Limiting who comes to dress selection appointments...help?

KnickerGold

I'm newly engaged, but have watched SYTTD for years, I just like wedding dresses
So for a long time I've had in my head that my Nana, my Mom and *maybe* my closest friend would come with me. The thought of a large group makes my head hurt.
Well I'm engaged now, and planning my wedding in NYC. FMIL has never been to NYC, so wants to come look at the venue I've chosen etc. Fine with me! But my Mom told me she hinted at also coming to the dress appt. I said OK (to my mom) at first, but had a bad feeling about it. I told my Mom that I just want her and Nana at the appt. She wasn't super pleased (she really likes FMIL) but agreed it was my day and might be for the best as I've always gotten cranky when I have to try things on.

So I've agreed to look at some dresses in Texas- Mom will fly in, and I'll invite FMIL and FSIL (and I'm sure her two daughters will come along as well) but do I tell them that I don't plan on buying a dress that day? Nana can't fly (hence wedding/dress shopping in NYC) so I know I won't be buying one without her.

FSIL has made it clear she wants to be as involved as possible because she had a very quick/simple wedding so knowing her, it will be living out her dream wedding through me. (She's told me a few times she wished she had a bigger wedding, but with 4 kids didn't have the time) I don't want to offend anyone, and I'm looking at dresses in Texas just to include them, but have no intentions of buying one here- do I tell them that so we're all on the same page? Or no?

(I want to add this- part of the reason I don't want to invited FMIL to appt in NY is because I know FSIL will tag along, and there's a limit of 3 guests and FSIL would throw a fit if she/FMIL got bumped...)

Who knew this was all so confusing?!

JediElizabeth

Knottie54289357 said:

I'm newly engaged, but have watched SYTTD for years, I just like wedding dresses
So for a long time I've had in my head that my Nana, my Mom and *maybe* my closest friend would come with me. The thought of a large group makes my head hurt.
Well I'm engaged now, and planning my wedding in NYC. FMIL has never been to NYC, so wants to come look at the venue I've chosen etc. Fine with me! But my Mom told me she hinted at also coming to the dress appt. I said OK (to my mom) at first, but had a bad feeling about it. I told my Mom that I just want her and Nana at the appt. She wasn't super pleased (she really likes FMIL) but agreed it was my day and might be for the best as I've always gotten cranky when I have to try things on.

So I've agreed to look at some dresses in Texas- Mom will fly in, and I'll invite FMIL and FSIL (and I'm sure her two daughters will come along as well) but do I tell them that I don't plan on buying a dress that day? Nana can't fly (hence wedding/dress shopping in NYC) so I know I won't be buying one without her.

FSIL has made it clear she wants to be as involved as possible because she had a very quick/simple wedding so knowing her, it will be living out her dream wedding through me. (She's told me a few times she wished she had a bigger wedding, but with 4 kids didn't have the time) I don't want to offend anyone, and I'm looking at dresses in Texas just to include them, but have no intentions of buying one here- do I tell them that so we're all on the same page? Or no?

(I want to add this- part of the reason I don't want to invited FMIL to appt in NY is because I know FSIL will tag along, and there's a limit of 3 guests and FSIL would throw a fit if she/FMIL got bumped...)

Who knew this was all so confusing?!

I'm going to be honest: this sounds like it will hurt more feelings than salve. Going to TX and trying on dresses with the pretext of including everyone, but not really wanting them there when you find *the dress* will have two possible outcomes: you'll find the dress you want even though you didn't plan to (and be sad that your Nana wasn't there), or you'll waste everyone's time - including the poor sales consultant.

I would suggest cancelling the TX appointment and only dress shopping with your mom, Nana, Na maybe FMIL in NYC.

I would also suggest having your FI talk to his family about your FSIL. This is your wedding, not hers. She is not entitled to be a part or have a say in anything, and you should not be jumping through hoops to make her happy. She had her wedding. Now you have yours. She should be able to deal with that without pressuring you to let her live vicariously through you.

KnickerGold

Ya, I agree, I don't like the TX idea, but Mom thought it would be 'more inclusive'. 
I agree that FSIL is an issue, but she has been, according to FI, for the last 20 years, and there's no changing her. FMIL is sweet and doesn't stand up to her- which is why I'm hesitant to invite FMIL to appt in NY as then FSIL would get her feelings hurt not being invited/may show up anyway and then REALLY get her feelings hurt when the limit is 3 and I don't kick Nana out.

Deep down I think she means well, she is just super pushy and 'all about me' all the time, and while it's not her day, she is intent on being part of all of it. Thankfully she already said 'I don't want to be a bridesmaid', so dodged a bullet there.

Lots of tip-toeing...

STARMOON44

Knottie54289357 said:

Ya, I agree, I don't like the TX idea, but Mom thought it would be 'more inclusive'. 
I agree that FSIL is an issue, but she has been, according to FI, for the last 20 years, and there's no changing her. FMIL is sweet and doesn't stand up to her- which is why I'm hesitant to invite FMIL to appt in NY as then FSIL would get her feelings hurt not being invited/may show up anyway and then REALLY get her feelings hurt when the limit is 3 and I don't kick Nana out.

Deep down I think she means well, she is just super pushy and 'all about me' all the time, and while it's not her day, she is intent on being part of all of it. Thankfully she already said 'I don't want to be a bridesmaid', so dodged a bullet there.

Lots of tip-toeing...

Woman up! If you can't stand up to a brat who expects you to throw Nana off the train for her when can you say no? If you don't want FMIL their either fine, but excluding her because of FSIL is silly. "Hey FMIL want to come? I can only bring three people, store rules. Mama and Nana are coming. FSIL can't"

JediElizabeth

Knottie54289357 said:

Ya, I agree, I don't like the TX idea, but Mom thought it would be 'more inclusive'. 
I agree that FSIL is an issue, but she has been, according to FI, for the last 20 years, and there's no changing her. FMIL is sweet and doesn't stand up to her- which is why I'm hesitant to invite FMIL to appt in NY as then FSIL would get her feelings hurt not being invited/may show up anyway and then REALLY get her feelings hurt when the limit is 3 and I don't kick Nana out.

Deep down I think she means well, she is just super pushy and 'all about me' all the time, and while it's not her day, she is intent on being part of all of it. Thankfully she already said 'I don't want to be a bridesmaid', so dodged a bullet there.

Lots of tip-toeing...

This is enabling behavior, and is the reason FSIL has continued to be a brat for 20 years - if she knows it will get her her way, she will continue the behavior.

Your and your FI do not need to enable her. You can, in order to make sure that everything runs smoothly and she doesn't case a scene, but doing so will create a pattern in your relationship which she will expect you to follow forever - and which will be harder to change. I'd nip this in the bud now, before it becomes a pattern.

climbingsingle

Cancel the TX dress shopping idea. Just go in NY. Invite your FMIL and make sure she knows that you're only allowed 3 people, and she's the third. If there's no room for FSIL, there's no room for her. End of story. 

I invited my FMIL along to come dress shopping, and she was so, so happy to be included. I see it like this - this woman will be your MIL and will likely be in your life for many years to come. You'll want to have a good relationship with her. I included my MIL on everything I could, because I knew how much it meant to her. And my MIL has told me many times how great it was, and how much it meant to her. And our relationship is better because of it. Let go of the idea/dream/whatever of it just being your mom and grandmother. 

MesmrEwe

It's not fair to a consultant to waste their time with someone who has no intention of purchasing a dress.  If you have no intentions of purchasing a car, why walk into a dealership...  It just makes the sales people jaded. 

NY with your Nana and Mom and if FMIL wants to come along - great!  But that's it.  Do not clutter up your appointment!!!  Have your key players there but no one else!!!  Also, SYTTD is not reality shopping for a dress!  Realize, it's a drama "reality" show and every staff person will roll their eyes if you say "jacked up" for anything.  You already realize that your FSIL would be living vicariously through you, so don't waste YOUR time taking her anywhere shopping for dresses with you!  You aren't trying out for a spot on SYTTD here and need the ceremonious drama queen at your appointment to put down/doubt in your mind, whatever dress you love.  Something where SYTTD is deficient is talking about things like working into your budget money for alterations, undergarments, crinoline, shoes, headpiece, veil, etc. which can combined easily double the cost of a dress...  Also, don't walk into a bridal salon that is notorious for carrying dresses outside of your real world working budget!  It's a dress for one day in your life, it's not worth a year's worth of mortgage payments or a decent used car!!!

Finally - stop watching "Wedding Porn" and all things Pinterest.  As you go through the process of planning your wedding, all these give you is unrealistic expectations and ideas out of your real world budget. 

JCocco219

I do not have any sisters and unfortunately the only living grandmother lives in Florida (i'm in NJ).  So I always knew I just wanted my mom and my FMIL (we have an extremely close relationship, she has all boys and I knew this would mean a lot to her) A lot of my girlfriends who are in my WP including my SIL and FSIL wanted to be there but I made it clear it was just the moms, I wanted my dress to be a surprise to them  I am planning on having my MOH come to my dress fittings, but only her.  Maybe you can just have who you want there the first time, but bring someone else to the fittings.  Either way, it is your choice!!

KnickerGold

MesmrEwe- Well, I've never been on Pinterest... I just don't 'get it' (I realize I'm in the minority) and actually haven't seen an episode of SYTTD in a few months, but have watched it a bunch in the past. If you read my post, you'd see I don't *want* to clutter up my appointment. I want 2 people. Possibly a 3rd. I don't *want* drama (I don't like the drama on SYTTD, I like looking at the gowns and find Randy hilarious) 

I also understand that my dress budget doesn't include a veil, alterations etc. I'm not sure why that was brought up? Where did I mention budget?

And to those who say 'stand up to FSIL'- she's 18 years older than me (her oldest son is only 2 years younger than me!) and I'd like to keep her on my good side. I've seen her bad side and I'd like to avoid that. 

CMGragain

Knottie54289357 said:

I'm newly engaged, but have watched SYTTD for years, I just like wedding dresses
So for a long time I've had in my head that my Nana, my Mom and *maybe* my closest friend would come with me. The thought of a large group makes my head hurt.
Well I'm engaged now, and planning my wedding in NYC. FMIL has never been to NYC, so wants to come look at the venue I've chosen etc. Fine with me! But my Mom told me she hinted at also coming to the dress appt. I said OK (to my mom) at first, but had a bad feeling about it. I told my Mom that I just want her and Nana at the appt. She wasn't super pleased (she really likes FMIL) but agreed it was my day and might be for the best as I've always gotten cranky when I have to try things on.

So I've agreed to look at some dresses in Texas- Mom will fly in, and I'll invite FMIL and FSIL (and I'm sure her two daughters will come along as well) but do I tell them that I don't plan on buying a dress that day? Nana can't fly (hence wedding/dress shopping in NYC) so I know I won't be buying one without her.

FSIL has made it clear she wants to be as involved as possible because she had a very quick/simple wedding so knowing her, it will be living out her dream wedding through me. (She's told me a few times she wished she had a bigger wedding, but with 4 kids didn't have the time) I don't want to offend anyone, and I'm looking at dresses in Texas just to include them, but have no intentions of buying one here- do I tell them that so we're all on the same page? Or no?

(I want to add this- part of the reason I don't want to invited FMIL to appt in NY is because I know FSIL will tag along, and there's a limit of 3 guests and FSIL would throw a fit if she/FMIL got bumped...)

Who knew this was all so confusing?!

Looking at dresses in Texas is a waste of time and money.  Choose some parts of your wedding and involve you FMIL in those.  (Flowers, menu, selecting her dress?)  Keep the dress selection in NYC with your Mom and Nana.  Tell FMIL that you are sorry, but the appointment doesn't allow many people.  Show her photos after you have made your selection.
The sure way to upset people is to try and please everybody.

holyguacamole79

Knottie54289357 said:

MesmrEwe- Well, I've never been on Pinterest... I just don't 'get it' (I realize I'm in the minority) and actually haven't seen an episode of SYTTD in a few months, but have watched it a bunch in the past. If you read my post, you'd see I don't *want* to clutter up my appointment. I want 2 people. Possibly a 3rd. I don't *want* drama (I don't like the drama on SYTTD, I like looking at the gowns and find Randy hilarious) 

I also understand that my dress budget doesn't include a veil, alterations etc. I'm not sure why that was brought up? Where did I mention budget?

And to those who say 'stand up to FSIL'- she's 18 years older than me (her oldest son is only 2 years younger than me!) and I'd like to keep her on my good side. I've seen her bad side and I'd like to avoid that. 

You are enabling her behavior.  What happens one day when you have a child and FSIL wants you to name the child a certain name because she didn't have another child so she could "use" that name?  This behavior will not stop unless you set firm boundaries.  If it works out that you are not able to invite her & FMIL to the shopping experience in NYC, let her know that you simply don't have room per the rules of the store.  End of discussion.  If she insists that you do something else a certain way, thank her for her suggestion and let her know that you'll think about it.  Then change the topic.  (around here, we call that "bean dipping" someone .... "oh that's a lovely idea ... have you tried the bean dip?").  

You can only do so much to keep her on your good side.  If she goes psycho, that's on her and will reflect poorly on her.

I can somewhat relate.  DH's SIL can be quite overbearing.  She had so many ideas for our wedding.  "You should use this type of music.  How about this dress for the flower girls?"  My response was consistently "oh that sounds lovely - I'll definitely think about it."  When DH and I first told them that we'd spend Thanksgiving with their family and Christmas with mine, her response was "but we ALWAYS spend Christmas as a family."  I simply said "I ALWAYS spent Thanksgiving with mine.  This year I'm spending it with you.  DH and I are working to split our holidays evenly between the two families.  We can celebrate Christmas with your family the weekend after and exchange presents then.  By the way, that pumpkin pie was delicious ... can you share the recipe?"

You really need to put your foot down.  If the "bad side" involves physical harm, then you have bigger fish to fry.

holyguacamole79

Knottie54289357 said:

Ya, I agree, I don't like the TX idea, but Mom thought it would be 'more inclusive'. 
I agree that FSIL is an issue, but she has been, according to FI, for the last 20 years, and there's no changing her. FMIL is sweet and doesn't stand up to her- which is why I'm hesitant to invite FMIL to appt in NY as then FSIL would get her feelings hurt not being invited/may show up anyway and then REALLY get her feelings hurt when the limit is 3 and I don't kick Nana out.

Deep down I think she means well, she is just super pushy and 'all about me' all the time, and while it's not her day, she is intent on being part of all of it. Thankfully she already said 'I don't want to be a bridesmaid', so dodged a bullet there.

Lots of tip-toeing...

Pardon my language, but TOUGH SHIT to FSIL.  The store has an established limit of 3.  That is their rule, not yours.  And it is absolutely out of line for her to expect you to ditch your Nana for her.  If she shows up, I imagine the store has security or some other way to escort her from the store.

KnickerGold

Ya, thanks all. 
FSIL has asked for my phone number from FI, but he 'keeps forgetting' to give it to her.
As of last night she's quite mad I'm not coming for Thanksgiving or Christmas--I'm an only child, and FI is insistent I don't skip the holidays with my parents (not that I wanted to!). We did Thanksgiving at FI's parents house last year, but my Dad just got out of the hospital yesterday so isn't traveling any time soon. FI will be at their TG/Christmas, but she 'expected to see me'... ah well. 

And no worries on her naming our kid- not planning on having any, and my horses are all imported already named