Fights with the fiance?

Knottie1443143973

I dunno if this is the right place to post this, but... do fights during the engagement period feel different to y'all? I just had a fight with my fiance, nothing worse than we've had before, but it somehow feels a hundred times worse, casting doubt over the huge commitment we just made (we got engaged about two months ago). I'm already jumping to the worst-case scenario and wondering what we'd do if we had to break the engagement, how we'd face people, etc etc. I know I'm being silly and have a tendency to overdramatize things, so just would appreciate any words of wisdom about how to remain calm and not freak out in this situation. 

lnixon8

I would say buying a house and moving in together midway through our engagement was different and a little scary- it made it feel more real! But I wouldn't completely ignore any of those feelings.

Like I said to a poster a few dqys ago: nervous is normal but scared is something else. If your fights are making you consider ending the engagement or postponing the wedding, try and not worry about how you would tell other people or their reactions.  Are you fighting over the wedding or the marriage/everyday life

randomslove

Fights feel different for us now, but less scary. Instead of making me doubt or question our commitment, it takes doubt and questioning off the table.

If your fights are causing that much worry and doubt-- so much that you're wondering how you'd handle telling people the engagement is off-- I'd suggest maybe finding a couple counselor or someone to talk to, to help yourself and your FI solidify past that. Not saying it's unusual-- it might be very normal-- but couples counseling can't do harm if you're worried.

lembaslover

I don't think fights in themselves are bad between couples but it really depends on what the fight is about and how you handle yourselves during and after the fight. Is the fight because you're annoyed your SO leaves lights on or is it because you want kids and they don't. The first one is normal the second one is pretty important and you need to come to a decision before you get married, one that you both believe not just giving in now to make it better in the present. How do the fights end. Do you discuss the fights and come to a resolution or do you just brush it under the rug. If it's the latter then those will come back at some point and could mean trouble.

The fact that you are questing your engagement and considering how to tell people it's off is a little concerning. Maybe it's just that it's still new to you and you've never had to worry about something like this before. If you think that might be the case try re-directing those thoughts and focus on resolving the fight with your FI. Or maybe some pre-marital counseling would be helpful. 

*Barbie*

we need more details - what are you fighting about?

if it's a question of different opinions on something major (e.g. where to live, having children, money/debts, the relationship in general, care/financial support for relatives, etc.) you might want to consider taking a step back and look into counseling. 

if it's something relatively minor/party details (you want to serve chocolate cake, he wants vanilla), it's not really worth worry about, unless the fight gets needlessly nasty or you guys are unwilling to compromise ( which may take you back to the taking a step back, looking at counseling.)

holyguacamole79

Knottie1443143973 said:

I dunno if this is the right place to post this, but... do fights during the engagement period feel different to y'all? I just had a fight with my fiance, nothing worse than we've had before, but it somehow feels a hundred times worse, casting doubt over the huge commitment we just made (we got engaged about two months ago). I'm already jumping to the worst-case scenario and wondering what we'd do if we had to break the engagement, how we'd face people, etc etc. I know I'm being silly and have a tendency to overdramatize things, so just would appreciate any words of wisdom about how to remain calm and not freak out in this situation. 

This definitely depend on the gravity of the argument.

We had a few arguments during the engagement, but it didn't make me doubt things.

thefanciestbeckler

More details please, Knottie #'s.

MesmrEwe

Also agreed with the others about needing more details...

I will say this though...  Breaking off an engagement and facing people to explain that is a heck of a lot easier AND a million times cheaper/easier than a divorce! 

Ultimately you've got to figure out a system of communication and as our priest put it during our marriage prep "Rules of Engagement" for arguments...  It's not that you're having arguments that's the problem, it's that there's something bigger going on within those arguments that's an even bigger problem.  All couples argue, it's to what extent and level of escalation.  It takes at least two to argue, you've got to decide what you're willing to accept and not for your participation in said arguments.  What are "hills to die on" and what aren't.  How to confront the elephant in the room vs. agree to disagree.  You've got to decide this all for yourself.