Pre-wedding Parties

MOB and FMIL Shower Planning Troubles

Sorry for the long post... most of this has all happened in the last week and is starting to really upset myself and my mother now...

I like my FMIL; however, I have always had this feeling. The fact that my fiance bought a house only 3 blocks from mom and dad had me worried at first, but he doesn't rely on them... most of the time he helps them do house work because his siblings never do... my fiance is the oldest.

Anyways, we got engaged in mid-August, and both families were happy. We picked an April wedding, so only a 8 month planning process, but I knew it was doable. I am the last of 4 kids to get married, so I knew what I wanted, and luckily everything was available. However, FILs recently started the semi-retired winter schedule and rented a place in the south for February and March, so I suggested we do my shower in January so that everyone is home, and it would be easier. I always envisioned my mom and FMIL, along with our sisters working together to plan the shower; however, it has been a constant battle. FMIL is taking it over! Over Labor Day weekend, FSIL called me on my cell while I was on vacation to ask what I wanted for my shower. I didn't answer.. later that night she called her brother (my fiance) on his cell phone because she wanted to ask me what I wanted for my shower. I told her that my mom and sister know what I want and that she should talk to them. Then, I got worried that maybe the ILs were planning their own shower. After talking to FMIL, she assured me that we would all work together, but I still had this gut feeling. 

Now, two months later, and we should be sending the shower invites in two weeks, I called FMIL to ask her about her dress for the wedding (that is another major issue)... she tells me about how she attended a friend's daughter's shower over the weekend, and her friend is very crafty and she can help plan the shower with FSIL... at no time, was my mom or sisters included in this conversation. I bit my tongue hard, and said that I would really like my mom and sisters involved in the process. Then, FMIL replies that she didn't know my sisters wanted to be included... I have only mentioned it NUMEROUS times to her and FSIL.

I really don't want to be involved in my own shower, but I feel like I need to because FMIL and MOB are not getting along. Neither likes the other idea... and of course, I can't help me decisions because then I am picking sides. Then FMIL keeps saying she can handle things because MOB is busy with my grandma who is sick; however, FMIL is more concerned about selling then getting me her guest list... which I have been asking for for 6 weeks. Any suggestions????

About the dress dilemma... my BM are wearing navy dresses... I suggested that both MOB and FMIL wear navy dresses too. When I suggested it to FMIL, she said it was hard to find navy dresses, and she has been searching the larger department stores. She said she has bought a few dresses that she likes and they are blue. So I said that was fine and my mom got her dress in teal. Then 4 days later, I am with FMIL, and she decides to finally show me the dresses she has bought... 3 out of 4 are NAVY! Of course, I bit my tongue again! I just wonder if she really is trying to drive me nuts... I didn't say anything, but I am quite annoyed because I wish my mom would have just order a navy dress, and all would have been good. Any suggestions?

Re: MOB and FMIL Shower Planning Troubles

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto PPs.


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Go with the flow.  Don't try to dictate what the mothers wear.  And you can have more than one shower if the guest lists don't overlap.  If your FMIL wants to host a shower that's radically different from what your mother and sister do, there's no reason she can't do so on her own time and dime.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You can't dictate what people are wearing, beyond your BMs dresses.  You're out of line there.  Let your Mom and FMIL wear whatever makes them feel most beautiful and comfortable.  You're also too involved with the shower.  You should have waited for someone to volunteer instead of forcing it on both sides.  Stop getting so involved.  


    image
  • Dictating colors that the moms wear is out of line and far too time consuming on your part.   It's something that doesn't matter and only creates stress for everyone involved.   They get to pick what they want and as long as pasties aren't involved you get to STFU about it.

    What's wrong with two showers?   I feel like it can actually work better to have more than one shower so then you get to spend a bit more time with the guests.  
    InLoveInQueens
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Your problem is that you are trying to control things that you shouldn't be. The FMIL dress thing is really bad. I can't believe you told her what to wear! If I were her, I would be considering a polka dot bikini just to spite you. 

    You say that you don't want to be involved in your shower planning, but everything you've done contradicts that. You told people to throw you a shower, when to throw it, and now you're inserting yourself in the planning. You've inserted yourself too much as it is. You need to let the hosts handle it. Why would you be asking a shower host for a guest list and sending out invitations? (Too early at that). You need to back way off. 
    CMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • Sorry for the long post... most of this has all happened in the last week and is starting to really upset myself and my mother now...

    I like my FMIL; however, I have always had this feeling. The fact that my fiance bought a house only 3 blocks from mom and dad had me worried at first, but he doesn't rely on them... most of the time he helps them do house work because his siblings never do... my fiance is the oldest.

    Anyways, we got engaged in mid-August, and both families were happy. We picked an April wedding, so only a 8 month planning process, but I knew it was doable. I am the last of 4 kids to get married, so I knew what I wanted, and luckily everything was available. However, FILs recently started the semi-retired winter schedule and rented a place in the south for February and March, so I suggested we do my shower in January so that everyone is home, and it would be easier. I always envisioned my mom and FMIL, along with our sisters working together to plan the shower; however, it has been a constant battle. FMIL is taking it over! Over Labor Day weekend, FSIL called me on my cell while I was on vacation to ask what I wanted for my shower. I didn't answer.. later that night she called her brother (my fiance) on his cell phone because she wanted to ask me what I wanted for my shower. I told her that my mom and sister know what I want and that she should talk to them. Then, I got worried that maybe the ILs were planning their own shower. After talking to FMIL, she assured me that we would all work together, but I still had this gut feeling. 

    Now, two months later, and we should be sending the shower invites in two weeks, I called FMIL to ask her about her dress for the wedding (that is another major issue)... she tells me about how she attended a friend's daughter's shower over the weekend, and her friend is very crafty and she can help plan the shower with FSIL... at no time, was my mom or sisters included in this conversation. I bit my tongue hard, and said that I would really like my mom and sisters involved in the process. Then, FMIL replies that she didn't know my sisters wanted to be included... I have only mentioned it NUMEROUS times to her and FSIL.

    I really don't want to be involved in my own shower, but I feel like I need to because FMIL and MOB are not getting along. Neither likes the other idea... and of course, I can't help me decisions because then I am picking sides. Then FMIL keeps saying she can handle things because MOB is busy with my grandma who is sick; however, FMIL is more concerned about selling then getting me her guest list... which I have been asking for for 6 weeks. Any suggestions????

    About the dress dilemma... my BM are wearing navy dresses... I suggested that both MOB and FMIL wear navy dresses too. When I suggested it to FMIL, she said it was hard to find navy dresses, and she has been searching the larger department stores. She said she has bought a few dresses that she likes and they are blue. So I said that was fine and my mom got her dress in teal. Then 4 days later, I am with FMIL, and she decides to finally show me the dresses she has bought... 3 out of 4 are NAVY! Of course, I bit my tongue again! I just wonder if she really is trying to drive me nuts... I didn't say anything, but I am quite annoyed because I wish my mom would have just order a navy dress, and all would have been good. Any suggestions?
    Yes.  Back the hell off.  Your entire post screams "Me, me, me!"

    Your Mother and your FMIL are not supposed to plan your shower, according to traditional etiquette.  Showers are not an entitlement.  Many brides do not get them at all.  They are given by a friend or friends, not close family members.

    As PPs have said, your mother and your FMIL can wear whatever they wish.  This is not your choice.  You should have nothing to suggest to them.  They do not have to co-ordinate at all.  They are not a part of your wedding party.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueens
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