Bridesmaid/Groomsmen responsibilities

MWVD

I keep reading these wedding articles talking about thanking your bridesmaids and groomsmen for all the hard work they do for you. This is my second wedding, the first one didn't work out and that was for the best. My current fiance is a much better match for me.
 Anyways, at my last wedding all but one of my Bridesmaids didn't do anything really. They bought the dress and showed up. The one bridesmaid designed me beautiful bridal invites. Also the Groomsmen didn't do anything helpful either. 
With this wedding I am not doing a maid of honor because we are choosing my sister and my fiance's two sisters and on his side my brother and his two brothers. Fiance's family lives out of town but my sister lives in town. I would like her to help but as soon as I brought up wedding colors the day after my engagement, she rolled her eyes so hard I thought they were going to fall out! Any tips on navigating this tension and utilizing my BM and fiance's GM?

holyguacamole79

MWVD said:

I keep reading these wedding articles talking about thanking your bridesmaids and groomsmen for all the hard work they do for you. This is my second wedding, the first one didn't work out and that was for the best. My current fiance is a much better match for me.
 Anyways, at my last wedding all but one of my Bridesmaids didn't do anything really. They bought the dress and showed up. The one bridesmaid designed me beautiful bridal invites. Also the Groomsmen didn't do anything helpful either. 
With this wedding I am not doing a maid of honor because we are choosing my sister and my fiance's two sisters and on his side my brother and his two brothers. Fiance's family lives out of town but my sister lives in town. I would like her to help but as soon as I brought up wedding colors the day after my engagement, she rolled her eyes so hard I thought they were going to fall out! Any tips on navigating this tension and utilizing my BM and fiance's GM?

She really has no responsibilities besides purchasing the dress and coming to the wedding sober. You shouldn't have any need to "utilize" them.

MWVD

holyguacamole79 said:

I keep reading these wedding articles talking about thanking your bridesmaids and groomsmen for all the hard work they do for you. This is my second wedding, the first one didn't work out and that was for the best. My current fiance is a much better match for me.
 Anyways, at my last wedding all but one of my Bridesmaids didn't do anything really. They bought the dress and showed up. The one bridesmaid designed me beautiful bridal invites. Also the Groomsmen didn't do anything helpful either. 
With this wedding I am not doing a maid of honor because we are choosing my sister and my fiance's two sisters and on his side my brother and his two brothers. Fiance's family lives out of town but my sister lives in town. I would like her to help but as soon as I brought up wedding colors the day after my engagement, she rolled her eyes so hard I thought they were going to fall out! Any tips on navigating this tension and utilizing my BM and fiance's GM?

She really has no responsibilities besides purchasing the dress and coming to the wedding sober. You shouldn't have any need to "utilize" them.

That's my question, why do articles always talk about bridesmaids responsibilities? What are they suppose to be? If their only job is suppose to be to show up then why does everything I read mention all the hard work they did, it's not hard to stand there for 20 minutes.  Honest question.

AddieCake

Articles are designed to promote the wedding industry. They get you in the mindset to go Pinterest crazy and buy and do and make ALL! THE! THINGS! and get your WP involved in it wanting to buy and make and do as well. 

Many WP members DO help out with a lot of stuff, but this should be voluntary, not expected.

holyguacamole79

MWVD said:

holyguacamole79 said:

MWVD said:

I keep reading these wedding articles talking about thanking your bridesmaids and groomsmen for all the hard work they do for you. This is my second wedding, the first one didn't work out and that was for the best. My current fiance is a much better match for me.
 Anyways, at my last wedding all but one of my Bridesmaids didn't do anything really. They bought the dress and showed up. The one bridesmaid designed me beautiful bridal invites. Also the Groomsmen didn't do anything helpful either. 
With this wedding I am not doing a maid of honor because we are choosing my sister and my fiance's two sisters and on his side my brother and his two brothers. Fiance's family lives out of town but my sister lives in town. I would like her to help but as soon as I brought up wedding colors the day after my engagement, she rolled her eyes so hard I thought they were going to fall out! Any tips on navigating this tension and utilizing my BM and fiance's GM?

She really has no responsibilities besides purchasing the dress and coming to the wedding sober. You shouldn't have any need to "utilize" them.

That's my question, why do articles always talk about bridesmaids responsibilities? What are they suppose to be? If their only job is suppose to be to show up then why does everything I read mention all the hard work they did, it's not hard to stand there for 20 minutes.  Honest question.


Those articles are generally written by the wedding industry (including the Knot). They want you to buy into the concept that the wedding (and all time leading up to it) is about YOU. We are here to help you keep perspective. Do bridesmaids offer to do things? Sure. We are just saying that you shouldn't expect / demand it.

MWVD

I think I may discuss forgoing bridesmaids all together. It seems like having to do gifts and all this to thank people for standing up wearing a dress of their choosing is kind of an additional stressor that is not really needed. 

Jen4948

MWVD said:

I think I may discuss forgoing bridesmaids all together. It seems like having to do gifts and all this to thank people for standing up wearing a dress of their choosing is kind of an additional stressor that is not really needed. 

The point of asking anyone to be in your wedding party is not to have "help" or "work" but to honor them. The gift is to thank them for being in your wedding party.

You are allowed to designate what they should wear (but not ask them to change their physical appearance in permanent ways such as haircuts, getting rid of tattoos, or losing or gaining weight), but you should pay for anything besides the basic outfit if you ask them to get specific hairstyles, makeup jobs, or accessories.

MWVD

I am not even asking them to buy a new dress. My colors are purple and grey, so as long as they have something purple they can wear it, plus I have a purple dress up for borrowing as well. So that's not to bad. I don't care about hair and make up either as long as their comfortable. I guess that's the thing, I don't really need a wedding party. If I'm doing everything myself and I would have to spend extra just to thank them for showing up, I'm kind of like meh? For my last wedding I did do gifts (nice necklaces). I have plenty of time to decide I just got engaged a week ago. Just trying to figure out my plans now. 

holyguacamole79

MWVD said:

I am not even asking them to buy a new dress. My colors are purple and grey, so as long as they have something purple they can wear it, plus I have a purple dress up for borrowing as well. So that's not to bad. I don't care about hair and make up either as long as their comfortable. I guess that's the thing, I don't really need a wedding party. If I'm doing everything myself and I would have to spend extra just to thank them for showing up, I'm kind of like meh? For my last wedding I did do gifts (nice necklaces). I have plenty of time to decide I just got engaged a week ago. Just trying to figure out my plans now. 

Honestly, it should come down to who you want to stand by your side on your wedding day. The gifts don't have to be a big deal. You could easily give each of them a bottle of wine. I wouldn't let gifts be the reason why you don't have a bridal party.

MWVD

Good idea. I'm not even sure how big a wedding we want yet or anything. Just got engaged on thanksgiving! I'm hoping small!

holyguacamole79

MWVD said:

Good idea. I'm not even sure how big a wedding we want yet or anything. Just got engaged on thanksgiving! I'm hoping small!

Congrats, by the way!

AddieCake

Nobody needs a wedding party, but if there are people you are close with and who you would like standing by your side that day, have a WP.

aurianna

If you have a wedding party then you need to pay for:
-Flowers if you're having them carry any
-A gift for being in the party (does not need to be large or fancy; just a token of appreciation for each person in the form of a small gift they'd like).
-Rehearsal dinner for party and their SOs if you have a rehearsal.

What you get in return is nothing physical and no services/labor, but rather the joy of having the people closest to you stand by your side on the happiest day of your life.

Try not to think of it as "well I'm paying my bridal party in presents and getting nothing in return!"
Rather think of it as "I want to give the people I love the honor of a title and thank them for standing with me."


You definitely don't need to have a bridal party. There isn't a requirement to have one (there's also no requirement that sides be even or that it's only girls on one side and guys on the other. aka your brothers could stand with you and his eye rolling sister can stand with him).
The only rules are: once you've asked someone to be in your party, you can't take it back. So if you're unsure if you want to have one, don't even suggest to people that you might ask them to be in it. And you pick your side while he picks his. You may not want people on your side, but if he wants people on his, that's his choice.

You've got the right idea about having plenty of time. Don't ask anyone until you're about 9 months away from your wedding.

Good luck and gratz on your engagement!

glasgowtolondon

I've been a bridesmaid about 5 times now and honestly it wasn't until I came to The Knot that I realised being a BM didn't come with a list of responsibilities. There have been some weddings where I've helped out way more than I should have had to, but it was expected of me. At the time I remember thinking that being a BM wasn't really much of an honour, but hey 'that's what you signed up for'. Now I realise why I felt a bit shitty - I was being treated in a shitty, entitled way. I don't want to do the same to my WP, and now I know better, I won't.

BTW, one of these couples I am still close with but it has colored slightly how I look at them. One of the other couples I just straight up don't see anymore. I started to realise this behaviour was standard for them and that it wasn't a friendship worth maintaining.

Teddy917

IMO the gifts are less for what they do for the wedding and more about saying thanks for being an important person in your life.

CMGragain

MWVD said:

I am not even asking them to buy a new dress. My colors are purple and grey, so as long as they have something purple they can wear it, plus I have a purple dress up for borrowing as well. So that's not to bad. I don't care about hair and make up either as long as their comfortable. I guess that's the thing, I don't really need a wedding party. If I'm doing everything myself and I would have to spend extra just to thank them for showing up, I'm kind of like meh? For my last wedding I did do gifts (nice necklaces). I have plenty of time to decide I just got engaged a week ago. Just trying to figure out my plans now. 

Wow!  We get so many posts from brides who are anxious to include everybody in their wedding.  Here is a bride who doesn't want to honor anybody!
Do yourself and everyone else a favor, @MWVD.  Elope.

MWVD

@scribe95 @CMGragain  I think you misunderstood my post. It was just a question regarding what/if any expectations should be made by myself or by the people in my wedding. I don't see any need to be rude to me. Maybe I didn't word it the best way, but I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt when interacting online,especially because nuance and tone doesn't always translate well through internet forums. 

Have a great day !

CMGragain

MWVD said:

@scribe95 @CMGragain  I think you misunderstood my post. It was just a question regarding what/if any expectations should be made by myself or by the people in my wedding. I don't see any need to be rude to me. Maybe I didn't word it the best way, but I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt when interacting online,especially because nuance and tone doesn't always translate well through internet forums. 

Have a great day !

Your posts come off as very rude.  You are more concerned with yourself than with other people who will be invited to your wedding, whether they are attendants, or guests.  The "What should they do for ME" attitude is very unattractive.  I sincerely hope that you haven't talked to anyone this way about your wedding.  It makes you look very self centered.
I was not being rude when I suggested eloping.  Most of the women in my family have had very romantic and happy elopements, and there are many ladies on this board who have done this.  It solves a lot of problems, saves money, and you can have everything your way.

[Deleted User]

Best advise, don't utilize anyone for anything. I found that my not including the parents or bridal party members in any decision making processes, I basically had no stress when planning my wedding. We paid for everything ourselves, with the exception of my dress which my parents wanted to gift me since we were paying for everything else ourselves and my in laws insisted on hosting the rehersal dinner. The one thing I did take into consideration on colors was what color would look best on my BM because depending on skin tone & hair color, not everyone can pull off every color. I wanted a color that would compliment everyone. I did the reception planning, vendor picking, invites, etc with only the help of my now husband. It was great not having to listen to all the different opinions. I gave everyone a day of schedule so they just had to show up dressed. My BM opted on their own to throw me a shower, only input I had in that was the guest list. Day of wedding, only thing I asked of my BM was to help me get into my dress and then later to bustle it. I tried to keep things very simple in regards to their responsibilities so they could just relax and enjoy the day. The only interactions my BM & GM had were at the rehersal & dinner & then day of the wedding, even that was limited because at the reception they all went & sat with their SO's. Now if the BM decide to throw you a shower & a bachelorette party, how much work they put into that is all on them. They did ask me for input on my bachelorette party and I told them I wanted something simple and nothing crazy out on the town. I asked for that because I knew half of my friends aren't into that & also many didn't have the money either. So we had a girls night in with snacks & every guest was asked to bring a bottle of wine and we did a wine tasting event while watching chick flicks. It was a great night & ended up being perfect as I woke up the next day with a 102 fever & ended up on heavy duty antibiotics for the next week and half leading up to my wedding.