Am I the only one who thinks this is a bad idea?

GamersElope16

My cousin (the groom) got engaged to *Jasmin about 2 years ago. My cousin and his fiance are my age (27), this is his first marriage and it will be Jasmin's 3rd. Jasmin has a child with hubby #2 and she gets certain state benefits for being a single mom and blah blah blah. 

Last year they sent out a STD for a September 2014 wedding. Well, that one got called off. Just last month I find out that they will be getting married (for real this time) on Nomveber 12th, 2015. That's right, its a Thursday, and a brunch reception to boot. His mom even offered to pay the difference to have it on a Friday or Saturday but they declined. I have been waiting for an invitation from them, and waited, and waited. Today I get a text from the groom saying that they will be sending out e-invites since they "are so far behind". There are plenty of other strange things going on with this couple, but this post is long enough.

I can't take time off of work on such short notice. FI is standing up in two weddings (Jan and April) and I need all my vacation time for those. Am I the only one who thinks this wedding is a bad idea?

LondonLisa

I don't think the wedding is a "bad idea" but I do think it is terribly inconvenient. I would not be attending but only for the time reasons. I do think it is awfully judgemental and a bit snobby to care that she is on benefits or has a previous child. And really, it's none of your business.

Just decline and send a card. I don't understand why evites, previous relationships, or a changed date matter other than faux snobbery.

lyndausvi

I find it really inconvenient, but not a "bad idea" to get married so quickly and on a Thursday.

Like LondonLisa said, just decline.

justsie

ChicagoBride2017 said:

My cousin (the groom) got engaged to *Jasmin about 2 years ago. My cousin and his fiance are my age (27), this is his first marriage and it will be Jasmin's 3rd. Jasmin has a child with hubby #2 and she gets certain state benefits for being a single mom and blah blah blah. 

Last year they sent out a STD for a September 2014 wedding. Well, that one got called off. Just last month I find out that they will be getting married (for real this time) on Nomveber 12th, 2015. That's right, its a Thursday, and a brunch reception to boot. His mom even offered to pay the difference to have it on a Friday or Saturday but they declined. I have been waiting for an invitation from them, and waited, and waited. Today I get a text from the groom saying that they will be sending out e-invites since they "are so far behind". There are plenty of other strange things going on with this couple, but this post is long enough.

I can't take time off of work on such short notice. FI is standing up in two weddings (Jan and April) and I need all my vacation time for those. Am I the only one who thinks this wedding is a bad idea?

I agree with PPs, inconvenient but not a bad idea. 

AddieCake

Just because it isn't how you would do it doesn't make it a bad idea considering they aren't breaking any etiquette rules. It is inconvenient for you (and possibly others, but you don't know if it is), but that doesn't make their getting married on a Thursday with e-vites a bad idea.

GamersElope16

I should have been more clear about that benefits. If she gets married, she will lose them. I'm looking at this as they are not really thinking this through.

justsie

ChicagoBride2017 said:

I should have been more clear about that benefits. If she gets married, she will lose them. I'm looking at this as they are not really thinking this through.

There are a lot of benefits that change when someone gets married. I'd imagine that someone that has already done it twice would know that....

banana468

ChicagoBride2017 said:

I should have been more clear about that benefits. If she gets married, she will lose them. I'm looking at this as they are not really thinking this through.

DH and I paid more in taxes after we got married until we has kids. That wasn't enough to stop us from getting married. I'm not sure what you're getting at.

lyndausvi

ChicagoBride2017 said:

I should have been more clear about that benefits. If she gets married, she will lose them. I'm looking at this as they are not really thinking this through.

so you suggest she stays on gov't assistance until the kids are of age?

I guess I do not understand your point.

AddieCake

So you think she should just never get married so she can continue to collect government assistance? Now THAT sounds like a bad idea.

LondonLisa

justsie said:

ChicagoBride2017 said:

I should have been more clear about that benefits. If she gets married, she will lose them. I'm looking at this as they are not really thinking this through.

There are a lot of benefits that change when someone gets married. I'd imagine that someone that has already done it twice would know that....
-----------------------------
Why is her financial situation your business? Why is who or when she chooses to marry your business? My goodness, are you able to even hear their news properly up there on your high horse?

monkeysip

Lol, so a person should avoid marrying someone they love because they might lose some financial benefits?  Isn't that just as bad as someone who marries to GAIN financial benefits?  How about letting her make adult decisions and butt out?

I agree the wedding sounds inconvenient and maybe a little disorganized (hence getting e-vites out so late), but that doesn't mean it's a "bad idea".  

levioosa

JFC, get your nose out of their business.  

[Deleted User]

I'm getting married on a Thursday, but giving plenty of notice. Wedding is Next Oct, STDs go out in January, Invitations will go out April ish. I get the last minute, so far behind, rushed feeling being off putting, but I don't think it's a bad idea. If you can't make decline gracefully.

ILoveBeachMusic

BaileySanders said:

I'm getting married on a Thursday, but giving plenty of notice. Wedding is Next Oct, STDs go out in January, Invitations will go out April ish. I get the last minute, so far behind, rushed feeling being off putting, but I don't think it's a bad idea. If you can't make decline gracefully.

Just curious, why are your invitations for an October wedding going out in April? That's six months in advance.

ScottishSarah

Losing tax credits would not stop me from wanting to marry.  

Also, maybe they picked a Thursday brunch because they want it to be inconvenient?   

Maybe so people that don't value their relationship and don't want to use their vacation days will decline?  It has been known!

[Deleted User]

Because I'm an over planner. 

badbnagdway

BaileySanders said:

Because I'm an over planner. 

That's too early for invitations to go out. Send out STDs 6 months out instead and then send the invitations about 8-10 weeks before the wedding at the most. Get the word of mouth out early that it is a Thursday wedding and know that there will be a higher rate of declines for a weekday wedding, no matter when you tell people about it.  

On the OP, it's not a "bad idea" to get married on a Thursday, it's just super inconvenient for the guests. If someone already offered to pay the difference for them to move it, maybe they just really want a low key wedding and know most people will not make it on a Thursday for brunch. 

[Deleted User]

ILoveBeachMusic said:

BaileySanders said:

I'm getting married on a Thursday, but giving plenty of notice. Wedding is Next Oct, STDs go out in January, Invitations will go out April ish. I get the last minute, so far behind, rushed feeling being off putting, but I don't think it's a bad idea. If you can't make decline gracefully.

Just curious, why are your invitations for an October wedding going out in April? That's six months in advance.

Six months early is a bad idea.  If you're an over planner, go ahead and plan for 100% attendance, and be happy about saving money if people decline.  But don't send out invitations so early.  You're asking for people to be calling you and changing their minds.

lyndausvi

BaileySanders said:

Because I'm an over planner. 

STD in January is fine.   Invites in April is not.   The whole point of the STD is to... you know... save the date.   Send out the invites 6-8 weeks out.  10 weeks if you really can't wait to get them out.

When is your RSVP date?

AddieCake

6 months?! JFC

[Deleted User]

Ok I'll send them out in June/July. My rsvp date is something i'm still trying to figure out. full payment of the venue (which includes catering and rentals ) is 30 days before the date I cannot reduce the number after a two weeks but can increase. final head count is one week prior to date. 

southernbelle0915

BaileySanders said:

Ok I'll send them out in June/July. My rsvp date is something i'm still trying to figure out. full payment of the venue (which includes catering and rentals ) is 30 days before the date I cannot reduce the number after a two weeks but can increase. final head count is one week prior to date. 

Don't make your RSVP date too early. Some friends of ours obnoxiously send invites in July for their early november wedding. the RSVP date was July 31st. It was way too early for us to commit and we were put in an awkward position. Especially since your wedding is on Thursday, people may have an even harder time committing early.

[Deleted User]

BaileySanders said:

Ok I'll send them out in June/July. My rsvp date is something i'm still trying to figure out. full payment of the venue (which includes catering and rentals ) is 30 days before the date I cannot reduce the number after a two weeks but can increase. final head count is one week prior to date. 

If you can add, I'd still have the RSVP date like 3 weeks before the wedding.  At the 30 day mark you can tell your venue "Here's your money.  We have 30 yeses, 20 nos, and 50 still unaccounted for."  Do the same at the two week mark when they need their firm number.  You can still add, so if you have a couple people who are maybes or aren't sure if they're bringing a friend, they can be added still for another week.  Asking for RSVPs too early is only asking for trouble.

[Deleted User]

I was planning sometime in mid September for my October 13th wedding to RSVP.

PamBeesly524

BaileySanders said:

I was planning sometime in mid September for my October 13th wedding to RSVP.

But why would you send out invitations in April, or even June with a September RSVP date? That's just asking for people to lose your invitations. There is no way I would hang on to an invite/RSVP card for months. It would get lost in the shuffle.

ryanandjoe4

BaileySanders said:

I was planning sometime in mid September for my October 13th wedding to RSVP.

It's way to early, to send out if you want an accurate head count.

Send them out 10 weeks early that is 2.5 months ahead, make your RSVP deadline for 6 weeks out, or 2 weeks before the "deadline for the caterer" then a week after the RSVP deadline call the non-RSVP's and check that they got the invite and get the answer if they are coming or not. then you have as accurate head as you can 30 days out for the caterer...

also 6 months should be enough time to take time off and plan to attend a week day wedding if they choose so STD (which i think are a good idea for a week day wedding) send out in april..

I am an "over-planner" as well but I forced my self to stick to those dates so that I could avoid a mess down the road when I was more stressed closer to the wedding..

ryanandjoe4

ChicagoBride2017 said:

My cousin (the groom) got engaged to *Jasmin about 2 years ago. My cousin and his fiance are my age (27), this is his first marriage and it will be Jasmin's 3rd. Jasmin has a child with hubby #2 and she gets certain state benefits for being a single mom and blah blah blah. 

Last year they sent out a STD for a September 2014 wedding. Well, that one got called off. Just last month I find out that they will be getting married (for real this time) on Nomveber 12th, 2015. That's right, its a Thursday, and a brunch reception to boot. His mom even offered to pay the difference to have it on a Friday or Saturday but they declined. I have been waiting for an invitation from them, and waited, and waited. Today I get a text from the groom saying that they will be sending out e-invites since they "are so far behind". There are plenty of other strange things going on with this couple, but this post is long enough.

I can't take time off of work on such short notice. FI is standing up in two weddings (Jan and April) and I need all my vacation time for those. Am I the only one who thinks this wedding is a bad idea?

other peoples wedding budget and plan = not your business

who the father of her kids are = not your business

others financial situation = not your business

wedding planning timeline = not your business

basically if your this judgmental about the wedding now, maybe it is a bad idea for you to go..

[Deleted User]

ryanandjoe4 said:

BaileySanders said:

I was planning sometime in mid September for my October 13th wedding to RSVP.

It's way to early, to send out if you want an accurate head count.

Send them out 10 weeks early that is 2.5 months ahead, make your RSVP deadline for 6 weeks out, or 2 weeks before the "deadline for the caterer" then a week after the RSVP deadline call the non-RSVP's and check that they got the invite and get the answer if they are coming or not. then you have as accurate head as you can 30 days out for the caterer...

also 6 months should be enough time to take time off and plan to attend a week day wedding if they choose so STD (which i think are a good idea for a week day wedding) send out in april..

I am an "over-planner" as well but I forced my self to stick to those dates so that I could avoid a mess down the road when I was more stressed closer to the wedding..

This is helpful. Thank you. I do have a good amount of OOT guests, and a few are moving in the next few months. That's why I wanted to send them early, My wedd8by checklist says to send STDs in February, that's why I chose January, I figured a little extra time doesn't hurt. Apparently I'm wrong. I'll send them in February like the checklist suggests.

ryanandjoe4

BaileySanders said:

ryanandjoe4 said:

BaileySanders said:

I was planning sometime in mid September for my October 13th wedding to RSVP.

It's way to early, to send out if you want an accurate head count.

Send them out 10 weeks early that is 2.5 months ahead, make your RSVP deadline for 6 weeks out, or 2 weeks before the "deadline for the caterer" then a week after the RSVP deadline call the non-RSVP's and check that they got the invite and get the answer if they are coming or not. then you have as accurate head as you can 30 days out for the caterer...

also 6 months should be enough time to take time off and plan to attend a week day wedding if they choose so STD (which i think are a good idea for a week day wedding) send out in april..

I am an "over-planner" as well but I forced my self to stick to those dates so that I could avoid a mess down the road when I was more stressed closer to the wedding..

This is helpful. Thank you. I do have a good amount of OOT guests, and a few are moving in the next few months. That's why I wanted to send them early, My wedd8by checklist says to send STDs in February, that's why I chose January, I figured a little extra time doesn't hurt. Apparently I'm wrong. I'll send them in February like the checklist suggests.

STD are no big deal like PP said so January is fine, you can send those out a year or more in advance it is more about the invites than the STD.. expecially if you have OOT guests send them ASAP.. it is just the invites we are saying is a bad idea to send out too early.

EDT: the passive aggressive "apparently I am wrong" is not helpful. we are trying to help you do what will be best for you and your guests, if you want to send them out 6 months in advance by all means do you. we are merely saying there is a reason why people say to send them out 10-6 weeks in advance, and we have listed the reasons well and you seemed to have listened to the people that have been a guest or had a wedding.. (it is weird to be in the "had a wedding group" now)

[Deleted User]

I wasn't being passive aggressive. I was saying I thought something and due to overwhelming advice (none of which was rude or inappropriate) I am, apparently, incorrect in my thinking. Please don't read to much into my choice of wording.