September 2016 Weddings

Mother-In-Law Making My Big Day About Her?

We are getting married in September and we are on a limited budget. We were able to find a great all inclusive deal on a Sunday for a price that was in our budget. This includes 6p people, as I wanted it to be small with just close family. When my future mother in law heard of our announcement, she proceeded to invite family that I've never met, and that my fiance hasn't seen in years.


When the topic arose again today, she asked how many people it would be and I told her 60; 30 on my side and 30 on his side including the bridal party. When she started naming off family members, I told her that we agreed to only have close family, and that we weren't inviting those that we don't see at least once a year. Her response was "if you don't invite all of our side of the family, I will be dirt." She mentioned this because when her daughter (my sister in law) got married two years ago, she invited distant family to the reception, in which they didn't show up and now they have separated themselves from the family.

My mother in law said that she hoped the wedding would be 100 people, and that they should be invited. I said if she wanted to pay for them to come, she is more than welcome. But she isn't willing to. The conversation switched to inviting them to the reception instead, but that WE would have to pay for the additional table setup fee at the reception. When she asked what time the ceremony started and ended, I told her that it would start at 3:30 and end at 10pm. Being that it's on a Sunday, our city ordinance says that all events must conclude by 10pm. Her reaction was "then we have to find another place for people to go to the after party. I've been to hundred of weddings and none of them have ended as early as yours. The party is just getting started around that time and now their night will be ruined."

I also got the same reaction when I said there would only be dinner, and not late night snacks (again, not in our budget and we didn't feel it was necessary). I mentioned my tense conversation to my fiance and he said he would talk to her.

I feel like she is trying to make the wedding about her, and she's trying to change things. We are paying for everything on our own, and if it's not in our budget, it's not in our budget. Has anyone had similar experiences while wedding planning?

Re: Mother-In-Law Making My Big Day About Her?

  • We are getting married in September and we are on a limited budget. We were able to find a great all inclusive deal on a Sunday for a price that was in our budget. This includes 6p people, as I wanted it to be small with just close family. When my future mother in law heard of our announcement, she proceeded to invite family that I've never met, and that my fiance hasn't seen in years. When the topic arose again today, she asked how many people it would be and I told her 60; 30 on my side and 30 on his side including the bridal party. When she started naming off family members, I told her that we agreed to only have close family, and that we weren't inviting those that we don't see at least once a year. Her response was "if you don't invite all of our side of the family, I will be dirt." She mentioned this because when her daughter (my sister in law) got married two years ago, she invited distant family to the reception, in which they didn't show up and now they have separated themselves from the family. My mother in law said that she hoped the wedding would be 100 people, and that they should be invited. I said if she wanted to pay for them to come, she is more than welcome. But she isn't willing to. The conversation switched to inviting them to the reception instead, but that WE would have to pay for the additional table setup fee at the reception. When she asked what time the ceremony started and ended, I told her that it would start at 3:30 and end at 10pm. Being that it's on a Sunday, our city ordinance says that all events must conclude by 10pm. Her reaction was "then we have to find another place for people to go to the after party. I've been to hundred of weddings and none of them have ended as early as yours. The party is just getting started around that time and now their night will be ruined." I also got the same reaction when I said there would only be dinner, and not late night snacks (again, not in our budget and we didn't feel it was necessary). I mentioned my tense conversation to my fiance and he said he would talk to her. I feel like she is trying to make the wedding about her, and she's trying to change things. We are paying for everything on our own, and if it's not in our budget, it's not in our budget. Has anyone had similar experiences while wedding planning?
    What does your FH/FW say while all of these comments are made ?

    I would first have a discussion with your SO because for some reason there seems to have been a missed moment when boundaries were made. She needs them ASAP.

    If it gets to the point where your SO will not have the conversation with his/her mother then you should politely have it. You don't have to be rude and disrespectful but she needs to realize that your wedding is just that. For you and your SO. While you hope to make it comfortable for everyone, you are planning the day for you guys. If you bend and snap to her liking you will look back on that day and not enjoy anything that happened. My wedding is gonna be 50 max. I am only inviting those who I have close contact with. If we haven't spoken in over a year then I'm not inviting you Sorry but not sorry. 

    Some boundaries definitely need to be set with your FMIL and now .
  • If you guys are paying for the wedding, then you get to set the budget and guest list. End of story. It's not fair for your mother in law to set expectations and then not be willing to help pay for them. I definitely suggest having a talk with your fiancé. If he doesn't talk to her, I suggest you do. She needs to learn boundaries.
  • I told my FH about what happened and he agreed that we should only have people there that we see on a somewhat regular basis. If it's been more than a year since we've seen them, we aren't inviting them. He agreed. But then when the conversation came up again with myself, FH and his mother, he changed his tune and said "well I want all my family there. It's a special day for both of us." My FMIL did apologize for the tension in our original conversation, and I had to give in because I don't like confrontation. Luckily though, we were able to trim the guest list to JUST 60 people, which my FMIL is now fine with. The apology was short lived though because NOW she has invited all the females on her side to MY bridal shower. I just wanted to have my bridal party and my mother/grandmother. I told her that I was not okay with this, and she said "the more people you have at your bridal shower, the more gifts you get. We are going to invite everyone." At this point I don't really have a say in what I want for my wedding or my bridal/bachelorette party because my FMIL has invited everyone that I don't want there.




  • I told my FH about what happened and he agreed that we should only have people there that we see on a somewhat regular basis. If it's been more than a year since we've seen them, we aren't inviting them. He agreed. But then when the conversation came up again with myself, FH and his mother, he changed his tune and said "well I want all my family there. It's a special day for both of us." My FMIL did apologize for the tension in our original conversation, and I had to give in because I don't like confrontation. Luckily though, we were able to trim the guest list to JUST 60 people, which my FMIL is now fine with. The apology was short lived though because NOW she has invited all the females on her side to MY bridal shower. I just wanted to have my bridal party and my mother/grandmother. I told her that I was not okay with this, and she said "the more people you have at your bridal shower, the more gifts you get. We are going to invite everyone." At this point I don't really have a say in what I want for my wedding or my bridal/bachelorette party because my FMIL has invited everyone that I don't want there.




    Who is hosting the shower? It would be appropriate for that person to say sorry FMIL, I only have plans to host these people and cannot host these extra guests.


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    OurWildKingdom
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