FMIL expects FI's whole family to be in the wedding party, and she's paying for half of the wedding

vanadisisland

My FI is from a huge (by my standards anyway) extended family, she has 24 first cousins. FMIL expects us to ask each and every one of them to be in the wedding party. FI doesn't want to ask them (we weren't actually intending to invite most of them), she's not close to any of them, she just intends to ash her brother and 3 friends to be in her bridal party, and I intend only to ask four of my friends.

The thing is, FFIL and FMIL are paying for almost half of the wedding. We're quite happy to give back the money if those are the conditions, but I also know they will be massively insulted if we do, and it could very well cause a huge fall out between FMIL, FFIL, FI and I, and we really don't want that.

We're just kind of lost as to what to do. I guess this was more of a vent than anything.

southernbelle0915

That sucks. But adulting = standing up to parents. She should just tell them what she wants to do and that if they want to condition the money on that one thing, yall will return the money.

If she's worried about a falling out, make sure she also tells them she's not mad at them, that it's just what she wants for herself. If they decide to make it into something bigger, that's on them. She can just continue to be the bigger person and ignore the drama.

Jen4948

This is one of the few aspects of wedding planning where who is paying has no bearing on the decision. It's not up to your FFILs who is in your wedding party regardless of how much they are paying-they're not even entitled to any "expectations." If you're concerned that they'll use any financial contributions as a weapon against you if you don't ask everyone they want you to ask, I'd return any money they've given you so far and not accept any future contributions from them.

MairePoppy

The bride and groom get to choose the wedding party, regardless of who's paying for what. Your fi should tell her mom that she is not going to ask the 24 (YIKES) cousins to be in her wedding party. If mom balks, return her money and then plan the wedding you can afford.

If fmil concedes the wp decision and you have decided to accept her money, then fmil has a huge say in the guest list. If she wants to invite the cousins, then you're stuck with the decsion again to accept her money and some strings or decline the money and invite whoever you wish.

OliveOilsMom

vanadisisland said:

My FI is from a huge (by my standards anyway) extended family, she has 24 first cousins. FMIL expects us to ask each and every one of them to be in the wedding party. FI doesn't want to ask them (we weren't actually intending to invite most of them), she's not close to any of them, she just intends to ash her brother and 3 friends to be in her bridal party, and I intend only to ask four of my friends.

The thing is, FFIL and FMIL are paying for almost half of the wedding. We're quite happy to give back the money if those are the conditions, but I also know they will be massively insulted if we do, and it could very well cause a huge fall out between FMIL, FFIL, FI and I, and we really don't want that.

We're just kind of lost as to what to do. I guess this was more of a vent than anything.

Ditto Marie.  Your FI should be speaking to FMIL and FFIL privately about this.  We always advise on these boards that you deal with your family and FI deals with theirs.  So your FI should go speak with her parents.  "Mom, I know that you are expecting me to ask all of my cousins to be in my WP, but that is not what I am going to do.  I'm sorry if this disappoints you, but I have made my decision on who will be in my BP and that decision is final."  Then the subject should be changed.

If FMIL continues on the BP decision.  Your FI will need to get a little more forceful.  "Mom, I have already made my decision on this topic.  I'm sorry you don't like it, but this is final."

If at anytime FMIL and FFIL want to withdrawal their funds over this decision, accept it and give them back any money you were given.  The bonus to that would be that you get to make 100% of the decisions. 

Remember that since FILs are paying, they may insist on having these cousins at least invited to the wedding.  As long as this doesn't stretch your budget too far, I'd probably allow the invitations to the cousins.  That might be a fair compromise with FMIL.

The 24 first cousins reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  "You don't understand.  I have 24 first cousins alone.  24!"

fyrchk

OliveOilsMom said:

The 24 first cousins reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  "You don't understand.  I have 24 first cousins alone.  24!"

My first thought also. And then the blue dresses. I'm gonna have to watch it tonight!

drunkenwitch

fyrchk said:

OliveOilsMom said:

The 24 first cousins reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  "You don't understand.  I have 24 first cousins alone.  24!"

My first thought also. And then the blue dresses. I'm gonna have to watch it tonight!


_____box_____

Welcome to my home. Over here is my brother, Ted, and his wife, Melissa, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Over here, my brother Tommy, his wife Angie, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. And here, my brother George, his wife Freda, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Taki, Sophie, Kari, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, uh, Nikki, and I am Gus.

AddieCake

Nobody but the couple decides who is in the wedding party.