Difficult MOH...

mrs.ashworth522

I have been sending suggestions of BM dresses to my MOH for styles that I like and think will work for what I have in mind. Every option I send her she doesn't like something about. I have told her I would prefer no strapless dresses, even if that's what they like because I have seen too many people end up pulling up the dresses and adjusting them and I would rather my MOH & BM not worry about it. Strapless are the only styles the MOH is sending me... At what point can I draw the line and say this is the style of dress you are getting? I am also trying to stay on a budget for them but finding a dress my MOH likes seems like it is never going to happen. My BM is my cousin and absolutely okay with anything because she was just thrilled I asked her to be in my party.

KittenMittens84

knottie05222016 said:

I have been sending suggestions of BM dresses to my MOH for styles that I like and think will work for what I have in mind. Every option I send her she doesn't like something about. I have told her I would prefer no strapless dresses, even if that's what they like because I have seen too many people end up pulling up the dresses and adjusting them and I would rather my MOH & BM not worry about it. Strapless are the only styles the MOH is sending me... At what point can I draw the line and say this is the style of dress you are getting? I am also trying to stay on a budget for them but finding a dress my MOH likes seems like it is never going to happen. My BM is my cousin and absolutely okay with anything because she was just thrilled I asked her to be in my party.

Best way to go about this is to just give them a color choice and tell them to find whatever dress they feel the best in for that color. I went to the point of changing the color of my BM's dresses so that it would be easier for them and they could go wherever and spend a little or as much as they are comfortable with.

kimmiinthemitten

scribe95 said:

At some point I would give them three final choices of yours and have them agree together. I understand you not wanting strapless. It is true that usually the women end up tugging them up all night long. 

Strapless vs. non strapless seems like such a silly hill to die on.  Yes, they may tug the dress up all night, they may also keep fixing their spaghetti straps, pulling down a shorter/tea length dress, shimmy around in a fitted dress, have to adjust their spanx regardless of dress.  With my boobs, I'm tugging on or adjusting most dresses and I rarely go strapless.

If your MOH prefers a strapless dress, I say let her have one, just provide which color you'd like it to be.  You could even allow them to choose their own dress so long as it's in x color by x dress line and x length etc.  It's hard to find one dress that equally flatters all women.

Heffalump

If your MOH is tugging at her dress all night long, it won't really affect you.  If that's the style of dress she wants, I would think long and hard about whether her friendship or the dress is more important to you, and choose accordingly.

I hate when people treat their WP like kids, so I'm not advocating that, but one of the best lessons I've learned as a parent is that if it isn't going to cause bodily harm or property damage, sometimes it's best to just let people make their choices and deal with the consequences on their own. 

GlamQueenBride

At no point would I "draw the line and say this is the style of dress you are getting" unless YOU are paying for the dress. If you're not paying for the dress, then she absolutely gets a say.

I don't understand the problem with strapless. So what if she tugs all night? I mean, is that really a big deal?

thisismynickname2

Why not have complementing dresses? Many designers make basically the exact same dress with a few different necklines. I was in a party of 9 bridesmaids and we wore Donna Morgan dresses. A few in strapless, a few in V-neck, and a few (including me) in one-shoulder. It was very cohesive.
It sounds like you have two, right? A MOH and a BM? You can pick a designer and a color and a fabric but let the MOH wear strapless and the other BM choose whatever neckline she wants. 

Maggie0829

So you don't want them to wear strapless dresses because they may pull on them every now and then?  And how would them tugging at their dress cause any issues for you?

If your MOH likes strapless dresses then she should be allowed to buy a strapless dress.  I think the reason you don't want them to wear strapless dresses is stupid.  So give them a color and length and let them choose a dress that they are comfortable in.  And if that happens to be strapless then just be happy you aren't the one that has to go over and tug it up every 15 minutes.

PS if you get your strapless dress altered correctly then you really shouldn't have to be tugging on it.

JediElizabeth

scribe95 said:

At some point I would give them three final choices of yours and have them agree together. I understand you not wanting strapless. It is true that usually the women end up tugging them up all night long. 

This. I think giving them 3 or so styles to choose from is just fine.

I also think strapless is a silly hill for your MOH to die on. Is that the only kind of dress she wears? Does she not DO straps when going out partying? If not, why is she so insistent here? Unless you're asking her to wear something she's not comfortable with, it seems odd...

Regardless, if she's that insistent, you have to decide if it's less of a headache for you to just give in. Personally, I probably would.

kimmiinthemitten

JediElizabeth said:

At some point I would give them three final choices of yours and have them agree together. I understand you not wanting strapless. It is true that usually the women end up tugging them up all night long. 

This. I think giving them 3 or so styles to choose from is just fine. I also think strapless is a silly hill for your MOH to die on. Is that the only kind of dress she wears? Does she not DO straps when going out partying? If not, why is she so insistent here? Unless you're asking her to wear something she's not comfortable with, it seems odd... Regardless, if she's that insistent, you have to decide if it's less of a headache for you to just give in. Personally, I probably would.

It sounded to me like the OP and MOH are emailing photos of dresses they like back and forth and all of the dresses MOH sends over are strapless.  That could just be a coincidence that they are all strapless and there's something else about the dresses she likes more, like the way they flow over her midsection or the fabric.  

holyguacamole79

kimmiinthemitten said:

scribe95 said:

At some point I would give them three final choices of yours and have them agree together. I understand you not wanting strapless. It is true that usually the women end up tugging them up all night long. 

Strapless vs. non strapless seems like such a silly hill to die on.  Yes, they may tug the dress up all night, they may also keep fixing their spaghetti straps, pulling down a shorter/tea length dress, shimmy around in a fitted dress, have to adjust their spanx regardless of dress.  With my boobs, I'm tugging on or adjusting most dresses and I rarely go strapless.

If your MOH prefers a strapless dress, I say let her have one, just provide which color you'd like it to be.  You could even allow them to choose their own dress so long as it's in x color by x dress line and x length etc.  It's hard to find one dress that equally flatters all women.

QFT.  The only reason why you'd have any valid reason to object to a strapless dress was if it was not permitted by the church (if you're having a church wedding).

peachy13

OP - for what it's worth... I chose a style and color for my bridesmaids to wear and let them pick any neckline they wanted. Out of 9 bridesmaids, 5 chose a strapless dress. That's what they wanted, that's what they were comfortable in, and that's what they ended up looking absolutely gorgeous in. 

Liatris2010

I've never been at a wedding and thought, "I'd be having a great time if it weren't for those bridesmaids tugging up their strapless dresses."

If you, the bride, are so bored at your own wedding that dress tugging is ruining your good time you have bigger problems than other people's clothes.

Let them wear whatever they want.

MesmrEwe

One wedding I attended all of us were scrambling to find something for the (well endowed on top) bride to use for straps to hold her dress up - the boning had entirely given out on both the gown and her long-line and nothing was going to hold things up. They ended up using a robe tie with pins.. For our wedding I was assured that the dress wouldn't have this same issue - if not for my hips gravity was winning and I was yanking at it.  So NAF of strapless either...  Regardless of that I've heard of some churches not allowing strapless dresses primarily for the reason of modesty, but if a photographer takes a picture from behind while they're sitting it looks like they aren't wearing anything.. 

OP - go live to look at some dresses then make the executive decision within their budget and complimentary for their body size/shape for something that fits your image of how you want your BM's to look or give them a color and let them choose themselves since there's only two knowing that the one will ultimately choose strapless.  There are some wonderful dresses out there that aren't spaghetti strap nor strapless yet incredibly elegant on a budget (Search Macy's formalwear...but Sears, JCP, Deb, Nordstrom, also offer formalwear lines that have awesome return policies and are budget friendly)..

augsum15

If she wants a strapless dress, let her wear a strapless dress. There are a lot of different options out there for dresses that look basically the same but have a different neckline or strap/no strap option, and that might be your best bet OR since you are being budget conscious for them, give them a colour and let them pick out their own dress. And so what if she's pulling it up all night? She can deal with it if strapless is so important to her.

You want your girls to be comfortable right? She might only feel comfortable in a strapless dress. I know for me in the summer, I prefer wearing strapless dresses because it's warm out, and even a spaghetti strap can be irritating in the heat. Unless you have a law abiding reason why she can't wear a strapless dress, let it goooooooooooooooo

PrettyGirlLost

kimmiinthemitten said:

scribe95 said:

At some point I would give them three final choices of yours and have them agree together. I understand you not wanting strapless. It is true that usually the women end up tugging them up all night long. 

Strapless vs. non strapless seems like such a silly hill to die on.  Yes, they may tug the dress up all night, they may also keep fixing their spaghetti straps, pulling down a shorter/tea length dress, shimmy around in a fitted dress, have to adjust their spanx regardless of dress.  With my boobs, I'm tugging on or adjusting most dresses and I rarely go strapless.

If your MOH prefers a strapless dress, I say let her have one, just provide which color you'd like it to be.  You could even allow them to choose their own dress so long as it's in x color by x dress line and x length etc.  It's hard to find one dress that equally flatters all women.

If the dress is properly altered and fitted and you wear a properly fitted bra, you don't need to be pulling up a strapless dress all night.  It's all in the tailoring.

I agree with PPs, it's better to just give your WP a color and let them choose the style of dress they want to wear.  If your MOH wants a strapless dress, let her buy a strapless dress.

VicTim328

I like what PP said about giving 3 options to the BM and MOH, and let them decide on what they want. It's perfectly reasonable to say "I've made my top 3 picks for the BM dresses.  Please let me know what your selection is." It could be easier to go to a physical store to have them try things on.

You may want to discuss what the MOH likes about certain dresses.  Is it budgetary? Is it the fabric? Is it how it will lay on her chest/waist/hips/bum?  I would ask her about why she likes each dress and try to pull in those elements in the final 3 you send. 

Are you having a church wedding that does not allow bare shoulders? Or is this a modesty thing?  I would argue that even if there isn't a church ceremony, sometimes strapless is still inappropriate, just like dress lengths may still be inappropriate, but it's a know your crowd thing.  For you to feel so strongly about a non strapless dress, there has to be another reason other than "pulling at it."

If you've already said that you do not want them to wear strapless, she is being inconsiderate sending you only strapless dresses.  But, this is not a hill worth dying on for either of you.  Try to remember that.  If this has been an actual argument, I would give in and let her have the strapless dress.  Provided there is more of a reason to "I don't like people pulling at their dresses," I think you can justify saying no, but only if you haven't already made that your reason with her. 

Ghostie625

One thing to consider as well is that many strapless dresses come with spaghetti straps that can be attached as part of the alterations, so any of the BMs who want some straps can have them attached and the ones that don't can leave them off.

kimmiinthemitten

PrettyGirlLost said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

scribe95 said:

At some point I would give them three final choices of yours and have them agree together. I understand you not wanting strapless. It is true that usually the women end up tugging them up all night long. 

Strapless vs. non strapless seems like such a silly hill to die on.  Yes, they may tug the dress up all night, they may also keep fixing their spaghetti straps, pulling down a shorter/tea length dress, shimmy around in a fitted dress, have to adjust their spanx regardless of dress.  With my boobs, I'm tugging on or adjusting most dresses and I rarely go strapless.

If your MOH prefers a strapless dress, I say let her have one, just provide which color you'd like it to be.  You could even allow them to choose their own dress so long as it's in x color by x dress line and x length etc.  It's hard to find one dress that equally flatters all women.

If the dress is properly altered and fitted and you wear a properly fitted bra, you don't need to be pulling up a strapless dress all night.  It's all in the tailoring.

I agree with PPs, it's better to just give your WP a color and let them choose the style of dress they want to wear.  If your MOH wants a strapless dress, let her buy a strapless dress.

While this may be true for the dress, it's not true for the bra.  I am fit by a specialty bra store every 6 months, and I have never found a strapless or corset style bra that I don't feel like adjusting.  After x hours, they just hurt my rib cage, because quite frankly when you have enough weight there, something has to support it, and that something gets tired after a while.  

jessandnick629

I have been having similar problems with my MOH. She turns down every dress I show her, even though I talked to her about what she'd like to wear and have been picking dresses that fit those wants. When I suggest she look at dresses and show me ones she'd like, she says she will but never does. She also hasn't been willing to help with any other aspects of the wedding. She has no problem talking about things, but she always turns it into talking about what she wants for her wedding. If she was planning her wedding too I could understand, but she isn't even dating anyone. At first, she had been hinting that she wanted to be my MOH (it's my fiance's sister) so I asked her and she was more than happy and excited to be my MOH and was always saying that if I needed anything to let her know, that she'd help so much, etc etc. But now that the time has come to figure things out, she never follows through, saying she'll do something and then just doesn't. And I haven't even asked for much. She won't even help out with finding her own dress. At this point I've just stopped talking to her about everything. I'm curious to see what the consensus comes to here for the OPs question, since it'll help with mine too.

holyguacamole79

jessandnick629 said:

I have been having similar problems with my MOH. She turns down every dress I show her, even though I talked to her about what she'd like to wear and have been picking dresses that fit those wants. When I suggest she look at dresses and show me ones she'd like, she says she will but never does. She also hasn't been willing to help with any other aspects of the wedding. She has no problem talking about things, but she always turns it into talking about what she wants for her wedding. If she was planning her wedding too I could understand, but she isn't even dating anyone. At first, she had been hinting that she wanted to be my MOH (it's my fiance's sister) so I asked her and she was more than happy and excited to be my MOH and was always saying that if I needed anything to let her know, that she'd help so much, etc etc. But now that the time has come to figure things out, she never follows through, saying she'll do something and then just doesn't. And I haven't even asked for much. She won't even help out with finding her own dress. At this point I've just stopped talking to her about everything. I'm curious to see what the consensus comes to here for the OPs question, since it'll help with mine too.

What other aspects do you expect her to help with?  She has no additional responsibilities other than showing up and posing for pics.

MyNameIsNot

jessandnick629 said:

I have been having similar problems with my MOH. She turns down every dress I show her, even though I talked to her about what she'd like to wear and have been picking dresses that fit those wants. When I suggest she look at dresses and show me ones she'd like, she says she will but never does. She also hasn't been willing to help with any other aspects of the wedding. She has no problem talking about things, but she always turns it into talking about what she wants for her wedding. If she was planning her wedding too I could understand, but she isn't even dating anyone. At first, she had been hinting that she wanted to be my MOH (it's my fiance's sister) so I asked her and she was more than happy and excited to be my MOH and was always saying that if I needed anything to let her know, that she'd help so much, etc etc. But now that the time has come to figure things out, she never follows through, saying she'll do something and then just doesn't. And I haven't even asked for much. She won't even help out with finding her own dress. At this point I've just stopped talking to her about everything. I'm curious to see what the consensus comes to here for the OPs question, since it'll help with mine too.

If you want to talk about your situation, you're usually better off posting a new thread. This topic is a few weeks old and pretty much dead already.

For your SIL, there's no reason for her to be involved in wedding planning. She's in a position of honor, not your wedding planner. Give her a dress specification: e.g. color and length, and let her handle it. If she drags her feet too long and has to pay rush fees or can't get her first choice, it's not your fault.

How much time is left until your wedding? She may not want to shop too far in advance. 

jessandnick629

When I went shopping for my dress, she wasn't going to go with. When she found out a certain someone else was going, she had a meltdown over it, saying she was supposed to go since she was MOH and that the other person wasn't supposed to go, and she ended up going with and we had to exclude the other person just to make her happy and keep the peace. When we were actually at the dress shop, she acted miserable, gave no input on the dresses that I tried on, and pouted the whole time like she didn't want to be there. I thought she would help me pick my dress by giving constructive criticism and feedback like every one did, but no. I've talked to her about the cake, because she initiated it and asked about it, but as soon as we got into the conversation she again started acting like she wasn't into it and didn't want to talk or anything. Like she always wants to know about details and be included and informed, but as soon as we actually start talking she totally flips and becomes so disinterested. It's not like I'm asking her to do things for me, and the only times I talk to her about the wedding is when she asks. I don't understand why she flips like that. And for the dress, I tried to guide her and make suggestions based on what she said She wanted, but she turned them all down so I basically gave up and gave her free reign. But even then she acts super interested and then just drops everything and acts like it's all miserable.

ladyinthewhitedress

Liatris2010 said:

I've never been at a wedding and thought, "I'd be having a great time if it weren't for those bridesmaids tugging up their strapless dresses."

If you, the bride, are so bored at your own wedding that dress tugging is ruining your good time you have bigger problems than other people's clothes.

Let them wear whatever they want.

knottie05222016 If you are letting your MOH pick her dress then I love the idea of emailing her three options she can pick from.