To fret or not to fret?

[Deleted User]

My cousin is getting married a month and a half before me. He got engaged almost a year after I did- due to $$$ my FI and I decided to have a long engagement. My cousin's bride to be has shown very similar taste to mine, eerily similar, like someone is in her ear telling her all of the things I'll be doing at my wedding and she has made similar plans (my aunt is actually famous in the family for being a copy cat). While I understand every wedding is unique in its own way, I am very concerned that my "unique" ideas will be seen at her wedding first and then people coming to mine will think I copied HER. Do I ask the bride nicely if we can talk wedding details to make sure both our days are individually special, or do I suck it up and risk the repeat wedding? I'm just really annoyed because I've spent a lot of time planning things that I've never seen at a wedding before or that weren't cliche and I don't want to scramble 45 days before the wedding to change things.

simcal18

jgrace8611 said:

My cousin is getting married a month and a half before me. He got engaged almost a year after I did- due to $$$ my FI and I decided to have a long engagement. My cousin's bride to be has shown very similar taste to mine, eerily similar, like someone is in her ear telling her all of the things I'll be doing at my wedding and she has made similar plans (my aunt is actually famous in the family for being a copy cat). While I understand every wedding is unique in its own way, I am very concerned that my "unique" ideas will be seen at her wedding first and then people coming to mine will think I copied HER. Do I ask the bride nicely if we can talk wedding details to make sure both our days are individually special, or do I suck it up and risk the repeat wedding? I'm just really annoyed because I've spent a lot of time planning things that I've never seen at a wedding before or that weren't cliche and I don't want to scramble 45 days before the wedding to change things.

You suck it up. News flash: there are very few truly "unique" wedding ideas (at least ones that aren't bad etiquette.) There are thousands and thousands of them each year and only so many options for ceremony, refreshment, and decor. Whatever you think is "unique" about your wedding, I can assure you it's been done before.

What will make your wedding unique (and distinct from your cousin's) is the people getting married and the guests who are there. And those will be unique to your wedding no matter what your cousin does.

If you are truly concerned that your cousin is "stealing" your ideas, stop discussing your details with your cousin and his bride, or anyone else you think might be "whispering in their ear." That way you at least know that if they come up with something similar to your wedding, they did so on their own and not because they heard you were doing it. But seriously, stop worrying about it. Their wedding will be their wedding and yours will be yours, and what will make each of them wonderful and unique will be the people.

MesmrEwe

The only thing you can do is STOP discussing details with them including who you're using as vendors.  I wholeheartedly agree with the PP in that you're both going to have distinctly unique days and rarely is an idea unique when it comes to weddings.  You could talk ahead of time about details and think they're going to be the same only to have two completely different interpretations of the same exact thing - including your menu! 

It'll all work out, relax, don't worry, she's not going to steal your thunder.  Even if you used 100% of the same items I can assure you that it'll come out looking completely different. 

AddieCake

Just stop discussing details and stop worrying about it. It would be wholly inappropriate for you to arrange some sort of sit down with this other bride to make sure your details are different.

6fsn

What you've never seen others probably have.  There are very few unique things out there. 

Just keep moving along with your plans.

*Barbie*

I want to know what "unique" things she seems to be stealing. Don't worry, most of the regs are already married so we won't take your ideas. 

Heffalump

I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around an adult sitting down with another adult for the express purpose of ensuring that their weddings don't have too much in common.

TBH, if I were on the receiving end of that request, I would be very

Jen4948

I wouldn't worry about whether or not your wedding is "unique."  It'll be "unique" just by virtue of who is getting married.

But if you don't want your cousin and his bride to use your ideas, don't discuss them with your cousin and his bride or anyone else who might share that information with them, like your aunt.

frenchiekin

Even if you have a similar color scheme, or are using a couple of the same vendors, or one of the same flowers in your bouquet - your days will look completely different. Not the same people, not the same venue, etc. Try not to get worked up over something you can't control. Like PPs said, there are so few things that are truly unique in weddings. You may not have seen these elements at a wedding before, but some of your guests probably have.

If you can name a few examples, we may be able to reassure you/give you a little bit more perspective!

simcal18

*Barbie* said:

I want to know what "unique" things she seems to be stealing. Don't worry, most of the regs are already married so we won't take your ideas. 

Me too. I had a friend who was whining about how her cousin stole her wedding ideas. The ideas were: wedding in a downtown hotel (not even the same hotel), purple color scheme, and steak and fish as the entreè choices. I'm not making this up. I was flabbergasted.

I say this as someone who tried really hard to have a "unique" wedding. I picked a somewhat unconventional venue and had a few touches that were a bit different and personal to us. But even I acknowledged that there are reasons that certain wedding elements are almost almost the same, and they are the same because they make guests comfortable. People sit on chairs (and not blankets or hay bales or stand) because chairs are what's comfortable. Dinner is usually consists of relatively mildly spiced chicken/fish/beef choices because those are more popular with guests than super spicy duck or something like that. Most weddings go ceremony/cocktail hour/dinner and dancing because that's how the event tends to flow the best. Sure, you can throw some personal touches in here and there, but there are very few things that have NEVER been done before, and if they haven't been done before it's usually with good reason.

short+sassy

Something else to keep in mind is most or none of the guests are going to remember their wedding to such a detail...even only 6 weeks later...to notice that you have the same color scheme or similarly decorated Mason jar centerpieces (made this up).  If they even notice something fairly unusual (though still not unique)...like Teddy Bear bride/groom cake toppers or antique book centerpieces...they'll either think its nice the two couples worked together on their weddings or that this must be one of the latest wedding fads.

Even if a guest here or there sees something and thinks you copied it, is it really that big of a deal?  They probably think its an awesome idea themselves, hence the only reason they noticed that same detail to begin with.

I get it.  It sometimes hard for the bride/groom, who put so much energy into every detail to make a wonderful day, to see out of the tall grass.  But from your guest's POV, they are just focused on celebrating with you on your big day while hanging out with friends/family over a good meal.