Fiance Said He Didn't Want To Propose

Knottie1449515727

Short Version:
After separating, FI and I got back together. We have been together for almost four years, so we set a deadline for a proposal. I got antsy because 10 days before the deadline, he still did not have any preparations made that I was aware of (talking to parents, planning an evening either home or out, etc) and was saying we were not ready yet. I felt that after almost four years, we were as ready as we would ever be and I was worried he was waiting until the last minute to ask for an extension. He proposed the night he and I argued about getting married and told me the next day he compromised on the way he wanted to propose and that he felt forced to do it that night. A month later he does not want to make any sort of plans for the wedding and says we are still not ready yet and should not plan until we are ready to get married. To him, this means "30 to 60 days of consistent improvement" in areas he wants to work on (communication, our individual goals, getting a house, fitness, etc). 

I feel terrible that he felt forced to propose. I also feel like we are not really engaged because we have one foot in and the other out- he said he wants to marry me but doesn't know if it will happen (because all of the things he wants to work on have not been addressed to his satisfaction). Am I overreacting to feel like my engagement is a sham? How to I make this right?

Background: I am 28 and my FI is 44. Neither of us have been married before or have kids. We have been together almost 4 years. We separated for 3 months (I broke up with him) and then got back together 6 months ago. We discussed marriage multiple times over the course of our relationship and I was upfront about wanting to get married and have kids in the beginning of the relationship. I left because I was tired of waiting and didn't think he was going to ever propose. He kept insisting I was forcing it. In hindsight we were both right- I was forcing it a little and he was dragging his feet. 

Detailed version:
When we got back together I told him we needed to decide if we were going to move forward and get married or call it quits for good. He agreed, but listed things we had to work on such as communication, personal goals, fitness etc. We set a deadline for us to decide on whether we were getting married.

I compromised on the deadline (one extra month) and compromised on moving back in before we were engaged. We looked at rings a month before our deadline and I thought all was well. 10 days before our deadline, he still had not talked to my parents.  I had a frank discussion with him, telling him I felt like getting engaged wasn't a priority. He kept telling me I didn't believe he loved me and I needed to just let things happen; the deadline was stupid because we still hadn't resolved the list of things he wanted to work on yet. I told him we were actively working on things and that after almost four years, we should know if we wanted to get married. 

That night he asked if the only way for him to prove he loved me was to propose. I said yes, because I did not realize he meant that night; I thought he meant by our deadline. Later that night he proposed. It was beautiful and sweet, but the next day he said he felt like he was forced because he thought if he didn't ask me that night I would break up with him again and he compromised the way he wanted to do it. He was especially upset he didn't ask my parents. I apologized and asked if he wanted to forget it happened and have a "do over" later, He said no. 

A month later, he does not want to talk about wedding planning at all. He insists we are putting  the cart before the horse and need to work on things before we plan the wedding. He said he knows he wants to marry me, but doesn't know if it will happen because of me. I gave examples of everything I've done to work towards resolving the issues he felt we had, and then he said it had to be a joint effort. He said after 30-60 days of improvement we can start planning our wedding.

I know he loves me and I feel terrible that he felt forced to propose. I also feel like we are engaged with one foot out the door.How do I reconcile this? Am I overreacting to think he doesn't really want to marry me? 

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie1449515727 said:

Short Version:
After separating, FI and I got back together. We have been together for almost four years, so we set a deadline for a proposal. I got antsy because 10 days before the deadline, he still did not have any preparations made that I was aware of (talking to parents, planning an evening either home or out, etc) and was saying we were not ready yet. I felt that after almost four years, we were as ready as we would ever be and I was worried he was waiting until the last minute to ask for an extension. He proposed the night he and I argued about getting married and told me the next day he compromised on the way he wanted to propose and that he felt forced to do it that night. A month later he does not want to make any sort of plans for the wedding and says we are still not ready yet and should not plan until we are ready to get married. To him, this means "30 to 60 days of consistent improvement" in areas he wants to work on (communication, our individual goals, getting a house, fitness, etc). 

I feel terrible that he felt forced to propose. I also feel like we are not really engaged because we have one foot in and the other out- he said he wants to marry me but doesn't know if it will happen (because all of the things he wants to work on have not been addressed to his satisfaction). Am I overreacting to feel like my engagement is a sham? How to I make this right?

Background: I am 28 and my FI is 44. Neither of us have been married before or have kids. We have been together almost 4 years. We separated for 3 months (I broke up with him) and then got back together 6 months ago. We discussed marriage multiple times over the course of our relationship and I was upfront about wanting to get married and have kids in the beginning of the relationship. I left because I was tired of waiting and didn't think he was going to ever propose. He kept insisting I was forcing it. In hindsight we were both right- I was forcing it a little and he was dragging his feet. 

Detailed version:
When we got back together I told him we needed to decide if we were going to move forward and get married or call it quits for good. He agreed, but listed things we had to work on such as communication, personal goals, fitness etc. We set a deadline for us to decide on whether we were getting married.

I compromised on the deadline (one extra month) and compromised on moving back in before we were engaged. We looked at rings a month before our deadline and I thought all was well. 10 days before our deadline, he still had not talked to my parents.  I had a frank discussion with him, telling him I felt like getting engaged wasn't a priority. He kept telling me I didn't believe he loved me and I needed to just let things happen; the deadline was stupid because we still hadn't resolved the list of things he wanted to work on yet. I told him we were actively working on things and that after almost four years, we should know if we wanted to get married. 

That night he asked if the only way for him to prove he loved me was to propose. I said yes, because I did not realize he meant that night; I thought he meant by our deadline. Later that night he proposed. It was beautiful and sweet, but the next day he said he felt like he was forced because he thought if he didn't ask me that night I would break up with him again and he compromised the way he wanted to do it. He was especially upset he didn't ask my parents. I apologized and asked if he wanted to forget it happened and have a "do over" later, He said no. 

A month later, he does not want to talk about wedding planning at all. He insists we are putting  the cart before the horse and need to work on things before we plan the wedding. He said he knows he wants to marry me, but doesn't know if it will happen because of me. I gave examples of everything I've done to work towards resolving the issues he felt we had, and then he said it had to be a joint effort. He said after 30-60 days of improvement we can start planning our wedding.

I know he loves me and I feel terrible that he felt forced to propose. I also feel like we are engaged with one foot out the door.How do I reconcile this? Am I overreacting to think he doesn't really want to marry me? 

This sounds like a tough situation and I'm going to throw something out there you probably know deep down but don't want to admit (hence why you're here):  this guy sounds controlling and emotionally manipulative.  There are so many red flags in your story.  Run for the hills, rediscover you, you deserve better than someone who puts conditions and terms on your future.

I dated a guy like this and we had a very similar age difference.  I stayed and stayed because he really did love me and want to spend his life with me and if I stayed long enough he'd change his mind and marry me.  Nope.  He married the woman he dated after me after less than a year after meeting.  I wasnt it, thank God, because FI is the diamond I found from digging out of that guys coal.

You feel terrible because he's making you feel that way.  He chose to buy a ring, he chose to meet your deadline and propose and he's a grown ass man who can own his part.  And you probably set a deadline because you know he's never going to get serious about marriage and you're afraid to lose him.

And please do share, what fitness goals do you need to work on to be wifey material to this guy?

glasgowtolondon

Only you can say whether you and this man truly are 'meant to be', but in my experience relationships are not this hard. Tough times, yes of course - that will happen, but this sounds like more than that. This sounds like the fundamental relationship isn't working for you or him. If you feel like you are truly meant to be together then please consider councelling as it sounds like it would be of great benefit to you both. Perhaps it would also be of benefit to you alone too, maybe working through what you want/need by yourself would be good for you.

Also, this proposal pressure story makes me cringe a bit - sorry, OP. Whenever I read something like this it just sounds like a really bad start to a life together. Discussing and understanding what is important to you both is very different to deadlines and demands of certain behaviour. It sounds like neither of you is actually on the same page even with this proposal.

RlovesR

You know your situation better than anyone else, but I really can't imagine a happy marriage developing from this beginning the way you've described it. I think it's a lot more likely that you'll fail to meet his improvement goals, because he isn't going to set goals that are easily met.  And if you move heaven and earth to meet them, he's going to make you feel guilty for making him feel pressured to keep his word.

You've made it perfectly clear that you're willing and ready to marry him and he's backpedaling all over the place.That nonsense about wanting to marry you but it might not happen because of YOU is bull.  It just is. So, honestly, it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you.  It sounds like he doesn't want to lose you either, so you may be able to drag him kicking and screaming up the aisle if you really want to.  

But don't you want to marry someone is WANTS to marry you?  Someone who proposes without a deadline because he's excited about your future together?  Someone who doesn't insist you meet some fitness goal before he'll look at a venue with you?  

AddieCake

Wedding planning needs to be on hold. He doesn't want to marry you right now. As for how long you should wait until he does, only you can decide that.

I would stop wedding planning, stop "marriage talk," and see what happens. If in a couple months nothing seems different from him,  I would probably move on. I understand needing to work on things, but the fitness one is kind of a red flag for me, too. It's just a weird reason to not be ready to move forward with planning. 

climbingsingle

IMO, this is what happens when you force someone into proposing. He's not ready and he's been telling you he's not ready. You gave him an ultimatum and a deadline, and it sounds like he proposed without out his heart being in it. I think you need to ask yourself why you would want someone to propose without being ready. Do you really want to be married to this person for the rest of your life, or are you more focused on planning a wedding? 

I think you should put all wedding planning on hold and go to couple's counseling. 

STARMOON44

Break up with him. He doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't think you're good enough. He doesn't want what you want.

banana468

Get out. He doesn't want to be married so give him what he wants.

Stop trying to plan a future with him. What's next? You're pregnant and he's not happy you tricked him into it? Get out now before you have more baggage.

lyndausvi

It's time to move on.   

I was in a similar situation.  Dated an older guy for 5 years.  Was thinking marriage and he was never "ready".   Finally left him.  He ended up getting married 12 months later.  Yep, he met and married someone in a year.     I can kick myself for holding on to something that was never meant to be.


I'm not going to sugar coat anything.  It hurt really bad when I left.   It hurt even more that he proposed to some so quickly when we were together for so long. I had many doubts about myself.  Why I wasn't good enough? Why HER and not me?   Etc.    

Well, with time it did get better.  I started living a real life, not one waiting around for him to make up his mind to marry me.  I traveled a lot.  I ended moving to the islands and finding my dream job. All things that would have never happened being tied down to him.   I eventually became happier than I ever was with him.   Then met DH.   We were married before 2nd years of meeting.    

It's scary to leave someone you "invested" so much time with, that's why so many of us stay in relationships that no longer fit our needs.   We often can't see that leaving is the best thing for us.  

Good luck.   

TheCheeseWench

You lost me at "fitness goals". I'm sorry, but if he has fitness goals for HIMSELF, he can get off his ass and work on them. If he has fitness goals for YOU, he can jump in the lake. Either you embody what he wants in a wife, or you don't. You are not there for him to mold into what he is looking for.

Also I agree with PP. This relationship does not sound healthy. You need to move on. Neither of you will ever feel happy about the way the marriage started, because it was under duress. He clearly does not want to get married (no matter how much he says he does "later"). Actions are what matter, and he does not ACT like a man who wants to commit his life to you. You should not have forced the issue, because it rarely turns out well.

You however DO wasn't to get married and have kids. Go find the guy who WANTS to be the other half of that.

Sorry you are going through this.

AW3380

I agree with PPs, if he truly wanted to marry you he would do so now and not after certain items are "worked out."  He shouldn't want to fashion you into someone he deems worthy of marrying, he should actually be jumping for joy that you find him worthy of you!! I am another one who wasted too much time on someone in the past.  It hurt like hell to walk away but now that I have met my FI I am so glad I did.  This is no way to live your life or start a marriage.  Walking on eggshells is no fun and it is not fair to you.  Sometimes love is simply not enough.  I had to learn that lesson the hard way.  You are still so young, go out and explore and enjoy your life.  The right guy for you will come along and he will be everything you have ever wished for and more!!

I found talking to a counselor and reading the book There Goes The Bride by Rachel Safier really helped me make my decision to move on. 

Take care!

emmy72

I have to agree with the majority of posters--this isn't a good situation. You have an uneasy feeling for a REASON; he doesn't want to be married. And you shouldn't have to feel like you need to marry someone who isn't 110% ready for a lifetime of being with you.

Honestly, I would get out of this relationship now. Because best case scenario--like, if he changed his mind a year down the road and was suddenly okay with marriage--you'd still have this uneasy feeling within you, knowing that there was a loooooong time where he just didn't want to propose.

CMGragain

OP, I don't think this is personal on your FI's part.  It isn't that he doesn't want to be married to YOU.  He doesn't want to be married to ANYBODY!
He is 44 years old and has never been married?  I would be wondering why not.  If you two are right together, he should be begging you to marry him.

I think you need to find a man who wants the same things that you want.  You have the wrong guy.  I spent four years with the wrong man who was commitment shy.  When DH and I got back together after a nine year separation, he proposed in FOUR DAYS.  We will have been married 40 years in June.

Dump him and run, honey!