Wedding 911

Are we being over looked? What can we do about it?

So the beginning of October 2015, I asked my boyfriend if we could have a Halloween wedding in 2016. He said yes! I was elated, Halloween is my favorite holiday, and he finally said we could start planning a wedding! We've already bought a house together and have two furbabies, so a wedding wasn't that far off.

Well, as I was gushing to my friends about it, she told me my now fiance's sister was planning a Halloween themed wedding for October 15. The last we heard, over a year ago, her wedding was going to be September 15 and we figured a month and a half was enough time between weddings. So I asked her about it and there was a massive blow out over the dates and similar themes. She had changed her date and never bothered to tell us. We weren't actually engaged yet when we confronted her about changing her date without telling us, so I had to change my date and theme to make her happy.

So here we are a couple months later, officially engaged and in the middle of planning a wedding for July 2016. I'm excited and the two bridesmaids I chose are excited and super helpful, but my fiance's sister can't even give me the time of day when I talk about my wedding and she's one of the bridesmaids! Anyways, she's pregnant again, life revolves around her again, but I'm a little offended and confused as to how his family is acting towards me. Our engagement wasn't "real" until I had a ring, well now I have one and they are still acting like it's not happening. When we announced our engagement at a family dinner, only his grandma congratulated us. His mom plays favorites and is solely committed to ensuring his sister she is God's gift to the earth, so whatever, but his sister has decided to start planning for her wedding now too.

Now, I don't have a good relationship with my own mom, at all, and the past two and half years I have been open with his mom with my feelings that I want a mom and I always promised myself when I got married, I would have a good relationship with my mother-in-law. And now, even though she knows all I want is a mom, she can't be bothered to help me plan, or even acknowledge that we are getting married. I feel like we are taking the back burner yet again because his sister is having another baby. Am I crazy to feel this way? Whenever I confront my fiance about it, he says it's always been this way and there is nothing he can do about it.
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Re: Are we being over looked? What can we do about it?

  • So the beginning of October 2015, I asked my boyfriend if we could have a Halloween wedding in 2016. He said yes! I was elated, Halloween is my favorite holiday, and he finally said we could start planning a wedding! We've already bought a house together and have two furbabies, so a wedding wasn't that far off.

    Well, as I was gushing to my friends about it, she told me my now fiance's sister was planning a Halloween themed wedding for October 15. The last we heard, over a year ago, her wedding was going to be September 15 and we figured a month and a half was enough time between weddings. So I asked her about it and there was a massive blow out over the dates and similar themes. She had changed her date and never bothered to tell us. We weren't actually engaged yet when we confronted her about changing her date without telling us, so I had to change my date and theme to make her happy.

    So here we are a couple months later, officially engaged and in the middle of planning a wedding for July 2016. I'm excited and the two bridesmaids I chose are excited and super helpful, but my fiance's sister can't even give me the time of day when I talk about my wedding and she's one of the bridesmaids! Anyways, she's pregnant again, life revolves around her again, but I'm a little offended and confused as to how his family is acting towards me. Our engagement wasn't "real" until I had a ring, well now I have one and they are still acting like it's not happening. When we announced our engagement at a family dinner, only his grandma congratulated us. His mom plays favorites and is solely committed to ensuring his sister she is God's gift to the earth, so whatever, but his sister has decided to start planning for her wedding now too.

    Now, I don't have a good relationship with my own mom, at all, and the past two and half years I have been open with his mom with my feelings that I want a mom and I always promised myself when I got married, I would have a good relationship with my mother-in-law. And now, even though she knows all I want is a mom, she can't be bothered to help me plan, or even acknowledge that we are getting married. I feel like we are taking the back burner yet again because his sister is having another baby. Am I crazy to feel this way? Whenever I confront my fiance about it, he says it's always been this way and there is nothing he can do about it.

    JIC
                 
    InLoveInQueensmadamerwinMesmrEwe[Deleted User]
  • Already replied on Wedding Woes:

    Definitely agree with PPs that you can't do anything about your FMIL not liking you (or appearing not to like you) and that it is reasonable that your actually engaged FSIL scheduled their wedding before you did yours. But I also want to point out that the bolded is a strange attitude to have. Weddings are great and fun and exciting, but babies are way better. My brother and SIL just announced that they're having a baby two months before my wedding, and I am over the moon excited for them. In fact, they took the day I went and bought my dress and made the announcement after that. I could whine and say something about "being overlooked" on an important day about an important thing, but since I'm a grown-up and know babies are amazing and more exciting than parties, I celebrated with them. Also, my other brother is getting married two months after me. Again, no one cares or is competing. We are all excited about all of these things. We're family and happy to celebrate each other's lives. That's it.

    Obviously it's not fun to feel like your FI's family isn't a huge fan of you, but this happens for a lot of people. Just plan your wedding and enjoy being engaged and stop being so negative about FSIL's wedding/life. If FILs come around, they do. But if they don't, you're marrying the love of your life, and that's all that matters.
    YogaSandy
  • Thank you, your reply is the only one that hasn't told me I'm being spoiled and whiney. I guess I left a lot out of the picture, which makes it seem like I want to be the center of attention. I'd really just like if someone acknowledge we were engaged and would offer help planning.
  • Alright, I'm seeing I didn't explain myself very well, and I'm coming off as bridezilla. My FSIL has been planning her wedding for a year and didn't tell us. Now that's fine, but when we ASKEF about her date, we didn't confront, we weren't mean about it, she had told get brother/my fiance that she was upset we would have been getting married so close to hers because she was going to ask me to be the maid of honor.

    She has asked,and I have said yes, and I have helped her pick out dresses, been her sounding board, thought of cakes and activities. When I told her we were getting my fiance's best friend ordained to officiate our wedding, she started asking her fiance if they could use him too since he would already be ordained. And I didn't say a thing about it. She has a 15 month old and a baby on the way, I go over to her house quite a bit to babysit, or even just keep her company.

    As far as dates go, when we picked our 10/31/16 date, I did book a place and a photographer. She hadn't booked anything yet, but her best friend started telling me how she's been planning an October wedding for a year now, how she was so excited to have a masquerade wedding. My fiance was not comfortable by how upset his sister was, so he pressured me to change our date.

    All of this is fine and dandy, but I don't understand why, even though I've been helping her a lot, neither her, nor her mom have offered to help me.

    And my sister is my best friend, she helps me with everything. Someone asks why I would even ask her to be in my wedding, because she's always been with me. And telling me to go to therapy for my mommy issues makes you appear to be a terrible human being, I honestly hope you don't treat people around you like that.
  • @glasgowtolondon I took to the Internet in hopes of finding people who had meaningful and helpful advice as to how to get his mom more involved in his wedding. But all I'm finding is this site is full of rude, hateful people. The common thread has been "get over it and go to therapy," so I do see that this is something I just have to suck it up and deal with, I'm just caught off guard by the number of negative replies I've seen.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2015
    I asked why you would have HIS sister in the wedding, not yours. Upon re reading your post, I think I misinterpreted that she was in the wedding. 

    ETA: And in another post you say you have repeatedly threatened to kick your own sister out. Nice.


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    HeffalumpInLoveInQueens
  • @glasgowtolondon I took to the Internet in hopes of finding people who had meaningful and helpful advice as to how to get his mom more involved in his wedding. But all I'm finding is this site is full of rude, hateful people. The common thread has been "get over it and go to therapy," so I do see that this is something I just have to suck it up and deal with, I'm just caught off guard by the number of negative replies I've seen.
    I am confused. I read through this whole thread, and no one has been rude or hateful to you. In fact, almost everyone on here has sympathized with you - it DOES suck that you don't have the relationship you want with your FMIL and FSIL, but unfortunately, you can only control how you feel. Maybe as time goes on, your relationships will improve, but as they say, it takes two to tango.

    As at least one PP has said - and this is not a personal attack - therapy CAN be very helpful in dealing with past hurts related to family dynamics. No one called you whiny, no one said you have "mommy issues" - though clearly you interpreted it this way, which is something you need to own.

    People have given advice - was it blunt in some places? Yes. That is the nature of this forum. Were people rude/hateful? Absolutely not. I encourage you to step back and take the advice you have been given without reading into the tone. 

    I agree with all the advice you have been offered, and I really don't have anything to add on that front. Best of luck with your FILs - I hope with time it all works out!
    BabyFruit Ticker
    sparklepants41OliveOilsMom
  • All people try to do on TK is offer advice and SOMETIMES that advice ends up being about something completely different than the question being asked by the whomever the OP is. That's only because the question being asked is typically coming from somewhere else/other issues that need to be dealt with.

    We all know you didn't come here to be given advice about anything other than getting your FSIL and FMIL more involved in your wedding. What we're saying is, is that there are other things going on here that you need to realize and possibly confront personally.

    And therapy is a great option for all kinds of issues - especially for rocky relationships or trouble surpassing a certain situation/event. It's not being offered as an insult here. I wouldn't be who I am without it.
    madamerwin[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • @holyguacamole79 that is honestly the most helpful thing I've read.
    @madamerwin @Jax43615, it was my other post on wedding woes that people were "not so nicely" suggesting therapy. Maybe I do need to take a step back and let go of this image I thought his family would be to me.

    But I am honestly so disappointed that my fiance is getting married and his family still treats him like a shadow. This is his sister's second baby, his mom's third grandchild, I kind of hoped that they would pay a little bit more attention to my fiance because having new babies in the family wasn't, well, new anymore.
  • @holyguacamole79 that is honestly the most helpful thing I've read. @madamerwin @Jax43615, it was my other post on wedding woes that people were "not so nicely" suggesting therapy. Maybe I do need to take a step back and let go of this image I thought his family would be to me. But I am honestly so disappointed that my fiance is getting married and his family still treats him like a shadow. This is his sister's second baby, his mom's third grandchild, I kind of hoped that they would pay a little bit more attention to my fiance because having new babies in the family wasn't, well, new anymore.
    Wedding Woes is my home board, and I didn't see anyone there doing anything like this.  Can you be a little more specific?  I'm just not seeing it.
     My therapist told me something that I think will help you. He said, "You now know that your mom is not in a place right now to give you the support that you need. And that's okay. You realize this and need to stop expecting her to provide the level of support that you need." It was hard to hear, but he was completely right.
    This is such good life advice, for any situation.
    InLoveInQueens
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2015
    @holyguacamole79 that is honestly the most helpful thing I've read. @madamerwin @Jax43615, it was my other post on wedding woes that people were "not so nicely" suggesting therapy. Maybe I do need to take a step back and let go of this image I thought his family would be to me. But I am honestly so disappointed that my fiance is getting married and his family still treats him like a shadow. This is his sister's second baby, his mom's third grandchild, I kind of hoped that they would pay a little bit more attention to my fiance because having new babies in the family wasn't, well, new anymore.
    I'm glad to help.  I'll send you a portion of my therapist's bill ;)

    My sister's baby was the 5th grandchild on her husband's side.  Her in-laws got just as crazy excited about him as my parents did (1st grandbaby on our side).  It's exciting regardless of if it's the 1st or 10th.  

    I can relate to being disappointed about ILs.  Heck, I think my sister's ILs talk to me more than my own ILs talk to me.  (H and I have gone to visit my sister & her husband a few times since the baby has been born).  It's just different personalities.  My ILs are nice enough ... they just have more in common with my husband's sons and their wives.  

    I really do think that talking to someone like a therapist would be helpful.  I've been seeing a therapist on & off for 8 years.  It's incredibly helpful to get an outsider professional POV and to get coping skills.
    loggersdaughter92
  • @glasgowtolondon I took to the Internet in hopes of finding people who had meaningful and helpful advice as to how to get his mom more involved in his wedding. But all I'm finding is this site is full of rude, hateful people. The common thread has been "get over it and go to therapy," so I do see that this is something I just have to suck it up and deal with, I'm just caught off guard by the number of negative replies I've seen.

    I don't agree that the advice given hasn't been meaningful and helpful. I think that it has been truthful and sometimes that is hard to hear, but I don't believe that it is beneficial to anyone to pretend that up isn't up. I also disagree that 'get over it and go to therapy' (your words, no one elses) is a slight. As someone who has benefited greatly from therapy I think anyone with unresolved issues should treat it as a great kindness to themselves.

    I'm guessing you didn't lurk before posting else you might have noticed that this forum isn't the type to blow smoke up your arse.
                 
    madamerwinthespeshulestsnowflakeYogaSandy[Deleted User]
  • @themosthappy91 Honestly, you are right. I am highly offended that I have come off as a crazy bridezilla to everyone who has read the post, especially because they don't personally know his family. I've spent 3 years trying to fit in, I've put a lot of effort into being part of his family.

    A new baby is exciting, of course, I'm not saying it's not exciting. I guess I am stepping way out of line by hoping that his family might show the slightest interest that he is getting married. I mean, they are the reason we didn't elope, they all said they would be sad if there wasn't a wedding. I've miscarried two babies already, so there is that twinge of jealousy and then guilt because his sister can so easily carry a baby.

    But people have made me see just how unreasonable I am being. His family dynamics are what they are, there is no point in being upset about them, and especially no point in crying to strangers about it.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @themosthappy91 Honestly, you are right. I am highly offended that I have come off as a crazy bridezilla to everyone who has read the post, especially because they don't personally know his family. I've spent 3 years trying to fit in, I've put a lot of effort into being part of his family. A new baby is exciting, of course, I'm not saying it's not exciting. I guess I am stepping way out of line by hoping that his family might show the slightest interest that he is getting married. I mean, they are the reason we didn't elope, they all said they would be sad if there wasn't a wedding. I've miscarried two babies already, so there is that twinge of jealousy and then guilt because his sister can so easily carry a baby. But people have made me see just how unreasonable I am being. His family dynamics are what they are, there is no point in being upset about them, and especially no point in crying to strangers about it.

    What does your FI have to say about all this?
  • I am sorry that your FILS aren't behaving the way that you hoped.  There is nothing you can do about it.  Look at it this way - lots of brides complain about interfering FILS that want to control the wedding.  Since they aren't interested, you will be free to plan your wedding the way you want it.  Yes, it is YOUR job to plan your wedding, and your fiances, too.  It is not your bridesmaids' job, so thank them when they offer to help you!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    holyguacamole79loggersdaughter92SP29
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2015

    I've miscarried two babies already, so there is that twinge of jealousy and then guilt because his sister can so easily carry a baby.

    I overlooked this part. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. The ex-gf in my story ("Sue") miscarried as well, and it was her 4th miscarriage. She and my brother broke up shortly after that. Had she stayed around, it would've been INCREDIBLY painful for her, especially since her due date was the day after my sister's due date. Had she & my brother stayed together and decided to marry, it would've been much like your situation.

    You're genuinely hurt and disappointed. I would be, too. You (and your FI) need to decide where to go from here.

    This is not meant to be a dig ... I really think you'd benefit from working with a therapist on this. Also, talk to your FI, as this is something you two are going through together.
    loggersdaughter92OliveOilsMom
  • @loggersdaughter92 I think you've taken our feedback well, I know its not always easy to do that. I genuinely do hope you are able to take a step back and see the situation for what it is.

    I speak from experience when I say realising the only person within your control is yourself, and realising that you can decide how much others behaviour can affect you and how you choose to react can be very freeing. Obviously its easier said than done! I really do wish you well and hope you consider some of the advice given. 
                 
    SP29
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