Blue Haired Bridesmaid!

Knottie1440604088.defunct635810523342048963

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

ShesSoCold

Knottie1440604088 said:

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

Do you love her for her, or for her hair? 

justsie

Knottie1440604088 said:

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

Spare your friend the trouble and don't ask her, if you have known that she has a unique style and don't accept her for that unique style just because its your wedding day- well you honestly are not being a good friend right now. 

Also, to the bolded, the only thing BMs have to do is purchase the dress you ask for, in their set budget, and show up on the day of at the time your request sober enough to participate. If you ask her to be a BM because she is your nearest and dearest and she chooses not to do one of those three things then she has decided on her own that she didn't want to be your BM.

OP please remember that being in the bridal party is an honor you bestow upon your closest people, they are not there to do things for you or change who they are for you. They are there because you counldn't imagine getting married without them there. 

nerdwife

Knottie1440604088 said:

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

[insert buzzer sound here]

This is not the way this works. Either she's your close friend and you love her as is, or she is not and you do not. 

knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2

It sounds to me like you've already asked her to be a bridesmaid. Are you really her friend? You can't/shouldn't dictate how your bridesmaids wear their hair/make up/nails in your wedding. Isn't the individuality of your friends part of what you love about them?

Just know that kicking someone out of your wedding party is a friendship ending move. Your wedding is one day. Is it really worth losing a friend?

mileybangerz

ooooh this will be fun!

TrixieJess

Knottie1440604088 said:

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

Let me tell you a story. Once a long time ago I was asked to be MOH in a very good friend's wedding. We had been friends for 15 years at this point. She told all of us that she wanted us to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" colour. So, two weeks before her wedding, I cut all my hair and dyed it pretty colours (normal for me). She was not impressed. I ruined her "vision". Well, we are no longer friends partly because she cared more about her "vision" than her friends. 

Just throwing this out there.

NowIAmSyp

Good grief.

PrettyGirlLost

Of my 10 BMs and 3 Flower Girls, most had visible facial piercings and tattoos. . . large, unholy tattoos.  One of the flower girls even has a tat on her face, can you believe it!

You better believe I made those bitches cover all that tacky, body mutilation up. . .even the 6 year old flower girl.  Sorry kiddo, you don't get special treatment just because you're a kid!

I just thank God I didn't also have to deal with the added stress of wild hair colors too.  That would have been too much to handle and get maried at the same time.

sparklepants41

Knottie1440604088 said:

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

I think you should take several steps back and reevaluate everything: the way you treat your friends, your priorities, and even if you are mature enough to enter into something as important as marriage.

Knottie1440604088.defunct635810523342048963

she has always been a unique one and I do love that about her. The whole hair color thing is a new development. To be honest I have known her forever but we are not as close as we used to be and she was the one who asked if she can be in my wedding, she actually demanded to be maid of honor when I told her I got engaged. Not "hey that's great congrats" or anything like that just "I'm maid of honor right bitch?" :-/ I told her I was making my sister MOH and she backed up a little bit. I actually have been thinking of not asking her officially because she has gotten really flaky on plans and seems to not care. I was only planning to put her in my wedding to avoid possible drama from not having her but the hair thing has kind of put the cherry on top.

justsie

Knottie1440604088 said:

she has always been a unique one and I do love that about her. The whole hair color thing is a new development. To be honest I have known her forever but we are not as close as we used to be and she was the one who asked if she can be in my wedding, she actually demanded to be maid of honor when I told her I got engaged. Not "hey that's great congrats" or anything like that just "I'm maid of honor right bitch?" :-/ I told her I was making my sister MOH and she backed up a little bit. I actually have been thinking of not asking her officially because she has gotten really flaky on plans and seems to not care. I was only planning to put her in my wedding to avoid possible drama from not having her but the hair thing has kind of put the cherry on top.

If you don't want her as a BM don't ask her, as long as that is still an option of yours. But don't make it about hair or being flakey, because those are just excuses. You are an adult, right? Sometimes being an adult means making decisions that doesn't please everyone, so no you don't have to invite someone to be a BM just because they assume they will be- just don't sit there and make lame excuses for it either. 

sparklepants41

Knottie1440604088 said:

she has always been a unique one and I do love that about her. The whole hair color thing is a new development. To be honest I have known her forever but we are not as close as we used to be and she was the one who asked if she can be in my wedding, she actually demanded to be maid of honor when I told her I got engaged. Not "hey that's great congrats" or anything like that just "I'm maid of honor right bitch?" :-/ I told her I was making my sister MOH and she backed up a little bit. I actually have been thinking of not asking her officially because she has gotten really flaky on plans and seems to not care. I was only planning to put her in my wedding to avoid possible drama from not having her but the hair thing has kind of put the cherry on top.

Why oh why does it matter what color her hair is?

banana468

What would you do if your FI told you that you needed a major beauty change for him to marry you?

lovemesomemonster

Either you want her in your wedding or you don't, it's that simple. The hair color should have NOTHING to do with your wedding, if you want her in the wedding that means she's a good friend you want to honor, not a prop to be made over as you see fit. One of my girls just put purple in her hair, and guess what? It looks fabulous, I' happy that she's comfortable being herself because I love her for her, not for what color her hair is. 

mommysolt

OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

Moving on....

Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

mommysolt

"This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no."  

Correction:  She has a right to say no to being a bridesmaid.  

JediElizabeth

mommysolt said:

OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

Moving on....

Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

There is SO much wrong with this.

Do not judge your friends by their hair. Do not make them conform to your little outdated box just so your pictures match your vision. Gross. Gross. Gross.

And dying hair? Not something you just do one day and then go back to the last color the next. I don't know if you know this about hair, but it gets damaged by chemical processes, and really can't tolerate application after application of dye. So no, you're not asking her to change it for a day, you're asking her to change it for weeks or more.

Not that that matters, because you shouldn't ask a friend to change their hair for you anyway. 

Ask them to wear a dress or specific color? Sure. Nail polish? Pushing it, and rude but tolerable. Updo or down? Meh, uncool, but whatever, it's a day. Semi-permanent chemical process to conform to an outdated beauty standard? No. 

But, you know, it's your day, so go ahead and make your demands. I'm sure you totally won't ruin a friendship from it or anything.

---Edited because words 

mommysolt

TrixieJess said:

Knottie1440604088 said:

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

Let me tell you a story. Once a long time ago I was asked to be MOH in a very good friend's wedding. We had been friends for 15 years at this point. She told all of us that she wanted us to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" colour. So, two weeks before her wedding, I cut all my hair and dyed it pretty colours (normal for me). She was not impressed. I ruined her "vision". Well, we are no longer friends partly because she cared more about her "vision" than her friends. 

Just throwing this out there.

She said she wanted y'all to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" color.... to which you said.... ????  Was that where you spoke your mind like an adult and said, "actually, I had this idea in mind, that doesn't really go along with that, but it's really pretty, let me tell you about it...", 

OR

Did you take your "friend's" comment, stick it in your back pocket, then when you're about to dye your hair, take that comment out of your back pocket, and say "meh, whatev", and dye it anyways, because you assumed she said it just for fun, and her opinions on HER wedding day don't matter.

Sounds like there may be bigger reasons why you aren't friends anymore.  Just saying... friendships take communication, and you have to be willing to talk about things.  

nerdwife

mommysolt said:

OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

Moving on....

Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

What on earth does the bolded have to do with anything? I'm paying for my own wedding, so my friends have to make fundamental changes to their appearances?

PrettyGirlLost

mommysolt said:

OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  Well bless your heart, but that's the whole point.  It is JUST a wedding, it is JUST one day. .. which IS TRIVIAL when compared to your friendship with a person you are presumably close enough to that you'd ask them to be in your wedding with you.  What this means is that you love and accept your friends exactly as they are, and value that over a set of damned pictures.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  My FI and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves and paid a hefty price for our photographers.  Our pictures are worth the thousands we spend on them because our friends are in them, not because of how our friends look.  That's just superficial and immature.  Seriously, do you really value how your pictures look over the people that are in them?

Moving on....

Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  I don't understand why the "fashion hair" would ruin the "forever" wedding pictures?  That seems shallow and superficial. . . because it is.  Hair does not make you who you are.  Um, for some people it does.  It's how the express their own personal style and aesthetic.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  I'm guessing she's not going to care because she liked her hair at the time.  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  Yeah you draw that line by keeping your mouth shut over what other people do to their own bodies.  Or if you are really that superficial, you just don't ask ppl to be in your WP that will "ruin" your pictures.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  So are you upset that she takes the attention off of you and that people aren't fawning over you, or are you upset because you just thought she looked bad and you are embarrassed for her?  I've seen a lot of people wear outfits or style their hair and make up in ways that I think look awful, including brides walking down the aisle, but as long as they like the way they look, who the fuck cares?  Not my body, not my life.  And I don't love my family and friends just because they are hot or attractive.    This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Why do people think just because they are getting married they have a hall pass to act rude and crappy to everyone around them?  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

The majority of this post sounds very superficial and shallow.

Like I said before, many of my BMs had visible tattoos and some had facial piercings.  I did not ask my BMs to do anything about any of them, despite having spent thousands on the photographer, because I gave exactly zero fucks about ink and metal ruining my photos.  What would have ruined the photos would have been the absence of my beloved friends and family.

[Deleted User]

Oh my fucking god!!!  Print the goddamn bridal party photos in fucking black and white!!!  Done.  No idea what color anybody's hair is.

climbingsingle

mommysolt said:

OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

Moving on....

Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

You've got to be fucking kidding. I paid for my whole wedding. That makes NO difference. If my MOH showed up with her hair every color of the rainbow, I would not have cared. My pictures reflect the joy of the day. I don't need my friends to conform to some ridiculous standard of normal. I love them for who they are, not what they look like. 

You have no right to dictate hair color to a friend, or anything else. How would you feel if a friend told you that you needed to drop 15 pounds if you wanted to stand up in her wedding? Stop giving awful advice! 

ShesSoCold

My high school boyfriend had blue hair. He dyed it back to his natural color before prom and I was so sad. I knew him with blue hair. I wanted him to look like himself in our prom pictures and brown hair wasn't "him". 

mommysolt

JediElizabeth said:

mommysolt said:

OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

Moving on....

Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

There is SO much wrong with this.

Do not judge your friends by their hair. Do not make them conform to your little outdated box just so your pictures match your vision. Gross. Gross. Gross.

And dying hair? Not something you just do one day and then go back to the last color the next. I don't know if you know this about hair, but it gets damaged by chemical processes, and really can't tolerate application after application of dye. So no, you're not asking her to change it for a day, you're asking her to change it for weeks or more.

Not that that matters, because you shouldn't ask a friend to change their hair for you anyway. 

Ask them to wear a dress or specific color? Sure. Nail polish? Pushing it, and rude but tolerable. Updo or down? Meh, uncool, but whatever, it's a day. Semi-permanent chemical process to conform to an outdated beauty standard? No. 

But, you know, it's your day, so go ahead and make your demands. I'm sure you totally won't ruin a friendship from it or anything.

---Edited because words 

So then at this rate she will have no hair for this wedding because it will have all fallen out, because it sounds like she wants to keep dying it anyways.  

Sooooo, basically it's okay to force your friends to wear the color you want, the dress you want, the style you want, regardless if it looks good on their body type, or whether or not they hate that color, or feel like it doesn't bring out "who they are as a person".  For what??? For AN IMAGE!  Otherwise, everyone can just wear leggings or whatever, I want you to be yourself completely.

Bridesmaids are ASKED to be bridesmaids.  Not told.  And I don't think a bridesmaid has to pay for the photography, or the dinner, or the venue, or anything else.

If her friend knows its that important to her, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal.  What if this girl has some giant Pikachu tattoo on her arm and the bride is totally cool with that, but it's just this one thing that's important to her?  

Who is the wedding really about here?  

TrixieJess

mommysolt said:

OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

Moving on....

Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

Umm...most of the people on these boards have or are paying for their own fucking weddings. 

I'm sorry that your friends don't live up to your lofty standards and you judge friendships by how people look. 

I have no idea what colour either of my BMs' hair is going to be by next summer nor the length of it as they both change it depending on their moods. What matters is that two of my closest friends are going to party with me on the day I get married. 

mileybangerz

If you're so damned concerned about how your fucking pictures will look, hire models to stand by you on your wedding day!!!!!!

TrixieJess

mommysolt said:

TrixieJess said:

Knottie1440604088 said:

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

Let me tell you a story. Once a long time ago I was asked to be MOH in a very good friend's wedding. We had been friends for 15 years at this point. She told all of us that she wanted us to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" colour. So, two weeks before her wedding, I cut all my hair and dyed it pretty colours (normal for me). She was not impressed. I ruined her "vision". Well, we are no longer friends partly because she cared more about her "vision" than her friends. 

Just throwing this out there.

She said she wanted y'all to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" color.... to which you said.... ????  Was that where you spoke your mind like an adult and said, "actually, I had this idea in mind, that doesn't really go along with that, but it's really pretty, let me tell you about it...", 

OR

Did you take your "friend's" comment, stick it in your back pocket, then when you're about to dye your hair, take that comment out of your back pocket, and say "meh, whatev", and dye it anyways, because you assumed she said it just for fun, and her opinions on HER wedding day don't matter.

Sounds like there may be bigger reasons why you aren't friends anymore.  Just saying... friendships take communication, and you have to be willing to talk about things.  

Pretty much this. I was a hair model at the time and the colour of my hair had to do with how much I was getting paid. SO yep. My friend at the time knew it and because her vision trumped anything else, I said Fuck it.

As to why we aren't friends anymore, it was one of the nails in the coffin. Two other people who were in the wedding party that she was friends with also took the opportunity to drop her like a hot potato because of things that surrounded her wedding.

Your BMs are there because YOU are honouring THEM. They are not at your beck and call nor are they there as props. You should pick people who you can call at 2am and ask them to bring a shovel and gloves and they show up without question. If they aren't those people, they shouldn't be in your BP.

nerdwife

mommysolt said:

JediElizabeth said:

mommysolt said:

OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

Moving on....

Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

There is SO much wrong with this.

Do not judge your friends by their hair. Do not make them conform to your little outdated box just so your pictures match your vision. Gross. Gross. Gross.

And dying hair? Not something you just do one day and then go back to the last color the next. I don't know if you know this about hair, but it gets damaged by chemical processes, and really can't tolerate application after application of dye. So no, you're not asking her to change it for a day, you're asking her to change it for weeks or more.

Not that that matters, because you shouldn't ask a friend to change their hair for you anyway. 

Ask them to wear a dress or specific color? Sure. Nail polish? Pushing it, and rude but tolerable. Updo or down? Meh, uncool, but whatever, it's a day. Semi-permanent chemical process to conform to an outdated beauty standard? No. 

But, you know, it's your day, so go ahead and make your demands. I'm sure you totally won't ruin a friendship from it or anything.

---Edited because words 

So then at this rate she will have no hair for this wedding because it will have all fallen out, because it sounds like she wants to keep dying it anyways.  

Sooooo, basically it's okay to force your friends to wear the color you want, the dress you want, the style you want, regardless if it looks good on their body type, or whether or not they hate that color, or feel like it doesn't bring out "who they are as a person".  For what??? For AN IMAGE!  Otherwise, everyone can just wear leggings or whatever, I want you to be yourself completely.

Bridesmaids are ASKED to be bridesmaids.  Not told.  And I don't think a bridesmaid has to pay for the photography, or the dinner, or the venue, or anything else.

If her friend knows its that important to her, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal.  What if this girl has some giant Pikachu tattoo on her arm and the bride is totally cool with that, but it's just this one thing that's important to her?  

Who is the wedding really about here?  

Well I personally plan on using a dress that can be worn in different styles so that my BMs can pick what they're most comfortable in. You definitely should not be forcing them to wear something that clearly looks terrible on them (whether or not the dresses come in different styles).

Also, the point of having BMs is not for "AN IMAGE." It's to honor the people that are very closest to you by asking them to stand with you when you do this incredibly important thing.

You're all kinds of confused.

randomslove

Either you want her as BM or you don't. DO NOT make her hair the "reason" you don't. To be honest, that sounds like what you're doing.

You talk about her hair, her hair, her hair, then casually mention toward the end that there may be another issue. To me, that means you're probably trying to justify not having her hair "ruin" your vision. Either she's a good enough friend you want her as a BM regardless of how she looks, or she's not a good enough friend. That's all. That is the only issue.

I have blue/green hair. If asked to be in a wedding right now, I would be hurt if the person decided my hair was too weird and I needed to dye it for their "vision." I look spectacular with blue and green hair. It looks right on me, to my eyes and to the eyes of my FI (who said he prefers it like this to my natural auburn, or an artificial red, or blonde, or brown, or any other color I've ever had it). I'd also start to wonder what else they'd want to change about me. Would they want me to tan? (I'm very pale naturally-- Irish blood). Would they want me to lose weight? (I'm a size six, but short, so curvy). Would they want me to cover my tattoos? (Chest, both arms, back are all easy to see in gowns). Would they want me to take out all but ear lobe piercings? (Five extra on one ear, three on the other, nose stud, philtrum, bottom lip-- to be fair, the facial piercings are all good as far as taking out if they really want; heck, it's a 50/50 whether I wear the lower lip piercing in public anyway).

I've heard of brides who want to change weight, skin tone, hair color, decorations... brides who insist their wedding party don't wear their engagement rings. Seriously, where does the BMs right to their own bodies stop and a bride's right to dictate end?

The dress, sure. I can understand that. But everything else.... you supposedly choose people because who they are to you, not what they look like. If you care so much that they all look the same, go find triplet models and get them to sign a contract.

Yes, I know this is extreme. Guess what? That's to drive home the point.

(Personal note-- I'm telling my BMs and MOH what color dress to choose and giving them the info of normal weather for the date and place. My MOH has facial piercings and tattoos, one BM has two tattoos, one is completely natural. Should they change something between now and my wedding, they will still be in my wedding. I chose them for who they are, not how they look. One of my FI's groomsmen has ear piercings--- cool, if he wants to keep them in for the wedding, that's fine by me. We knew who they were when we chose our BP. We love them and their quirks.)

ETF typo

mommysolt

TrixieJess said:

mommysolt said:

TrixieJess said:

Knottie1440604088 said:

Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?

Let me tell you a story. Once a long time ago I was asked to be MOH in a very good friend's wedding. We had been friends for 15 years at this point. She told all of us that she wanted us to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" colour. So, two weeks before her wedding, I cut all my hair and dyed it pretty colours (normal for me). She was not impressed. I ruined her "vision". Well, we are no longer friends partly because she cared more about her "vision" than her friends. 

Just throwing this out there.

She said she wanted y'all to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" color.... to which you said.... ????  Was that where you spoke your mind like an adult and said, "actually, I had this idea in mind, that doesn't really go along with that, but it's really pretty, let me tell you about it...", 

OR

Did you take your "friend's" comment, stick it in your back pocket, then when you're about to dye your hair, take that comment out of your back pocket, and say "meh, whatev", and dye it anyways, because you assumed she said it just for fun, and her opinions on HER wedding day don't matter.

Sounds like there may be bigger reasons why you aren't friends anymore.  Just saying... friendships take communication, and you have to be willing to talk about things.  

Pretty much this. I was a hair model at the time and the colour of my hair had to do with how much I was getting paid. SO yep. My friend at the time knew it and because her vision trumped anything else, I said Fuck it.

As to why we aren't friends anymore, it was one of the nails in the coffin. Two other people who were in the wedding party that she was friends with also took the opportunity to drop her like a hot potato because of things that surrounded her wedding.

Your BMs are there because YOU are honouring THEM. They are not at your beck and call nor are they there as props. You should pick people who you can call at 2am and ask them to bring a shovel and gloves and they show up without question. If they aren't those people, they shouldn't be in your BP.

Ok, yeah, can understand getting paid.  But clearly you knew it was going to be an issue becuase its not like she never said anything...   Like if you did it and she had never said anything at all, then freaked out on you, then yeah, maybe I would be like, "I didn't realize it was so important to you, this is my job, etc, etc"  But if you were a hair model, and she brought it up ahead of time.... y'all didn't have any discussion as friends?  Clearly one of you had to know it was going to come up.  

I dunno, I just don't think it's cool to do that to your friends if you care about each other and you know for a fact that she has expressed one thing that is important to her.  But I don't know your situation, so maybe everyone is happier not being friends with her.

Only fair to look at both sides.