  Very tacky of her to do that.  A lady should remain silent on these nasty details.

My late mother divorced her last husband because he slept with her cousin.  Nobody knew that expect myself and her mother.  It would not have been wise for her to tell the world about it.

julieanne912

Since you're still a good 5 months out from even sending invitations... I think you're WAYYY overthinking this one invitation.  Just wait til you're ready to send invites, ask her what she would like you to do (like you did with the STDs) and go from there.  

spockforprez

CMGragain said:

Say nothing to the gentleman.  I doubt if he will show up, anyway.

I know it is tempting, but do not judge him publicly.  The problems in your friend's marriage should have stayed private.  She should not be spreading dirt about her soon-to-be-ex.  Very tacky of her to do that.  A lady should remain silent on these nasty details.

My late mother divorced her last husband because he slept with her cousin.  Nobody knew that expect myself and her mother.  It would not have been wise for her to tell the world about it.

Thank you for the counsel. I definitely will not say anything; I don't know anyone in their circle besides my FH. I am not one to entertain a bunch of drama and I didn't even respond to half of the messages she was sending yesterday with the grody details.

spockforprez

julieanne912 said:

Since you're still a good 5 months out from even sending invitations... I think you're WAYYY overthinking this one invitation.  Just wait til you're ready to send invites, ask her what she would like you to do (like you did with the STDs) and go from there.  

My concern wasn't about addressing the envelope. Assuming they do not reconcile, we will not be inviting her husband so that makes it clear how the envelope will be addressed. My concerns were how to deal with any practical issues and to get an etiquette perspective on uninviting someone you don't want to be a part of your lives anymore. I got some great advice about handling a potential reconciliation and allowing her to bring a guest!

julieanne912

spockforprez said:

julieanne912 said:

Since you're still a good 5 months out from even sending invitations... I think you're WAYYY overthinking this one invitation.  Just wait til you're ready to send invites, ask her what she would like you to do (like you did with the STDs) and go from there.  

My concern wasn't about addressing the envelope. Assuming they do not reconcile, we will not be inviting her husband so that makes it clear how the envelope will be addressed. My concerns were how to deal with any practical issues and to get an etiquette perspective on uninviting someone you don't want to be a part of your lives anymore. I got some great advice about handling a potential reconciliation and allowing her to bring a guest!

Just wondering if you and your FH don't care to have a relationship with this guy anymore, who cares what the etiquette pertaining to his invitation is?  Again, I just think you're overthinking the whole thing this far out.

MandyMost

I think the more general question is, if you send a save-the-date to a couple, and the couple breaks up, are you then obligated to send BOTH members of the couple their own invitation? I don't think so. Usually people are more friends with one member of a couple than the other, so why would you invite someone you barely know who broke up with your friend? You wouldn't, even though their name was on the save-the-date.

I think that's basically the situation here. The couple broke up, and you only want to continue the relationship with one of them. So only one of them gets the invite. 

cotton8744

I wouldn't invite either due to the drama. He sounds grody and she sounds overtly dramatic. You have never met her, your fiancé doesn't seem to consider her a friend. So why bother with the drama? He's no longer friends with his friend, therefore there is not reason to invite his exs friends estranged wife.

cotton8744

spockforprez said:

julieanne912 said:

Since you're still a good 5 months out from even sending invitations... I think you're WAYYY overthinking this one invitation.  Just wait til you're ready to send invites, ask her what she would like you to do (like you did with the STDs) and go from there.  

My concern wasn't about addressing the envelope. Assuming they do not reconcile, we will not be inviting her husband so that makes it clear how the envelope will be addressed. My concerns were how to deal with any practical issues and to get an etiquette perspective on uninviting someone you don't want to be a part of your lives anymore. I got some great advice about handling a potential reconciliation and allowing her to bring a guest!

Okay nevermind, I guess you do wish to invite her. Your fiancé needs to man up and tell him what he has done is a friendship ending move.

spockforprez

julieanne912 said:

spockforprez said:

julieanne912 said:

Since you're still a good 5 months out from even sending invitations... I think you're WAYYY overthinking this one invitation.  Just wait til you're ready to send invites, ask her what she would like you to do (like you did with the STDs) and go from there.  

My concern wasn't about addressing the envelope. Assuming they do not reconcile, we will not be inviting her husband so that makes it clear how the envelope will be addressed. My concerns were how to deal with any practical issues and to get an etiquette perspective on uninviting someone you don't want to be a part of your lives anymore. I got some great advice about handling a potential reconciliation and allowing her to bring a guest!

Just wondering if you and your FH don't care to have a relationship with this guy anymore, who cares what the etiquette pertaining to his invitation is?  Again, I just think you're overthinking the whole thing this far out.

It's always good to get an outsider perspective. I tend to zoom in on things and I've found the folks on TK are helpful for pointing out things I missed. Like in this case, the possibility of a reconciliation between them which would necessitate inviting him. I plan to take @CMGragain's advice and not say anything at all to him. Again, I don't even know if he got the save-the-date if he was in and out of the house, so maybe it's all a moot point anyway.

I think maybe you're reading something that's not there? I'm not running around like a chicken worrying about this and stressing over ordering my invites. I got the messages, talked them over with my FH, wondered how best to handle it, and posted here for some insight, which I got. We took a short detour into whether or not my FH's decision to drop the friendship is justified, but I don't see any overthinking. *shrug*

spockforprez

MandyMost said:

I think the more general question is, if you send a save-the-date to a couple, and the couple breaks up, are you then obligated to send BOTH members of the couple their own invitation? I don't think so. Usually people are more friends with one member of a couple than the other, so why would you invite someone you barely know who broke up with your friend? You wouldn't, even though their name was on the save-the-date.

I think that's basically the situation here. The couple broke up, and you only want to continue the relationship with one of them. So only one of them gets the invite. 

Yeah, essentially. I've seen several occasions where the opinion is, "Fuck etiquette, this guy/girl's a douche." I don't think it's anything that extreme for this situation (unless he was abusive) but it's nice to know how much of an asshole you're being. Like, uninviting him is rude but given the overall circumstances it's the least bad option. Or, uninviting him is unspeakably rude and you would come off as a jerk and don't do it. In the words of a wise man, it's levels to this! lol. Anyway, yeah, you got the read of the situation and thanks for the counsel.

hacked

I have seen a lot of wedding drama in my many years here on this earth.  When I was a kid, and this was in the 60's, someone "spoke now" rather than hold their peace.  This was one of the highlights of my childhood.  My mother was a high school girl's club leader at our church, and we got invited to all their weddings.  Several hid high drama.

Anyway, I think that most people want their wedding to be remembered as something special and nice, not something to be talked about years later on some random board.  Since this woman is so vocal about her marriage and the issues she and her husband are having, she may not be the best guest.  The things she is talking about are very personal.  She might not be ready to celebrate someone's new marriage.  I would fell very on edge with her as a guest.  

I remember a sitcom, maybe The Mary Tyler Moore Show, where the main character says she once agreed with a friend when her husband left her and sat there while she called him a louse and a lot of other things, and that he was all those things.  However, they made up and the woman never spoke to her again.  If you take sides and they make up, you are the person who agreed that the guys is a jerk.  The woman gets mad that you thought bad things about DH, and the DH is mad that you turned on him and thought he was capable of such horrible behavior. Stay away from the whole thing!