Moms and Maids

Venting- mothers...

This is really just venting. My mother and I have had a very difficult relationship ever since I was little. It was great for a while then went downhill when she started spending more time with her boyfriend and his daughter (with her own kids, that now call my mother grandma......). She never wanted to do anything with me anymore because she always had plans with them. After feeling jealous and resentful for a bit, I finally got my big girl panties on and just let it go. When I got engaged, I thought she would want to repair our relationship so we could have fun planning a wedding together (I'm her only daughter). She hasn't been excited about this AT ALL. When I asked her what weekend worked best for her to spend a day with me and my aunt/her sister/our wedding planner, she said she was too busy because her weekends were booked with plans with her bf and his daughter/her kids. So we did wedding planning without her and now, two months later, she's still griping to my aunt that we planned my "entire" wedding without her. Ummm hello.... Was I supposed to sit around and wait for the wedding to get planned while she went out with her bf and couldn't even spare a few hours of one Sunday to help us? When I pointed that out she got huffy so any conversation shut down at that point. My venue hosted a vendor show earlier this week and I invited my mom, my MIL, and my aunt/wedding planner. My FI was also there. My mother pouted the ENTIRE time. When I was talking about dress shopping and how I wanted all three of them to come with me because I value all of their opinions, she didn't say anything. Now after I told my aunt about the appointment date/time, she told me my mother complained to her that she's being excluded from everything and my aunt suggested I go shopping just with my mother and no one else to make her feel more special. What. the. f**k. I am at a loss. 
When I try to include her, she's too busy. My wedding is next October, so there's a lot of time since we have the big stuff booked, but seriously, she expects me to wait around until she can find the time to be involved? Why the hell are mothers such dramatic, whiny babies during this process? Don't they remember what they felt like?? I am so hurt and frustrated and resentful at this point. I wanted to have that stupid fairy tale wedding planning phase where the mother and daughter are inseparable and have so much fun with everything. She flies off the handle if I try to tell her what her behavior is doing to me. But I don't want to cut her off completely. I am so hating this entire wedding thing. I almost feel like calling it off so I don't have to deal with everyone's opinions, and my mother's self-inflicted hurt feelings. This is supposed to fun and exciting, not something I dread being bitched at about for the rest of my life.... Ugh... I just want to cry....Thanks anyone for reading. 

Re: Venting- mothers...

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I'm sorry your mom is being this way. All you can do is continue to try and invite and include her. If she declines, tell her that's fine but that you don't want to hear from third parties later that she is claiming she isn't being included.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostMesmrEweJen4948
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is really just venting. My mother and I have had a very difficult relationship ever since I was little. It was great for a while then went downhill when she started spending more time with her boyfriend and his daughter (with her own kids, that now call my mother grandma......). She never wanted to do anything with me anymore because she always had plans with them. After feeling jealous and resentful for a bit, I finally got my big girl panties on and just let it go. When I got engaged, I thought she would want to repair our relationship so we could have fun planning a wedding together (I'm her only daughter). She hasn't been excited about this AT ALL. When I asked her what weekend worked best for her to spend a day with me and my aunt/her sister/our wedding planner, she said she was too busy because her weekends were booked with plans with her bf and his daughter/her kids. So we did wedding planning without her and now, two months later, she's still griping to my aunt that we planned my "entire" wedding without her. Ummm hello.... Was I supposed to sit around and wait for the wedding to get planned while she went out with her bf and couldn't even spare a few hours of one Sunday to help us? When I pointed that out she got huffy so any conversation shut down at that point. My venue hosted a vendor show earlier this week and I invited my mom, my MIL, and my aunt/wedding planner. My FI was also there. My mother pouted the ENTIRE time. When I was talking about dress shopping and how I wanted all three of them to come with me because I value all of their opinions, she didn't say anything. Now after I told my aunt about the appointment date/time, she told me my mother complained to her that she's being excluded from everything and my aunt suggested I go shopping just with my mother and no one else to make her feel more special. What. the. f**k. I am at a loss. 
    When I try to include her, she's too busy. My wedding is next October, so there's a lot of time since we have the big stuff booked, but seriously, she expects me to wait around until she can find the time to be involved? Why the hell are mothers such dramatic, whiny babies during this process? Don't they remember what they felt like?? I am so hurt and frustrated and resentful at this point. I wanted to have that stupid fairy tale wedding planning phase where the mother and daughter are inseparable and have so much fun with everything. She flies off the handle if I try to tell her what her behavior is doing to me. But I don't want to cut her off completely. I am so hating this entire wedding thing. I almost feel like calling it off so I don't have to deal with everyone's opinions, and my mother's self-inflicted hurt feelings. This is supposed to fun and exciting, not something I dread being bitched at about for the rest of my life.... Ugh... I just want to cry....Thanks anyone for reading. 
    I'm sorry your mom is being a pain in the ass over your wedding.  But based on your relationship with your mom as you described it, did you really expect her to change because you are getting married?  Your mom has a pattern and she won't change it for anyone but herself.  

    Keep doing what you are doing, invite her to things you want her at.  But keep very low expectations, so that when your mom does join you, you are happy and when she does not, you can roll it off your back.  I would not let your aunt pressure you into dress shopping alone with your mom.  Tell your aunt that if your mom has a problem with the dress shopping outing as planned, she can talk to you directly about it.  

    If your mom wants to complain about the process in planning the wedding, don't engage.  If she complains about not being involved, don't bring up how she spends all her time with her BF.  Give her a non-argumentative answer and don't engage with her, as it will get you no where.  Have a few lines to give your mom when she brings up the wedding in a negative light. "Mom, I'm sorry that this wedding planning process is not what you imagined.  You have a busy life and I have a busy life, so I'm sorry that our schedules can't match up all the time."
    kimmiinthemitten[Deleted User]Heffalump
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Not all moms are 'dramatic, whiny babies' during the wedding planning process. Some of us are cooperative, generous and we just want our children to be happy.

    Work on your relationship with your mom. Call her to chat about stuff that isn't wedding related and show interest in  her 'grandchildren,' her boyfriend and her life in general. 

    When you invite your mom to do wedding related things, put it in writing. Email the dates, times, places so she can't say you didn't include her. If she declines, do it without her. 







                       
    OliveOilsMomMesmrEwe
  • I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My mother and I did not get along at all during the planning of my wedding, she said some awful things to my H and I, she caused a lot of drama and it was hard. It really hurt me and has changed our relationship. But here's the thing, you can choose how you react to her. You can control how you feel and what you say and do. You can let it get to you, or you can try to let it go, focus on what you and your FI want for your wedding and your marriage, and be thankful and excited to have your aunt offer to help. Yes, it's not that fairytale, but life seldom is. Please take it from someone who didn't always follow this advice; you can't control what your mother does, but you can control how you let it affect this exciting time in your life.
    kimmiinthemitten[Deleted User]
  • I second PP, my mom was the same way, she has a second set of kids. I was the youngest until I was 17 3 months from 18. and now they are 10 and 11. Through her pregnancy's she would say in-front of me all the time "I am going to do it right this time" like she did everything wrong.. I am a chemist, older brother is IT for the Army, was enlisted for 10 years, don't think we turned out bad.. But anyways:

    I did exactly what you did, invited her, send calendar invites so her phone reminded her a day before and notified her with drive time included. (she is forgetful and you call her to remind her she says"OHH that's today....") She missed everything.. I had to pick up my little sisters dress the week of the wedding from the alterations place, pay for it, and hope it fit (it did)... lower your expectations and just say I did all I can do, and if she misses it not my fault, I will not take the blame.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited November 2015
    Not all moms are 'dramatic, whiny babies' during the wedding planning process. Some of us are cooperative, generous and we just want our children to be happy.

    Work on your relationship with your mom. Call her to chat about stuff that isn't wedding related and show interest in  her 'grandchildren,' her boyfriend and her life in general. 

    When you invite your mom to do wedding related things, put it in writing. Email the dates, times, places so she can't say you didn't include her. If she declines, do it without her. 

    Unfortunately, this strategy is not going to work. 

    The OP asked her to do things that would have "involved her," and the mother made it very clear that she isn't willing to give her the time of day if it would take time away from her BF and his kids.  Now she's trying to have it both ways by complaining about being "excluded."  Sorrynotsorry, but she made her choice, and it wasn't to be supportive and happy for the OP.  What exactly is the OP supposed to do to "work on their relationship" - let the BF and his daughter and her kids make all the decisions about the wedding, from when and where it takes place to who is invited, who is in the wedding party, what the menu is, what the music is, etc. ad nauseam?  Relationships are two-way streets-she can't make her "relationship" with her mother all about the BF and his daughter and her kids while the OP gets no personal attention at all.

    Like the OP said, she put her big girl panties on and accepted it.  She needs the rest of the world to do that too.  The aunt should have kept her mouth shut, and OP, I would tell her and anyone else who acts as your mother's mouthpiece not to act as your mother's messenger to you.

    [Deleted User]
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