Moms and Maids

Older sisters/younger nieces...

9 years separates me from my next oldest sister and my oldest niece (I'm 26, niece is 17 and my sister is 35). My other nieces are also teenagers, but my other sisters are in their 40s. I also have 3 best friends who I could never not have in my wedding.

My Fiance has 4 solid picks...what do I do!? I don't care about it being even on both sides, but I DON'T want 10 bridesmaids. I also don't know if my sisters really want to be in it...and all my nieces are practically begging me to be in it (the youngest one will only be 13 though...) I know it's up to me, but I'm completely stuck. 

I sound awful for even writing this, but is it wrong to lean towards just having my 3 best friends and calling it a day? Any advice/suggestions/help is appreciated!

Re: Older sisters/younger nieces...

  • YOU get to choose your own wedding party - nobody else!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MesmrEweYogaSandyInLoveInQueensSP29
  • edited December 2015
    I'm only having my 2 best friends in my bridal party. I do have an older sister (20 years apart), but we're not close. Just because you have sisters does not mean that they are required to be in your wedding party.

    Edited to change "wedding" party to "bridal" party

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Choose who you feel closest to. If that doesn't include your sisters or nieces, don't ask them.
    YogaSandy
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    9 years separates me from my next oldest sister and my oldest niece (I'm 26, niece is 17 and my sister is 35). My other nieces are also teenagers, but my other sisters are in their 40s. I also have 3 best friends who I could never not have in my wedding.

    My Fiance has 4 solid picks...what do I do!? I don't care about it being even on both sides, but I DON'T want 10 bridesmaids. I also don't know if my sisters really want to be in it...and all my nieces are practically begging me to be in it (the youngest one will only be 13 though...) I know it's up to me, but I'm completely stuck. 

    I sound awful for even writing this, but is it wrong to lean towards just having my 3 best friends and calling it a day? Any advice/suggestions/help is appreciated!
    If I were you, I'd ask your 3 best friends.  
    Heffalump
  • So your gaggle of Nieces want to be BM's, You want your Sisters out of obligation, and you want your three BFF's.  First, you start with individually asking what role(s) your siblings would be interested in having (NON-committal here - just fact-finding and be CLEAR about this!).  You never know, you may have some who have zero interest in being a BM but would love to be an usher or reader, or maybe they'd LOVE to be a BM.  Also, talk to the parents privately before asking the teens because they're caught in the "romance" of SYTTD and the idea of wearing formalwear and getting a small bouquet to carry (not how much that dress/alterations/shoes/undergarments/etc. is going to cost!)... 

    Next, what scares you about 10?  The My Big Fat Greek Wedding factor... cost... personalities...or ???  If it's the cost, with the nieces you could do more of a nosegay style bouquet, simpler dresses..  If it's shopping for dresses that stresses you out - how you handle it is ask the BM's what their budget and style preferences are, then you go shopping based on the lowest of the budgets or choose a color/fabric and send the BM's to David's to choose their own dresses.  If it's shopping for your dress - this should only be done with the smallest number of people humanly possible because the dress is all about you, too many cooks spoil the soup when dress shopping! 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    [Deleted User]
  • I wouldn't want 10 either @kelseyrose0713! Do you think your sisters would be upset? You don't say how many sisters you have, would it still be too many BMs if you just had sisters and 3 BFs? Not that you have to have your sisters at all of course.

    Nieces don't have to be in your WP, and all you have to say if they ask is 'bridesmaids will be 3x BFs and/or sisters. Have you tried the bean dip?' Or words to that effect.

    If they push the issue just be polite but firm. If it goes beyond that speak to their parents to explain.
                 
  • What do your sister's and niece's ages matter?! If you're close to them, ask them. The worst they can do is politely decline. If you're not close, ask who you are close to. And don't worry about numbers or your side v. his side. And don't feel limited to only women.

    There's also nothing wrong with having all teenage bridesmaids. Why would there be? All they have to do is wear something nice and walk down an aisle, possibly carrying a bouquet. I'm sure they are all quite capable of that.
    image
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm also wondering why the ages matter. I'm 35 - are you suggesting that people in their mid to late 30s and 40s are too old to be bridesmaids? 

    Just pick the people that you are closest to; your very best friends. That's it. 
    MesmrEwelyndausvi
  • To be fair on the age thing, when I asked my cousin's wife, who's 35 to be my bridesmaid, she cried, then said "but I thought I'm too old!" I never thought age was something to consider.  I just told her how much she has meant to FI and me, and that we wanted her to stand with us. 

    Pick the people who mean the most to you.  Include your friends. If you are super close with your sisters and/or nieces, include them.  Just remember if you do decide to include your nieces, make sure your sisters are okay with it.

    MesmrEwe
  • Thank you all for the responses! You're right, age should not be the factor but that's really not it. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that I would prefer to only have my 3 best friends, but don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I AM close with my sisters, but now that I'm in this position I just don't know how I feel about it all. 

    @MesmrEwe 10 scares me mainly because of cost, and because when we're only inviting 150 people...that's a lot to be in the bridal party! I think I would have to do nieces or sisters, or neither. 

    @glasgowtolondon I have 3 sisters, ranging in age from  35-45. 

    @climbingwife not at all what i'm suggesting. It is just a different dynamic. 

    Thanks again :)

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thank you all for the responses! You're right, age should not be the factor but that's really not it. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that I would prefer to only have my 3 best friends, but don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I AM close with my sisters, but now that I'm in this position I just don't know how I feel about it all. 

    @MesmrEwe 10 scares me mainly because of cost, and because when we're only inviting 150 people...that's a lot to be in the bridal party! I think I would have to do nieces or sisters, or neither. 

    @glasgowtolondon I have 3 sisters, ranging in age from  35-45. 

    @climbingwife not at all what i'm suggesting. It is just a different dynamic. 

    Thanks again :)

    Listen, I get it if you're not close to them. You don't have to include them. But to suggest that someone older won't jive/mesh/vibe with a younger bridal party, you're wrong. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Thank you all for the responses! You're right, age should not be the factor but that's really not it. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that I would prefer to only have my 3 best friends, but don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I AM close with my sisters, but now that I'm in this position I just don't know how I feel about it all. 

    @MesmrEwe 10 scares me mainly because of cost, and because when we're only inviting 150 people...that's a lot to be in the bridal party! I think I would have to do nieces or sisters, or neither. 

    @glasgowtolondon I have 3 sisters, ranging in age from  35-45. 

    @climbingwife not at all what i'm suggesting. It is just a different dynamic. 

    Thanks again :)

    Listen, I get it if you're not close to them. You don't have to include them. But to suggest that someone older won't jive/mesh/vibe with a younger bridal party, you're wrong. 
    Sorry but I disagree with this.  I am 31 and to be surrounded by early 20 somethings is beyond annoying to me (sorry).  We are in different places in our lives and have different interests at our different ages (from what I have encountered at least), so yeah I probably wouldn't jive/mesh/vibe well with younger people.  

    But of course age shouldn't be a determining factor in whether or not you choose someone to be your BM.  But it can be a determining factor in how close or not you are with someone.  If someone is a lot older or younger then you, regardless of blood relation, you may just not understand one another or each others lives.

    canadianteacherholyguacamole79InLoveInQueenswink0erin
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I  had 9 BM's ranging in age from 39 to 6 years old (5 were between 6 - 13)   My BMs were only together twice.  Once for the shower (which only 2 hosted) and the wedding weekend.  No drama, no regrets.

    It sounds like you only want your 3 BF's and that is fine.  But there is nothing wrong with having your older sisters and/or your nieces either.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    VicTim328
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thank you all for the responses! You're right, age should not be the factor but that's really not it. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that I would prefer to only have my 3 best friends, but don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I AM close with my sisters, but now that I'm in this position I just don't know how I feel about it all. 

    @MesmrEwe 10 scares me mainly because of cost, and because when we're only inviting 150 people...that's a lot to be in the bridal party! I think I would have to do nieces or sisters, or neither. 

    @glasgowtolondon I have 3 sisters, ranging in age from  35-45. 

    @climbingwife not at all what i'm suggesting. It is just a different dynamic. 

    Thanks again :)

    Listen, I get it if you're not close to them. You don't have to include them. But to suggest that someone older won't jive/mesh/vibe with a younger bridal party, you're wrong. 
    Sorry but I disagree with this.  I am 31 and to be surrounded by early 20 somethings is beyond annoying to me (sorry).  We are in different places in our lives and have different interests at our different ages (from what I have encountered at least), so yeah I probably wouldn't jive/mesh/vibe well with younger people.  

    But of course age shouldn't be a determining factor in whether or not you choose someone to be your BM.  But it can be a determining factor in how close or not you are with someone.  If someone is a lot older or younger then you, regardless of blood relation, you may just not understand one another or each others lives.
    We're talking about a bridal party in a wedding. You can't stand around with some 20 year olds and take pictures? Really? 
    [Deleted User]
  • edited December 2015







    Thank you all for the responses! You're right, age should not be the factor but that's really not it. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that I would prefer to only have my 3 best friends, but don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I AM close with my sisters, but now that I'm in this position I just don't know how I feel about it all. 

    @MesmrEwe 10 scares me mainly because of cost, and because when we're only inviting 150 people...that's a lot to be in the bridal party! I think I would have to do nieces or sisters, or neither. 

    @glasgowtolondon I have 3 sisters, ranging in age from  35-45. 

    @climbingwife not at all what i'm suggesting. It is just a different dynamic. 

    Thanks again :)


    Listen, I get it if you're not close to them. You don't have to include them. But to suggest that someone older won't jive/mesh/vibe with a younger bridal party, you're wrong. 

    Sorry but I disagree with this.  I am 31 and to be surrounded by early 20 somethings is beyond annoying to me (sorry).  We are in different places in our lives and have different interests at our different ages (from what I have encountered at least), so yeah I probably wouldn't jive/mesh/vibe well with younger people.  

    But of course age shouldn't be a determining factor in whether or not you choose someone to be your BM.  But it can be a determining factor in how close or not you are with someone.  If someone is a lot older or younger then you, regardless of blood relation, you may just not understand one another or each others lives.

    We're talking about a bridal party in a wedding. You can't stand around with some 20 year olds and take pictures? Really? 
    ETA: BOXBOXBOX


    Though it's only expected that members of the wedding party show up on time and pose for pictures, the reality of a lot of weddings is that they also get together for pre-wedding events like bachelorette parties, dress shopping, etc. perhaps what @maggie0829 and OP are suggesting is that a huge age difference could potentially make for an awkward dynamic during these events. Just because they're not expected doesn't mean they're not going to happen. OP is the one who knows her family members and friends, and perhaps her apprehension also has to do with the range of personalities/maturity levels/interests in addition to age.

    @kelseyrose0713 , I think you should go with your gut and have your best friends in your wedding party. Your wedding party should be a group of people with whom you know you'll enjoy everything that comes with your wedding the most.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Most of my friends are older than me - meaning people are that in their late 30s and early 40s. I personally don't spend much time with people in their 20s. And the people I have encountered lately in person that happen to be in their 20s I don't feel I have much in common with. They're not people I would purposely seek out and become friends with. However, when we're in a social situation, I have no problem conversing with them. I don't see how being in a bridal party with someone is any different. You're talking about possibly a few social situations (bridal shower, bach party, day of wedding). 


  • Ask yourself "who do I want standing up with me on the biggest day of my life when I marry the love of my life?"  Whoever that is should be your bridal party.  Pretty simple.  If you want just your three best friends, great. If you want your best friends & sisters, have them all (although I do understand that cost is a factor - more bridesmaids means more bouquets & more bridesmaid gifts!) 

    If you're worried about your sisters not meshing with the other bridal party, the good part is the bridesmaids really don't have to spend that much time as a group.  Your sisters can decline to be apart of the bachelorette party if your best friends choose to throw you one.  As bridesmaids, their only job is to show up, wear what they're asked to wear (within their budget), and stand up with you when you get married. Easy!  If you're not giving them "duties" I bet your sisters would love to stand up with you on your wedding day. 
    --

  •  
    Thank you all for the responses! You're right, age should not be the factor but that's really not it. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that I would prefer to only have my 3 best friends, but don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I AM close with my sisters, but now that I'm in this position I just don't know how I feel about it all. 

    @MesmrEwe 10 scares me mainly because of cost, and because when we're only inviting 150 people...that's a lot to be in the bridal party! I think I would have to do nieces or sisters, or neither. 


    SITB....

    How many guests you invite is immaterial to the size of your WP - your WP should be who you are closest to.  Whether that's 10 or just one, and in some cases, none.  Talking to people (NOT texting or over the phone if possible - but meet up even if it's just stopping by) is a good way to avoid hurt feelings. 

    As for cost, the main cost with BM's is really the add-ons and what you choose to cover.  The easier going you are, the less it'll cost you (i.e. "type of shoes", or "specific stylist" for the WP type things).  Say you choose to have 10 and you have $1000 budget - choose a dress that's affordable to the person with the lowest budget, think outside of the box, Prom season and holiday formal dresses are going to go on clearance, I've seen formals as low as $30 if you shop smart.  Some stores such as JCP, Sears, Macy's, Deb all offer formals in a variety of sizes.  Flowers - you don't need huge bouquets for your BM's, give your florist a $40 budget and flexibility - "filler flowers" and greens will stretch a bouquet without adding a ton of cost but also your choices in blooms makes a huge difference on how much a bouquet runs. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Thank you all for the responses! You're right, age should not be the factor but that's really not it. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that I would prefer to only have my 3 best friends, but don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I AM close with my sisters, but now that I'm in this position I just don't know how I feel about it all. 

    @MesmrEwe 10 scares me mainly because of cost, and because when we're only inviting 150 people...that's a lot to be in the bridal party! I think I would have to do nieces or sisters, or neither. 

    @glasgowtolondon I have 3 sisters, ranging in age from  35-45. 

    @climbingwife not at all what i'm suggesting. It is just a different dynamic. 

    Thanks again :)

    Listen, I get it if you're not close to them. You don't have to include them. But to suggest that someone older won't jive/mesh/vibe with a younger bridal party, you're wrong. 
    Sorry but I disagree with this.  I am 31 and to be surrounded by early 20 somethings is beyond annoying to me (sorry).  We are in different places in our lives and have different interests at our different ages (from what I have encountered at least), so yeah I probably wouldn't jive/mesh/vibe well with younger people.  

    But of course age shouldn't be a determining factor in whether or not you choose someone to be your BM.  But it can be a determining factor in how close or not you are with someone.  If someone is a lot older or younger then you, regardless of blood relation, you may just not understand one another or each others lives.
    We're talking about a bridal party in a wedding. You can't stand around with some 20 year olds and take pictures? Really? 
    Yup, that is exactly what I meant. **rolling eyes**

    What I meant is that I would not be asking young 20 somethings to be in my wedding because I would most likely never be super close to someone that age because of our differences.  Just because someone is a niece or an older sister doesn't automatically make them one of our nearest and dearest.  I feel like OP thinks she is obligated to ask some of these family members, but even though close to her sisters, her friends are more her nearest and dearest.

    SP29
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thank you all for the responses! You're right, age should not be the factor but that's really not it. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that I would prefer to only have my 3 best friends, but don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I AM close with my sisters, but now that I'm in this position I just don't know how I feel about it all. 

    @MesmrEwe 10 scares me mainly because of cost, and because when we're only inviting 150 people...that's a lot to be in the bridal party! I think I would have to do nieces or sisters, or neither. 

    @glasgowtolondon I have 3 sisters, ranging in age from  35-45. 

    @climbingwife not at all what i'm suggesting. It is just a different dynamic. 

    Thanks again :)

    Listen, I get it if you're not close to them. You don't have to include them. But to suggest that someone older won't jive/mesh/vibe with a younger bridal party, you're wrong. 
    Sorry but I disagree with this.  I am 31 and to be surrounded by early 20 somethings is beyond annoying to me (sorry).  We are in different places in our lives and have different interests at our different ages (from what I have encountered at least), so yeah I probably wouldn't jive/mesh/vibe well with younger people.  

    But of course age shouldn't be a determining factor in whether or not you choose someone to be your BM.  But it can be a determining factor in how close or not you are with someone.  If someone is a lot older or younger then you, regardless of blood relation, you may just not understand one another or each others lives.
    We're talking about a bridal party in a wedding. You can't stand around with some 20 year olds and take pictures? Really? 
    Yup, that is exactly what I meant. **rolling eyes**

    What I meant is that I would not be asking young 20 somethings to be in my wedding because I would most likely never be super close to someone that age because of our differences.  Just because someone is a niece or an older sister doesn't automatically make them one of our nearest and dearest.  I feel like OP thinks she is obligated to ask some of these family members, but even though close to her sisters, her friends are more her nearest and dearest.
    I think we already covered with OP to just ask her nearest and dearest, and if the sisters don't fall in that category, don't include them. 

    We're talking about a bridal party meshing well and you're talking about every day social situations, which doesn't apply. 
  • OP- Pick who you want, because they are important to you and you would like to honour them by having them stand beside you when you get married.

    The WP is completely your choice- you are not required or obligated to ask ANYONE, no less just because they are blood relations.

    I completely understand not wanting 10 people on your side. I have a bunch of close friends, but if I asked them all to stand up with me, who would be left watch the ceremony? ;) I asked 3 friends, 2 accepted. Perfect. 

    I can understand why your nieces would be excited and *want* to be in your WP. At the same time, the choice is still yours, and they'll get over it if they aren't. 

    Personally, I'd choose your 3 friends. Of course if you were very close with your sisters and nieces, I don't think age or meshing is what matters- choose them because you want to. But from what you've written, it doesn't quite sound like that. 
  • Thanks everyone! Sorry didn't mean for this to cause any drama!! 

    To be clear, I am very close with my sisters and my best friends are close with them too!! Meshing would not be an issue at all, although to @Maggie0829
    point they definitely feel older and a little out of place with being a bridesmaid. I think the main issue is everyone wants to be included in the day's events, but not necessarily to walk down the aisle. 

    Over the holidays I was with everyone and we came to a good compromise. Everyone will still be part of the day...hair/makeup, limo rides, pictures, etc. They can even dress alike. Just when it comes to walking down the aisle and standing there, it'll just be my 3 girlfriends. I am also going to try to work with our priest on a good way to incorporate my sisters during the wedding (without just asking them to read) and maybe having my nieces and I do something fun during the reception. Ideas on what that could be are greatly appreciated!!
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Thanks everyone! Sorry didn't mean for this to cause any drama!! 

    To be clear, I am very close with my sisters and my best friends are close with them too!! Meshing would not be an issue at all, although to @Maggie0829
    point they definitely feel older and a little out of place with being a bridesmaid. I think the main issue is everyone wants to be included in the day's events, but not necessarily to walk down the aisle. 

    Over the holidays I was with everyone and we came to a good compromise. Everyone will still be part of the day...hair/makeup, limo rides, pictures, etc. They can even dress alike. Just when it comes to walking down the aisle and standing there, it'll just be my 3 girlfriends. I am also going to try to work with our priest on a good way to incorporate my sisters during the wedding (without just asking them to read) and maybe having my nieces and I do something fun during the reception. Ideas on what that could be are greatly appreciated!!

    If the dressing alike is the sisters' idea, then great. Just don't ask them to do it.

    Regarding incorporating your sisters, is your wedding in a Catholic church? They could bring up the gifts. Or, if you're having a full Mass, they could be EMHCs (serve Communion) if they have been trained.
  • They can perform a reading, light candles, sign your marriage certificate as your witnesses, present the rings, say a blessing before dinner, give a toast, and you can give them all corsages. 

    Of course anyone can get ready with you the morning of. A few of my friends and I went to get our nails done together 2 days before my friend's wedding, even though we weren't in the WP. 

    Agreed on the "same dresses" front- only if THEY want this.
    MesmrEwe
  • Besides the readings - there's potential to have a couple of the teens as altar servers, Two to three to bring up the gifts, Ushers (which would make more sense if they were dressing alike) - which would also bring the runner to the back if you have a runner... Then add-on the readings. 

    When it comes to candles some churches are picky about who does this because silly as it sounds - too many don't know the basics when it comes to church candles so that they don't splash/dip wax... 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited January 2016
    By "dressing alike" do you mean amongst themselves or dressing like the bridesmaids? I think it's weird for people who aren't bridesmaids to dress like the bridesmaids. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards