No Plus Ones?

jessicarose1988

Just got engaged and a question about this etiquette:

I KNOW that it is rude to not allow guests to have a plus one. I have been invited to weddings without being able to have a plus one, and its downright annoying. I do solemnly swear that my guests are getting +1's.

However, I have a two aunts who are both well in to their 60s and 70s that are widows.  I have no problem inviting plus ones if that is what is appropriate, but should I invite plus ones to my older aunts who I know are not dating anyone and are widows?

I know for a fact that they will not have a significant other to invite to the wedding, but should I include "NAME & guest" to in case that they want to bring someone? My family is very Catholic, so the women in my family are very committed to their husbands, even if they have passed. I fear that if I invite "AUNT & Guest" that they will actually be possibly offended that I have assumed they are dating.

Jen4948

jessicarose1988 said:

Just got engaged and a question about this etiquette:

I KNOW that it is rude to not allow guests to have a plus one. I have been invited to weddings without being able to have a plus one, and its downright annoying. I do solemnly swear that my guests are getting +1's.

However, I have a two aunts who are both well in to their 60s and 70s that are widows.  I have no problem inviting plus ones if that is what is appropriate, but should I invite plus ones to my older aunts who I know are not dating anyone and are widows?

I know for a fact that they will not have a significant other to invite to the wedding, but should I include "NAME & guest" to in case that they want to bring someone? My family is very Catholic, so the women in my family are very committed to their husbands, even if they have passed. I fear that if I invite "AUNT & Guest" that they will actually be possibly offended that I have assumed they are dating.

Actually, it's not rude to not allow unattached singles plus ones.

It is rude, when someone has a spouse, fiance/e, partner, or boyfriend/girlfriend, not to invite them both together.

I would send the invitations to your aunts with just their names on them, but let them know by word of mouth that they're welcome to bring someone with them to your wedding.

[Deleted User]

It's nice that you're giving your guests plus ones, but it's not a requirement.  We're by and large not doing plus ones for our truly single guests.  I will say that we have about 4 truly single guests, 3 of whom are on my side, and receiving a plus one for a wedding in Europe when you're living in Canada is kinda pointless.

I was a bridesmaid at a wedding where the only person I knew really well was the bride and her parents.  We were childhood friends and had grown distant over the years.  I was grateful for a plus one because it gave me someone to chat with during the reception.  However, I've also been to my cousins' weddings as a truly single guest and without a plus one, and honestly I wouldn't have wanted to bring a guest even if it had been an option.  Clearly I want to spend time drinking with my cousins rather than introducing some random to my entire extended family.

So with that being said, I think you can reflect on the other guests you've invited.  Would a plus one enhance your aunts's experiences?  Do they have children you're inviting, or maybe grandchildren?  Siblings?  I'm not saying you're obligated to invite you're whole extended family, but if there's loads of family that your aunts know already on your guest list then I think you're in the clear not to give a plus one, especially if it could be misconstrued as something offensive.  If you're cutting the invites off at just aunts and uncles and there will be very few people these aunts may know, then plus ones may be a nice gesture.

ETA Congrats on the engagement!  I've found this place very helpful in answering my etiquette questions.

downtondiva

Actually, you're not required to invite truly single guests with a "plus one." What you are required to do is invite the spouses/significant others of your guests who are in relationships (and that's not considered a plus one, because you're inviting the spouse/SO by name). If your aunts are widowed, single, and you don't think they'd want to bring anyone, it's completely fine to invite them on their own.

Liatris2010

You don't have to extend them plus ones if they are single, but it might be nice anyway. If they don't like driving at night, or would like some company in the car, it would give them the option of bringing a friend.

banana468

In this case, I think word of mouth is fine.   My grandmother was widowed for nearly 20 years when she attended my wedding.   She believed that her husband was dead - not that she was free to date again.   It would have been silly for me to say, "Do you think you'll bring a guest??"   So in these situations I'd go w/ word of mouth.   

AddieCake

Make sure you're using the correct terminology on this topic. Plus-ones are any guests your invited guests are welcome to bring if they want. 

You should definitely give ALL your guests this option if you are giving some of them the option, but word of mouth is probably find for these older aunts. 

JediElizabeth

Different perspective on plus ones also: I have an older (70's) widowed great-aunt who is also very Catholic. I'm not inviting any of her children because I haven't seen any of them in about 20 years, and we just haven't kept in touch. However, I'm giving her a guest/+1 because I know she's going to need someone to drive her and escort her because of mobility problems. I'll probably end up seeing one of my second cousins as a result, though I have no idea who.

Depending on their situation, if you're going to give these aunts a +1, they may gratefully use the invitation for something like this. If absolutely everyone else is getting a +1, if extend the invitation to them too.

OliveOilsMom

A plus one is given only to truly single guests.  Any person in a relationship needs to have their SO named on the invitation.  A plus one and a SO are two different things, so make sure you make that distinction when you begin to address your invitations.

As for your aunts.  They are Catholic and since their husbands have passed are free to date and re-marry.  The bond of marriage dies with the passing of a spouse, according to the Catholic faith.  So your very Catholic aunts are free to date, if they wish.  Just because they choose not to doesn't mean its sign of their Catholic faith.  I have many great aunts, great uncles, and two grandparents who chose not to date after their spouses' passed, but it had nothing to do with my family being Catholic.

holyguacamole79

jessicarose1988 said:

Just got engaged and a question about this etiquette:

I KNOW that it is rude to not allow guests to have a plus one. I have been invited to weddings without being able to have a plus one, and its downright annoying. I do solemnly swear that my guests are getting +1's.

However, I have a two aunts who are both well in to their 60s and 70s that are widows.  I have no problem inviting plus ones if that is what is appropriate, but should I invite plus ones to my older aunts who I know are not dating anyone and are widows?

I know for a fact that they will not have a significant other to invite to the wedding, but should I include "NAME & guest" to in case that they want to bring someone? My family is very Catholic, so the women in my family are very committed to their husbands, even if they have passed. I fear that if I invite "AUNT & Guest" that they will actually be possibly offended that I have assumed they are dating.

I know this may sound nit-picky, and I respect how your aunts feel regarding their deceased husband.  There is nothing in Catholic teaching that says that a person cannot remarry (or date) after a spouse dies.  The only time where this would be the case is if a deacon's wife passes away.  The deacon cannot remarry.  

Your aunt's choice is her own; it does not have anything to do with being Catholic.

jacques27

PPs covered the +1 vs. SO thing.

Personally, if you're giving everyone else a plus one, you should also give it to them.  Plus ones aren't necessarily "dates".  They may want to bring their child or a dear friend for company or someone who can assist them, especially if there is any amount of traveling involved (even a short distance by car).  Since getting divorced, my cousin brings her best friend as her plus one to things.  I think most people understand that "and guest" means you can bring anyone for essentially any reason - I don't think they'll be offended by it.  You can follow it up with a phone call if you think they've taken offense. 

lyndausvi

JediElizabeth said:

Different perspective on plus ones also: I have an older (70's) widowed great-aunt who is also very Catholic. I'm not inviting any of her children because I haven't seen any of them in about 20 years, and we just haven't kept in touch. However, I'm giving her a guest/+1 because I know she's going to need someone to drive her and escort her because of mobility problems. I'll probably end up seeing one of my second cousins as a result, though I have no idea who. Depending on their situation, if you're going to give these aunts a +1, they may gratefully use the invitation for something like this. If absolutely everyone else is getting a +1, if extend the invitation to them too.

This.

My pop-pop was a widower and he had a GF (who was a widow) for some 30+ years.  I called her Nana.   Pop-Pop passed away, but I still invited Nana.  I gave her a plus one because she was just days away from turning 104 years old.   I didn't know her family at all (well I knew their names, but couldn't pick them out of a lineup). I assumed one of her son's or even grandson's would take her.

So you have to give them a + one?  No.   If there is travel involved and/or any medical issues and their kids are not invited then I always think it's a good idea.  That way they can bring someone to help without that awkward call to you asking if they can bring someone.  You can do it on the envelope or word of mouth.

I do not understand the Catholic and never getting married again point.  I come from a Catholic family.   Some of the widows remarried, some have long-term BFs and others remained single.   Just like the rest of the general population.  ::shrugs::

VicTim328

Similar scenario.  A phone call worked out well for our wedding.  My great-aunt was 93, and lived about 20 minutes away from where FI and I are getting married.  She hadn't been able to travel the last few years, and I knew she would want to see my grandma and her other sisters. 

I called her after everything was set to talk with her about what she would prefer. She could drive, but was nervous about taking the highway.  I told her she could bring her daughter or granddaughter or her neighbor. She was excited about coming, and was bringing her daughter. My grandma and other aunts were excited to get to see her, and had even made separate plans for the visit.  Unfortunately, she passed away after a nasty bicycle fall in the spring. I called her daughter and told her she was still welcome to come, as there would be other family members who would love to see her.  I'll be surprised if she comes.

MandyMost

I disagree that it should be all-or-none for plus ones. Where did that come from? It's perfectly fine to give some truly single guests plus ones, and not others. For instance, if you have a few single cousins who are local and will know a ton of people there, you may opt to invite them without a plus one. But maybe you have a single work friend who won't know a soul there, or a single friend who would have to travel to get to the wedding and would rather have a traveling companion. You may opt to invite them with a plus one.

For my wedding, we decided any single guests would get a plus one if they didn't know a lot of other people at the wedding and/or they would have to travel to get there. Turns out no one fit those criteria, so we didn't do any plus ones. 

holyguacamole79

lyndausvi said:

I do not understand the Catholic and never getting married again point.  I come from a Catholic family.   Some of the widows remarried, some have long-term BFs and others remained single.   Just like the rest of the general population.  ::shrugs::

There's nothing in Catholic theology that says this.  My grandfather was a widower and remarried after my grandma died.  His 2nd wife was a widow.  Both faithful Catholics.

AddieCake

MandyMost said:

I disagree that it should be all-or-none for plus ones. Where did that come from? It's perfectly fine to give some truly single guests plus ones, and not others. For instance, if you have a few single cousins who are local and will know a ton of people there, you may opt to invite them without a plus one. But maybe you have a single work friend who won't know a soul there, or a single friend who would have to travel to get to the wedding and would rather have a traveling companion. You may opt to invite them with a plus one.

For my wedding, we decided any single guests would get a plus one if they didn't know a lot of other people at the wedding and/or they would have to travel to get there. Turns out no one fit those criteria, so we didn't do any plus ones. 

I simply don't like the concept of "well, they will know people there, so they don't get to bring a date or friend," but Tom, Sally, and Joe get to since they might not know people. It just seems like cherry picking. 

kvruns

I  gave my elderly relatives a plus one via word of mouth - so I saved room in the guest count and invited them and my mom let them know that if they were going to go and would need one of their children (or someone else) to bring them they were welcome to bring them. None of them could make it so it was a moot point but I did allot for these "escorts" as my mom called it.

lyndausvi

AddieCake said:

MandyMost said:

I disagree that it should be all-or-none for plus ones. Where did that come from? It's perfectly fine to give some truly single guests plus ones, and not others. For instance, if you have a few single cousins who are local and will know a ton of people there, you may opt to invite them without a plus one. But maybe you have a single work friend who won't know a soul there, or a single friend who would have to travel to get to the wedding and would rather have a traveling companion. You may opt to invite them with a plus one.

For my wedding, we decided any single guests would get a plus one if they didn't know a lot of other people at the wedding and/or they would have to travel to get there. Turns out no one fit those criteria, so we didn't do any plus ones. 

I simply don't like the concept of "well, they will know people there, so they don't get to bring a date or friend," but Tom, Sally, and Joe get to since they might not know people. It just seems like cherry picking. 

I'm a case by case basis person.    For the most part we did give all true singles a +one.     As I said above I gave one to my 104 year old Nana.    

 However, my 94 year old great-Aunt I did not. Reason?  She wasn't seeing anyone.   Her daughter and son-in-law take her to all family events and have for as long as I can remember.  The daughter is also my godmother, so they were invited.


So yeah, I think history can come into play.    I have 1 aunt that has NEVER brought a date to a single family event in 40+ years. Not one time. I'm not just talking about weddings.  I mean ANY event.  That includes ones she had hosted herself.  She always attended things with her son.  She had passed away by the time I got married, but I wouldn't have given her a + plus.  

SP29

A "plus one" means your guest can literally bring ANYONE they want- a random date, a best friend, child/parent, etc.... Anyone in a relationship must have their SO invited- by name, SOs should never be referred by "and guest". 

Plus ones are never required (where as SOs are), but a nice gesture. If you have the budget and space to provide plus ones to your truly single guests, I would provide one to your aunts as well. If you truly think they would find this offensive, as they also do not understand what "and guest" means, then it is fine for you to let them verbally know that they are welcome to bring anyone of their choosing with them.