Boyfriend hints about marriage.... but

Knottie1445470875

Hi... I'm reaching out for some thoughts and advice on...
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now. I'm 32 and he is 37. Ever since we met he has never wanted to hold hands, hug, cuddle or even kiss much. The only time he is real touchy, feely is when he want to be sexual. I feel used at times because even after we are sexual he had no interest in being close.
I've talked to him about it and how it makes me feel. He has said he will try to do better. There hasn't been a very big change. He hints about us getting married and staying together forever. I'm just not feeling it...
He is a caring and overall good person and treats me good. Its like he never thinks of being intimate unless he is ready for something sexual.

Any thoughts?? How would you move forward or should I date more to see if I find someone better? I've dated a lot and want to settled down but I seem to always find something that keeps me from marriage.

jenjen047

If you are having these thoughts I would discuss them open and honestly with BF. Make it clear to him that the intimacy issue is very important to you and something he needs to address. Maybe suggest counseling to get to the root of why he is like that.

Or you are 100% entitled to just end the relationship and date someone new. Aside from this issue do you think this is someone you could marry?

Swazzle

Knottie1445470875 said:

Hi... I'm reaching out for some thoughts and advice on... I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now. I'm 32 and he is 37. Ever since we met he has never wanted to hold hands, hug, cuddle or even kiss much. The only time he is real touchy, feely is when he want to be sexual. I feel used at times because even after we are sexual he had no interest in being close. I've talked to him about it and how it makes me feel. He has said he will try to do better. There hasn't been a very big change. He hints about us getting married and staying together forever. I'm just not feeling it... He is a caring and overall good person and treats me good. Its like he never thinks of being intimate unless he is ready for something sexual. Any thoughts?? How would you move forward or should I date more to see if I find someone better? I've dated a lot and want to settled down but I seem to always find something that keeps me from marriage.

If you've tried to talk to him about your feelings on this before and he said he'd work on it but nothing changed at all then you need to decide whether that's something you can live with. Marriage doesn't change someone into the person you want them to be. 

It sounds like you're pretty lukewarm about this relationship and your BF. My honest advice is don't settle which is what it seems like you'd be doing if you agreed to marry him. 

labro

I agree with everything @Swazzle said. Plus, it's just a big red flag to me that you desire physical intimacy outside of just sexual intimacy, and even though you've discussed your needs, he hasn't really changed his actions much. These kinds of things aren't going to just get better on their own, and certainly not with marriage.

I think regardless of where you decide to go with this relationship, you should definitely consider reading "The 5 Love Languages". It'll help you better define what YOUR needs are in a relationship - what makes you feel loved, and give you some tips on how to better communicate your love needs to your current or any future SO.

jenna8984

Knottie1445470875 said:

How would you move forward or should I date more to see if I find someone better? I've dated a lot and want to settled down but I seem to always find something that keeps me from marriage.

This sentence alone is the nail in the coffin for me. I knew I wanted to marry my husband a million percent. I never would have wanted to look for "someone better". If you feel there is someone better out there, you need to move on.

And to your closing sentence: marriage isn't just something you do because you reach a certain age or stage, it's something you do because you have found the one person you can't live without.

wink0erin

jenna8984 said:

Knottie1445470875 said:

How would you move forward or should I date more to see if I find someone better? I've dated a lot and want to settled down but I seem to always find something that keeps me from marriage.

This sentence alone is the nail in the coffin for me. I knew I wanted to marry my husband a million percent. I never would have wanted to look for "someone better". If you feel there is someone better out there, you need to move on.

And to your closing sentence: marriage isn't just something you do because you reach a certain age or stage, it's something you do because you have found the one person you can't live without.

I love what @jenna8984 says here. It's true, please do not settle.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do (or did do)... if after discussing he still isn't making changes, and keeping those changes, get out. My ex was similar, and it led to resentment from me, and me also closing off physically because any time he so much as hugged me he would make a comment. I felt like a hunk of meat, and this is someone I truly thought I would marry. I am SO GLAD I got out (other reasons too).

 

But this is up to you.

helloliv

jenna8984 said:

Knottie1445470875 said:

How would you move forward or should I date more to see if I find someone better? I've dated a lot and want to settled down but I seem to always find something that keeps me from marriage.

This sentence alone is the nail in the coffin for me. I knew I wanted to marry my husband a million percent. I never would have wanted to look for "someone better". If you feel there is someone better out there, you need to move on.

And to your closing sentence: marriage isn't just something you do because you reach a certain age or stage, it's something you do because you have found the one person you can't live without.

All of this. It sounds like you know this isn't the right relationship for you.

500days

I agree with PP, sounds like you are all set and are thinking about moving on. I would not ignore your gut on this one. It's totally okay to end a relationship that isn't going anywhere for you. It's great that you can communicate with him, but if there is only talk and no follow through then I would be upset too.

arrrghmatey

Your boyfriend sounds exactly like my ex-boyfriend from several years ago. Never wanted to hold hands, never kissed me in public, never affectionate. Except when it came time for bed and HE wanted something. But if it was a night where *I* wanted something, he was always "too tired." I felt like nothing but a sexual object for him when it was convenient for him.

If he is 37 and says he is going to try and do better, but still doesn't, well…he's not going to change his ways now. He is 37. Treating you 'good' is not the same as treating you as his significant other. I have friends who treat me 'good.' Your partner needs to LOVE you.

If you're asking yourself if you should move onto something better, I think you already know your answer. My personal opinion, having been with someone similar (except for 2+ years, way too long), is to not waste anymore time and to venture on to something better. Because that's what I found, and I'm marrying him next week.