Babies at Reception?

[Deleted User]

Hello,

We are having a mini destination wedding in the Catskills. Our family and friends are mostly coming from 3+ hours away, and everyone will be staying onsite. Some people are coming for Friday and Saturday nights, others just for Saturday ( the day of the wedding).

We have about six friends/family members with babies (under 2). They don't have any childcare options for overnight care (and some are breastfeeding) and we want them to be there.

We are going to have a babysitter that will stay with older children in a separate area during our reception.

Our reception starts at 7pm, which is the time many of the young babies go to sleep. 

My question is - do you think parents will be comfortable leaving their under 2-year-olds with a sitter? Would the babies all sleep in a space with the sitters? What about the older children? 

We feel like we have to invite the babies and children, especially as we are inviting people for the entire weekend and because of the distance people will have to stay over. We also don't want the guest to basically not come to the reception because they need to watch their baby (we also have a very tight guest list). 

Any advice? 

Thanks!

Jen4948

I think you're going to get a lot of responses that parents will NEVER leave their children with babysitters they don't know, let alone have personally approved, and that if you invite anyone of any age, even infants, to the ceremony, they must also be invited to the reception.

Unfortunately, with such people, it's an all-or-none situation.

artbyallie

kimdevo6 said:

Hello,

We are having a mini destination wedding in the Catskills. Our family and friends are mostly coming from 3+ hours away, and everyone will be staying onsite. Some people are coming for Friday and Saturday nights, others just for Saturday ( the day of the wedding).

We have about six friends/family members with babies (under 2). They don't have any childcare options for overnight care (and some are breastfeeding) and we want them to be there.

We are going to have a babysitter that will stay with older children in a separate area during our reception.

Our reception starts at 7pm, which is the time many of the young babies go to sleep. 

My question is - do you think parents will be comfortable leaving their under 2-year-olds with a sitter? Would the babies all sleep in a space with the sitters? What about the older children? 

We feel like we have to invite the babies and children, especially as we are inviting people for the entire weekend and because of the distance people will have to stay over. We also don't want the guest to basically not come to the reception because they need to watch their baby (we also have a very tight guest list). 

Any advice? 

Thanks!

You cannot force people to leave their babies or older children with a sitter. You cannot ban children invited to your wedding to a separate room. Invite everyone and let the parents make their own decisions regarding their children. Or don't invite children if you don't want them there and just address the invitations to the parents, letting them decide if they want to leave their kids at home with a sitter or decline.

Also, can you explain what 'for the entire weekend' means? Please and thank you.

holyguacamole79

I agree with @artbyallie . I don't have children of my own, but if I did, I would not be comfortable leaving them with a sitter hired by someone else. Let the parents know what the logistics are for the evening and let them decide what to do regarding their children. You also can't force the older children to go with a sitter.

pinupbride6189

I agree with artbyallie. You can't make parenting decisions for these people. You can either invite their children to the entire event, or you can not invite their children at all, and the let parents make the decision that best fits their situation.

I'm also curious about how many children the sitter is going to be responsible for. You say six guests have children under two years. So if these parents do leave their kids with the sitter, that's at least six young children to one sitter, plus an unspecified number of older kids. So you have one person, providing care for probably over 10 kids of varying ages, some of which are going to need constant attention. Idk, just seems like a recipe for a mess.

SP29

While I think it is a nice gesture to have the offer of a sitter, I agree that you cannot force your friends to use the sitter.

If you have a room with a sitter and a bunch of older kids, those kids are going to be playing, probably a bit loud in a group. Unlikely that small children and babies will easily sleep in that same room. I imagine parents will either keep the baby with them, one or both parents leave early to put baby to sleep, or they may leave their children back at home with a family member. In case, that is up to the parents to decide. 

I would invite your guests with their children (which includes both ceremony and reception) and let the parents decide from there. You can of course let your guests know you will have a sitter and what set up that will include, but it is an offer as a courtesy, not a requirement. 

P.S. If you really don't want children at your wedding (which is both ceremony and reception), that is 100% OK. List only the adults' names on the invite. However, realize that individuals with children may decline the invitation because of childcare- so I think you realize where that puts you. 

[Deleted User]

Thanks for all the responses!

I think what makes sense is to offer a sitter who will be nearby In fact, we're happy to have the kids come in and out of the reception even- we just don't want to the parents to feel like they have to be monitoring their children all night and can't enjoy themselves. 

Just a few things to clarify-

1) The entire weekend- the wedding is a weekend event (for those who wish to attend for the weekend). Family and friends are invited to come up Friday and Saturday nights and throughout the weekend there will be guided hikes, a lake for swimming and boating activities, bonfires in the evening etc. We have exclusive rights of a beautiful estate with 200 acres with rooms available to stay in. 

2) Children and sitters - we will have more than one babysitter- the number we get will depend on the number of children that RSVP. I am a teacher and the babysitters we hire will be assistant teachers from my school - very well qualified and screened. If a parent doesn't want to leave the child with the sitter, the children do have the option of coming to the reception. 

3) My real worry is with the babies- many of the parents have their children on very strict sleeping schedules and put their children to bed at 7pm (when the reception starts). I guess it's up to the families then - but what do you think parents will do in that situation? One parent will go to the reception and the other will put the child to bed? I guess that's their choice- 

monkeysip

H and I brought DD to an out of town wedding when she was almost 1.  Not only would we probably not feel comfortable with a babysitter then, but I highly doubt a babysitter would've been able to get DD to sleep or anything.  The reception started around 6, and I think we stayed until a little past 8 so we could try to get to the hotel and get DD down by 9.  So some bedtimes might not be as early as you think. We were able to have dinner, see dances, speeches, and cake-cutting.

Really, all you can do is give the parents the information and options, and let them decide what they want to do.  Or not invite their children at all (which of course, is an acceptable option, but might mean the parents don't come).  

Don't overthink this too much.

holyguacamole79

kimdevo6 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

I think what makes sense is to offer a sitter who will be nearby In fact, we're happy to have the kids come in and out of the reception even- we just don't want to the parents to feel like they have to be monitoring their children all night and can't enjoy themselves. 

Just a few things to clarify-

1) The entire weekend- the wedding is a weekend event (for those who wish to attend for the weekend). Family and friends are invited to come up Friday and Saturday nights and throughout the weekend there will be guided hikes, a lake for swimming and boating activities, bonfires in the evening etc. We have exclusive rights of a beautiful estate with 200 acres with rooms available to stay in. 

2) Children and sitters - we will have more than one babysitter- the number we get will depend on the number of children that RSVP. I am a teacher and the babysitters we hire will be assistant teachers from my school - very well qualified and screened. If a parent doesn't want to leave the child with the sitter, the children do have the option of coming to the reception. 

3) My real worry is with the babies- many of the parents have their children on very strict sleeping schedules and put their children to bed at 7pm (when the reception starts). I guess it's up to the families then - but what do you think parents will do in that situation? One parent will go to the reception and the other will put the child to bed? I guess that's their choice- 

My sister has a 6 month old. There's pretty much no way she's leaving him with a sitter. I would expect most of the parents of babies will have one parent stay at the reception and the other take the baby to bed.

I've honestly never understood the concept of hiring a babysitter at a wedding. If parents bring their children, they know (hopefully) how to enjoy themselves and keep an eye on the kids.

SP29

I wouldn't worry about it.

Besides literally asking each of your friends what they are going to do with their baby, you won't know. Some may feel comfortable keeping baby at the reception, particularly if it sleeps well. Some might keep baby awake a bit longer and stay for a bit. Others might leave. I think it'll also depend at the time- if baby is fussy, they might have to go where as if baby is sleeping quietly they can stay.

Point being- let the parents figure it out, and go with the flow! While it's nice to offer a sitter, you have no control over what happens (the parents have no control if little one gets fussy ), so don't worry about it. 

artbyallie

I wouldn't want to participate in additional activities and would likely just attend the wedding and reception, but as long as you are providing the accommodations freely to your guests (we've had people ask before about charging their wedding guests to stay!) you're in the clear etiquette-wise.

I also really doubt any parent would expect or want to leave their child of any age with a sitter at a wedding. Most weddings I've attended that children were invited to, they were there with their parents. The babies stayed in carriers/wraps/whatever and the rest hit the dance floor with the adult guests.

Assuming the number of actual infants is small, you could call their parents individually to mention your options for sitters and their credentials. Just don't make any assumptions about what they will want to do regarding their children's sleep schedules.

MobKaz

My DD and her husband were invited to an OOT (about 5 hours north) wedding this past summer.  We used it as an excuse to have a long weekend mini vacation.  The wedding was VERY family focused and children were invited.  But DD knew that LO would not last much past 7:00PM.  My husband and I met them at the wedding reception shortly after dinner finished and took LO back to the hotel with us.

kimdevo6, would there be additional rooms available if any guests wanted to do something similar?

MesmrEwe

I'd talk to the six people specifically and see what they have to say.  It's one thing if I know the sitter is doing this for some side money and works in a reputable daycare center for a living, OTOH, as the previous posters have said, Joe Schmo for a babysitter not someplace that's say the next room over - no... 

A lot also depends on the child and what phase they're in.  There've been weddings we've been at with the kids that it's after 10 before we took off because the kids were having a great time and we lost track of time.  Then others that just getting there was a miracle.  The afternoon nap time is going to be something that will be the harder of the two times.  Afternoon nap is the key determining factor in all things babies/toddlers, and yes, this time of day out-ranks your wedding, don't take it personally, sanity is important to parents...

[Deleted User]

IF we RSVP'd we are coming.. we probably won't make the decision until that night what to do with our child. It would depend on her mood and how tired she was. We'd probably only stay till 8ish though but we also aren't able to stay up much past 9 anymore

banana468

There really isn't a one size fits all solution here.

I will say that if you want to recommend sitters, I would do more than say, "They're friends of the 18 yo sister of the bride."   That was something that my BIL and SIL did when they got married and babysitting services were provided but their reception was NOT open to children.   It worked for those who used them but many people simply declined to attend.   In their situation, it was also a long trip for many on the groom's side.     It didn't seem like a big deal to me at the time but now that I'm a parent, who I leave my child with is a HUGE responsibility.

I use a licensed daycare for a reason.   They go through rigorous state inspections, have instructors receiving education on childcare and they're trained in how to handle emergencies.   That isn't the case for your average babysitter.   And if you're talking about a child too young to communicate effectively with words, the training of the sitter is even more important since a 1 yo can't say, "I think I fell and broke my leg." 

When DH and I decide to attend a wedding, we're most likely not going to use the sitters provided unless we're informed about the credentials and we can vet the people ourselves.   I would hope that makes sense to everyone.   I don't just stay in the hotel that the B&G recommend without at least looking at the place online and the safety of my kids is paramount.   

When it comes to how kids are at night, it really depends.  And every perfect kid has an off day.   My son was a non stop whiner when we went to my grandmother's funeral a few months ago.   He's normally good-natured but the kid couldn't get put down and it was really annoying.   The mood continued until 8 PM and then he was DONE.   He went down and PTFO in his crib.   

And older kids can be pretty unpredictable too.   DD is pretty great most of the time but after a few nights together with her cousin, the two started to fight like siblings.  And it's a TON of fun to break up fights with kids on a swing set.

My point: dealing with kids is all about going with the flow.   There isn't a formula that works for one kid so it certainly won't work for all.    If they're welcomed to your event, be flexible.   Everyone will thank you for it. 

Note: I don't think you have to invite kids and I'll be the first one to attend an adult reception.   But when kids are mixed in just a bit as welcome, just welcome them entirely.   It's just too much of a pain to attempt to micromanage something that no parent can. 

delujm0

I have a 6 month old who breastfeeds.  If we do not start her bedtime routine (bath, feeding, bed) by 6:30, 6:45 at the latest, she starts to ABSOLUTELY LOSE IT.  For me, personally, DH and i would probably come for the weekend, and then either:

A. only one of us would come to the reception (whichever of us you were related to if we're related, or whichever of us is your primary friend) or

B. I would go back to the room during the cocktail hour (since you say everyone is staying on site, this should be easy) and put the baby to sleep...i would have lined up a sitter to then come and sit in the room with her during the reception.  I'd either bring along a relative to watch her, or I'd have called the resort to ask about contacts.  Or I'd call you and ask for a referral.  But I wouldn't leave her in a room with a bunch of other kids during the reception, even to sleep...as i said, she absolutely loses her mind if we don't put her to bed on time, and i don't know that she'd be able to sleep in those conditions.  A little annoying?  Sure.  but i'll take it because i have a baby that loves to sleep at night.

 

Unfortunately, no matter how important the parents are to you, and how much you want them there, if they have small children they just might not be able to come no matter what you have done to accomodate them.  Don't take it personally.  Priorities change when kids get involved.  We are taking our daughter to a wedding in FL when she will be 10 months old; DH's family rented a house that is walking distance from the venue, so we will all go to the ceremony and then myself, SIL, MIL, and the kids (3 between 4 months and 2 years old) will all go back to the house, execute bedtimes, and then have a rotation on who is at the reception when, so that we all at least get to eat dinner and put in an appearance.  This is a fairly involved routine though and we're doing it because the bride is DH's cousin who grew up as more of a sister, and SIL is in the wedding party.  If this was some random family friend, we wouldn't go (or DH would go alone or something).

KnickerGold

Ok, so you're having assistant teachers from your school do a 6 hour RT for your wedding, that they're not invited to? I do hope you're paying them for the hours they're babysitting AND the hours they're there not babysitting. Plus, what if you're told beforehand that 3 kids will need babysitting, but then day of 10 show up to the room/location? What happens then?

Maggie0829

holyguacamole79 said:

 I've honestly never understood the concept of hiring a babysitter at a wedding. If parents bring their children, they know (hopefully) how to enjoy themselves and keep an eye on the kids.

So much this.  Parents can decide for themselves what is best for them and their child.  So just invite them and let them be the parents and figure things out for their kid themselves.

I know people feel like they are being helpful by picking out babysitters or what not, but really it just comes off as you not really wanting kids at your wedding and this is just a subtle/nice way of saying that.

aurianna

If I had a child that was still young enough to be breast feeding no way would I leave her alone with a sitter I don't know (and I'd personally need more credentials than "teacher." I taught at a summer camp for two years and handle kids and teens well.. but I was in no way qualified to watch a baby).

Does your area have any laws about this sort of thing? In my state, it's no more than 4 children under 2 years old, per caretaker.

Also... for any parents that do take you up on the sitter during the reception, where will they put the babies? Will you have cribs / bassinets supplied? Or is that something the parents will need to cart to the reception? Car seats and bouncers are not meant to be slept in, because if an infant isn't properly secured in them and slides down it can cut off his airway. (you don't need to supply these things but have the question ready to be answered if asked).

poodledoodleooo

Not a parent, but I probably wouldn't leave my kids in a separate room with a babysitter I don't know. I get nervous even dropping my dog off at doggy daycare (and even then, they have a webcam). Most of the kids at my wedding were major dancers (there was around 30ish kids under 10) and it was plenty of entertainment for them! Plus, and who would have thought, the parents/grandparents/uncles/aunts/friends LOVED dancing with the kids.  The babies mostly just slept and the parents would either pass their child onto another trusted friend or relative when they wanted to dance, or they would dance with their infant, or just sit and talk with others. They all still enjoyed the reception - I promise!

One thing that was awesome - my husband's cousin who has a rather large clan brought a ton of coloring books, crayons, construction paper, stickers, etc to keep the children entertained. She was awesome and welcomed any child to come color at her table. This turned out to be great for those that weren't too into dancing or for the cocktail hour when the dancing wasn't happening. I wish I had thought of it myself! Instead of doing a full baby sitter in a separate room, I would suggest trying to set aside a coloring or activity corner, possibly supervised by one of your sitters. That way they are still in the same room as mom and dad so they can keep an eye on the kids and the kids can stop by and do an activity, or not, if they choose.

charlotte989875

I'm going to echo what PPs have said. We had OOT guests with young children and had an adult only reception. The out of town cousins contacted the in town cousins with young children and made their own arrangements. No need for H and I to get involved especially when we don't even have kids. Make the decision about whether you want to have children at the wedding (both ceremony and reception, not one or the other) and then let parents decide. You can have recommendations available if people need advice, but most likely they'll prefer to make their own plans.

[Deleted User]

Only baby we invited was 4 month old of my niece. She was still breast feeding her daughter. So leaving the baby at home for 3 day with the other grandma, wasn't an option. It's one thing to ask someone to take care of your baby who you are nursing for a night, but for 3 days I think is a bit much, and I don't even have kids and that's my opinion on the matter.

flantastic

I was just a BM in two weddings when my DD was 7 weeks and 10 weeks old, respectively. I could go into a lot of details, but in short, we figured it out and DD spent most of the receptions sleeping in a baby carrier on DH with earplugs in.

If we had not found a way to figure it out, we would have declined, and the offer of babysitting would not have changed that. Said offer likely wouldn't, but might have been a difference-maker with an older child. Either way, gotta let the parents parent.

TheCheeseWench

My BIL and SIL were both in our wedding, along with their 3yo (FG) and 5yo (RB). They have a 9 month old baby. All 3 kids came to the reception. Parents took turns holding the baby (who slept on and off), and the other 2 hung out with them. FG even took a long nap on one of the tables. It was fine. When the kids made it clear it was time for bed, they grabbed the next shuttle to the hotel and went off to do the parent thing. All was good.

MandyMost

The only way to have a babysitter at a wedding is to do it totally optionally, as it sounds like you are. However, I don't think you can't expect anyone to RSVP to using it ahead of time. Just like it's nice to put out late-night snacks, for example, it's nice to have an area for the kids to play in. Totally unnecessary, but a little extra thing to up everyone's enjoyment of the event. I picture it like a bouncy house at a kid's birthday party--kids will be in it having a blast, then they'll be out eating cake and opening presents, etc. The babysitter room is like the bouncy house--someplace for them to be a little rowdy and relax, vs. the structured environment of the wedding. It shouldn't be billed as "babysitting", but rather as a monitored kid's playroom during the reception.

As for the babies, I think you should invite them and let the parents decide. A babysitter who's monitoring "big kids" play isn't going to be able to also babysit a sleeping infant. 

We invited a few people with infants to our wedding--one was local and they had a babysitter for a few hours; a few didn't attend; and one brought her mom along with them just to watch the baby while she attended the wedding (she was a bridesmaid). I honestly wouldn't expect most people with infants to go to an out-of-town wedding unless the person was particularly important to them AND they had the spare cash to make it happen.