Bride chose an expensive bridesmaid dress

Mrsx3Sleight

So my friend is getting married July 2016. She already chose the bridesmaid dress but I have only seen it in a picture, not in person so I have not tried it on. We also cant see it in the actual color until it comes in. The dress costs $212 after the "discount". I feel like it costs too much and I have already tried explaining this to the bride and so have 2 other bridesmaids. She doesnt understand why we wouldnt want to do this for her wedding. She isnt changing her mind. I told her I have a family to worry about and dont want to spend that much and so her response was to ask if I didnt want to be in the wedding. I feel like shes being rude. She didnt ask what our budgets were to begin with. Should I back out?

artbyallie

It sounds like she cares very little about you and the other bridesmaids. You should all back out rather than go along with spending more than you can afford. You're right; she should have asked your budget first and chosen accordingly. I would just politely tell her that the dress does not fit your budget and so you will not be able to be a bridesmaid. Kicking someone out is a friendship-ending move; backing out is not. However, how she reacts will tell you whether you should still consider her a friend at all.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

If buying a dress that is over all of your budgets is one of her "requirements" for you all being a BM, then I would talk with the other BMs and do what PP said and you all should politely decline because of the dress. I would explain that you would gladly be a BM if the dress was more affordable or if you could all find your own.

indigo26

I can't imagine spending that much on a dress that I've never tried on and can't see until it comes in. I would nicely explain that you don't have the room in your family budget to spend that much on a dress. Honestly that dress costs more than my grocery bill for a month. If she doesn't want to understand that her friends cannot drop that much money on a dress they're going to wear once, then that's on her. Let her know its not because you don't value her friendship, its just that you're not going to put yourself into financial difficulty over this event.

AddieCake

If you can't afford to buy the dress, tell her so.

kvruns

I think it would be hard to back out but that might be the best option. Not to mention if she's not being sensitive to budget in this arena I have a feeling that you will find yourself being "required" to shell out a lot for bridal shower/bachelorette party and probably specific matching shoes, hair and make-up etc.  At least if you back out now you wont have a $212 dress sitting in your closet after she kicks you out for not shelling out for the other above-mentioned items (just taking a guess that she would kick someone out for not participating in the other "requirements" she comes up with)

Mrsx3Sleight

The other bridesmaids that were against the price are now just going to buy the dress so I am the only one who is still against it. I am definitely considering backing out but at the same time I feel like it makes it harder now that my friends are just buying the dress anyway. The bride claims that we can do our own hair and makeup and that the shoes can be shoes we have just as long as they are silver. She keeps pressuring me to go put a deposit on the dress because now everyone else has. I am putting it off to give myself time to think. Since you all think I should just back out that is really making me think that would be the right move because you guys are all unbiased to the situation.

artbyallie

Don't be a doormat! The others are letting themselves be walked all over.

GlamQueenBride

Your friend is very rude and personally, I wouldn't do it if I couldn't afford it. You ALWAYS ask your BMs what they can afford; you don't just pick what you want willy nilly. And if she's requiring a specific color shoe, then she should pay for that as well if someone doesn't have a pair of silver shoes. I'd discuss this with her and I'd consider backing out if that didn't help.

Heffalump

Mrsx3Sleight said:

The other bridesmaids that were against the price are now just going to buy the dress so I am the only one who is still against it. I am definitely considering backing out but at the same time I feel like it makes it harder now that my friends are just buying the dress anyway. The bride claims that we can do our own hair and makeup and that the shoes can be shoes we have just as long as they are silver. She keeps pressuring me to go put a deposit on the dress because now everyone else has. I am putting it off to give myself time to think. Since you all think I should just back out that is really making me think that would be the right move because you guys are all unbiased to the situation.

I usually picture this exact scenario as the flip side whenever I see those "Help, one of my bridesmaids hasn't ordered her dress yet!" posts.  The brides are usually convinced that they've been oh-so-reasonable and accommodating, and literally cannot fathom why one BM hasn't plunked down her money yet.

OP, I totally agree that this is most likely the tip of the iceberg.  Maybe she feels that she's being generous by "letting" you do your own hair and makeup, but if she's not footing the bill, that's a given.  That, plus the dress, plus the shoes are already making my Spidey sense tingle, and you haven't even gotten to parties and forced labor yet.  I'd bow out, honestly, before this gets any worse.

STARMOON44

It just really comes down to whether you can afford it or not. Personally, that's not an expensive dress for me and I'm happy to scrimp elsewhere in the budget for friends' weddings, but that's not a requirement.

I would be careful about how you talk about this to her though. There's a big difference in suggesting she's an inconsiderate princess who has selected a crazy dress and just telling her you can't afford it.

[Deleted User]

This is just a the beginning. If she doesn't consult you on the dress you have to wear, I can only imagine the other demands that will be coming possibly. Like you have to these shoes & you have to wear your hair this way and I want this for my shower and that for my bachelorette party & you all better be prepared to fork out the money for that. Which of course is all wrong for a bride to be doing. So some searching on your own online for different bridal shops to see if you can maybe find a similar dress that is more affordable. If you can find one, maybe the bride would be open with going a slightly different route that would work better for all the BM budget. I know this will sound strange, but check out Target online. If you go under the dress section, they have bridesmaid dress options & they all run under $100. They probably aren't as high quality as some of the big name dress makers, but for a dress that you will only wear once, as long as it looks nice & fits you well, that's what really matters.

MobKaz

Mrsx3Sleight said:

The other bridesmaids that were against the price are now just going to buy the dress so I am the only one who is still against it. I am definitely considering backing out but at the same time I feel like it makes it harder now that my friends are just buying the dress anyway. The bride claims that we can do our own hair and makeup and that the shoes can be shoes we have just as long as they are silver. She keeps pressuring me to go put a deposit on the dress because now everyone else has. I am putting it off to give myself time to think. Since you all think I should just back out that is really making me think that would be the right move because you guys are all unbiased to the situation.

She may make this "claim" at the moment, but her initial lack of consideration makes me think otherwise.

You are absolutely in a very awkward and tight spot.  It has become "two against 1" to a certain extent.  Backing out will be difficult and you will look "bad" compared to the other 2 foolish BM's.  As difficult as it will be, I urge you to stick to YOUR principles.  It WILL get worse.  Those other 2 BM's will be regretting their decision, and no doubt will be calling you to vent about it. 

Trust me when I say you will survive to tell the tale.  And be a better person for it.  Your alternative is to spend the next 8 months with nothing but a pit of dread and regret in your gut.

Knottie59783736

I know I have posted this before but check the price on that dress from Pearlsplace.com, you need to call them for the best price.  I will bet that the dress will now be in your budget, they sell for a lot less.

Knottie1438018253

Sometimes I feel like a bride thinks that if someone says they will be in their wedding that they will be okay with spending whatever the bride wants on their bridesmaid dress. Maybe you could kind of pass the word along, I know that a lot of brides will get their bridesmaids a gift, that maybe she could gift you money towards your dress? And she could do that for all the bridesmaids? A coworker of mine did that for their party, I thought it was a nice gesture.

Knottie1437445399

This is a horrible predicament for sure. Is the bride is going to dictate everything... Style, color, shoes etc., she should pay for it. I have asked my 3 sisters and a niece to be in my wedding. I made it clear that I would pay for the dresses and they could choose whatever suited them style-wise. My only "must" was the color was my choice and if they choose a short dress, I preferred silver shoes. They can do their own hair and make-up and acrylic nails were optional. Most of them don't wear make-up or acrylics. I wanted them to be as comfortable as they could be. I chose them to be in my wedding, therefore they shouldn't be out money for something they'll probably never wear again. I wish you well in your decision. I agree with the others, I think you should bow out gracefully. If you lose a friend over this, I'm not sure it was a firm friendship to begin with.

KnickerGold

Knottie1437445399 said:

This is a horrible predicament for sure. Is the bride is going to dictate everything... Style, color, shoes etc., she should pay for it. I have asked my 3 sisters and a niece to be in my wedding. I made it clear that I would pay for the dresses and they could choose whatever suited them style-wise. My only "must" was the color was my choice and if they choose a short dress, I preferred silver shoes. They can do their own hair and make-up and acrylic nails were optional. Most of them don't wear make-up or acrylics. I wanted them to be as comfortable as they could be. I chose them to be in my wedding, therefore they shouldn't be out money for something they'll probably never wear again. I wish you well in your decision. I agree with the others, I think you should bow out gracefully. If you lose a friend over this, I'm not sure it was a firm friendship to begin with.

Do some brides actually require acrylic nails?!! I mean color is one thing, but acrylics do damage to your nails and if you don't wear them otherwise, your nails may look pretty bad for months!

MandyMost

Talking about money/budgets with friends is always hard. If you say you can't afford it, she's going to see you spending money on other things and be thinking "she said she couldn't spend the money on the dress, but she can get her nails done/go out to dinner/etc." and it harms the friendship. 

What CAN you spend on a dress? Or rather, what CAN you spend on the whole wedding (dress, shower present, wedding present, shoes and accessories, undergarments, hair and makeup, bachelorette events, cohosting a shower, etc.). Maybe you can spare $300 for the whole event...that means you can get the dress, a $20 shower present, a $40 wedding present, and spend $20 on drinks at the bachelorette party. 

I guess I'm suggesting you don't think of it so much as "that's too much money for a dress that I'll wear once" and instead think of it as "how much money am I willing to spend on this wedding total?". 

Knottie1437445399

KnickerGold said:  I have heard from friends that the bride required french tip acrylics for her girls.  They are not healthy which is why I wanted my girls to know that acrylics (or any other fake nail) is not required.

Knottie1437445399 said:

This is a horrible predicament for sure. Is the bride is going to dictate everything... Style, color, shoes etc., she should pay for it. I have asked my 3 sisters and a niece to be in my wedding. I made it clear that I would pay for the dresses and they could choose whatever suited them style-wise. My only "must" was the color was my choice and if they choose a short dress, I preferred silver shoes. They can do their own hair and make-up and acrylic nails were optional. Most of them don't wear make-up or acrylics. I wanted them to be as comfortable as they could be. I chose them to be in my wedding, therefore they shouldn't be out money for something they'll probably never wear again. I wish you well in your decision. I agree with the others, I think you should bow out gracefully. If you lose a friend over this, I'm not sure it was a firm friendship to begin with.

Do some brides actually require acrylic nails?!! I mean color is one thing, but acrylics do damage to your nails and if you don't wear them otherwise, your nails may look pretty bad for months!

artbyallie

MandyMost said:

Talking about money/budgets with friends is always hard. If you say you can't afford it, she's going to see you spending money on other things and be thinking "she said she couldn't spend the money on the dress, but she can get her nails done/go out to dinner/etc." and it harms the friendship. 

What CAN you spend on a dress? Or rather, what CAN you spend on the whole wedding (dress, shower present, wedding present, shoes and accessories, undergarments, hair and makeup, bachelorette events, cohosting a shower, etc.). Maybe you can spare $300 for the whole event...that means you can get the dress, a $20 shower present, a $40 wedding present, and spend $20 on drinks at the bachelorette party. 

I guess I'm suggesting you don't think of it so much as "that's too much money for a dress that I'll wear once" and instead think of it as "how much money am I willing to spend on this wedding total?". 

And what if her budget only has room for $100 total on the wedding? It's none of the bride's business what anyone chooses to spend their money on. Nails/dinner/whatever may be built into her monthly budget as line items and she is in no way required to give those up for any reason. It's never okay for anyone to judge what someone else is willing and able to spend or not.

SP29

Yes, the bride is being rude here. She should have consulted all 3 of you prior to picking a dress to make sure it fit your budgets. No one can tell you how or when to spend your money. 

Unless the bride is paying for hair and make up, she doesn't get to "let you" do your own. 

I agree with a PP on, what are you willing to spend on this wedding?
I would tell your friend, "I am sorry but the dress you have picked is not in my budget. I can afford $X." See if she'll change the dress choice. 

If you can't afford it, you can't. And you shouldn't go into debt for it either. A good friend would not put another into debt. If she won't change the dress, then I would tell her, "I am excited for your wedding, and honoured to be asked to be a bridesmaid but I cannot afford this dress, so if that is the only option then unfortunately I will have to step down". 

I am also worried she'll expect a shower and bachelorette party, and of course expect you to foot some of the bill. But of course you answer is the same- either you CAN'T afford it, or you are willing to contribute $X, not whatever you are told to. 

TheCheeseWench

I'd back out. She is being terribly inconsiderate. Also, you can wear shoes you already have as long as they are silver? I'm sorry, but I don't own silver shoes. I would have to tack that on to the cost as well.