Asking only one FSIL to be a Bridesmaid

[Deleted User]

My FI and I have been together for over 4 years, and are just recently engaged. He has two younger sisters, one who is 25 and one who is 20. He is relatively close to each of them. I have always been closer to his youngest sister. She and I have similar personalities, and get along really well. His other sister is pretty much indifferent to me. When she comes over, she hangs out with him, and basically only talks to me when I ask her questions, or speak directly to her first. She has shown zero interest in being even remotely friendly with me over the past 4+ years.

His youngest sister helped him pick out the engagement ring, and was the only person who knew he was going to propose in advance. She's so excited, and really wants to be a part of everything.

I am having a small wedding party, and would like to include his youngest sister - not because she wants to be a part of everything (I'm well aware of etiquette, and am expecting nothing except that she show up with the dress on the day of the wedding) - but because I love her, and want her by my side.

My question is not should I include one sister and not the other. I want to know if anyone had similar situations, and how did you handle it? I don't think that his middle sister is going to be disappointed per se, but FI thinks that her feelings will be hurt if she's not asked. I don't want to bring it up to her, and I think it would be cruel to do so, but I know that it will be the elephant in the room regardless. Any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

If you're not close to the older FSIL, then you don't have to ask her to be on your side. However, your FI can certainly choose to ask her to be on his side (if he wants)

If she has shown little to no interest in creating a friendship with you then I would imagine that she has little to no interest in being in your BP. It may not be as big an issue as you think it would be.

Jen4948

Jax43615 said:

If you're not close to the older FSIL, then you don't have to ask her to be on your side. However, your FI can certainly choose to ask her to be on his side (if he wants)

If she has shown little to no interest in creating a friendship with you then I would imagine that she has little to no interest in being in your BP. It may not be as big an issue as you think it would be.

All of this. Don't ask her because anyone, including your FI, wants you to if you don't feel close to her. If he thinks her feelings will be hurt at not being asked, he can ask her to stand up on his side.

holyguacamole79

AisforA said:

My FI and I have been together for over 4 years, and are just recently engaged. He has two younger sisters, one who is 25 and one who is 20. He is relatively close to each of them. I have always been closer to his youngest sister. She and I have similar personalities, and get along really well. His other sister is pretty much indifferent to me. When she comes over, she hangs out with him, and basically only talks to me when I ask her questions, or speak directly to her first. She has shown zero interest in being even remotely friendly with me over the past 4+ years.

His youngest sister helped him pick out the engagement ring, and was the only person who knew he was going to propose in advance. She's so excited, and really wants to be a part of everything.

I am having a small wedding party, and would like to include his youngest sister - not because she wants to be a part of everything (I'm well aware of etiquette, and am expecting nothing except that she show up with the dress on the day of the wedding) - but because I love her, and want her by my side.

My question is not should I include one sister and not the other. I want to know if anyone had similar situations, and how did you handle it? I don't think that his middle sister is going to be disappointed per se, but FI thinks that her feelings will be hurt if she's not asked. I don't want to bring it up to her, and I think it would be cruel to do so, but I know that it will be the elephant in the room regardless. Any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

I agree with the others. However, I would caution you to think about family dynamics and how things will be when you spend holidays with your in-laws. Don't ask her out of obligation by any means; I would just think through all possible implications.

When my brother got married, both my sister and I were bridesmaids. She was close to both of us, though. Had she asked one and not the other, things would've been awkward.

Jen4948

holyguacamole79 said:

AisforA said:

My FI and I have been together for over 4 years, and are just recently engaged. He has two younger sisters, one who is 25 and one who is 20. He is relatively close to each of them. I have always been closer to his youngest sister. She and I have similar personalities, and get along really well. His other sister is pretty much indifferent to me. When she comes over, she hangs out with him, and basically only talks to me when I ask her questions, or speak directly to her first. She has shown zero interest in being even remotely friendly with me over the past 4+ years.

His youngest sister helped him pick out the engagement ring, and was the only person who knew he was going to propose in advance. She's so excited, and really wants to be a part of everything.

I am having a small wedding party, and would like to include his youngest sister - not because she wants to be a part of everything (I'm well aware of etiquette, and am expecting nothing except that she show up with the dress on the day of the wedding) - but because I love her, and want her by my side.

My question is not should I include one sister and not the other. I want to know if anyone had similar situations, and how did you handle it? I don't think that his middle sister is going to be disappointed per se, but FI thinks that her feelings will be hurt if she's not asked. I don't want to bring it up to her, and I think it would be cruel to do so, but I know that it will be the elephant in the room regardless. Any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

I agree with the others. However, I would caution you to think about family dynamics and how things will be when you spend holidays with your in-laws. Don't ask her out of obligation by any means; I would just think through all possible implications.

When my brother got married, both my sister and I were bridesmaids. She was close to both of us, though. Had she asked one and not the other, things would've been awkward.

If "all possible implications" means that the ILs get pissed because one of their daughters isn't a bridesmaid, that's something they need to get over and should never be a reason to choose anyone. They aren't entitled to expect the OP to ask their daughter just because she shares DNA with the groom.

holyguacamole79

Jen4948 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

AisforA said:

My FI and I have been together for over 4 years, and are just recently engaged. He has two younger sisters, one who is 25 and one who is 20. He is relatively close to each of them. I have always been closer to his youngest sister. She and I have similar personalities, and get along really well. His other sister is pretty much indifferent to me. When she comes over, she hangs out with him, and basically only talks to me when I ask her questions, or speak directly to her first. She has shown zero interest in being even remotely friendly with me over the past 4+ years.

His youngest sister helped him pick out the engagement ring, and was the only person who knew he was going to propose in advance. She's so excited, and really wants to be a part of everything.

I am having a small wedding party, and would like to include his youngest sister - not because she wants to be a part of everything (I'm well aware of etiquette, and am expecting nothing except that she show up with the dress on the day of the wedding) - but because I love her, and want her by my side.

My question is not should I include one sister and not the other. I want to know if anyone had similar situations, and how did you handle it? I don't think that his middle sister is going to be disappointed per se, but FI thinks that her feelings will be hurt if she's not asked. I don't want to bring it up to her, and I think it would be cruel to do so, but I know that it will be the elephant in the room regardless. Any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

I agree with the others. However, I would caution you to think about family dynamics and how things will be when you spend holidays with your in-laws. Don't ask her out of obligation by any means; I would just think through all possible implications.

When my brother got married, both my sister and I were bridesmaids. She was close to both of us, though. Had she asked one and not the other, things would've been awkward.

If "all possible implications" means that the ILs get pissed because one of their daughters isn't a bridesmaid, that's something they need to get over and should never be a reason to choose anyone. They aren't entitled to expect the OP to ask their daughter just because she shares DNA with the groom.

I'm not telling her to ask or not ask. I point blank said not to ask the other sister out of obligation. Only ask her if she truly wants her to be a BM (which it sounds like she's not).

I'm just saying that, depending on the dynamics of the sisters and the rest of the family, there may be tension down the road. I do agree with the OP that this could be an elephant in the room. All I'm saying is to handle this carefully and be sensitive to how the sisters and ILs may react.

VicTim328

agree with holyguac.  while family members shouldn't feel entitled or get into a hissy fit, doesn't mean that it won't create problems, which could have ramifications down the road.  i'd talk to FI and make sure you're on a united front.  i'd include both in the WP, but where they stand is up to the two of you.

Jen4948

holyguacamole79 said:

My FI and I have been together for over 4 years, and are just recently engaged. He has two younger sisters, one who is 25 and one who is 20. He is relatively close to each of them. I have always been closer to his youngest sister. She and I have similar personalities, and get along really well. His other sister is pretty much indifferent to me. When she comes over, she hangs out with him, and basically only talks to me when I ask her questions, or speak directly to her first. She has shown zero interest in being even remotely friendly with me over the past 4+ years.

His youngest sister helped him pick out the engagement ring, and was the only person who knew he was going to propose in advance. She's so excited, and really wants to be a part of everything.

I am having a small wedding party, and would like to include his youngest sister - not because she wants to be a part of everything (I'm well aware of etiquette, and am expecting nothing except that she show up with the dress on the day of the wedding) - but because I love her, and want her by my side.

My question is not should I include one sister and not the other. I want to know if anyone had similar situations, and how did you handle it? I don't think that his middle sister is going to be disappointed per se, but FI thinks that her feelings will be hurt if she's not asked. I don't want to bring it up to her, and I think it would be cruel to do so, but I know that it will be the elephant in the room regardless. Any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

I agree with the others. However, I would caution you to think about family dynamics and how things will be when you spend holidays with your in-laws. Don't ask her out of obligation by any means; I would just think through all possible implications. When my brother got married, both my sister and I were bridesmaids. She was close to both of us, though. Had she asked one and not the other, things would've been awkward.

If "all possible implications" means that the ILs get pissed because one of their daughters isn't a bridesmaid, that's something they need to get over and should never be a reason to choose anyone. They aren't entitled to expect the OP to ask their daughter just because she shares DNA with the groom.

I'm not telling her to ask or not ask. I point blank said not to ask the other sister out of obligation. Only ask her if she truly wants her to be a BM (which it sounds like she's not). I'm just saying that, depending on the dynamics of the sisters and the rest of the family, there may be tension down the road. I do agree with the OP that this could be an elephant in the room. All I'm saying is to handle this carefully and be sensitive to how the sisters and ILs may react.

If they want her to be in the WP, then she can stand up on the groom's side (if he wants her).  Who the bridesmaids and groomsmen are is not up to them.  This is one of the few areas of weddings that is solely up to the principals and the parents and other relatives do not get a say in even if they are paying for the whole thing.

The bride chooses her side, the groom chooses his, and everyone else gets over it.  His family is solely responsible for "ramifications down the road" - the bride is not responsible for them simply because she did not ask his sister to be a bridesmaid.

holyguacamole79

Jen4948 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

My FI and I have been together for over 4 years, and are just recently engaged. He has two younger sisters, one who is 25 and one who is 20. He is relatively close to each of them. I have always been closer to his youngest sister. She and I have similar personalities, and get along really well. His other sister is pretty much indifferent to me. When she comes over, she hangs out with him, and basically only talks to me when I ask her questions, or speak directly to her first. She has shown zero interest in being even remotely friendly with me over the past 4+ years.

His youngest sister helped him pick out the engagement ring, and was the only person who knew he was going to propose in advance. She's so excited, and really wants to be a part of everything.

I am having a small wedding party, and would like to include his youngest sister - not because she wants to be a part of everything (I'm well aware of etiquette, and am expecting nothing except that she show up with the dress on the day of the wedding) - but because I love her, and want her by my side.

My question is not should I include one sister and not the other. I want to know if anyone had similar situations, and how did you handle it? I don't think that his middle sister is going to be disappointed per se, but FI thinks that her feelings will be hurt if she's not asked. I don't want to bring it up to her, and I think it would be cruel to do so, but I know that it will be the elephant in the room regardless. Any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

I agree with the others. However, I would caution you to think about family dynamics and how things will be when you spend holidays with your in-laws. Don't ask her out of obligation by any means; I would just think through all possible implications.

When my brother got married, both my sister and I were bridesmaids. She was close to both of us, though. Had she asked one and not the other, things would've been awkward.

If "all possible implications" means that the ILs get pissed because one of their daughters isn't a bridesmaid, that's something they need to get over and should never be a reason to choose anyone. They aren't entitled to expect the OP to ask their daughter just because she shares DNA with the groom.



I'm not telling her to ask or not ask. I point blank said not to ask the other sister out of obligation. Only ask her if she truly wants her to be a BM (which it sounds like she's not).

I'm just saying that, depending on the dynamics of the sisters and the rest of the family, there may be tension down the road. I do agree with the OP that this could be an elephant in the room. All I'm saying is to handle this carefully and be sensitive to how the sisters and ILs may react.

If they want her to be in the WP, then she can stand up on the groom's side.  Who the bridesmaids are is not up to them.  This is one of the few areas of weddings that is solely up to the principals.  The bride chooses her side, the groom chooses his, and everyone else gets over it.  His family is solely responsible for "ramifications down the road" - the bride is not responsible for them simply because she did not ask his sister to be a bridesmaid.


You really didn't understand my point, but I'm not surprised.

Jen4948

holyguacamole79 said:

Jen4948 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

My FI and I have been together for over 4 years, and are just recently engaged. He has two younger sisters, one who is 25 and one who is 20. He is relatively close to each of them. I have always been closer to his youngest sister. She and I have similar personalities, and get along really well. His other sister is pretty much indifferent to me. When she comes over, she hangs out with him, and basically only talks to me when I ask her questions, or speak directly to her first. She has shown zero interest in being even remotely friendly with me over the past 4+ years.

His youngest sister helped him pick out the engagement ring, and was the only person who knew he was going to propose in advance. She's so excited, and really wants to be a part of everything.

I am having a small wedding party, and would like to include his youngest sister - not because she wants to be a part of everything (I'm well aware of etiquette, and am expecting nothing except that she show up with the dress on the day of the wedding) - but because I love her, and want her by my side.

My question is not should I include one sister and not the other. I want to know if anyone had similar situations, and how did you handle it? I don't think that his middle sister is going to be disappointed per se, but FI thinks that her feelings will be hurt if she's not asked. I don't want to bring it up to her, and I think it would be cruel to do so, but I know that it will be the elephant in the room regardless. Any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

I agree with the others. However, I would caution you to think about family dynamics and how things will be when you spend holidays with your in-laws. Don't ask her out of obligation by any means; I would just think through all possible implications.

When my brother got married, both my sister and I were bridesmaids. She was close to both of us, though. Had she asked one and not the other, things would've been awkward.

If "all possible implications" means that the ILs get pissed because one of their daughters isn't a bridesmaid, that's something they need to get over and should never be a reason to choose anyone. They aren't entitled to expect the OP to ask their daughter just because she shares DNA with the groom.

I'm not telling her to ask or not ask. I point blank said not to ask the other sister out of obligation. Only ask her if she truly wants her to be a BM (which it sounds like she's not).

I'm just saying that, depending on the dynamics of the sisters and the rest of the family, there may be tension down the road. I do agree with the OP that this could be an elephant in the room. All I'm saying is to handle this carefully and be sensitive to how the sisters and ILs may react.

If they want her to be in the WP, then she can stand up on the groom's side.  Who the bridesmaids are is not up to them.  This is one of the few areas of weddings that is solely up to the principals.  The bride chooses her side, the groom chooses his, and everyone else gets over it.  His family is solely responsible for "ramifications down the road" - the bride is not responsible for them simply because she did not ask his sister to be a bridesmaid.


You really didn't understand my point, but I'm not surprised.

Bullshit. I understood it perfectly. You were in a hurry to be snarky here just because I somewhat disagree with you.

Let me ask this. Let's say that originally the OP doesn't ask her FSIL and the FILs make a fuss. So is she supposed to ask her post-fuss? Would you want to be asked at that point?

Also, if she asks her FSIL from the start, she's stuck with her FSIL even if the FSIL is hostile or indifferent to her and she can't kick her out. It's better not to ask someone who hasn't given any indications that s/he will be anything other than happy to get the dress and show up in it on time, sober, and in truly good spirits. Otherwise, the couple could be letting themselves in for a lot of problems that got started because they were worried about "ramifications down the road," which amounts to allowing themselves to be emotionally blackmailed into having someone in their wedding out of obligation only, who isn't someone they are truly close to emotionally.

As Addie said in another thread about siblings in the wedding party, if it means that much to the FILs for their other children to be in the wedding party, they can get divorced and remarried and have their children in their own fucking wedding party instead of threatening "ramifications down the road," which is not a mature way of handling whatever disappointment they feel about it.

holyguacamole79

I point blank said "Don't ask her out of obligation by any means". All I'm saying is to be sensitive to the fact that, depending on the family dynamics, the "elephant in the room" OP said may be a real thing.

My brother's wife asked both me and my sister to be in her wedding party. I'm sure that had she asked one of us and not the other, there may have been hurt feelings and some tension from some of the family members. I know other families that would've been much more pissed. The reaction is definitely out of OP's control.

Bottom line - if she doesn't want her, don't ask her. People may be upset, and OP and her FI will need to be prepared if /when someone makes a comment.

Jen4948

holyguacamole79 said:

I point blank said "Don't ask her out of obligation by any means". All I'm saying is to be sensitive to the fact that, depending on the family dynamics, the "elephant in the room" OP said may be a real thing.

My brother's wife asked both me and my sister to be in her wedding party. I'm sure that had she asked one of us and not the other, there may have been hurt feelings and some tension from some of the family members. I know other families that would've been much more pissed. The reaction is definitely out of OP's control.

Bottom line - if she doesn't want her, don't ask her. People may be upset, and OP and her FI will need to be prepared if /when someone makes a comment.

Anyone who makes a comment on it is speaking out of turn. They may get their feelings hurt, but it's up to them to keep it to themselves.

I do think that the couple should be discreet, such as not asking one sister or discussing wedding party matters in the presence of the other (or anyone else).

But I don't think awkwardness or tensions will be avoided by having someone in the wedding party whom one isn't close to just to make the FILs happy. They will merely emerge in different ways.

holyguacamole79

Jen4948 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

I point blank said "Don't ask her out of obligation by any means". All I'm saying is to be sensitive to the fact that, depending on the family dynamics, the "elephant in the room" OP said may be a real thing.

My brother's wife asked both me and my sister to be in her wedding party. I'm sure that had she asked one of us and not the other, there may have been hurt feelings and some tension from some of the family members. I know other families that would've been much more pissed. The reaction is definitely out of OP's control.

Bottom line - if she doesn't want her, don't ask her. People may be upset, and OP and her FI will need to be prepared if /when someone makes a comment.

Anyone who makes a comment on it is speaking out of turn. They may get their feelings hurt, but it's up to them to keep it to themselves.

I do think that the couple should be discreet, such as not asking one sister or discussing wedding party matters in the presence of the other (or anyone else).

But I don't think awkwardness or tensions will be avoided by having someone in the wedding party whom one isn't close to just to make the FILs happy. They will merely emerge in different ways.

For the 4th time ..... I said not to ask her out of obligation. FFS.

Jen4948

holyguacamole79 said:

Jen4948 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

I point blank said "Don't ask her out of obligation by any means". All I'm saying is to be sensitive to the fact that, depending on the family dynamics, the "elephant in the room" OP said may be a real thing.

My brother's wife asked both me and my sister to be in her wedding party. I'm sure that had she asked one of us and not the other, there may have been hurt feelings and some tension from some of the family members. I know other families that would've been much more pissed. The reaction is definitely out of OP's control.

Bottom line - if she doesn't want her, don't ask her. People may be upset, and OP and her FI will need to be prepared if /when someone makes a comment.

Anyone who makes a comment on it is speaking out of turn. They may get their feelings hurt, but it's up to them to keep it to themselves.

I do think that the couple should be discreet, such as not asking one sister or discussing wedding party matters in the presence of the other (or anyone else).

But I don't think awkwardness or tensions will be avoided by having someone in the wedding party whom one isn't close to just to make the FILs happy. They will merely emerge in different ways.

For the 4th time ..... I said not to ask her out of obligation. FFS.

FFS yourself. Either one asks or one doesn't. There's no other option.

holyguacamole79

Jen4948 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

Jen4948 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

I point blank said "Don't ask her out of obligation by any means". All I'm saying is to be sensitive to the fact that, depending on the family dynamics, the "elephant in the room" OP said may be a real thing.

My brother's wife asked both me and my sister to be in her wedding party. I'm sure that had she asked one of us and not the other, there may have been hurt feelings and some tension from some of the family members. I know other families that would've been much more pissed. The reaction is definitely out of OP's control.

Bottom line - if she doesn't want her, don't ask her. People may be upset, and OP and her FI will need to be prepared if /when someone makes a comment.

Anyone who makes a comment on it is speaking out of turn. They may get their feelings hurt, but it's up to them to keep it to themselves.

I do think that the couple should be discreet, such as not asking one sister or discussing wedding party matters in the presence of the other (or anyone else).

But I don't think awkwardness or tensions will be avoided by having someone in the wedding party whom one isn't close to just to make the FILs happy. They will merely emerge in different ways.

For the 4th time ..... I said not to ask her out of obligation. FFS.

FFS yourself. Either one asks or one doesn't. There's no other option.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry this caused drama. I really didn't mean to! Thank you everyone for your responses. It really has given me a lot to think about. There are already weird dynamics in my FI's family, and I'm not sure things could get much weirder at this point. His mom and dad are still married, but his mother has two side boyfriends (that FFIL knows about!). No one from his immediate family talks to anyone from his dad's side of the family, and everyone, including his mom's side of the family can't stand his mother. So there's going to be a lot of weird drama regarding his family already. Maybe this will get lost in the shuffle. I'm not planning to do any wedding talk in front of his family anyway, so that shouldn't be too much of an issue.

banana468

Don't feel bad.   There's a poster here who likes to give advice in a vacuum.

Yes, if someone speaks about this then it's out of turn.   But plenty of people only speak when it isn't their turn (cough, cough).

My own MIL would not bite her tongue when it comes to really emotional events.   It's how she is.   Yes, you can tell her to back off but it's easier said than done when you're dealing with some people who are emotionally charged and never wrong - not that we have any people like that here on TK.

You shouldn't ask anyone simply out of obligation but it's a good idea to understand the family dynamics and their system before you make any decisions.   You don't always need to do things "their way" but you will need to be prepared for any reaction when you do stray from any family traditions.   

AddieCake

You didn't cause drama, OP. Sometimes fights and drama just happen. Welcome to TK!

Don't ask the FSIL with whom you aren't close. Not everyone gets a trophy, and even though it could be an elephant in the room, people need to learn to deal with these kinds of things.