Moms and Maids

Out of town bridesmaid - morning of wedding

I'm getting married in 2.5 months and have 5 attendants - 3 friends and 2 future sisters in law. I JUST found out that one SIL, who lives a 5 hour drive/2 hr plane flight away, has an important college exam she has to take the morning of the wedding - it starts 7.5 hours before the wedding starts and apparently cannot be rescheduled. She told me she will figure out a flight and be there in time. I say it's insane to ask her to start, finish, get to the airport, fly, arrive to the wedding in 7.5 hours and we should just say it's not going to work, and get a different bridesmaid. Maybe we could have her read a poem if she gets there in time, and obviously she can come as a guest - but I don't want the stress of a bridesmaid in a different city the morning of my wedding, on top of everything else I have to deal with on my wedding day. No hard feelings, it's just not going to work. My fiance says I can't ask her not to be a part of it now, I have to just hope the flight doesn't get delayed or that she doesn't miss it because the exam takes longer than she thought.

Thoughts? 

Re: Out of town bridesmaid - morning of wedding

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mshadow02 said:

    I'm getting married in 2.5 months and have 5 attendants - 3 friends and 2 future sisters in law. I JUST found out that one SIL, who lives a 5 hour drive/2 hr plane flight away, has an important college exam she has to take the morning of the wedding - it starts 7.5 hours before the wedding starts and apparently cannot be rescheduled. She told me she will figure out a flight and be there in time. I say it's insane to ask her to start, finish, get to the airport, fly, arrive to the wedding in 7.5 hours and we should just say it's not going to work, and get a different bridesmaid. Maybe we could have her read a poem if she gets there in time, and obviously she can come as a guest - but I don't want the stress of a bridesmaid in a different city the morning of my wedding, on top of everything else I have to deal with on my wedding day. No hard feelings, it's just not going to work. My fiance says I can't ask her not to be a part of it now, I have to just hope the flight doesn't get delayed or that she doesn't miss it because the exam takes longer than she thought.

    Thoughts? 

    Your FI is absolutely right. Don't ask her to step down and don't "replace" her. Wish her well and hope her plane is on time.

    Fwiw, one of my close friends was doing a reading at our wedding. He flew in that morning and his flight was delayed. I had no idea the flight was delayed and he almost missed it. He got there, put on his suit, and it all worked out great.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mshadow02 said:
    I'm getting married in 2.5 months and have 5 attendants - 3 friends and 2 future sisters in law. I JUST found out that one SIL, who lives a 5 hour drive/2 hr plane flight away, has an important college exam she has to take the morning of the wedding - it starts 7.5 hours before the wedding starts and apparently cannot be rescheduled. She told me she will figure out a flight and be there in time. I say it's insane to ask her to start, finish, get to the airport, fly, arrive to the wedding in 7.5 hours and we should just say it's not going to work, and get a different bridesmaid. Maybe we could have her read a poem if she gets there in time, and obviously she can come as a guest - but I don't want the stress of a bridesmaid in a different city the morning of my wedding, on top of everything else I have to deal with on my wedding day. No hard feelings, it's just not going to work. My fiance says I can't ask her not to be a part of it now, I have to just hope the flight doesn't get delayed or that she doesn't miss it because the exam takes longer than she thought.

    Thoughts?



    ***boxes***

    Thoughts:
    The only person that should feel any stress related to this dilemma is your bridesmaid.  SHE is the one that needs to prepare for an important college exam.  SHE is the one that has to coordinate the timing of the test and her flight.  SHE is the one who will need to make last minute decisions should any part of her day snafu's in any way.

    You not only want to kick her out of your wedding party, you want to replace her as well?  This is not just a friend.  THIS particular BM is a relative of yours.  Most will tell you that kicking a BM out of your wedding is a friendship ending move.  Do you want this bad blood in your family for the rest of your life?

    @aurianna has said everything that needs to be said and done.
    Maggie0829[Deleted User]charlotte989875hellohkb
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your attitude is disgusting, OP.  Your BM only has to show up, on time, sober, and in the right dress. She is making big changes to accommodate your wedding, AND she has a huge test the day of that she is working around to still make your wedding happen.  I can tell you from experience that doing both of those things is hell.  And then you want to kick her out and replace her?  Pretty shitty.  

    Oh, and education trumps weddings.  


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    YogaSandy[Deleted User]OliveOilsMomlc07
  • OP - you need to play a little Elsa here and "Let it go!" ...  Yes, your FI is right, she's still in the wedding if he wants her there.  Accept the situation for what it is, it's not like she's the one who scheduled the exam that day and if it was within her power I'm positive she'd move the date/time of the exam so she'd be able to be there for the pre-event activities.  Here's how it's going to work...  You order her a bouquet just like the rest of your BM..  The AM of the wedding, you get ready to walk down the aisle.  You make sure that someone is bringing her bouquet along and/or the florist is delivering it to the ceremony site.  If she makes it - Wonderful!  If the exam takes longer and she misses her flight or it gets delayed, NBD, she'll be there as soon as she can, and if she can't, you let it go and focus on the day at hand with who's there. 

    It'll make for harder feelings and dynamics if you cut out a FSIL from the WP than it will to potentially have unmatched sides, which really is NBD.  It sounds like she might have been better placed as a Groomswoman than BM from the way you make your present relationship with her out to be.  Don't demote her to read a poem - that's just insulting.  Let her take care of business that needs to be attended to with school.  Who knows, it'll probably make a great story years from now about the time she went to a college exam in a BM dress, went through TSA in a formal, and got there JUST on time!  It'll all work out.

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    [Deleted User]thisismynickname2hellohkb
  • OP, I get that wedding planning craziness can make you, well, a little crazy.  But seriously - sit down and truly think of what would happen if she was late to the wedding.  What stress would that truly cause you?  You can have 2 plans for the lineup, as a PP said.  The BMs are not required to get ready with you, so no issue there.  She misses photos, oh well - let your photographer know ahead of time that if she misses formals, you'd like to grab her during the reception to get a few shots with her.  She shows up late, wearing her BM dress, and... what?

    You can be bummed if she doesn't make it because she won't be there to witness your ceremony, but that's where it should end.  No part of this other than that has any true, lasting effect on your day.  Her education is more important than your wedding, and so is your relationship with her.  Take a deep breath and gain some perspective.  This is not life-ending.

    DO NOT REPLACE HER.  She is a person, not a prop.


    [Deleted User]lc07
  • If I were in your situation, in addition to (of course) not replacing her, I would also bend over backwards to make sure she understands there is no pressure from me.  That I understand how important her test is and it takes priority.  If she misses her flight because her test ran late, it's all good.  And I don't want her driving like a mad woman to make her flight.

    Basically, just let her know that, if something crazy happens and she misses the wedding entirely, it's okay and you'd understand.

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    MesmrEwetigerlily6
  • I know this is technically a dead conversation but I just wanted to post my experience for any lurkers out there considering doing this to a bridesmaid.  Several years ago I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding.  A month or two after she asked my brother got engaged and they scheduled their out of town wedding for the day before my friend's.  Naturally I could not choose between the two.  The out of town wedding was near Chicago which is a short 1 hour flight from St. Louis where we live.  Intially my friend was totally understanding and cool with me coming in the morning of the wedding.  One day out of the blue I get a call from her that she had been thinking and wanted me to step down as a bridesmaid.  While it hurt my feelings, I respected her wishes.  I ended up staying with my family and not going to her wedding at all and our friendship is pretty much limited to Facebook ever since. 
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    hellohkb
  • AW3380 said:
    I know this is technically a dead conversation but I just wanted to post my experience for any lurkers out there considering doing this to a bridesmaid.  Several years ago I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding.  A month or two after she asked my brother got engaged and they scheduled their out of town wedding for the day before my friend's.  Naturally I could not choose between the two.  The out of town wedding was near Chicago which is a short 1 hour flight from St. Louis where we live.  Intially my friend was totally understanding and cool with me coming in the morning of the wedding.  One day out of the blue I get a call from her that she had been thinking and wanted me to step down as a bridesmaid.  While it hurt my feelings, I respected her wishes.  I ended up staying with my family and not going to her wedding at all and our friendship is pretty much limited to Facebook ever since. 
    I may be a little overly emotional this week after a dramatic Xmas weekend but this just made me really sad.  So sorry that happened to you.  


    Heffalumphellohkb
  • AW3380 said:
    I know this is technically a dead conversation but I just wanted to post my experience for any lurkers out there considering doing this to a bridesmaid.  Several years ago I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding.  A month or two after she asked my brother got engaged and they scheduled their out of town wedding for the day before my friend's.  Naturally I could not choose between the two.  The out of town wedding was near Chicago which is a short 1 hour flight from St. Louis where we live.  Intially my friend was totally understanding and cool with me coming in the morning of the wedding.  One day out of the blue I get a call from her that she had been thinking and wanted me to step down as a bridesmaid.  While it hurt my feelings, I respected her wishes.  I ended up staying with my family and not going to her wedding at all and our friendship is pretty much limited to Facebook ever since. 

    So your friend kicked you out of her wedding because... you were only going to be back in town 5 hours before her wedding instead of 24 hours before???

    She couldn't even use a "I don't want to risk that you won't be back in time" excuse because if one pushes the speed limit they can make Chicago to St. Louis in under 5 hours in the event the flight got cancelled/postponed.

    Sorry that happened to you.
    MesmrEwehellohkb
  • AW3380 said:
    I know this is technically a dead conversation but I just wanted to post my experience for any lurkers out there considering doing this to a bridesmaid.  Several years ago I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding.  A month or two after she asked my brother got engaged and they scheduled their out of town wedding for the day before my friend's.  Naturally I could not choose between the two.  The out of town wedding was near Chicago which is a short 1 hour flight from St. Louis where we live.  Intially my friend was totally understanding and cool with me coming in the morning of the wedding.  One day out of the blue I get a call from her that she had been thinking and wanted me to step down as a bridesmaid.  While it hurt my feelings, I respected her wishes.  I ended up staying with my family and not going to her wedding at all and our friendship is pretty much limited to Facebook ever since. 
    @AW3380 that must have really hurt, but in the long run she has done you a favour. You didn't waste time on rushing to the wedding of someone that could so easily disregard you and spent it with people that were worth your time. You sound like a class act in the way you dealt with her.

    Its stories like this that SS brides really need to take note of when they say "its my special day, people will understand". Real people get hurt when people behave badly. And for what? One goddamn day. The way you do anything is the way you do everything.
                 
    YogaSandySP29[Deleted User]hellohkb
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry this happened to you.
  • @AW3380 What a jerk! There was seriously a problem that you were coming in the morning of? Because you had something you HAD to do with her the evening before? *sarcasm* 

    Well sounds like she did a great job of removing herself from you life. 

    So true @glasgowtolondon. While it's "one day", it is also your life. Just because one is getting married doesn't mean everything else about how they would normally conduct them self gets thrown out the window. 
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