The situation here is a little sticky, so I'd love for you to weigh in.
One of my bridesmaids is with a physically and emotionally abusive man, and I'm really not sure how to handle the delicate matter of his non-invitation. She's one of my oldest friends, and I love her SO much. She's my bridesmaid, but we don't want to invite him to the wedding. What's the best way to proceed here?
I've read other threads about this, but our situation is a little different. If it was only her that he had been abusive to, I think we would step back, sigh, and say, "It's her choice to be with him. If she wants to bring him, we'll grin and bear it". It becomes trickier because he has also been abusive to me and my fiancé; when staying with us from out of town, he had a meltdown and attacked us when we tried to move the evening's festivities toward an activity that didn't involve drinking. He got so vicious that we had to forbid him from re-entering our home. While my friend is entitled to decide for herself whether or not she is willing to endure his abuse, I feel that we have the right to make the same decision for ourselves - especially on our wedding day.
Since then, we have pretty much refused to have any contact with him. When I come to town to visit, she and I go out together for coffee or meet at a mutual friend's house. For the record, it's not just us. Pretty much none of her friends or family will associate with him anymore, and this is something that she has come to terms with. She wishes it was different, but she knows that we won't accept him anymore.
So here's the tricky part - we don't want to hurt her, but we also don't want to invite him to the wedding or any of the activities. Even if I did want to invite him (which I don't!), my fiancé would never be on board. Without a doubt, it would cause a huge fight between us, and he would be unhappy and uncomfortable on our wedding day. I'd rather chew broken glass than invite this guy, and the added reward of my fiancé's unhappiness makes that choice all the more unappealing.
When she asked me if her invitation to our engagement party was 'just for her', I didn't know what to say. I'm close with her parents (who are divorced), so I told her that I wasn't sure which of her parents to invite or if it was okay to invite both, so I was leaving it to her discretion regarding how to invite her parents.
What should I say if she asks me directly if her partner is invited?