Fiance + his Daughter: differing thoughts on TV, food, etc... (long post)

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

FI and I have been together for 3.5 years. I knew when we started dating that he had a daughter (Brooke; I've known her since she was 1 year old) and accepted that him and her were a package deal when entering a relationship with him. Brooke and I have a great relationship. We get excited to see each other and enjoy spending time together. We love each other and she understands the relationship her father and I have. She is excited that we are getting married and is always asking when we are going to have a baby (not for a few years, hopefully lol).


However, FI and I have differing opinions on a few things...

I think Brooke watches too much TV/movies. He doesn't see an issue with it because that is how he spends his time when he's not working. It is common for her to ONLY watch TV/movies when we have her. She has a TV in her room, which I think is totally unnecessary (she's 5!!) and he puts a movie on for her every night in her room for her to fall asleep to. He also watches TV in our bedroom to fall asleep to, so he does not see an issue with Brooke doing the same. The TV is constantly on in our apt and she is constantly distracted by it and it can be an issue during meal times and when we are trying to get ready to go out. I do turn off the TV when I believe it is becoming too much of a distraction. My compromise with the TV at night is that I put the timer on so that it will turn off after whatever amount of time I set it to.


Now for food. He provides the classic kids food for her: mac n cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, spaghettios, pop, etc... I provide for her fruits, veggies, sandwiches, yogurt, etc... Brooke is a very good eater and enjoys a wide variety of food; she is hardly picky. We have a compromise where if I DO purchase the classic kids food for her I get the brands that feature better quality/organic ingredients. FI doesn't care about that kind of stuff, which I don't understand. It bothers me that he doesn't take more interest in her nutrition and thinks it's ok to provide her those classic kids foods all the time.


Those are the main 2 things that really irk me about how he raises his daughter. We both understand that FI has more authority than I do in how he raises her; however, he does value my opinion and occasionally takes it into consideration. I have come a long way in not getting all worked up when FI gives Brooke food lacking any kind of nutrition or when he allows her to watch TV all day. It does still bother me, but I am getting better at accepting that these are his choices and the most I can do is suggest to Brooke that she/we do something else or offer her better choices when I am the one providing her meals/snacks.

I am just wondering if anyone else has had this experience with your significant other's/your children. How do you handle the differing opinions? I know comprise is the answer, but I know FI does not hold up his end of the two compromises mentioned above; he does not buy the better quality versions of kid's food and he does not bother putting the timer on the TV at night; which I suppose doesn't really make it a compromise, does it?

We have discussed these issues, but he tends to get defensive and irritated. I know that when we have children together these will be issues that we will HAVE to work out and compromise together on. I do want to talk to him more about these things and I plan on doing so. I am not going to wait until we have kids to address these things either.

I'm just looking for some advice, other's experience...I also just needed to vent a little.

Thanks for reading!

kimmiinthemitten

Jax43615 said:

FI and I have been together for 3.5 years. I knew when we started dating that he had a daughter (Brooke; I've known her since she was 1 year old) and accepted that him and her were a package deal when entering a relationship with him. Brooke and I have a great relationship. We get excited to see each other and enjoy spending time together. We love each other and she understands the relationship her father and I have. She is excited that we are getting married and is always asking when we are going to have a baby (not for a few years, hopefully lol).


However, FI and I have differing opinions on a few things...

I think Brooke watches too much TV/movies. He doesn't see an issue with it because that is how he spends his time when he's not working. It is common for her to ONLY watch TV/movies when we have her. She has a TV in her room, which I think is totally unnecessary (she's 5!!) and he puts a movie on for her every night in her room for her to fall asleep to. He also watches TV in our bedroom to fall asleep to, so he does not see an issue with Brooke doing the same. The TV is constantly on in our apt and she is constantly distracted by it and it can be an issue during meal times and when we are trying to get ready to go out. I do turn off the TV when I believe it is becoming too much of a distraction. My compromise with the TV at night is that I put the timer on so that it will turn off after whatever amount of time I set it to.


Now for food. He provides the classic kids food for her: mac n cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, spaghettios, pop, etc... I provide for her fruits, veggies, sandwiches, yogurt, etc... Brooke is a very good eater and enjoys a wide variety of food; she is hardly picky. We have a compromise where if I DO purchase the classic kids food for her I get the brands that feature better quality/organic ingredients. FI doesn't care about that kind of stuff, which I don't understand. It bothers me that he doesn't take more interest in her nutrition and thinks it's ok to provide her those classic kids foods all the time.


Those are the main 2 things that really irk me about how he raises his daughter. We both understand that FI has more authority than I do in how he raises her; however, he does value my opinion and occasionally takes it into consideration. I have come a long way in not getting all worked up when FI gives Brooke food lacking any kind of nutrition or when he allows her to watch TV all day. It does still bother me, but I am getting better at accepting that these are his choices and the most I can do is suggest to Brooke that she/we do something else or offer her better choices when I am the one providing her meals/snacks.

I am just wondering if anyone else has had this experience with your significant other's/your children. How do you handle the differing opinions? I know comprise is the answer, but I know FI does not hold up his end of the two compromises mentioned above; he does not buy the better quality versions of kid's food and he does not bother putting the timer on the TV at night; which I suppose doesn't really make it a compromise, does it?

We have discussed these issues, but he tends to get defensive and irritated. I know that when we have children together these will be issues that we will HAVE to work out and compromise together on. I do want to talk to him more about these things and I plan on doing so. I am not going to wait until we have kids to address these things either.

I'm just looking for some advice, other's experience...I also just needed to vent a little.

Thanks for reading!

I dated and lived with a guy who had kids. First I think you and FI should sit down and discuss your role in her life and what his expectations are of you as an adult in her life/home.

Perhaps he doesn't take your opinions into consideration because he doesn't see you as a third parent. Or maybe he does and because he hasn't said it out loud he doesn't realize that by silencing your opinion, he's taking away your authority as a parental figure.

Also, figure out how to have this conversation, even if it includes a counselor, because you will/should revisit this as she gets older and goes through different stages.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

He does view me as a parental figure for Brooke (he's said this directly to me); but I'm wondering if perhaps our thoughts of what a "parental figure" are different, which hadn't occurred to me before just now. He does see me as a good influence for Brooke, as he has told me this many times, but that doesn't necessarily make me a parental figure.

Edited to fix grammar

themosthappy91

Well, I am definitely no expert on this because I do not have kids or step-kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

My opinion is that, while your FI and Brooke's mother will always have the final word on parenting her, if I were you I would be wary about entering into a dynamic where I have so little say in the equation.

You don't mention how much of the time y'all have Brooke, but that would also be a factor for me. If you have primary custody of her you are responsible for her well-being for the majority of her life and therefore should have close to the same amount of say as her biological parents.

I agree with you that it's ridiculous and detrimental for a five year old to watch unlimited TV and have one in her room. I also agree it's hard to make that case when your FI does the same thing, and I have to ask- are you happy with the fact that that's how HE spends all his leisure time? Maybe you could encourage a family-wide initiative to cut back on TV time... but honestly you might just need to put your foot down and say "Sometimes adults get to do things kids don't do." You see it affecting her attention issues and I think you have every right to get more hard-line about limits on TV time.

As for the food issue... first of all, I tend to agree with your FI that it really doesn't matter if you're buying organic macaroni and cheese or not. Beyond that, I think I need more info- why is your FI making her a separate meal if she's an adventurous eater and willing to eat what you're eating? That just seems like unnecessary work. 

Overall though, I think you need to have a big talk with your FI about your roles as parents to Brooke and him respecting that you get a say and he needs to support you in that. I would pump the breaks on moving forward with wedding planning until you are at a better place with these issues. 

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

themosthappy91 said:

Well, I am definitely no expert on this because I do not have kids or step-kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

My opinion is that, while your FI and Brooke's mother will always have the final word on parenting her, if I were you I would be wary about entering into a dynamic where I have so little say in the equation. I don't necessarily feel as if I have "so little say," but I think what I feel is that when I DO express my opinion/thoughts, they are not taken with as much seriousness as his own opinions/thoughts, which seems ok since he is her father and I am not biologically related to her. I'm not sure if that is logical thinking or just me coming up with a reason to not get worked up about it.

You don't mention how much of the time y'all have Brooke, but that would also be a factor for me. If you have primary custody of her you are responsible for her well-being for the majority of her life and therefore should have close to the same amount of say as her biological parents. We get her every other weekend. Her mother has full custody. I do understand that they both have final say in everything and that my opinion really means nothing when they are set in what they say (at least that is how it feels sometimes). 

I agree with you that it's ridiculous and detrimental for a five year old to watch unlimited TV and have one in her room. I also agree it's hard to make that case when your FI does the same thing, and I have to ask- are you happy with the fact that that's how HE spends all his leisure time? No, I don't particularly like that he spends all of his leisure time watching TV, but he is a grown man. I don't feel like I have much or any say in how he spends his time; nor should I. It's not my choice/decision. Maybe you could encourage a family-wide initiative to cut back on TV time... he would deem this unnecessary   but honestly you might just need to put your foot down and say "Sometimes adults get to do things kids don't do." You see it affecting her attention issues and I think you have every right to get more hard-line about limits on TV time. In terms of me limiting TV, he has said that she can watch whatever she wants whenever she wants and that it's not an issue. This is one of those examples where he sees his authority trumping my opinion; I think mainly because he watches TV all the time and sees no problem with her doing the same. IMO, it's setting a bad example and setting her up for some lazy habits (and yes, I do watch TV all afternoon sometimes, but not as often as FI and Brooke do)

As for the food issue... first of all, I tend to agree with your FI that it really doesn't matter if you're buying organic macaroni and cheese or not. Beyond that, I think I need more info- why is your FI making her a separate meal if she's an adventurous eater and willing to eat what you're eating? That just seems like unnecessary work. We don't make her a separate dinner and when we do have her I make sure we have a homemade dinner I know she would enjoy. Lunches are separate because we don't usually eat that meal together as a family. I try to make snacks/other meals nutritious while he will feed her only mac n cheese or only spaghettios. That's not healthy for anyone. I guess I just see it like if she truly enjoys a wide variety of healthy foods, why not give those to her the majority of the time, with some of the junky stuff every once in a while? She gets junky stuff the majority of the time when she is with her mother.

Overall though, I think you need to have a big talk with your FI about your roles as parents to Brooke and him respecting that you get a say and he needs to support you in that. I would pump the breaks on moving forward with wedding planning until you are at a better place with these issues. I disagree with this, but I understand why you suggest it. I would not have any (planned) children with him until these issues were resolved though; I love him and we do have a great relationship. His daughter loves spending time with us and asks her mother about coming over here more often. I definitely want to have a more in-depth conversation about this with my FI. It, unfortunately, always turns into one of us getting defensive and hitting a dead-end. He seems to not see it as much of an issue as I do.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

@scribe95 Yeah, I have finally began coming to terms of letting go of the food thing. It is something I am working through, because it really used to get me upset and cause issues. I have realized that I can really only really control what I offer her and make sure she gets a good, balanced dinner when we do have her.

One problem with the TV issue, is that I have not had the time to do some of those activities with her. I go to school full-time and work 30-35 hours a week, which always include every weekend. So, really, a lot of the time it is up to FI to get her to do something besides watch TV, but that ain't happening. Even today, FI and her are going to see The Good Dinosaur (wish I could go!) and she asked if she could go for a bike ride after. FI immediately said no because it's too cold. Granted, it is cool out, but by the time they get back it'll be the warmest part of the day and it won't be bad if she's wearing a coat. She finally mentions wanting to do something other than saying "what are we watching next?" and he shoots it down. I cut in right away and mentioned that if she wears her coat she'll be fine; but I don't see the bike ride happening. FI said "why don't you take her?" in a half joking/serious tone...I'm sorry but I am working on finals/projects that are due next week and I will be at a catering event from 1pm-10pm. Ugh! That frustrated me so much.

I will be on winter break soon though, so I plan on doing a lot of activities with her and I am excited to buy her crafty/project-type gifts for Christmas and giving her more engaging activities to do.

SP29

I can see why both issues bother you- they'd bother me too.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some chicken nuggets and french fries, but I don't see how this whole, "It's a kids meal!" thing started, nor why children get catered to in this way. Fortunately for you, Brooke likes various foods, so I would stick with your plan of making those healthy meals when you're around. Who does the grocery shopping? If it is you, could you stock the house with only healthy options? 

I get the frustration with Brooke- because you aren't her mother- and with her living mainly with her mother, and her mother encouraging those same behaviours, it is hard to change anything. It's also a fine line to step in and parent someone else's child, particularly if you are doing something that the other parent(s) see as criticizing. 

But I think this goes beyond Brooke. I think you both have very different parenting and lifestyle habits/goals. I think even if Brooke wasn't around, you would have the same issues when having your own children. So perhaps this is good everything is coming up now.

I suggest talking about it further, but try to take Brooke out of the equation (which I know will be difficult). I'm not really sure the best way to bring it up, or exactly the best thing to say, but I would probably make a truthful statement about how you see him interact with Brooke and discuss how that differs from how you would like to raise your future children. Use those "I" statements- "I would like our children to lead active lives", "I would like to introduce our children to various activities", "I would like our children to feel confident trying out new things", etc.... 

I think this may come down to addressing your FI's behaviour, which you might not want to do, but I think is perhaps underlying your frustration? (i.e. the TV watching). 

lyndausvi

Jax43615 said:

@scribe95 Yeah, I have finally began coming to terms of letting go of the food thing. It is something I am working through, because it really used to get me upset and cause issues. I have realized that I can really only really control what I offer her and make sure she gets a good, balanced dinner when we do have her.

One problem with the TV issue, is that I have not had the time to do some of those activities with her. I go to school full-time and work 30-35 hours a week, which always include every weekend. So, really, a lot of the time it is up to FI to get her to do something besides watch TV, but that ain't happening. Even today, FI and her are going to see The Good Dinosaur (wish I could go!) and she asked if she could go for a bike ride after. FI immediately said no because it's too cold. Granted, it is cool out, but by the time they get back it'll be the warmest part of the day and it won't be bad if she's wearing a coat. She finally mentions wanting to do something other than saying "what are we watching next?" and he shoots it down. I cut in right away and mentioned that if she wears her coat she'll be fine; but I don't see the bike ride happening. FI said "why don't you take her?" in a half joking/serious tone...I'm sorry but I am working on finals/projects that are due next week and I will be at a catering event from 1pm-10pm. Ugh! That frustrated me so much.

I will be on winter break soon though, so I plan on doing a lot of activities with her and I am excited to buy her crafty/project-type gifts for Christmas and giving her more engaging activities to do.

Doesn't sound like it.  You are upset because 4 times a month (assuming you feed her lunch both sat and sun) she eats mac-n-cheese or spaghettos  for lunch at your house.    Heck, DH and I have Velveeta mac-n-cheese twice a month for dinner.  I'm pretty sure I grew up with having mac-n-cheese one a week.  It was cheap and easy to make for my mom.  1-2 times a month she would throw in Chef Boyadee. I grew up a healthy kid.

I guess I don't see the big deal.   If you had her every day it would be  more of an issue, but not a few times a month.   It could be their "special" meal too.


I agree about the TV though.  We even sleep to the TV, but we are adults. 5 years should not be watching all that TV.  They really need to do some activities.  Sadly, if your DH isn't interested it might fall on your hands.  If we had kids DH would take them skiing in the winter, but I'm sure hiking, museums and stuff would fall on my hands because he just isn't interested in that stuff.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

@SP29 Yeah, the whole "kid's food" thing is just a stupid marketing scheme. I really do hate it. It causes so many issues with kids and their eating habits and health. But that's a completely different topic lol.


I do most of the grocery shopping; however, FI likes junky food and insists on it being around. I can't deny him the foods he enjoys while I buy myself the foods I enjoy just because I don't approve of his eating habits. He does make strides to eat healthier every once in a while though, so that's good! We typically have more healthful food around than junk food and that makes me feel pretty good usually.

You're correct in that him and I have different parenting styles and lifestyle habits/goals. I like your idea of talking about these things without bringing up Brooke; I think that will level the playing field, so to speak, because if we are talking about OUR children then we each get equal say and his authority cannot trump anything that I have to say. 

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

@lyndausviI really am making strides with the food thing. It does still get to me, I can't deny that; but I used to get so upset that it would change my mood and I would act nasty/rude. That does not happen anymore and I talk it out with FI more often than I used to (which used to be never). I am very health-conscious. I understand that adults grew up eating junk food and turned out just fine, so did I; but if you (general) know better and know that the child enjoys healthy foods, why wouldn't you make the effort to provide that food for them? Also, these kid's meals she eats at our place is not the only time she eats that way. The time we have her is the healthiest she eats all month.  Instead of causing arguments and criticizing the way my FI feeds his daughter (which is what I used to do), I let him do whatever he is going to do, while I provide heathier choices she enjoys when feeding her falls in my hands.


As for the TV thing, I just wish it didn't fall into my hands all the time. I wish FI had more interest in doing other things with her besides watch TV. Perhaps just another thing I will need to let go?

STARMOON44

Why do you think this will all somehow get worked out when you have kids?

He's fine with eating junk and doing nothing but watching TV in his free time. He has no problem with children doing the same. He's going to do the same things with your kids for the rest of your life, you'll just put up a bigger fight.

Why not actually use the information he is giving you? You don't respect his lifestyle and you don't like how he parents. Aren't you lucky to realize this now before you're married? Why would you just plow ahead instead of stepping back and resolving this now, with the help of a therapist if you can't do it alone?

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

@STARMOON44I didn't think I was giving off the impression that I was ok with how things were now...I WANT to resolve these things and reach a common ground of these topics with him. I don't think he is so stubborn that with OUR children he will totally throw my thoughts/opinions out the window just like I won't with his. I know he feels he has more say in how his daughter is brought up, and he does. It really is a tricky situation in determining how much influence I have here.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

And I realize that OUR children will be a mix of both of us. They will have days filled with TV and they will have days filled with other activities. The only way I could raise them 100% by my "rules" would be if I were a single mom. I realize I can't make FI change or somehow magically totally agree with my way of thinking. I do think that it is possible for him and I to reach a good compromise where neither of us feel like our opinions/parenting styles are disrespected or overpowering. I feel like this is something many parents have to discuss and work through, no?

lyndausvi

Sorry, but your FI seems lazy.  I watch  more TV then I should, but I also like to do other stuff.  Especially if I someone like a child to do them with.

As far as diet,  I'm all about balance.  If you are giving her a nice healthy breakfast and dinner, I don't see the problem with lunch being not as healthy.  But I don't consider mac-n-cheese the death wish you seem to think it is either.   Not being her parent there isn't much more you can do.

I agree with Starmoon, if you plan on having kids everything is going to fall on you.  Are you okay with that?   

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

@lyndausviThe only thing with the food is that many times dinner is the only healthy/balanced thing she eats all day, when I am not the one providing the fodo for her. I try to make the day balanced, but if dinner is the only time she is eating a serving of any kind of produce or non-processed food, then I do have an issue with that. (And I mean when she is with us. I don't ever try to change or monitor what she does/eats when she is anywhere else)

I thank you ladies for responding to my post. I think I would be ok with being in charge of activities as long as FI participated sometimes, which he does already - he just needs some prompting from me sometimes to do something else other than watch TV with her.

I really appreciate everyone's questions/advice/thoughts. It gets me thinking of other perspectives and things I haven't even considered. It's difficult to only brainstorm this stuff in your head without any kind of sounding board that isn't afraid to tell you their own thoughts and experiences.

SP29

Jax43615 said:

I do most of the grocery shopping; however, FI likes junky food and insists on it being around. I can't deny him the foods he enjoys while I buy myself the foods I enjoy just because I don't approve of his eating habits. He does make strides to eat healthier every once in a while though, so that's good! We typically have more healthful food around than junk food and that makes me feel pretty good usually.

*BOXES*

I do . 

DH was raised eating very meat and carb (i.e. potatoes) heavy meals. For the most part, I make the meals, well mainly dinner and food on the weekend. DH does his own breakfast and lunch... Breakfast is fine, but lunch he will often eat out, or lots of times eat barely anything at all... but I digress. Fortunately he eats whatever is put in front of him and doesn't complain.

DH is a GREAT cook, but often when he does cook us dinner, there is very little vegetable included, which is what I bug him about. "You know that half your plate "should" be vegetables? What is a balanced meal?". So often when I tell him that he needs to make dinner tomorrow, I'll say, "and make sure there is a vegetable with it!". Even fruit- I buy a specific type of apple, because that's one of the few he likes, yet I'm the one who eats 95% of them. 

I'm trying to get him to branch out a bit. I made apple and butternut squash soup a few weeks back. I thought it was amazing- DH didn't like it. He ate the bowl of soup for dinner, but after that I kept it for my lunch and made something else for dinners. I've also been trying to go more meat-less, and while DH likes the food, he complains it doesn't fill him up enough.... so I'm working on that whole lifestyle habit, for both of us. 

We go grocery shopping together, but I will tell him to put things back sometimes. Actually, as far as JUNK food goes, he loves chips and the occasional cookie, but he has way better impulse control that I do. He can eat a small bowl of chips and be done, where as if I start eating them the whole bag is gone.... *shifty eyes* (I may or may not have also eaten a small bowl of chocolate covered pretzels this morning...). So usually when I tell him to put something back, it's because I'm afraid it'll be me that'll finish it off....

But anyway, my point being, I am the one who makes sure we eat well. I'm also usually the one that says, "C'mon, you're going for a run with me". There is definitely a balance- I don't control his eating or what he does with his free time, but I will definitely say things, or suggest we do things "as a family". I am the more health-conscious one, and I also work in health care and have seen what poor lifestyle choices can do to health, so I'm probably a bit crazy. But fortunately DH is receptive to it. 

artbyallie

Jax43615 said:

@STARMOON44I didn't think I was giving off the impression that I was ok with how things were now...I WANT to resolve these things and reach a common ground of these topics with him. I don't think he is so stubborn that with OUR children he will totally throw my thoughts/opinions out the window just like I won't with his. I know he feels he has more say in how his daughter is brought up, and he does. It really is a tricky situation in determining how much influence I have here.

You need to sit down and have a come-to-Jesus chat with him. You want to resolve these issues. He doesn't even see them as problems. That is a red flag IMO. You definitely should be on the same page with your parenting strategies before getting married to this man!

CMGragain

One of my late mother's marriages broke up because of parenting issues.  (Mom was right on this one!  The kid was out of control, and the Dad was in denial.)

MairePoppy

Your FSD doesn't have food issues. She eats a good variety of food, which includes kids mac 'n cheese and healthier foods such as veggies and healhtier stuff that you offer. Maybe you could fill her up on the healthy stuff - veggies and dip, fruit,  before you put the chicken nuggets on the table. Otherwise, I'd let it go.

I'm going to agree that a five year old shouldn't have a TV in her room. But I don't see how you're going to get theTV out of there without makng a bigger issue of it. It's wonderful of you to encourage the child to play board games, read books, ride bikes and do other things beyond sitting in front of the damned TV. Your fi is a lazy parent. What a shame. The kid seems to want to do stuff and you're willing when you have the time. He shouldn't be getting off so easily. You should haul his ass to a counselor, ASAP. Otherwise, you'll be having the same issues with your own children one day. 

Good luck. 

themosthappy91

I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting but everything you've added just makes me feel more strongly that you have some big things to work out before it's advisable for you to get married. You don't approve of how he spends his time, he doesn't respect your opinion as a step parent, you deeply value health and nutrition while he does not. These are pretty fundamental issues.

You are his FI. You DO get a say in how he spends his time. You DO get a say in how he raises his child. I think you're taking not being controlling too far and his lack of respect for your opinion is troubling- BUT honestly it sounds like something you have a good chance of working out if he can just recognize he doesn't just get to be an independent operator who calls all the shots in his life (i.e. what it means to be in a committed relationship). 

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

@SP29 He is mostly receptive to my healthy lifestyle, but I try not to push him too much because that has irritated him in the past and I honestly was probably a bit TOO pushy. Right now, I find it hard to have any time for exercise, so it's not an issue. But I have learned that if I just do my own thing when it comes to working out I feel good whether or not he joined me.

@artbyallieYes, I agree! I didn't see the concern with waiting until we were thinking of having children, but getting on the same page before marriage is definitely the right way to go. Thank you for that input!

@CMGragain I definitely don't want this to happen and it seems that this is one of the major reasons that couples get divorced. I'm totally willing to make compromises and see things from his perspective. Having a deep discussion about these things will show if he is just as willing.

@MairePoppy If I do give her chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, etc...I always include a fruit and/or veggie. It's my FI who doesn't, and that is what bugs me. I am making efforts into letting this go though. I do realize that she eats really great for a 5 year old and am grateful that she is not picky. She legit likes mushrooms and broccoli! And I'm definitely not trying to take the TV out of her room; I realize that would be a pointless battle. So, the only thing I do is put a timer on her TV at night when she goes to bed. In addition to seeking out a counselor, how do you think I should approach talking to him about doing more engaging things with her? I have brought it up before but it was met with an "I know I could do more..." type of response that led no where. I am not sure how to not let him off so easy in a productive manner.

@themosthappy91 I'm not sure if I agree with me having a say in how he spends his free time just because I'm his FI. If he tried telling me I read too much or had too many projects going on I'd be like "wtf?" If he were doing something illegal/dangerous, then I totally understand. I do like how you say that he doesn't get to be an independent operator (and neither do I!). That is a really good way of putting that and it is a part of being in a committed relationship.

We will definitely be having a good discussion about all of this soon.

Thank you so much for all your insight! Any more is welcome.

MairePoppy

Jax43615 - Plan a specific activity and write it on the calendar. Tell him, we have plans to do blah blah blah at X time on Sunday. Don't back down. 

Also, if you're worried about the one serving of veggies, you could set aside a shelf in the fridge for SD to help herself to healthy snacks. 

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

Great idea @MairePoppy. Thanks!

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

@scribe95 I guess I just never realized that is how he is until recently. It got me upset because I'm not like that and I didn't imagine him being like that either, so it was an eye-opener.

He does like doing things with her (besides TV), but they're the kinds of things where he gets something out of it too, like going to the pool when it's warm out, sharing desserts with her, and going to the movies; and that is ok too because she really loves doing those things with him. I just didn't see that that was kind of all he's typically willing to put effort into.

Heffalump

I don't have advice specific to step-parenting, but I do have 6+ years' worth of parenting experience, so:

Jax43615 said:

I think Brooke watches too much TV/movies. He doesn't see an issue with it because that is how he spends his time when he's not working. It is common for her to ONLY watch TV/movies when we have her. She has a TV in her room, which I think is totally unnecessary (she's 5!!) and he puts a movie on for her every night in her room for her to fall asleep to. He also watches TV in our bedroom to fall asleep to, so he does not see an issue with Brooke doing the same. The TV is constantly on in our apt and she is constantly distracted by it and it can be an issue during meal times and when we are trying to get ready to go out. I do turn off the TV when I believe it is becoming too much of a distraction. My compromise with the TV at night is that I put the timer on so that it will turn off after whatever amount of time I set it to.

FWIW, I'm not a huge fan of screen time for kids.  My 6 y.o. gets 10 min. on weekdays (which usually stretches to 15) and 20 on the weekends.  I don't see TV as evil or anything, but I do see how it fills time that could be spent more productively.  My kids are pretty active:  my 6 y.o. swims, rides horses, plays soccer, and just generally runs around with kids in our neighborhood; my 2 y.o. loves being outside and we joke that he'd be happier if we let him live in a tent in the yard.  I feel like when TV is the default, a lot of those things don't happen.  And they're important things for DH and me, so we promote them.

That said, I know kids who get WAY more screen time than she does, and they don't seem intellectually or emotionally stunted or anything.  It's not a choice I would make, but since becoming a parent, I've learned to give other parents a lot of leeway before I start judging.  So for me, this would fall into the category of "not my preference, but a far cry from neglect/abuse."  (Also FWIW, our pediatrician is huge on kids not having a TV in their bedroom.)

Now for food. He provides the classic kids food for her: mac n cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, spaghettios, pop, etc... I provide for her fruits, veggies, sandwiches, yogurt, etc... Brooke is a very good eater and enjoys a wide variety of food; she is hardly picky. We have a compromise where if I DO purchase the classic kids food for her I get the brands that feature better quality/organic ingredients. FI doesn't care about that kind of stuff, which I don't understand. It bothers me that he doesn't take more interest in her nutrition and thinks it's ok to provide her those classic kids foods all the time.

Organic processed food (pizza, mac and chese, etc.) isn't demonstrably better for you than conventional.  So I wouldn't make organic mac and cheese my hill to die on--and I generally buy organic (mostly produce, meat, and dairy, since we don't eat much processed food) for several reasons (health, animal welfare, the environment, supporting organic farmers, etc.).  Honestly, the best thing you can do is make sure she has lots of healthy options:  a variety of whole grains, fruits and vegetables, lean protein.  She sounds like a good eater, so this should be pretty easy.   

Those are the main 2 things that really irk me about how he raises his daughter. We both understand that FI has more authority than I do in how he raises her; however, he does value my opinion and occasionally takes it into consideration. I have come a long way in not getting all worked up when FI gives Brooke food lacking any kind of nutrition or when he allows her to watch TV all day. It does still bother me, but I am getting better at accepting that these are his choices and the most I can do is suggest to Brooke that she/we do something else or offer her better choices when I am the one providing her meals/snacks.

If he values your opinion, but to the limited extent that he only "occasionally takes it into consideration," then I think you need to be content with saying your piece and, as the step-parent, shutting up.  He'll take the advice or not, but you can't make him see things your way.  If you've shared your thoughts and he's blown them off, there's not much else for you to do.

I am just wondering if anyone else has had this experience with your significant other's/your children. How do you handle the differing opinions? I know comprise is the answer, but I know FI does not hold up his end of the two compromises mentioned above; he does not buy the better quality versions of kid's food and he does not bother putting the timer on the TV at night; which I suppose doesn't really make it a compromise, does it?

We have discussed these issues, but he tends to get defensive and irritated. I know that when we have children together these will be issues that we will HAVE to work out and compromise together on. I do want to talk to him more about these things and I plan on doing so. I am not going to wait until we have kids to address these things either.

Whether you're step-parenting or not, no one is going to agree on things all the time.  So I'm less concerned about the disagreements, and more concerned that they're not being resolved to your satisfaction:  you come up with a compromise, he ignores it.  You already see what kind of a father he is--I would be very surprised if it were any different with any kids the two of you have together, unless you do 100% of the work.  (Which I don't recommend--with two young kids, H and I are often exhausted working in tandem, and then we look at his sister, who is a single mom to a 3 y.o. and 1 y.o. and literally can't imagine how she does it.) 

Frankly, I'm going to agree with the other posters who say that he sounds lazy.  It's not like Brooke doesn't want to ride her bike or won't eat anything but chicken nuggets, she's willing and able and he's just too lazy to do it.  That would be a dealbreaker for me.  If you're cool with that (which I don't think you are, considering that you posted this), then that's one thing; if you're not, I would really rethink whether you want to fight this battle every day for the next two decades of your life. 

emmaaa

I don't have any step-children or children of my own (yet) but I my main concern is in lines with a few PPs when it comes to having your own children one day. Yes, when y'all have a child together you'll feel like you have more input and final say because you are that child's biological parent but what if your FI wants to continue to parent this way? It is obviously a different style of parenting than you have in mind. 

Also, your FSD will obviously be around any future children. Will you change your parenting styles when FSD is at your house but continue throughout the rest of the week the way you have FI have decide to raise and parent your (future) child?

I think y'all just need to have a serious conversation on how this can effect your marriage and future children. Also, talk about how your intend to rise your future children. Obviously parenting styles change when you ACTUALLY have children, but I feel like y'all need ot be on the same page from the start.

Heffalump

emmaaa said:

I don't have any step-children or children of my own (yet) but I my main concern is in lines with a few PPs when it comes to having your own children one day. Yes, when y'all have a child together you'll feel like you have more input and final say because you are that child's biological parent but what if your FI wants to continue to parent this way? It is obviously a different style of parenting than you have in mind. 

Also, your FSD will obviously be around any future children. Will you change your parenting styles when FSD is at your house but continue throughout the rest of the week the way you have FI have decide to raise and parent your (future) child?

I think y'all just need to have a serious conversation on how this can effect your marriage and future children. Also, talk about how your intend to rise your future children. Obviously parenting styles change when you ACTUALLY have children, but I feel like y'all need ot be on the same page from the start.

That is an excellent point that I forgot to mention.  Honestly, our 2 y.o. gets/does things that his older sister didn't at his age.  It's hard to say "She can have pink lemonade but you [youngest] can only have water or milk; she can play Sago Mini on the iPad but you're not allowed to watch or have a turn." 

When DD was the only kid, it was easy to enforce things.  But with younger kids, they emulate their older siblings, for better or for worse.  You can say "Brooke can [have a TV in her room, eat chicken nuggets, whatever] but you can't," but it's pretty much impossible for very young kids to understand why.  Even once they can understand, it can foster a lot of sibling jealousy and resentment.

PrettyGirlLost

Jax43615 said:

@SP29 He is mostly receptive to my healthy lifestyle, but I try not to push him too much because that has irritated him in the past and I honestly was probably a bit TOO pushy. Right now, I find it hard to have any time for exercise, so it's not an issue. But I have learned that if I just do my own thing when it comes to working out I feel good whether or not he joined me.

@artbyallieYes, I agree! I didn't see the concern with waiting until we were thinking of having children, but getting on the same page before marriage is definitely the right way to go. Thank you for that input!

@CMGragain I definitely don't want this to happen and it seems that this is one of the major reasons that couples get divorced. I'm totally willing to make compromises and see things from his perspective. Having a deep discussion about these things will show if he is just as willing.

@MairePoppy If I do give her chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, etc...I always include a fruit and/or veggie. It's my FI who doesn't, and that is what bugs me. I am making efforts into letting this go though. I do realize that she eats really great for a 5 year old and am grateful that she is not picky. She legit likes mushrooms and broccoli! And I'm definitely not trying to take the TV out of her room; I realize that would be a pointless battle. So, the only thing I do is put a timer on her TV at night when she goes to bed. In addition to seeking out a counselor, how do you think I should approach talking to him about doing more engaging things with her? I have brought it up before but it was met with an "I know I could do more..." type of response that led no where. I am not sure how to not let him off so easy in a productive manner.

@themosthappy91 I'm not sure if I agree with me having a say in how he spends his free time just because I'm his FI. If he tried telling me I read too much or had too many projects going on I'd be like "wtf?" If he were doing something illegal/dangerous, then I totally understand. I do like how you say that he doesn't get to be an independent operator (and neither do I!). That is a really good way of putting that and it is a part of being in a committed relationship.

We will definitely be having a good discussion about all of this soon.

Thank you so much for all your insight! Any more is welcome.

Not every.single.meal needs to be "balanced."  You are being a little extreme with the meals, let it go.

As far as how your FI parents and how to broach the topic with him, that's one you really need to seek advice from a counselor on.  Your FI sounds like he's a disinterested, disengaged parent.  That's not going to change just because he has a second child with you.

Does your FI even want to have any more kids?  I mean truly, genuinely want them?  Not just having kids to check off the life boxes? 

Because from personal experience, the people who were never really actually interested in having kids but had them just because it seemed like the logical next step, or their partner wanted kids, etc. tend to act very disengaged and uninterested in their kids.

Jax43615 said:

@scribe95 I guess I just never realized that is how he is until recently. It got me upset because I'm not like that and I didn't imagine him being like that either, so it was an eye-opener.

He does like doing things with her (besides TV), but they're the kinds of things where he gets something out of it too, like going to the pool when it's warm out, sharing desserts with her, and going to the movies; and that is ok too because she really loves doing those things with him. I just didn't see that that was kind of all he's typically willing to put effort into.

ETA: Ok, now I'm thinking that the biggest issue with the parenting is you and your expectations of what is acceptable, what activities are acceptable, etc.  You've got a lot of judgement in your posts regarding your FI and his lifestyle- what he eats, how he spends his free time, what he does with his daughter.  Honestly, I think you need to work on managing your expectations of your FI and letting go of all of the judgement.

Heffalump

PrettyGirlLost said:

ETA: Ok, now I'm thinking that the biggest issue with the parenting is you and your expectations of what is acceptable, what activities are acceptable, etc.  You've got a lot of judgement in your posts regarding your FI and his lifestyle- what he eats, how he spends his free time, what he does with his daughter.  Honestly, I think you need to work on managing your expectations of your FI and letting go of all of the judgement.

Or maybe just finding someone she's more compatible with.  I mean, if you're dating someone and you don't really care for most aspects of their lifestyle, there is no reason you have to marry them.  There are more than four men in the world.

I will admit, I might care more about this stuff than most people (though hopefully I judge less).  But then I married someone who mostly feels the same way that I do, I didn't have to try to convert anyone to my life philosophy, YKWIM?

climbingsingle

scribe95 said:

Honestly the more you say the more frustrated you sound. Some of it I get but some seems like you are being pretty picky.

Now you say he does take her to the pool or for a snack and a movie but that those activities aren't somehow good enough. It sounds like you want him to be out running and playing catch etc - something physical - because that is important to you. But he doesn't seem like a physically active person. I get that. I'm not either. It's not my thing. I am not coordinated.

The bolded - if that is true, you've got bigger problems than you may realize. My ex-husband was very much like that. Lazy, played video games, didn't like doing active things, didn't like to eat healthy. And unfortunately I thought I could change him. And when I realized I couldn't change him, I thought I could just deal with the fact that we liked to do different things. Needless to say, it didn't work out. 

You can never change a person. If that person lays around and watches TV all day, expect that they will continue to do that. I'm not saying that people NEVER change, but you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change a person. And OP, I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you, but it's something I feel the need to point out, because I have been there. 

PrettyGirlLost

climbingwife said:

scribe95 said:

Honestly the more you say the more frustrated you sound. Some of it I get but some seems like you are being pretty picky.

Now you say he does take her to the pool or for a snack and a movie but that those activities aren't somehow good enough. It sounds like you want him to be out running and playing catch etc - something physical - because that is important to you. But he doesn't seem like a physically active person. I get that. I'm not either. It's not my thing. I am not coordinated.

The bolded - if that is true, you've got bigger problems than you may realize. My ex-husband was very much like that. Lazy, played video games, didn't like doing active things, didn't like to eat healthy. And unfortunately I thought I could change him. And when I realized I couldn't change him, I thought I could just deal with the fact that we liked to do different things. Needless to say, it didn't work out. 

You can never change a person. If that person lays around and watches TV all day, expect that they will continue to do that. I'm not saying that people NEVER change, but you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change a person. And OP, I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you, but it's something I feel the need to point out, because I have been there. 

I agree with this post almost 100%- the only thing I disagree with is the term "lazy" just because a person doesn't care to do "active things." 

I'll be perfectly honest, if I had a choice between reading a book, watching a movie, working on one of my hobbies, playing a video game or going out for a run, playing tennis, or going for a hike. . . yeah I'm not going running or playing tennis, but I would might go for a hike if it's not too hot, lol.

Outdoorsy stuff is just not a preference for a lot of people, but I wouldn't consider them lazy for preferring to do other things.  Lazy to me is when you consistently opt not to do typical household chores or keep up with house maintenance, choose not to work or have no work ethic at your job, etc.

I'm lazy when it comes to putting my cloths away after washing them- I'm the worst!!