Inviting cousins...

Knottie1445274190

I know it is improper to “pick and choose” from families but most of my cousins are 15+ years older than me, most I have not spoken with in years, many are on their second marriages with even more children than before, and I have never been close to them.

There are a few cousins, of course, whom I had planned to invite. I did not want to offend my family but if I invite all of my cousins and their children we will be WAY over our headcount. Another issue is that I cannot picture many of them coming, but I do not want to over-invite too many people and then be sorry later!

lightningsnow

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1445274190 said:

I know it is improper to “pick and choose” from families but most of my cousins are 15+ years older than me, most I have not spoken with in years, many are on their second marriages with even more children than before, and I have never been close to them.

There are a few cousins, of course, whom I had planned to invite. I did not want to offend my family but if I invite all of my cousins and their children we will be WAY over our headcount. Another issue is that I cannot picture many of them coming, but I do not want to over-invite too many people and then be sorry later!

You certainly do not need to invite all your cousins but if your parents are contributing and their money comes with those strings, keep that in mind. You can certainly invite in circles and only invite those close to you.

And I ditto @holyguacamole79 in that if it's their second or third or whatever marriage, it doesn't matter.

I read the second marriage thing more as anxiety over even more adults and children the OP doesn't know/can't fit. Agreed that it shouldn't make a but of difference, but I can understand the anxiety. That said, maybe you could invite the cousins but not their children? That may alleviate the problem. Though I agree with PPs that an invite (with or without kids) is not necessary for people you have not kept in contact with.

If she isn't close to them, she doesn't have to invite them unless the parents pull the funding if they are contributing and want them invited.

CMGragain

Knottie1445274190 said:

I know it is improper to “pick and choose” from families but most of my cousins are 15+ years older than me, most I have not spoken with in years, many are on their second marriages with even more children than before, and I have never been close to them.

There are a few cousins, of course, whom I had planned to invite. I did not want to offend my family but if I invite all of my cousins and their children we will be WAY over our headcount. Another issue is that I cannot picture many of them coming, but I do not want to over-invite too many people and then be sorry later!

You do not have to invite everyone from the family.  It is not improper to "pick and choose" amongst your cousins, as long as you invite their spouse/FI/SO.  Invite whom you want to invite.  Do not invite more people than you are prepared to host, though.  This is a recipe for disaster.

levioosa

Knottie1445274190 said:

I know it is improper to “pick and choose” from families but most of my cousins are 15+ years older than me, most I have not spoken with in years, many are on their second marriages with even more children than before, and I have never been close to them.

There are a few cousins, of course, whom I had planned to invite. I did not want to offend my family but if I invite all of my cousins and their children we will be WAY over our headcount. Another issue is that I cannot picture many of them coming, but I do not want to over-invite too many people and then be sorry later!

Absolutely do not invite over your venue max (and remember to count yourself and your vendors in that number).  It is okay to only invite people you keep in contact with (plus any SO's)

holyguacamole79

Knottie1445274190 said:

I know it is improper to “pick and choose” from families but most of my cousins are 15+ years older than me, most I have not spoken with in years, many are on their second marriages with even more children than before, and I have never been close to them.

There are a few cousins, of course, whom I had planned to invite. I did not want to offend my family but if I invite all of my cousins and their children we will be WAY over our headcount. Another issue is that I cannot picture many of them coming, but I do not want to over-invite too many people and then be sorry later!

What does this have to do with it?!?!?

ETA: Invite in circles.  And keep in mind that if either of your parents are contributing to your wedding financially, they have a say in the guest list.

lightningsnow

Knottie1445274190 said:

I know it is improper to “pick and choose” from families but most of my cousins are 15+ years older than me, most I have not spoken with in years, many are on their second marriages with even more children than before, and I have never been close to them.

There are a few cousins, of course, whom I had planned to invite. I did not want to offend my family but if I invite all of my cousins and their children we will be WAY over our headcount. Another issue is that I cannot picture many of them coming, but I do not want to over-invite too many people and then be sorry later!

You certainly do not need to invite all your cousins but if your parents are contributing and their money comes with those strings, keep that in mind. You can certainly invite in circles and only invite those close to you.

And I ditto @holyguacamole79 in that if it's their second or third or whatever marriage, it doesn't matter.

JediElizabeth

lightningsnow said:

Knottie1445274190 said:

I know it is improper to “pick and choose” from families but
most of my cousins are 15+ years older than me, most I have not spoken with in years,
many are on their second marriages with even more children than before, and I
have never been close to them.

There are a few cousins, of course, whom I had planned to invite.
I did not want to offend my family but if I invite all of my cousins and their
children we will be WAY over our headcount. Another issue is that I cannot
picture many of them coming, but I do not want to over-invite too many people
and then be sorry later!

You certainly do not need to invite all your cousins but if your parents are contributing and their money comes with those strings, keep that in mind. You can certainly invite in circles and only invite those close to you.

And I ditto @holyguacamole79 in that if it's their second or third or whatever marriage, it doesn't matter.

I read the second marriage thing more as anxiety over even more adults and children the OP doesn't know/can't fit. Agreed that it shouldn't make a but of difference, but I can understand the anxiety.

That said, maybe you could invite the cousins but not their children? That may alleviate the problem. Though I agree with PPs that an invite (with or without kids) is not necessary for people you have not kept in contact with.

holyguacamole79

JediElizabeth said:

I read the second marriage thing more as anxiety over even more adults and children the OP doesn't know/can't fit. Agreed that it shouldn't make a but of difference, but I can understand the anxiety. That said, maybe you could invite the cousins but not their children? That may alleviate the problem. Though I agree with PPs that an invite (with or without kids) is not necessary for people you have not kept in contact with.

If my cousin Sue used to be married to Frank, got a divorce, and is now married to Bob ... she is still inviting 2 people.  Now it's Bob and not Frank.   

thisismynickname2

In addition to the above sage advice---

It's totally ok to not invite all your cousins especially if you don't really know them. Your parents may have other ideas if they're contributing financially. 

My in-laws have a very large extended family and contributed a generous chunk of change to our budget. DH expressed to his mom that we wanted a small, intimate wedding (and DH doesn't even like most of his family to boot, so...) They agreed to invite only the family that his mom was actually close to, and not rounds of second and third cousins they see once every few years. It worked out well. 

Knottie1445274190

The tidbit about second marriages was followed with mention that their families have grown significantly because of it, which adds to the big headcount issue.

I know I'm being pouty but when they were married many years ago, they did not have to worry about inviting me, my spouse, children, and stepchildren!

lightningsnow

Knottie1445274190 said:

The tidbit about second marriages was followed with mention that their families have grown significantly because of it, which adds to the big headcount issue.

I know I'm being pouty but when they were married many years ago, they did not have to worry about inviting me, my spouse, children, and stepchildren!

I can see that. It came off a bit judgy to me but that's just me. You also don't need to invite children if you don't want to or only keep it to children you are close to.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1445274190 said:

The tidbit about second marriages was followed with mention that their families have grown significantly because of it, which adds to the big headcount issue.

I know I'm being pouty but when they were married many years ago, they did not have to worry about inviting me, my spouse, children, and stepchildren!

Then just invite the parents.

JediElizabeth

holyguacamole79 said:

JediElizabeth said:

I read the second marriage thing more as anxiety over even more adults and children the OP doesn't know/can't fit. Agreed that it shouldn't make a but of difference, but I can understand the anxiety.

That said, maybe you could invite the cousins but not their children? That may alleviate the problem. Though I agree with PPs that an invite (with or without kids) is not necessary for people you have not kept in contact with.

If my cousin Sue used to be married to Frank, got a divorce, and is now married to Bob ... she is still inviting 2 people.  Now it's Bob and not Frank.   

But you may know Frank but not Bob. It's not a count thing at that point, but there's still some anxiety in having more strangers at your wedding, at least in my opinion. Yes, they should be invited, but that doesn't mean it doesn't add to stress.

(Full disclosure: I see things like this through a lens of social anxiety, so I have more empathy for & expectation of that kind of situation.)

holyguacamole79

JediElizabeth said:

JediElizabeth said:

I read the second marriage thing more as anxiety over even more adults and children the OP doesn't know/can't fit. Agreed that it shouldn't make a but of difference, but I can understand the anxiety. That said, maybe you could invite the cousins but not their children? That may alleviate the problem. Though I agree with PPs that an invite (with or without kids) is not necessary for people you have not kept in contact with.

If my cousin Sue used to be married to Frank, got a divorce, and is now married to Bob ... she is still inviting 2 people.  Now it's Bob and not Frank.   

But you may know Frank but not Bob. It's not a count thing at that point, but there's still some anxiety in having more strangers at your wedding, at least in my opinion. Yes, they should be invited, but that doesn't mean it doesn't add to stress. (Full disclosure: I see things like this through a lens of social anxiety, so I have more empathy for & expectation of that kind of situation.)

But OP said nothing about social anxiety; she seems to be concerned with volume.  

Knottie1445274190

It's not really a matter of if I don't know their spouse or children. My main concern is I don't know my cousins and they are not an active part of my life.The families just add to the headcount headache because I would have to invite so many more than we can.

My parents feel awkward about it too. They have not insisted I must invite certain cousins.

Knottie1445274190

Thank you for the input ladies!

arrrghmatey

Knottie1445274190 said:

It's not really a matter of if I don't know their spouse or children. My main concern is I don't know my cousins and they are not an active part of my life.The families just add to the headcount headache because I would have to invite so many more than we can.

My parents feel awkward about it too. They have not insisted I must invite certain cousins.

OP, I feel you. I have a big extended family (aunts. uncles, cousins, cousins' spouses, cousins' children, nieces, nephews) because I'm one of the last people on my side of the family to get married. I invited only the cousins with whom I've had a relationship with and their spouses. Not all of my cousins got an invite (the ones I've never met didn't get one), and we didn't invite any of my cousins' kids, because it would have added another 20+ guests.

So if you and your FI are paying, invite who you want. Invite the cousins you are close to. Don't feel obligated to invite their children. And definitely do NOT go above your max capacity guest count.

SP29

You absolutely can pick and choose! As long as every adult guest is invited with their SO, and if inviting children you do not split up families, invite whom you'd like to see there because you want them there, not because you feel you have to or because "they're family!".

I would only invite the cousins you are close with. If you feel the need to expand that a bit, you can invite the adults only and not the children (even if you are inviting other children).

Do not over invite guests under the assumption that some won't come, because you never know!!

[Deleted User]

SP29 said:

You absolutely can pick and choose! As long as every adult guest is invited with their SO, and if inviting children you do not split up families, invite whom you'd like to see there because you want them there, not because you feel you have to or because "they're family!".

I would only invite the cousins you are close with. If you feel the need to expand that a bit, you can invite the adults only and not the children (even if you are inviting other children).

Do not over invite guests under the assumption that some won't come, because you never know!!

I'm under the firm belief that there is a difference between "Family" and "Relatives."  If you don't know them, don't like them, but happen to share a common ancestor, they're merely Relatives.  I think you should stick to only inviting Family whether they share a common ancestor or are the neighbor you go to when you're sad and need to talk over a cup of tea.  Not all relatives are family and not all family are related.

Knottie1447816756

I'm not inviting any cousins, except for the one who I used to have as a roommate and will be doing my hair and makeup. I just can't afford it.

Yes, I've been to pretty much every one of theirs when I was a kid, but I didn't have a choice in the matter. The majority of my cousin's weddings weren't paid for by themselves, if any of them. They were all big family kid-friendly affairs.

I wish I could invite more but unless money falls into my lap i just can't do it.

SP29

@adk19 I like that distinction. And I very much agree with you. Friends can be more family to you than relatives. Invite the people who are important to you in your life. 

huskypuppy14

Knottie1445274190 said:

It's not really a matter of if I don't know their spouse or children. My main concern is I don't know my cousins and they are not an active part of my life.The families just add to the headcount headache because I would have to invite so many more than we can.

My parents feel awkward about it too. They have not insisted I must invite certain cousins.

Then don't invite them. I only invited one cousin on my dad's side (and her husband of course). You can pick and choose whoever you want. As long as you invite their SO. You don't have to invite the children of your cousins either. 

SquirttheTurtle

I am having this exact same dilemma (except with my FI family).  I am incredibly close with my family; aunts, uncles, cousins, etc and my FI is not with his.  He did not want to invite many of his cousins, mainly because he hasn't seen or spoke to them in 10+ years (not even via social media).  His dad doesn't talk to his family but my FI's mom (my future MIL) is adamant about inviting these people...most of whom she doesn't see or speak to either.  My future in laws are not contributing financially to our wedding and I feel that since they are not, they shouldn't get to be so pushy about our guest list.  My FI agrees with me, but doesn't feel that the fight is worth it and we will most likely end up inviting 20 people that we don't want there...and after our wedding, will never see again.