Wedding Etiquette Forum

Help my mom has turned into a MOMZILLA!!!

My fiancee and I have been together for six years and we're getting married on our seven year anniversary. We have been engaged almost two years, and we both get along with our families.

Ever since my fiancee and I began planning our wedding, my mom has been acting really really negatively especially towards me. She's paying half the venue cost and his parents are paying the other half.

Every time I try to speak to her about our wedding and our ideas, she starts screaming at me in my face about how my ideas are crap, and if I say that my fiancee likes it too, then she yells at me about how stupid we are. It's to the point where I feel like I can't even talk about the wedding around her, and it breaks my heart because I even asked her to walk me down the aisle because she means a lot to us both. Every time I've sat her down to try to have a calm conversation about how she is treating me, she screams and calls me stupid and sensitive and acts like I'm not happy to be getting married.

I'm always stressed and it doesn't help that I am still living with her until a few months before the wedding. This is making the planning process miserable for us, and I don't know what to do about my mom without causing a serious backlash.

What should I do???

Re: Help my mom has turned into a MOMZILLA!!!

  • Is your Mom by any chance divorced?  Many divorced ladies are bitter about marriage because of their own experiences.
    It is hard to answer your question without knowing any specifics.  Your post is very vague.  More details would help.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • She has been divorced from my dad for two years. I am not inviting him because neither of us get along with him. She was very supportive of us until I seriously began planning the wedding.

    What details Do you need?
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited November 2015
    I'm not surprised at her reactions if she is recently divorced.  She is probably carrying a world of hurt with her.
    What are her objections?  Does she just dislike marriage in general, or do you have specific plans that she dislikes?  Since she has offered to pay half of the venue costs, she gets a say in your plans.  Could her finances be part of the reason she is objecting?
    You could always scale back your wedding and have a small, simple wedding that you pay for yourselves.  That way, Mom gets no say.
    You are still living with your Mom?  How old are you?  Your photo looks very young.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited November 2015
    My fiancee and I have been together for six years and we're getting married on our seven year anniversary. We have been engaged almost two years, and we both get along with our families. Ever since my fiancee and I began planning our wedding, my mom has been acting really really negatively especially towards me. She's paying half the venue cost and his parents are paying the other half. Every time I try to speak to her about our wedding and our ideas, she starts screaming at me in my face about how my ideas are crap, and if I say that my fiancee likes it too, then she yells at me about how stupid we are. It's to the point where I feel like I can't even talk about the wedding around her, and it breaks my heart because I even asked her to walk me down the aisle because she means a lot to us both. Every time I've sat her down to try to have a calm conversation about how she is treating me, she screams and calls me stupid and sensitive and acts like I'm not happy to be getting married. I'm always stressed and it doesn't help that I am still living with her until a few months before the wedding. This is making the planning process miserable for us, and I don't know what to do about my mom without causing a serious backlash. What should I do???
    J.I.C.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Yeah, relationships with mums can be tough and for some reason weddings seem to bring out a bit of crazy where there wasn't before. It sounds like there must be some underlying issue - you say she is paying for half of the venue, has she confirmed what her budget is? If not, consider the possibility that your suggestions could be out of the realm of what she expected to pay?

    If this is not the case then maybe just dial back the wedding chat for a bit, talk about some normal things and just be mother/daughter for a while. Let things calm down, you and your FI can still go about your business in the background.
                 
  • OP, change your screen name. Internet privacy.
  • Its sounds like a combo of her recent divorce, and now you are going to be moving out. She may just be dreading being alone.  Your going to have to try and talk it out with her, or its going to damage your relationship.
  • What have you been like since becoming engaged?  Do you only talk about the wedding, make comments about how you can't wait to move out, are you taking her ideas in stride?

    You can only control you, what you say and do and how you react to other people.  It sucks to be screamed at, and I'd hope you just quietly excuse yourself from the situation, but I'd also take a deep look internally and try and figure out if I've changed or become wedding crazy since the engagement.  Assuming this is abnormal behavior for her, she's reacting to something, and her reaction is very visceral.  I'd be the bigger person and try and help her figure out what she's lashing out against.
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  • edited November 2015
    breehoelscher said: My fiancee and I have been together for six years and we're getting married on our seven year anniversary. We have been engaged almost two years, and we both get along with our families. Ever since my fiancee and I began planning our wedding, my mom has been acting really really negatively especially towards me. She's paying half the venue cost and his parents are paying the other half. Every time I try to speak to her about our wedding and our ideas, she starts screaming at me in my face about how my ideas are crap, and if I say that my fiancee likes it too, then she yells at me about how stupid we are. It's to the point where I feel like I can't even talk about the wedding around her, and it breaks my heart because I even asked her to walk me down the aisle because she means a lot to us both. Every time I've sat her down to try to have a calm conversation about how she is treating me, she screams and calls me stupid and sensitive and acts like I'm not happy to be getting married. I'm always stressed and it doesn't help that I am still living with her until a few months before the wedding. This is making the planning process miserable for us, and I don't know what to do about my mom without causing a serious backlash. What should I do???

    _____boxes edit___

    If she is paying, she gets to decide how her money is spent. I would decline the money, pay for your wedding yourself, and then you won't have to run your ideas by mom for approval.
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  • Its sounds like a combo of her recent divorce, and now you are going to be moving out. She may just be dreading being alone.  Your going to have to try and talk it out with her, or its going to damage your relationship.

    Do you pay rent? She might be annoyed to be spending money on your wedding, and not getting her way about things, and tired of your wedding after a really long engagement, and ready to stop supporting you!

    Can you move out? If not is there a way you can more concretely contribute to the household if you aren't already? Can you just not talk about the wedding with her unless absolutely necessary?
  • Its sounds like a combo of her recent divorce, and now you are going to be moving out. She may just be dreading being alone.  Your going to have to try and talk it out with her, or its going to damage your relationship.
    This. My (widowed) mom hated it when my sister and I moved out, because it was the first time she lived alone in over 30 years. Hell, she hated it when we were in dorms at college for the same reason. It caused a lot of fights at the time, but in the end, she realized that we were adults and had our own lives to live. With your mom, I could see the recent divorce + wedding + you moving out being a huge stressor for her.

    That said, it doesn't make it right for her to treat you poorly. I'd try to have some empathy for her, but also don't let yourself get pushed around. As @pegasuskat said, talking it out is the best way to do the least damage to your relationship.

    I know it's a tough sell, but a few sessions of family counseling may help immensely, especially if there are other communication issues at work here. (Which it sounds like there are.)
  • I do pay rent and I do a lot around the house and I help with my health insurance cost.

    My fiancee and I are paying for things like flowers, DJ, minister, etc. I just want to share my ideas with her to involve her and spend time with my mom. I do feel like she's afraid of being alone because my brother never helps out, and I usually do everything.

    I feel bad about her feeling lonely, but every time I try to talk about it she shuts down and shouts at me. :(
  • Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it :)
  • Sounds like there are a few underlying things going on. 

    I would stop talking to her about the wedding and try to plan as much as you can with your FI without her. 

    Sometimes unfortunately (s)he who pays, gets a say, so at some point the discuss will need to come up again, but for now I'd let things simmer. 

    Has your mom previously given you a very clear budget of what she is willing to spend? Has she made any guest list requests? These are things you will need to be careful with. Of course you and FI are the ones getting married, but when you do get down to the venue and guest list nitty gritty, mom will have a strong voice in the matter and make sure you are considering it as to avoid further issues. 
  • Is this unusual behavior for her or is this common?
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