Moms and Maids

Bridesmaid help!

So my wedding is coming up next summer, and I have 1 MOH and 1 BM. My fiance only has a Best Man. He is very introverted and shy and prefers to be alone. He doesn't want a Groomsman. (This doesn't actually matter, but I wanted to state this now in case someone asks.)

At the time when I was planning my guestlist, I had invited a co-worker to be my BM. She said yes. Our relationship was only through work, but we were pretty close (at work). We had only met outside of work once because both of our schedules were so busy, or we just didn't feel like it, etc. She would invite me to go to her house, but I'm not interested in the type of things she was (she's a social butterfly and is kind of a party girl; I'm quiet and would rather read a book); the same goes for the reverse.

Anyway, as of ~3 months ago, I left the company. I no longer see her. In fact, I haven't seen her since my last day at my old job. Likewise, we have sent each other texts during these 3 months approximately 4 times. The communication is non-existent. I attempted to call her once and I left a voicemail, but she never returned the call and has never attempted to call me, as far as I'm aware.

I mailed her a save-the-date, but she hasn't asked anything about BM status. She's also in a rough financial situation and wouldn't be able to afford any dresses, so I would have to take the bill; however, I myself am in a rough patch since I'm putting myself through school currently completely out of pocket.

I'm questioning if (1) we even had a true friendship to begin with, and (2) if I should "kick her out." At this point I don't even think it would phase her. I don't mean that in a mean way, but our relationship has deteriorated to the point where we don't communicate anymore, so...

I just want some feedback from some other brides/BMs here because I keep going between "call her and tell her exactly what's going on and why you cannot have her anymore" and "call her and invite her to get fitted for her dress and get the credit card ready."

Re: Bridesmaid help!

  • So my wedding is coming up next summer, and I have 1 MOH and 1 BM. My fiance only has a Best Man. He is very introverted and shy and prefers to be alone. He doesn't want a Groomsman. (This doesn't actually matter, but I wanted to state this now in case someone asks.)

    At the time when I was planning my guestlist, I had invited a co-worker to be my BM. She said yes. Our relationship was only through work, but we were pretty close (at work). We had only met outside of work once because both of our schedules were so busy, or we just didn't feel like it, etc. She would invite me to go to her house, but I'm not interested in the type of things she was (she's a social butterfly and is kind of a party girl; I'm quiet and would rather read a book); the same goes for the reverse.

    Anyway, as of ~3 months ago, I left the company. I no longer see her. In fact, I haven't seen her since my last day at my old job. Likewise, we have sent each other texts during these 3 months approximately 4 times. The communication is non-existent. I attempted to call her once and I left a voicemail, but she never returned the call and has never attempted to call me, as far as I'm aware.

    I mailed her a save-the-date, but she hasn't asked anything about BM status. She's also in a rough financial situation and wouldn't be able to afford any dresses, so I would have to take the bill; however, I myself am in a rough patch since I'm putting myself through school currently completely out of pocket.

    I'm questioning if (1) we even had a true friendship to begin with, and (2) if I should "kick her out." At this point I don't even think it would phase her. I don't mean that in a mean way, but our relationship has deteriorated to the point where we don't communicate anymore, so...

    I just want some feedback from some other brides/BMs here because I keep going between "call her and tell her exactly what's going on and why you cannot have her anymore" and "call her and invite her to get fitted for her dress and get the credit card ready."
    Asking her to no longer be a bridesmaid is a friendship ending move. In this case, it seems like the friendship has run its course, so under most circumstances, I would say it's probably the best course of action.

    However, would you want this person to be a professional reference for you? Does she work with/talk to people who would be your reference? In that case, I would think it would be a good idea to not cut ties. 

    Maybe text her to ask her about her life, then change the topic to wedding planning to test the waters? I'd be very diplomatic about it, and be prepared for her to tell you she doesn't want to be a BM anymore, or to flake on your if she's not the type who's good at confrontation/honesty. Either way, I don't think you should alienate her first. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, 1) it does sound to me like you never had a true friendship with her outside of work situations. I agree with @JediElizabeth that if there will be no impact on your professional or other future from ending whatever relationship you have with her, you could remove her as a bridesmaid.

    That said, 2) before you do that, you should carefully assess whether or not there will be no impact. I think removing her as a bridesmaid will necessarily involve uninviting her (and her SO, if she has one) as a guest.

    Are you inviting anyone else from your old company? If so, do they know that she was supposed to be your bridesmaid? Is she in a position to cause you or your FI to receive bad references or to lose out on future business opportunities if you do remove her? If she has an SO, could s/he do that to you or your FI? Could you or your FI lose out in non-business situations by removing her?

    If so, then I'd try one more time to contact her without mentioning your wedding and see where that goes, and if it leads to your wedding, you'll have a better sense of whether or not to remove her or keep her in your wedding party.
    VicTim328
  • It sounds like a good opportunity to give her an "easy out" and just ask in a "it's REALLY o.k.!" way.  Yes, pick up the darn phone! 

    While it does sound like the friendship has run its course, and there's a little mourning of the loss that's understandable (we had this happen with some "work friends" that we'd gotten close to outside of work, but when the IL's sold the family business... It was amazing to see the "true colors" of quite a few individuals even though DH was still working with these same people).  There's a reason you asked her to be a BM, so in that respect it's worth picking up the phone and giving her the "easy out choice" because then it's on a mutual level, and you can find out if she's got any interest in attending the wedding even if she chooses not to be a BM.  And I truly mean - pick up the phone, give her another opportunity to call you back if she doesn't answer to discuss "all things wedding asap" and if she doesn't respond within a week or two, assume she's written herself out, and quite honestly, I don't know if I'd even bother to send a wedding invite at that point or not, but since you sent the STD you're obligated to send one (yet another argument for NOT sending STD's!!!!).. 

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