Wedding Party

No wedding party = no wedding shower?

edited November 2015 in Wedding Party
Hi all,

My Fiance doesn't want to have a wedding party. He was married before, bride's family spent way too much on their wedding and she cheated on him, she's an ugly, ugly person.

 I'm ok with this. Focus on us. We have lots of friends, most of mine are far away, his brother across the country. We don't want to pick and choose and leave anyone out and we are paying for everything ourselves anyway, so we want to keep costs down and just focus on us and throwing everyone a fun party.

He has a small family, none local. My parents are divorced, mom has no money, dad just retired down south.

We have some local friends and family but since no wedding party or parents with money or wedding planner, does this mean we won't have a wedding shower? So like no reason to make a registry?
It kinda sucks. Sorry I'm having a pity party.

And I don't want anyone to have to rent a hall or buy food for everyone, I don't want much. Even BBQ, a couple bottles of wine or pizza in a backyard. I don't know, my mom isn't much support. His mom and mother in law are amazing and giving and would do it in a heart beat if they lived in our state.

Anyone have advice or deal with something similar? 
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Re: No wedding party = no wedding shower?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    The one rule about showers is that they must be hosted by someone other than the honorees (and according to strict etiquette, close relatives like parents or parents-in-law). But there is no requirement that wedding showers only be held when there is a wedding party. As long as you don't do it yourselves, I think it's okay for anyone else to host one for you.
  • I did not have a wedding party.  My Godmother and MIL co-hosted a shower for me. 

    I did not plan my own party.

    If no one offers to throw you a shower, you can not plan your own.  (You should not ask someone to plan one for you either.)

    You can register w/o having a shower; your wedding guests may use that list to purchase you and your fiance a wedding gift.
    southernbelle0915InLoveInQueens
  • You can totally still register if you want (just don't put registry info in the invites!). Some people coming to your wedding might want to buy you a gift and having a registry will give them an idea of what you'll like.

    Also, is having no wedding party something YOU want, or just your FI? You can have people stand on your side even if he doesn't want anyone on his. Sides don't need to be even.

    Anyone can offer to throw you a shower. Bridal party is not obligated. So odds of your having a shower now are the same as they'd be even if you had a bridal party. Honestly, since you say you have little family and few friends in town, and no one with money to burn, logistically a shower might be tricky regardless.


    Now, you are welcome to throw a party with pizza or BBQ and wine and invite whomever you want, if you just want to hang with friends. But don't call it a shower and make it in no way related to your wedding.
    MesmrEweryanandjoe4short+sassy
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago
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    Anyone can throw you a wedding shower, but they need to offer it. And you can still register even if you don't have a shower. But please don't list your registries on your wedding invite.

    Andplusalso, just because your Fi doesn't want a wedding party, doesn't mean that you cant have one. H picks who stands up on his side (he chose no one) and you can pick who stands up on your side.

    And I really don't see how your Fi's ex cheating on him has anything to do with your wedding or wedding party.


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    ShesSoColdsouthernbelle0915
  • You can absolutely register. Most of the weddings FI and I have attended lately have been his friends/family members.  We aren't typically invited to a shower, but we always give something off of the registry.

    Logistically, you probably will not have a traditional shower.  You can't rule out random showers/sprinkles. It may not be a traditional shower, but it may be something.  I've seen everything from neighbors, colleagues, sororities all host some level of a shower. 

    My current department does a "celebration lunch" for either the bride or mom-to-be about 2 weeks before the event/birth.  We even did it for someone on her 4th wedding.  We go in together (about 25 of us) and do our best to complete the registry.  For my former employer, we used to do showers all the time for the brides and moms-to-be.  It was never a full blow-out shower, just several departments coming together to share in the excitement. It was always a "surprise," although everyone knew it was coming. For the bridal showers, everyone participated with no expectation of being invited to the wedding.  We just wanted to help one of our own get started.
  • Thanks everyone. 

    Definitely would never ask anyone nor would I throw my own.

    I'm ok without having a wedding party. He would only want his brother if he had one, and I would prefer to not have the stress of picking and choosing and hurting anyone I'd left out. If I had a sister then I would easily choose her. It's fine with me. It;s cost effective.

    One of my best friend's mother reached out to me to design her shower invites. It was cute, low key pig roast in their yard. 

    My family is just not really there for me. I got a card from My finance's mother and one from his mother in law. Nothing from my side of the family. There's no bad feelings or tenseness, I guess everyone in my family got married in their early 20s and I'm in my early 30's they assume I don't want or need any help. That's fine. But would be nice to have someone reach out. My mom "You're an adult, you don't need your daddy to walk you down the aisle" True.. but ouch.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    Registries are not just for showers.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    MesmrEweJen4948
  • I agree w/ PPs.

    Sorry, I'm just confused. When you say "his mother in law," wouldn't that be your mother?

    JediElizabeth
  •    
    missa011 said:

    I agree w/ PPs.

    Sorry, I'm just confused. When you say "his mother in law," wouldn't that be your mother?

    I was thinking the same thing. Would that be his ex-MIL from his first marriage?
  • Sorry! Meant step-mom!

    These are both terms I'm not quite used to!!
       
    missa011 said:

    I agree w/ PPs.

    Sorry, I'm just confused. When you say "his mother in law," wouldn't that be your mother?

    I was thinking the same thing. Would that be his ex-MIL from his first marriage?

    spockforprez
  • Yes - register at a few locations HOWEVER, do not put the little cards they give you or list anywhere that you're registered.  The only place where it's ok.. to is in a shower invite, and anyone can throw you a shower, one of ours was a work shower, per etiquette for the business, but this is not something that you plan. 

    As for a WP, that is something for the two of you to decide.  Many states require at least one or two witnesses for the marriage license.  Find out what your state requires and go from there.

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  • I wouldn't stress to much, my MIL threw my shower with my MOH, and not much of my family showed, mostly his.. It may work out, but it is not a necessity to have a WP, or a shower..


    JackAttak said:
    Hi all,

    My Fiance doesn't want to have a wedding party. He was married before, bride's family spent way too much on their wedding and she cheated on him, she's an ugly, ugly person.


    This is not a reason to not have someone to stand with you, and if you have one or two people stand with you, and get them simple, but thoughtful gifts then it shouldn't be a cost issue, he can not decide who you have standing up with you, just like you can not decide who is standing with him. there are plenty of other ways to save cost.
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  • edited November 2015
    I may ask my sister in law - if he would like his brother up there.

    That's fine with me and no hurt feelings from friends or responsibilities put on her as she has 3 young children. I just don't want to pressure her so she feels like she has to plan anything, unless she wants to on her own of course. She is a very busy young mom and her kids will be the only children there, and as flower girl and ring bearer anyway.

    I would more or less want to ask just as a gesture and not as a responsibility. She is closest I have to sister.
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona
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    MesmrEwe said:

    Yes - register at a few locations HOWEVER, do not put the little cards they give you or list anywhere that you're registered.  The only place where it's ok.. to is in a shower invite, and anyone can throw you a shower, one of ours was a work shower, per etiquette for the business, but this is not something that you plan. 

    As for a WP, that is something for the two of you to decide.  Many states require at least one or two witnesses for the marriage license.  Find out what your state requires and go from there.

    Witnesses to sign the license don't necessarily have to be members of a wedding party.  We had 2 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids at our wedding, but we asked both of our mothers to sign as witnesses, instead of our best man & maid of honor.  We thought it would be an awesome and meaningful way for them to be involved and show their support and it meant so much to us to have their names on there as witnesses.

    image 

    lc07
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona
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    JackAttak said:
    I may ask my sister in law - if he would like his brother up there.

    That's fine with me and no hurt feelings from friends or responsibilities put on her as she has 3 young children. I just don't want to pressure her so she feels like she has to plan anything, unless she wants to on her own of course. She is a very busy young mom and her kids will be the only children there, and as flower girl and ring bearer anyway.

    I would more or less want to ask just as a gesture and not as a responsibility. She is closest I have to sister.
    Don't ask sister-in-law just to have someone to throw you a shower.  Wedding party is not required to host showers or any events.  Those are optional and can be thrown by anyone.  Maybe his mother or sister will offer to throw you a shower, maybe they won't.  My aunt offered to throw me a shower.  My mother-in-law also offered.  I turned both of them down, as I we didn't invite many people from where we live to our wedding, so there weren't really enough people to justify a shower here. 

    Definitely still do a registry.  People still will use it for buying wedding gifts or to send you gifts, even if you don't have a shower.

    image 

  • No- I'm just saying I may ask just to have her stand up there with me, and help the kids as they go up the aisle, hold bouquet. And no titles needed. Probably wouldn't call her MOH. Would only ask her to stand up there if she wanted to , and probably closer to the wedding and only if he wants his brother.

    We will probably prefer to have no one though!
  • ryanandjoe4ryanandjoe4
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    edited November 2015
    JackAttak said:
    No- I'm just saying I may ask just to have her stand up there with me, and help the kids as they go up the aisle, hold bouquet. And no titles needed. Probably wouldn't call her MOH. Would only ask her to stand up there if she wanted to , and probably closer to the wedding and only if he wants his brother.

    We will probably prefer to have no one though!
    so you want her to be the babysitter/work your ceremony, then not honor her in anyway? unless she wants to be honored? how weird.. she will not tell you she wants to be a BM it is your job to ask.. if you want her to be one then ask if not then don't.. Even sides do not matter at all, so if he has none and you have one no biggie.. Also a BM is not to work your wedding in any way, they are there to be honored and all they have to do is show up dressed for the occasion, mostly sober.
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    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • I guess I'm the odd person out on this one.... 

    Why not throw yourself a wedding shower? If you do it in a way that is to celebrate your upcoming wedding and not a ploy for gifts, I think that's perfectly acceptable. From what I've seen and heard, people love weddings and love to celebrate everything about them! Why limit your celebrations because someone else won't throw you a party? That seems silly to me!
  • I guess I'm the odd person out on this one.... 

    Why not throw yourself a wedding shower? If you do it in a way that is to celebrate your upcoming wedding and not a ploy for gifts, I think that's perfectly acceptable. From what I've seen and heard, people love weddings and love to celebrate everything about them! Why limit your celebrations because someone else won't throw you a party? That seems silly to me!
    The whole purpose of a shower is to give gifts to the bride.  It is intended solely as a gift giving event.  There is no way to throw yourself a gift-giving party without it seeming like a ploy for gifts.  


    Here I was thinking that a wedding shower is supposed to be about showing your support for the bride and groom. If someone's way of doing that is by giving them presents - cool! If it means that you show up with a smile and a snack to nibble on - that's cool too. 

    I know most people view a wedding as a time to get lots of gifts from people, but I don't. I view it as a time for my family and my fiance's family to get together, bond, and support one another.
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona
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    I guess I'm the odd person out on this one.... 

    Why not throw yourself a wedding shower? If you do it in a way that is to celebrate your upcoming wedding and not a ploy for gifts, I think that's perfectly acceptable. From what I've seen and heard, people love weddings and love to celebrate everything about them! Why limit your celebrations because someone else won't throw you a party? That seems silly to me!
    The whole purpose of a shower is to give gifts to the bride.  It is intended solely as a gift giving event.  There is no way to throw yourself a gift-giving party without it seeming like a ploy for gifts.  


    Here I was thinking that a wedding shower is supposed to be about showing your support for the bride and groom. If someone's way of doing that is by giving them presents - cool! If it means that you show up with a smile and a snack to nibble on - that's cool too. 

    I know most people view a wedding as a time to get lots of gifts from people, but I don't. I view it as a time for my family and my fiance's family to get together, bond, and support one another.

    The wedding is not intended as a gift giving event.  The wedding is "supposed to be about showing your support for the bride and groom" and celebrating this big event.  That is why it is inappropriate to include gift registry information with wedding invitations, because the wedding isn't supposed to be about gifts.  The showers are thrown as the gift giving event associated with the wedding.

    Yes, people do still tend to give gifts at the wedding also, but that's not the intend of a wedding. And actually, receiving gifts at the wedding is really inconvenient for the bride and groom.  They need to figure out how to keep all the gifts secure, among a large group of people.  They need to figure out how to transport the gifts at the end of the evening, which I'm sure is the last thing they want to think about.  That is why we have showers, to avoid the gift hassle at the wedding. I never bring gifts to the wedding.  I will either provide gifts at the shower or send them to their home.

    image 

    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueenssimcal18PrettyGirlLost
  • I guess I'm the odd person out on this one.... 

    Why not throw yourself a wedding shower? If you do it in a way that is to celebrate your upcoming wedding and not a ploy for gifts, I think that's perfectly acceptable. From what I've seen and heard, people love weddings and love to celebrate everything about them! Why limit your celebrations because someone else won't throw you a party? That seems silly to me!
    Wow!  That is a terrible idea.  If you want to get together with friends, get together with friends.  But you canNOT throw yourself a shower.
  • Wow, this took an awful turn. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
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    edited November 2015
    JackAttak said:
    Wow, this took an awful turn. 
    Yes, throwing yourself (general you) a shower would be awful. 

    ETA missing words.
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    InLoveInQueensHeffalump
  • aurianna said:
    I guess I'm the odd person out on this one.... 

    Why not throw yourself a wedding shower? If you do it in a way that is to celebrate your upcoming wedding and not a ploy for gifts, I think that's perfectly acceptable. From what I've seen and heard, people love weddings and love to celebrate everything about them! Why limit your celebrations because someone else won't throw you a party? That seems silly to me!
    The whole purpose of a shower is to give gifts to the bride.  It is intended solely as a gift giving event.  There is no way to throw yourself a gift-giving party without it seeming like a ploy for gifts.  


    Here I was thinking that a wedding shower is supposed to be about showing your support for the bride and groom. If someone's way of doing that is by giving them presents - cool! If it means that you show up with a smile and a snack to nibble on - that's cool too. 

    I know most people view a wedding as a time to get lots of gifts from people, but I don't. I view it as a time for my family and my fiance's family to get together, bond, and support one another.

    There are occasions where it's ok to throw yourself a party where you'll be the guest of honor and showered with presents...  those occasions just happen to be children's birthday parties and not wedding showers.

    Showers are gift giving events. It's right in the name. People shower the guest of honor with gifts.

    Throwing your own shower = hosting your own "bring me gifts and attention" party = juvenile behavior.

    The wedding is different. The point of the wedding is not presents. It's about sharing the start of a couple's marriage with their nearest and dearest. Gifts are not required and this is why it's ok for the couple to throw the wedding themselves.


    As far as people "loving weddings" and throwing a shower for oneself somehow being a favor to guests... it's really not. Some people really do love weddings and showers and everything wedding related. But a lot of people really just go to things like wedding showers and engagement parties as a courtesy.
    I've personally been to very few showers where there weren't a dozen of other things I'd rather be doing. I go if I can because I do want to be supportive... but I know I'd feel much less supportive and generous if I knew the party was being thrown by the bride herself. I am definitely not alone in this. Many guests feel this way but just won't say anything to the bride's face.
    So throwing your own shower likely puts a lot of guests in an uncomfortable situation. Just don't do it.
    aurianna Completely agree that throwing your own shower is awful..

    Even your example of an acceptable time is not the guest of honor throwing the party, it would be the parents of the child, so Technically still not thrown for them self.. 
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    InLoveInQueens
  • Go ahead and register, people can use it for your wedding. And whose to say that your co-workers or other friends won't surprise you with a shower.
    weddingcactus
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