FI is a nervous wreck already! How can I help him relax?

MrsRizzo1031

My boyfriend of 3 years proposed just this past weekend, but he and I have been slowly and casually planning our wedding for a few months. I know it's a cardinal sin to start planning before or immediately after the engagement, but we both agreed we were ready to start making it happen, and he really wants to get married next October so we agreed we should start sooner than later.

But it seems like the moment he proposed, the reality of wedding planning really set in for him and now he's suddenly a bundle of nerves and anxiety. He has bad social anxiety and is really nervous about reading vows and being around all our relatives and he's feeling very overwhelmed by everything that goes into a wedding. He didn't really know anything about wedding planning and hadn't been to many, so he's worried he's going to get too bogged down before we get any planning done. Money is really stressing him out too, even though both our families have told us that between all of them, they'll make sure we don't have to pay for much.

I delegated two small jobs to him for the time being (making our wedding website and working with my aunt on our catering menu, which are things he personally showed interest in and things I know that don't need to be done immediately) and told him not to worry about anything else right now and just offer his opinion on things I show him / tell him about. I told him I would handle any phone calls and I'd do all the talking in venue meetings (two big sources of anxiety for him) but he still seems too stressed out for it to still be a full year before the wedding. 

He's super excited, but he's also so nervous and anxious I'm afraid he's going to kill over from a heart attack before we even make it to the big day! He's stressing over things we don't even have to make a decision on yet! How can I help convince my future hubby to relax and enjoy the process?

CMGragain

MrsRizzo1031 said:

My boyfriend of 3 years proposed just this past weekend, but he and I have been slowly and casually planning our wedding for a few months. I know it's a cardinal sin to start planning before or immediately after the engagement, but we both agreed we were ready to start making it happen, and he really wants to get married next October so we agreed we should start sooner than later.

But it seems like the moment he proposed, the reality of wedding planning really set in for him and now he's suddenly a bundle of nerves and anxiety. He has bad social anxiety and is really nervous about reading vows and being around all our relatives and he's feeling very overwhelmed by everything that goes into a wedding. He didn't really know anything about wedding planning and hadn't been to many, so he's worried he's going to get too bogged down before we get any planning done. Money is really stressing him out too, even though both our families have told us that between all of them, they'll make sure we don't have to pay for much.

I delegated two small jobs to him for the time being (making our wedding website and working with my aunt on our catering menu, which are things he personally showed interest in and things I know that don't need to be done immediately) and told him not to worry about anything else right now and just offer his opinion on things I show him / tell him about. I told him I would handle any phone calls and I'd do all the talking in venue meetings (two big sources of anxiety for him) but he still seems too stressed out for it to still be a full year before the wedding. 

He's super excited, but he's also so nervous and anxious I'm afraid he's going to kill over from a heart attack before we even make it to the big day! He's stressing over things we don't even have to make a decision on yet! How can I help convince my future hubby to relax and enjoy the process?

You can't.  He is uncomfortable with your plans.  You can change your plans to make them less stressful for him - smaller wedding, simple reception.  You cannot change HIM.

MNNEBride

MrsRizzo1031 said:

My boyfriend of 3 years proposed just this past weekend, but he and I have been slowly and casually planning our wedding for a few months. I know it's a cardinal sin to start planning before or immediately after the engagement, but we both agreed we were ready to start making it happen, and he really wants to get married next October so we agreed we should start sooner than later.

But it seems like the moment he proposed, the reality of wedding planning really set in for him and now he's suddenly a bundle of nerves and anxiety. He has bad social anxiety and is really nervous about reading vows and being around all our relatives and he's feeling very overwhelmed by everything that goes into a wedding. He didn't really know anything about wedding planning and hadn't been to many, so he's worried he's going to get too bogged down before we get any planning done. Money is really stressing him out too, even though both our families have told us that between all of them, they'll make sure we don't have to pay for much.

I delegated two small jobs to him for the time being (making our wedding website and working with my aunt on our catering menu, which are things he personally showed interest in and things I know that don't need to be done immediately) and told him not to worry about anything else right now and just offer his opinion on things I show him / tell him about. I told him I would handle any phone calls and I'd do all the talking in venue meetings (two big sources of anxiety for him) but he still seems too stressed out for it to still be a full year before the wedding. 

He's super excited, but he's also so nervous and anxious I'm afraid he's going to kill over from a heart attack before we even make it to the big day! He's stressing over things we don't even have to make a decision on yet! How can I help convince my future hubby to relax and enjoy the process?

BJ?

JediElizabeth

MrsRizzo1031 said:

My boyfriend of 3 years proposed just this past weekend, but he and I have been slowly and casually planning our wedding for a few months. I know it's a cardinal sin to start planning before or immediately after the engagement, but we both agreed we were ready to start making it happen, and he really wants to get married next October so we agreed we should start sooner than later.

But it seems like the moment he proposed, the reality of wedding planning really set in for him and now he's suddenly a bundle of nerves and anxiety. He has bad social anxiety and is really nervous about reading vows and being around all our relatives and he's feeling very overwhelmed by everything that goes into a wedding. He didn't really know anything about wedding planning and hadn't been to many, so he's worried he's going to get too bogged down before we get any planning done. Money is really stressing him out too, even though both our families have told us that between all of them, they'll make sure we don't have to pay for much.

I delegated two small jobs to him for the time being (making our wedding website and working with my aunt on our catering menu, which are things he personally showed interest in and things I know that don't need to be done immediately) and told him not to worry about anything else right now and just offer his opinion on things I show him / tell him about. I told him I would handle any phone calls and I'd do all the talking in venue meetings (two big sources of anxiety for him) but he still seems too stressed out for it to still be a full year before the wedding. 

He's super excited, but he's also so nervous and anxious I'm afraid he's going to kill over from a heart attack before we even make it to the big day! He's stressing over things we don't even have to make a decision on yet! How can I help convince my future hubby to relax and enjoy the process?

My FI has none of the social anxiety issues that your has - that's me in our relationship, to be honest. For that I agree with PP - pick out a reception that works for both of you, which means something that doesn't trigger his anxiety.

As for getting overwhelmed with planning: One thing that helped him was me making a schedule. We have a long engagement because I'm in school right now, so ours was something like this:

Create budget/outline savings goals per paycheck - June 2014

Make tentative guest list - July 2014

Look at/book venues - July-Aug 2014

...

Send STDs - May 2016

Pick out attire - Summer 2016

Meet with venue caterers - January 2017

It helps me because I keep telling myself I have time for things, but it helps him because it allows him to know what's coming up, if he has any research to do if he doesn't know about things, etc. Also, it let us organize properly: we didn't book anything or even figure out if we'd be having a meal at our wedding until we knew what we were able to spend. This is a huge stress reducer, because we know we won't go into debt over our decisions.

dalm0m

Ask him what his vision of the perfect wedding looks like and what he would like to see happen that will alleviate his anxiety.  If he's happy to give you what you want bu is still nervous about being the center of attention have him talk to his medical doctor; perhaps he can take 1/2 a xanax before the ceremony.  Not enough to be loopy & stoned but enough to get through the day. 

holyguacamole79

Does he normallly get anxious like this prior to major events?  

*Barbie*

MNNEBride said:

MrsRizzo1031 said:

My boyfriend of 3 years proposed just this past weekend, but he and I have been slowly and casually planning our wedding for a few months. I know it's a cardinal sin to start planning before or immediately after the engagement, but we both agreed we were ready to start making it happen, and he really wants to get married next October so we agreed we should start sooner than later.

But it seems like the moment he proposed, the reality of wedding planning really set in for him and now he's suddenly a bundle of nerves and anxiety. He has bad social anxiety and is really nervous about reading vows and being around all our relatives and he's feeling very overwhelmed by everything that goes into a wedding. He didn't really know anything about wedding planning and hadn't been to many, so he's worried he's going to get too bogged down before we get any planning done. Money is really stressing him out too, even though both our families have told us that between all of them, they'll make sure we don't have to pay for much.

I delegated two small jobs to him for the time being (making our wedding website and working with my aunt on our catering menu, which are things he personally showed interest in and things I know that don't need to be done immediately) and told him not to worry about anything else right now and just offer his opinion on things I show him / tell him about. I told him I would handle any phone calls and I'd do all the talking in venue meetings (two big sources of anxiety for him) but he still seems too stressed out for it to still be a full year before the wedding. 

He's super excited, but he's also so nervous and anxious I'm afraid he's going to kill over from a heart attack before we even make it to the big day! He's stressing over things we don't even have to make a decision on yet! How can I help convince my future hubby to relax and enjoy the process?

BJ?

I was going to say sex, but yeah, same idea. 

how about steak and a BJ? - the official day isn't until march, but you can celebrate early. 

MrsRizzo1031

holyguacamole79 said:

Does he normallly get anxious like this prior to major events?  

Yep. This is pretty normal for him. He doesn't have panic attacks or anything like that (not often anyway) but he does stress a LOT over upcoming social interactions. Once he's in the moment, though, he's usually fine. It's the before-hand part that flips him out.

MrsRizzo1031

dalm0m said:

Ask him what his vision of the perfect wedding looks like and what he would like to see happen that will alleviate his anxiety.  If he's happy to give you what you want bu is still nervous about being the center of attention have him talk to his medical doctor; perhaps he can take 1/2 a xanax before the ceremony.  Not enough to be loopy & stoned but enough to get through the day. 

I've asked him this, and he told me he's never really thought about it. He's not a heavily opinionated guy and he's told me a few times that he much prefers me to come up with all the ideas and then just let him help choose between them, which is how we do most things (not just wedding stuff). I'll definitely check and see if there's anything we can add in or remove or change about the wedding that will help him out. We have very little decided right now so it won't be hard to make changes. His anxiety is part of what helped make our first major ceremony decision: to have a first look. He says doing this will definitely help him calm down right before he walks. So I'll see if there's anything else like this he has in mind that we can do to help him out.

MrsRizzo1031

JediElizabeth said:

MrsRizzo1031 said:

My boyfriend of 3 years proposed just this past weekend, but he and I have been slowly and casually planning our wedding for a few months. I know it's a cardinal sin to start planning before or immediately after the engagement, but we both agreed we were ready to start making it happen, and he really wants to get married next October so we agreed we should start sooner than later.

But it seems like the moment he proposed, the reality of wedding planning really set in for him and now he's suddenly a bundle of nerves and anxiety. He has bad social anxiety and is really nervous about reading vows and being around all our relatives and he's feeling very overwhelmed by everything that goes into a wedding. He didn't really know anything about wedding planning and hadn't been to many, so he's worried he's going to get too bogged down before we get any planning done. Money is really stressing him out too, even though both our families have told us that between all of them, they'll make sure we don't have to pay for much.

I delegated two small jobs to him for the time being (making our wedding website and working with my aunt on our catering menu, which are things he personally showed interest in and things I know that don't need to be done immediately) and told him not to worry about anything else right now and just offer his opinion on things I show him / tell him about. I told him I would handle any phone calls and I'd do all the talking in venue meetings (two big sources of anxiety for him) but he still seems too stressed out for it to still be a full year before the wedding. 

He's super excited, but he's also so nervous and anxious I'm afraid he's going to kill over from a heart attack before we even make it to the big day! He's stressing over things we don't even have to make a decision on yet! How can I help convince my future hubby to relax and enjoy the process?

My FI has none of the social anxiety issues that your has - that's me in our relationship, to be honest. For that I agree with PP - pick out a reception that works for both of you, which means something that doesn't trigger his anxiety.

As for getting overwhelmed with planning: One thing that helped him was me making a schedule. We have a long engagement because I'm in school right now, so ours was something like this:

Create budget/outline savings goals per paycheck - June 2014

Make tentative guest list - July 2014

Look at/book venues - July-Aug 2014

...

Send STDs - May 2016

Pick out attire - Summer 2016

Meet with venue caterers - January 2017

It helps me because I keep telling myself I have time for things, but it helps him because it allows him to know what's coming up, if he has any research to do if he doesn't know about things, etc. Also, it let us organize properly: we didn't book anything or even figure out if we'd be having a meal at our wedding until we knew what we were able to spend. This is a huge stress reducer, because we know we won't go into debt over our decisions.

This is a great idea! He loves stuff like this. Hell, he likes making detailed lists and budget plans just to get groceries. I'll sit down with him in the next day or two and do this with him. Thanks.

MrsRizzo1031

*Barbie* said:

MNNEBride said:

MrsRizzo1031 said:

My boyfriend of 3 years proposed just this past weekend, but he and I have been slowly and casually planning our wedding for a few months. I know it's a cardinal sin to start planning before or immediately after the engagement, but we both agreed we were ready to start making it happen, and he really wants to get married next October so we agreed we should start sooner than later.

But it seems like the moment he proposed, the reality of wedding planning really set in for him and now he's suddenly a bundle of nerves and anxiety. He has bad social anxiety and is really nervous about reading vows and being around all our relatives and he's feeling very overwhelmed by everything that goes into a wedding. He didn't really know anything about wedding planning and hadn't been to many, so he's worried he's going to get too bogged down before we get any planning done. Money is really stressing him out too, even though both our families have told us that between all of them, they'll make sure we don't have to pay for much.

I delegated two small jobs to him for the time being (making our wedding website and working with my aunt on our catering menu, which are things he personally showed interest in and things I know that don't need to be done immediately) and told him not to worry about anything else right now and just offer his opinion on things I show him / tell him about. I told him I would handle any phone calls and I'd do all the talking in venue meetings (two big sources of anxiety for him) but he still seems too stressed out for it to still be a full year before the wedding. 

He's super excited, but he's also so nervous and anxious I'm afraid he's going to kill over from a heart attack before we even make it to the big day! He's stressing over things we don't even have to make a decision on yet! How can I help convince my future hubby to relax and enjoy the process?

BJ?

I was going to say sex, but yeah, same idea. 

how about steak and a BJ? - the official day isn't until march, but you can celebrate early. 

Yeah I'm going to try to up my bedroom game in the coming months. We have a very healthy sex life as it is, but I'm definitely going to look into giving him a little extra TLC to help him relax, starting very soon.

holyguacamole79

MrsRizzo1031 said:

Does he normallly get anxious like this prior to major events?  

Yep. This is pretty normal for him. He doesn't have panic attacks or anything like that (not often anyway) but he does stress a LOT over upcoming social interactions. Once he's in the moment, though, he's usually fine. It's the before-hand part that flips him out.

In that case, I would encourage him and take "baby steps" as much as possible.  

drunkenwitch

MrsRizzo1031 said:

*Barbie* said:

MNNEBride said:

MrsRizzo1031 said:

My boyfriend of 3 years proposed just this past weekend, but he and I have been slowly and casually planning our wedding for a few months. I know it's a cardinal sin to start planning before or immediately after the engagement, but we both agreed we were ready to start making it happen, and he really wants to get married next October so we agreed we should start sooner than later.

But it seems like the moment he proposed, the reality of wedding planning really set in for him and now he's suddenly a bundle of nerves and anxiety. He has bad social anxiety and is really nervous about reading vows and being around all our relatives and he's feeling very overwhelmed by everything that goes into a wedding. He didn't really know anything about wedding planning and hadn't been to many, so he's worried he's going to get too bogged down before we get any planning done. Money is really stressing him out too, even though both our families have told us that between all of them, they'll make sure we don't have to pay for much.

I delegated two small jobs to him for the time being (making our wedding website and working with my aunt on our catering menu, which are things he personally showed interest in and things I know that don't need to be done immediately) and told him not to worry about anything else right now and just offer his opinion on things I show him / tell him about. I told him I would handle any phone calls and I'd do all the talking in venue meetings (two big sources of anxiety for him) but he still seems too stressed out for it to still be a full year before the wedding. 

He's super excited, but he's also so nervous and anxious I'm afraid he's going to kill over from a heart attack before we even make it to the big day! He's stressing over things we don't even have to make a decision on yet! How can I help convince my future hubby to relax and enjoy the process?

BJ?

I was going to say sex, but yeah, same idea. 

how about steak and a BJ? - the official day isn't until march, but you can celebrate early. 

Yeah I'm going to try to up my bedroom game in the coming months. We have a very healthy sex life as it is, but I'm definitely going to look into giving him a little extra TLC to help him relax, starting very soon.

ETA boxes _____

Or, try only approaching wedding topics when you're topless, that really helps my man calm down. Of course, then he can't focus...

MesmrEwe

There are a few red flags here.  First, stop planning the wedding, start planning the marriage when it comes to details with YFI.  Ask him what he wants to be involved with and what he wants to do, not what you delegate to him to do.  If he wants to choose every song in the play-list, let him do so.  Or, see if he's interested in planning the honeymoon.  The details you handed to him can be very overwhelming unless he's a tech kind of guy.

If the anxiety of saying vows in front of everyone is too much, the best option for the ceremony may be you have a completely private ceremony earlier in the day (etiquette dictates that everyone be invited to both, but there is wiggle room if you keep this PRIVATE, meaning parents/GP/siblings & immediate SO & kids only/WP/officiant) then everyone's invited to the reception that evening.  People will be disappointed if they're only invited to the reception, but if they know FI's anxiety, they'll understand.  But, you need to decide this with your FI.  Living with someone who has that level of anxiety isn't easy, you need to know when to push and when to accept that you need to back off. 

The next red flag - family as vendors/working your wedding instead of enjoying it. You mentioned your aunt handling the food.  Unless she's a caterer by trade, I'd suggest you think twice about making her work your wedding.  Hopefully it's something SHE volunteered herself for and not something you VolunTOLD her she is doing (even if she's a pro, she may just want to go and enjoy your reception)..  Also, depending on her status of licensed or not she may or may not be able to do the food anyway. 

spockforprez

When you say "reading vows," keep in minds there are a lot of different options for vows. I know all the wedding TV shows have personalized, "love letter" style vows now, but that is absolutely not necessary. You can have anything you want from simply saying "I do" a couple times to doing the repeat-style vows where you simply follow the officiant.

FH and I will exchange mushy, private vows during our first look, with no one else there. There are things I want to promise him I don't think guests need to hear, and it will make me feel more comfortable as I know I will be bawling my eyes out. In our ceremony, we will do more traditional vows (although tbh I'll probably still bawl my eyes out, dammit).

The ceremony is the one place where (other than the legal minimums) ONLY your and your FH's opinion matters. Tailor it to you two, and that will probably take a lot of anxiety off.

Also, you can kill some of the spotlight stuff. Don't have a first dance, or have maybe 30 seconds before inviting others to dance with you. Don't worry about "being announced" into the reception. Almost anything that you or he is uncomfortable with can be nixed!

MrsRizzo1031

MesmrEwe said:

There are a few red flags here.  First, stop planning the wedding, start planning the marriage when it comes to details with YFI.  Ask him what he wants to be involved with and what he wants to do, not what you delegate to him to do.  If he wants to choose every song in the play-list, let him do so.  Or, see if he's interested in planning the honeymoon.  The details you handed to him can be very overwhelming unless he's a tech kind of guy.

If the anxiety of saying vows in front of everyone is too much, the best option for the ceremony may be you have a completely private ceremony earlier in the day (etiquette dictates that everyone be invited to both, but there is wiggle room if you keep this PRIVATE, meaning parents/GP/siblings & immediate SO & kids only/WP/officiant) then everyone's invited to the reception that evening.  People will be disappointed if they're only invited to the reception, but if they know FI's anxiety, they'll understand.  But, you need to decide this with your FI.  Living with someone who has that level of anxiety isn't easy, you need to know when to push and when to accept that you need to back off. 

The next red flag - family as vendors/working your wedding instead of enjoying it. You mentioned your aunt handling the food.  Unless she's a caterer by trade, I'd suggest you think twice about making her work your wedding.  Hopefully it's something SHE volunteered herself for and not something you VolunTOLD her she is doing (even if she's a pro, she may just want to go and enjoy your reception)..  Also, depending on her status of licensed or not she may or may not be able to do the food anyway. 

The wedding website was something he actually asked me if he could do. And, since he also loves cooking and food in general, I asked him if he wanted to work on the menu and he said he'd love to, so the things I gave him to work on were things he wanted to do anyway. 

I've talked to him some about vows and he seems pretty sure he wants to write and read his own for the ceremony, he's just nervous about it, the same way a lot of people are nervous about speaking in front of a lot of people. I'll talk about this more with him and see if there's anything he'd like to change about reading vows.

My aunt is indeed a caterer, and she did volunteer to do the food. Many members of my family have volunteered to do a lot of things for our wedding. It's just because my family is very into weddings and they really enjoy planning them and doing things for them. Trust me, I haven't voluntold anyone to do anything. This is all them wanting to be helpful. It's actually a pretty common practice in my family. My mom didn't have any outside vendors at her wedding, and at my cousin's recent wedding, her mother made most of the decorations and one of her close friends was her wedding planner. It's just what my family does. They really firmly believe weddings are family affairs and like to keep as much of the work in the family as possible.

MrsRizzo1031

spockforprez said:

When you say "reading vows," keep in minds there are a lot of different options for vows. I know all the wedding TV shows have personalized, "love letter" style vows now, but that is absolutely not necessary. You can have anything you want from simply saying "I do" a couple times to doing the repeat-style vows where you simply follow the officiant.

FH and I will exchange mushy, private vows during our first look, with no one else there. There are things I want to promise him I don't think guests need to hear, and it will make me feel more comfortable as I know I will be bawling my eyes out. In our ceremony, we will do more traditional vows (although tbh I'll probably still bawl my eyes out, dammit).

The ceremony is the one place where (other than the legal minimums) ONLY your and your FH's opinion matters. Tailor it to you two, and that will probably take a lot of anxiety off.

Also, you can kill some of the spotlight stuff. Don't have a first dance, or have maybe 30 seconds before inviting others to dance with you. Don't worry about "being announced" into the reception. Almost anything that you or he is uncomfortable with can be nixed!

He definitely wants a first dance. I asked him about this a while back and he said he definitely wanted one and he even told me, without me needing to ask, that he wanted to take dance lessons so we wouldn't look goofy and uncoordinated during our first dance.

Something I mentioned to him recently that he really liked the idea of was for us to have somebody get us a couple of plates of food right after the ceremony and sit down and eat by ourselves before we went out into the fray of the reception, also solving the common issue of couples not getting a chance to eat at their reception until much later. He's told me that when he gets super nervous or overwhelmed, he feels a lot better if we just sit down and have a few minutes of quiet to ourselves, so I think having a first look, and doing a quiet dinner alone, and maybe throwing in a few more breaks in between where it's just me and him will help him a lot. 

CMGragain

MrsRizzo1031 said:

spockforprez said:

When you say "reading vows," keep in minds there are a lot of different options for vows. I know all the wedding TV shows have personalized, "love letter" style vows now, but that is absolutely not necessary. You can have anything you want from simply saying "I do" a couple times to doing the repeat-style vows where you simply follow the officiant.

FH and I will exchange mushy, private vows during our first look, with no one else there. There are things I want to promise him I don't think guests need to hear, and it will make me feel more comfortable as I know I will be bawling my eyes out. In our ceremony, we will do more traditional vows (although tbh I'll probably still bawl my eyes out, dammit).

The ceremony is the one place where (other than the legal minimums) ONLY your and your FH's opinion matters. Tailor it to you two, and that will probably take a lot of anxiety off.

Also, you can kill some of the spotlight stuff. Don't have a first dance, or have maybe 30 seconds before inviting others to dance with you. Don't worry about "being announced" into the reception. Almost anything that you or he is uncomfortable with can be nixed!

He definitely wants a first dance. I asked him about this a while back and he said he definitely wanted one and he even told me, without me needing to ask, that he wanted to take dance lessons so we wouldn't look goofy and uncoordinated during our first dance.

Something I mentioned to him recently that he really liked the idea of was for us to have somebody get us a couple of plates of food right after the ceremony and sit down and eat by ourselves before we went out into the fray of the reception, also solving the common issue of couples not getting a chance to eat at their reception until much later. He's told me that when he gets super nervous or overwhelmed, he feels a lot better if we just sit down and have a few minutes of quiet to ourselves, so I think having a first look, and doing a quiet dinner alone, and maybe throwing in a few more breaks in between where it's just me and him will help him a lot. 

Other than a quick snack, this is probably not a good idea.  Having a dinner by yourselves means that your guests will be waiting too long at your reception.  This would be very rude...and remember your makeup!
Your ceremony focuses on the two of you.  The reception is for your GUESTS, not for you.  Sit down and eat with everyone else.
My daughter had 135 guests at her wedding.  Immediately after the ceremony and recessional, she greeted her guests in a formal receiving line.  It took about 20 minutes.  When she entered the reception, they had a quick dance, she danced with Dad, and it was time to eat!  After dinner she chatted with her friends and relatives, and other people danced..

justsie

I have had a friend do a dinner just for two while everyone was doing cocktail hour. The guests were hosted and they had private time together. Of course this meant less time for pictures during that time, but I thought it was cute.

*Barbie*

We had a buffet and 110ish guests. They served salads to everyone, and then had the head table go up to the buffet first. We ate while everyone was getting their food, and then made the rounds as others were eating. It worked out well - we got to eat and still had the opportunity to say hi and thank our guests for coming. 

ETA: actually, now that i'm thinking about it, they served H and I at the table (we told them what we wanted) and the rest of the bridal party went up to the buffet.