Website RSVPs for wedding guests and afterparty guests alike

danindi

I feel like my question falls at the intersection of a couple potential boards, but thought I'd start here. Bear with me!

So: my fiancé and I are planning to have a small (read: 45-48) guest list. We have an extremely tight budget in NYC and found a fantastic restaurant that could fit it. The event space actually has a physical limitation of 48 people. There are locals, who are friends, that if we had a larger budget or more space, I'd have liked to include. But, in the interest of both space and budget, I did have to focus on closest friends and family. 

We're having a brunch reception, and what he and I had thought we'd do is have an afterparty that night at a bar, reserve some seats, and buy a bar tab/some small snacks and we'd be able to celebrate with more people. Plus, there's not really a lot of room for dancing at our venue so we figured this would be our chance to ~party down~. We've both, independently, been invited to parties like this after a small wedding, which is why the idea crossed our minds. 

My question here is just related to: how should I invite people to the afterparty? 

I've elected to create a wedding website here on The Knot, and my plan was to have an online RSVP option for my guests (plus sending out paper response cards just in case someone is the opposite of me and can manage to mail one on time). I'd thought I could use it to share details for the afterparty for our friends, but now as I am getting into editing the wedding's guest list, I'm dubious about having a secondary RSVP set up for people not invited to the wedding. 

Should I leave the wedding website strictly for the wedding guests and maybe just invite afterparty guests separately? Or is there nothing wrong in sharing the wedding website with everyone? 

I do tend to overthink pretty mundane things, and I suspect that's probably happening here, but figured it's worth asking. Thanks!

JediElizabeth

danindi said:

I feel like my question falls at the intersection of a couple potential boards, but thought I'd start here. Bear with me!

So: my fiancé and I are planning to have a small (read: 45-48) guest list. We have an extremely tight budget in NYC and found a fantastic restaurant that could fit it. The event space actually has a physical limitation of 48 people. There are locals, who are friends, that if we had a larger budget or more space, I'd have liked to include. But, in the interest of both space and budget, I did have to focus on closest friends and family. 

We're having a brunch reception, and what he and I had thought we'd do is have an afterparty that night at a bar, reserve some seats, and buy a bar tab/some small snacks and we'd be able to celebrate with more people. Plus, there's not really a lot of room for dancing at our venue so we figured this would be our chance to ~party down~. We've both, independently, been invited to parties like this after a small wedding, which is why the idea crossed our minds. 

My question here is just related to: how should I invite people to the afterparty? 

I've elected to create a wedding website here on The Knot, and my plan was to have an online RSVP option for my guests (plus sending out paper response cards just in case someone is the opposite of me and can manage to mail one on time). I'd thought I could use it to share details for the afterparty for our friends, but now as I am getting into editing the wedding's guest list, I'm dubious about having a secondary RSVP set up for people not invited to the wedding. 

Should I leave the wedding website strictly for the wedding guests and maybe just invite afterparty guests separately? Or is there nothing wrong in sharing the wedding website with everyone? 

I do tend to overthink pretty mundane things, and I suspect that's probably happening here, but figured it's worth asking. Thanks!

I'm not sure you're going to get the advice you're looking for here. What you've proposed is a tiered wedding, which generally hurts the feelings of those only invited to the after party. In the US, it's not considered good etiquette.

Is there a way you can accommodate everyone for your wedding, maybe by looking outside of Manhattan? In my experience venue shopping, I've found that NJ prices are somewhere around 50-75% of NYC prices for the same experience. (I live NJ and work in NYC, so that's where I looked.) I think Long Island & Westchester are probably around the same.

Viczaesar

danindi said:

I feel like my question falls at the intersection of a couple potential boards, but thought I'd start here. Bear with me!

So: my fiancé and I are planning to have a small (read: 45-48) guest list. We have an extremely tight budget in NYC and found a fantastic restaurant that could fit it. The event space actually has a physical limitation of 48 people. There are locals, who are friends, that if we had a larger budget or more space, I'd have liked to include. But, in the interest of both space and budget, I did have to focus on closest friends and family. 

We're having a brunch reception, and what he and I had thought we'd do is have an afterparty that night at a bar, reserve some seats, and buy a bar tab/some small snacks and we'd be able to celebrate with more people. Plus, there's not really a lot of room for dancing at our venue so we figured this would be our chance to ~party down~. We've both, independently, been invited to parties like this after a small wedding, which is why the idea crossed our minds. 

My question here is just related to: how should I invite people to the afterparty? 

I've elected to create a wedding website here on The Knot, and my plan was to have an online RSVP option for my guests (plus sending out paper response cards just in case someone is the opposite of me and can manage to mail one on time). I'd thought I could use it to share details for the afterparty for our friends, but now as I am getting into editing the wedding's guest list, I'm dubious about having a secondary RSVP set up for people not invited to the wedding. 

Should I leave the wedding website strictly for the wedding guests and maybe just invite afterparty guests separately? Or is there nothing wrong in sharing the wedding website with everyone? 

I do tend to overthink pretty mundane things, and I suspect that's probably happening here, but figured it's worth asking. Thanks!

Easy answer.  You don't - it's rude.  Everybody you invite needs to be invited to the whole shebang.

geebee908

If you choose to have a smaller wedding, please own that choice and don't make some of your friends feel like they're good enough to celebrate your wedding (and by implication, are good enough to give you a gift), but aren't good enough to actually see you get married.

holyguacamole79

I agree with the others. If you want to have a celebration like this, do so another time so that it's not officially part of the wedding.

danindi

Is there a way you can accommodate everyone for your wedding, maybe by looking outside of Manhattan? In my experience venue shopping, I've found that NJ prices are somewhere around 50-75% of NYC prices for the same experience. (I live NJ and work in NYC, so that's where I looked.) I think Long Island & Westchester are probably around the same.

Well.. I mean, the venue is in Brooklyn, and has been booked since May. So we're not really changing things up-- the wedding is in four months.

danindi

I've honestly never been bothered the times I've been involved in the afterparties, but I suppose to each their own. It didn't occur to me that it was considered rude.

Truly, the main reason behind an "afterparty" stemmed from the fact that we were having such an early event and there's limited room for dancing anyway. We could afford a couple hundred dollars for a bar tab but we can't spend a few grand more on a larger venue; the thing is we're in our 30s and 40s, saving for a house, and he has a kid with expenses. Blowing 10K on a wedding is just not feasible. I suppose we could just stick with the afterparty for guests-only, and not bother inviting anyone else. 

I am curious about this suggestion--
"I agree with the others. If you want to have a celebration like this, do so another time so that it's not officially part of the wedding."
--like, okay, let's talk about that... is this just a regular old party? Is it a, "We got married 6 months ago, let's have a party" type of a party? How do you frame it so it isn't an afterthought? I'm genuinely curious; is this something people do, or not really? 

glasgowtolondon

I totally get that you are saving for a house and have a kid therefore can't afford to have the wedding you would ideally like. That's adulthood, welcome - we all have to do it. I'm sure most of us on here had to compromise on something due to budget. I know that might sound harsh but I'm just trying to point out that no one is owed a dream wedding. I'm sure you'll find many women on here paying for their own wedding with other big expenses in their lives. I definitely think you could have an after party with the just guests invited to your wedding, I'm sure they would think that was awesome!

You can also have what is called a celebration of marriage party, generally people might have this if they were married away from home and want to celebrate with friends and family that were not able to be present. Often people have them as a vow renewal maybe a year later, but most of the stories we hear on here are basically 'my day wasn't special enough and I want to do over'. Honestly since the reception is the most expensive part of the day I don't understand why this would be an option later but not on the day itself.

JediElizabeth

danindi said:

I've honestly never been bothered the times I've been involved in the afterparties, but I suppose to each their own. It didn't occur to me that it was considered rude.

Truly, the main reason behind an "afterparty" stemmed from the fact that we were having such an early event and there's limited room for dancing anyway. We could afford a couple hundred dollars for a bar tab but we can't spend a few grand more on a larger venue; the thing is we're in our 30s and 40s, saving for a house, and he has a kid with expenses. Blowing 10K on a wedding is just not feasible. I suppose we could just stick with the afterparty for guests-only, and not bother inviting anyone else. 

I am curious about this suggestion--

"I agree with the others. If you want to have a celebration like this, do so another time so that it's not officially part of the wedding."

--like, okay, let's talk about that... is this just a regular old party? Is it a, "We got married 6 months ago, let's have a party" type of a party? How do you frame it so it isn't an afterthought? I'm genuinely curious; is this something people do, or not really? 

I don't think you can...

Most of the time, when you see these, it's because the couple was married elsewhere, like a destination wedding, or a wedding where one or both families are too far away to make it. I've never heard of someone having a local wedding, then a local party for the people not invited later. It seems hard to justify.

STARMOON44

danindi said:

I've honestly never been bothered the times I've been involved in the afterparties, but I suppose to each their own. It didn't occur to me that it was considered rude.

Truly, the main reason behind an "afterparty" stemmed from the fact that we were having such an early event and there's limited room for dancing anyway. We could afford a couple hundred dollars for a bar tab but we can't spend a few grand more on a larger venue; the thing is we're in our 30s and 40s, saving for a house, and he has a kid with expenses. Blowing 10K on a wedding is just not feasible. I suppose we could just stick with the afterparty for guests-only, and not bother inviting anyone else. 

I am curious about this suggestion--
"I agree with the others. If you want to have a celebration like this, do so another time so that it's not officially part of the wedding."

--like, okay, let's talk about that... is this just a regular old party? Is it a, "We got married 6 months ago, let's have a party" type of a party? How do you frame it so it isn't an afterthought? I'm genuinely curious; is this something people do, or not really? 

It's called hosting a party. You can do it anytime you want to have a celebratory fun time with people. You pick a venue, figure out how to pay for everything (a couple hundred dollars isn't going to cover drinks for everyone, so you need to figure out a realistic budget), invite people, and enjoy. The focus isn't on them celebrating you it's on you two being good hosts.

Having it the day of your wedding makes it seem like the point is them celebrating you. That's why it comes across as rude, since you didn't include them in the whole occasion.

SP29

You can have a party at any time, for any reason, as long as you host your guests fairly and equally.

You can have a party at a later date, with all of your friends, but it wouldn't be your wedding. 

Also if you are telling your guests, "Come to this party we are throwing as Husband and Wife!" it needs to be hosted by you- the whole event, for all guests. And while it is fine to limit selection of what you are offering, it would not be cool to say only have a tab that lasts for an hour of your 3 hour event. This would be different than "We are going to hang out at X bar at Y time, if you want to come". In this case, you aren't throwing a party, you're just letting your guests know where you'll be. It is less formal, does not require an RSVP, and you aren't required to host anything. 

We got married in our hometown, and several of our friends from where we lived at the time could not make it. A month later, we hosted a "our first dinner party as husband and wife". It was hosted at our apartment. Not related to our wedding. 

Unless you are inviting all of the guests to all the same events, it would not be appropriate to have any sort of after party related to your wedding website. 

justsie

STARMOON44 said:

I've honestly never been bothered the times I've been involved in the afterparties, but I suppose to each their own. It didn't occur to me that it was considered rude.

Truly, the main reason behind an "afterparty" stemmed from the fact that we were having such an early event and there's limited room for dancing anyway. We could afford a couple hundred dollars for a bar tab but we can't spend a few grand more on a larger venue; the thing is we're in our 30s and 40s, saving for a house, and he has a kid with expenses. Blowing 10K on a wedding is just not feasible. I suppose we could just stick with the afterparty for guests-only, and not bother inviting anyone else. 

I am curious about this suggestion--

"I agree with the others. If you want to have a celebration like this, do so another time so that it's not officially part of the wedding."

--like, okay, let's talk about that... is this just a regular old party? Is it a, "We got married 6 months ago, let's have a party" type of a party? How do you frame it so it isn't an afterthought? I'm genuinely curious; is this something people do, or not really? 

It's called hosting a party. You can do it anytime you want to have a celebratory fun time with people. You pick a venue, figure out how to pay for everything (a couple hundred dollars isn't going to cover drinks for everyone, so you need to figure out a realistic budget), invite people, and enjoy. The focus isn't on them celebrating you it's on you two being good hosts. Having it the day of your wedding makes it seem like the point is them celebrating you. That's why it comes across as rude, since you didn't include them in the whole occasion.

This is how I see it too. To me its saying I want you to come a celebrate me and my love but I don't want to invite you to the part that cost money because you don't mean that much. Either I meant enough to you to be a part of the wedding or I didn't. I second what above poster said, have a party, be great hosts because you want to be good hosts to your friends and enjoy a good party with friends, it doesn't have to be about you and the wedding. 

danindi

glasgowtolondon said:

I totally get that you are saving for a house and have a kid therefore can't afford to have the wedding you would ideally like. That's adulthood, welcome - we all have to do it. I'm sure most of us on here had to compromise on something due to budget. I know that might sound harsh but I'm just trying to point out that no one is owed a dream wedding. 

Oh believe me, none of this is about being "owed a dream wedding". I don't have a dream wedding in mind, and never really have (other than the stress dreams I started getting trying to plan the damn thing :P ). Just to clarify, I also am not making the mistake of thinking I'm the only one who's paying for other things in life.. I dunno, I was just trying to explain reasons behind the small wedding. 

The vow renewal later on as a "do over" does strike me as a bit odd, I suppose, but then I've never been to one. I've been trying to avoid undue pressure regarding planning and expectations; like, the end result of the whole day just should be that we are married, and we had a good time doing it. Maybe we'll just scrap any celebrations with friends who aren't invited altogether, regardless of the timing. 

AddieCake

The only way to do this is not to host anything. Tell people "We're going out Saturday night at ABCs if anybody wants to come out." That makes it just going out, not a wedding event.

And even doing that, I still think it's kind of awkward and iffy to invite people who were not invited to the wedding since it's the same day.

glasgowtolondon

danindi said:

glasgowtolondon said:

I totally get that you are saving for a house and have a kid therefore can't afford to have the wedding you would ideally like. That's adulthood, welcome - we all have to do it. I'm sure most of us on here had to compromise on something due to budget. I know that might sound harsh but I'm just trying to point out that no one is owed a dream wedding. 

Oh believe me, none of this is about being "owed a dream wedding". I don't have a dream wedding in mind, and never really have (other than the stress dreams I started getting trying to plan the damn thing :P ). Just to clarify, I also am not making the mistake of thinking I'm the only one who's paying for other things in life.. I dunno, I was just trying to explain reasons behind the small wedding. 

The vow renewal later on as a "do over" does strike me as a bit odd, I suppose, but then I've never been to one. I've been trying to avoid undue pressure regarding planning and expectations; like, the end result of the whole day just should be that we are married, and we had a good time doing it. Maybe we'll just scrap any celebrations with friends who aren't invited altogether, regardless of the timing. 


------------------
Yep, those bloody stress dreams are horrible! Mine is always the same one!

I definitely think you would be doing the right thing to scrap extra celebrations with people that aren't invited to the wedding itself. Your wedding will be amazing. Then you can drink and dance as a married couple with all the people that choose to join you guys at the bar, sounds like an awesome time to me! People not invited will understand this more than a tiered invitation.

Eta: ahhh boxes today!

SP29

danindi said:

The vow renewal later on as a "do over" does strike me as a bit odd, I suppose, but then I've never been to one. I've been trying to avoid undue pressure regarding planning and expectations; like, the end result of the whole day just should be that we are married, and we had a good time doing it. Maybe we'll just scrap any celebrations with friends who aren't invited altogether, regardless of the timing. 

This is a great expectation to have!

There is nothing wrong with a small wedding, there is nothing wrong with a budget. No one is owed an invitation to your wedding. You do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you are having a small wedding.

Definitely no one on this board would make a judgement on that- in fact posters would applaud you for having your head on straight and realizing the most important part of the day is that you are married!

Where you will get called out is hosting guests poorly- inviting some to the entire portion of your wedding, while only inviting others to the "party" is considered rude because it's placing your guests into tiers. 

I'd skip the after party. If you and your FH decide later that night you wish to hit the bar, and you want to tell some friends where you'll be, go for it. If you then decide to order a round for everyone, go for that too. But once you begin to host an event, you're on for the whole event, and keep it separate from your wedding. 

mntravelingmama

Do not do this, and definitely do not post anything about an "after-party" on your website.  If you want to get together with friends the night of your wedding, just let people know via word of mouth.

lyndausvi

I went to an OOT wedding at a restaurant in NYC.  There were about 50 people.  No dancing.    It was very lovely.  There was great conversation and good food.   No one missed dancing or a "typical" party atmosphere.

Personally I would enhance the experience of the 50 people coming, then add on an after-party.

holyguacamole79

danindi said:

I've honestly never been bothered the times I've been involved in the afterparties, but I suppose to each their own. It didn't occur to me that it was considered rude.

Truly, the main reason behind an "afterparty" stemmed from the fact that we were having such an early event and there's limited room for dancing anyway. We could afford a couple hundred dollars for a bar tab but we can't spend a few grand more on a larger venue; the thing is we're in our 30s and 40s, saving for a house, and he has a kid with expenses. Blowing 10K on a wedding is just not feasible. I suppose we could just stick with the afterparty for guests-only, and not bother inviting anyone else. 

I am curious about this suggestion--
"I agree with the others. If you want to have a celebration like this, do so another time so that it's not officially part of the wedding."

--like, okay, let's talk about that... is this just a regular old party? Is it a, "We got married 6 months ago, let's have a party" type of a party? How do you frame it so it isn't an afterthought? I'm genuinely curious; is this something people do, or not really? 

I would honestly just have a party.   Be careful about  labeling it as marriage related because of your point about risking it looking like an after thought.   Just party.   

I have a close friend who got married last year.   It was a very small wedding, and my husband & I were not invited.   No big deal.  Not everyone needs to be included in everything.   Had we been invited to what you are suggesting, I would feel like we somehow didn't make the cut and we got the consolation prize.   

thisismynickname2

OP, my sister had an immediate-family-only wedding with fantastic food and open bar at an upscale restaurant and it was great (no dancing, just the big meal). As a PP said, friends understand small weddings and totally understand not being invited to everything. Just have the wedding you have planned, and when you get that house you're saving for, have people over then!

SP29

A friend of mine got married this summer. The ceremony and reception was held at a beautiful restaurant on the lake- restaurant was rented out only for the wedding. 50 guests. Ceremony outside on the lawn, reception inside. There was a DJ and dancing in the centre of the room after dinner. Great wedding! 

Jen4948

danindi said:

I feel like my question falls at the intersection of a couple potential boards, but thought I'd start here. Bear with me!

So: my fiancé and I are planning to have a small (read: 45-48) guest list. We have an extremely tight budget in NYC and found a fantastic restaurant that could fit it. The event space actually has a physical limitation of 48 people. There are locals, who are friends, that if we had a larger budget or more space, I'd have liked to include. But, in the interest of both space and budget, I did have to focus on closest friends and family. 

We're having a brunch reception, and what he and I had thought we'd do is have an afterparty that night at a bar, reserve some seats, and buy a bar tab/some small snacks and we'd be able to celebrate with more people. Plus, there's not really a lot of room for dancing at our venue so we figured this would be our chance to ~party down~. We've both, independently, been invited to parties like this after a small wedding, which is why the idea crossed our minds. 

My question here is just related to: how should I invite people to the afterparty? 

I've elected to create a wedding website here on The Knot, and my plan was to have an online RSVP option for my guests (plus sending out paper response cards just in case someone is the opposite of me and can manage to mail one on time). I'd thought I could use it to share details for the afterparty for our friends, but now as I am getting into editing the wedding's guest list, I'm dubious about having a secondary RSVP set up for people not invited to the wedding. 

Should I leave the wedding website strictly for the wedding guests and maybe just invite afterparty guests separately? Or is there nothing wrong in sharing the wedding website with everyone? 

I do tend to overthink pretty mundane things, and I suspect that's probably happening here, but figured it's worth asking. Thanks!

If only your friends are invited to the afterparty, your website is not the place to invite them, because it can lead wedding guests who are not among your intended afterparty guests to believe that they are invited to the afterparty.

I'd just invite your afterparty guests by other means as discreetly as possible.  And I would not invite anyone to the afterparty who isn't invited to the wedding itself.  Sorry, but it is really not polite to "include" people by inviting them to side events but not the actual wedding.

MandyMost

If it's a wedding-invitee-only event, then you're having a major gap between the brunch wedding and the evening after-party. If it's an everyone's-invited event, then you're having a tiered reception (some people for brunch, more people for dancing later) AND a major gap.

Have an event that's not tiered and does not have a gap (the brunch). Word-of-mouth (or email, or text, or whatever) let people know that you are planning to go out for dinner and dancing many hours later after brunch and they are welcome to join, if you really want to go out that night. But I would still stick to the wedding invitees only, so it doesn't seem tiered. 


I think it's totally fine to invite all your friends to a big night out of drinks and dancing at some point after your wedding. My friends did this a lot for their birthdays in our 20's and early 30's...The "host" would reserve a space or a few tables at a bar, make sure all the guests are on the bouncer's list so they don't have to wait in line or pay a cover to get in. They would just send an email or evite or word-of-mouth along the lines of "Join Jane for a 30th birthday celebration at Joe's Bar on 7th Street! 9pm until late. (No cover if you arrive before 10pm)". No one ever expected there to be an open bar, and there never was. Lots of times the "host" would order some apps ahead of time, though, for the group. I'd call the event something like "We may be married, but we still like to dance" or something equally cheeky. It's casual, no RSVPs needed, and should only cost a few hundred dollars at most. 

SP29

MandyMost said:

If it's a wedding-invitee-only event, then you're having a major gap between the brunch wedding and the evening after-party. If it's an everyone's-invited event, then you're having a tiered reception (some people for brunch, more people for dancing later) AND a major gap.

Have an event that's not tiered and does not have a gap (the brunch). Word-of-mouth (or email, or text, or whatever) let people know that you are planning to go out for dinner and dancing many hours later after brunch and they are welcome to join, if you really want to go out that night. But I would still stick to the wedding invitees only, so it doesn't seem tiered. 


I think it's totally fine to invite all your friends to a big night out of drinks and dancing at some point after your wedding. My friends did this a lot for their birthdays in our 20's and early 30's...The "host" would reserve a space or a few tables at a bar, make sure all the guests are on the bouncer's list so they don't have to wait in line or pay a cover to get in. They would just send an email or evite or word-of-mouth along the lines of "Join Jane for a 30th birthday celebration at Joe's Bar on 7th Street! 9pm until late. (No cover if you arrive before 10pm)". No one ever expected there to be an open bar, and there never was. Lots of times the "host" would order some apps ahead of time, though, for the group. I'd call the event something like "We may be married, but we still like to dance" or something equally cheeky. It's casual, no RSVPs needed, and should only cost a few hundred dollars at most. 

This is OK, because it is two separate events. The wedding has already occurred and is over. That would be like saying you shouldn't have a welcome dinner, because there is a huge gap between the night before and the wedding, or similar with a morning after breakfast. However, the wedding and after party should have separate invitations, as they are separate events.

I do agree though on guest list- if the after party is still related to the wedding, it should not involve anyone who wasn't invited to the wedding. 

 

ready2wed59

I am confused by the responses to this post... can someone help me out?  I have been lurking for a while, I saw responses on the etiquette is regional? thread that said having a party after a wedding, a totally separate event to the wedding was totally okay as long as it wasn't the reception. I think they were referencing the Royal Wedding?  So if this couple is having a brunch reception for all of those attending the wedding and then a separate party that night, that isn't okay??

poodledoodleooo

I'm with @ready2wed59. I feel like they'd be completely different events. The wedding and reception occurred in the morning. Now it's time for a completely different gathering. It'd be like having a bridal shower in the AM and a bachelorette in the evening - two separate things and I would imagine you wouldn't have to invite all the shower guests to the bach party too. ! I'd call, text, email, Facebook the folks I would like to be aware we'd love to see them there if they are around and keep it super informal and obvious that it's more of "meet up" than a hosted party. I'd buy the apps and maybe the first round, but ensure the invite was casual enough that people knew and expected that they'd be covering their own tabs. I also wouldn't bill it as a "after party" or have any connection to the wedding, really - I wouldn't wear my big, white dress, or carry flowers, for example. I'd just say "hey Joe and I are available in the evening of [date] and plan to go to The Super Cool bar at XX:XX PM and we hope we can see you there!"

ETA: I do see that despite the fact that they'd be separate events that some people still might be miffed by this arrangement simply because the bar gathering is still on the night of the wedding day, so I'd still tread cautiously, or possibly just not do it.

delujm0

Technically having a separate event after your ceremony and reception with a different guest list isn't against etiquette.  You send separate invitations, you don't call it a wedding, and you host it fully.  "Celebration of marriage" is fine.  I wouldn't personally do this the same day as the wedding, but that's because i was exhausted after my wedding and wouldn't have wanted to deal with hosting a second event a few hours later.

 

As long as the guests are properly hosted, and you are not calling this a wedding or reception, but rather a celebration of marriage, proceed.  However, if you are not planning on fully hosting it, it would be better for you to just tell friends via word of mouth that you'll be at X bar on X night at X time and be done with it.  Sending invitations and having RSVPs indicates that you are hosting this party, and that means drinks, etc for the full time that the party is occurring (if the invitation says 8pm-11pm, you can cut off your tab at 11 even if some guests decide to stay later though - that's not on you).

Maggie0829

ready2wed59 said:

I am confused by the responses to this post... can someone help me out?  I have been lurking for a while, I saw responses on the etiquette is regional? thread that said having a party after a wedding, a totally separate event to the wedding was totally okay as long as it wasn't the reception. I think they were referencing the Royal Wedding?  So if this couple is having a brunch reception for all of those attending the wedding and then a separate party that night, that isn't okay??

Personally I don't agree with what was said about the Royal wedding.  All the events that day had to do with the fact that two people got married.  Hell the Duchess changed into another wedding gown for the following parties so to say what they did was okay is really splitting hairs to me.  To me it was a tiered wedding, but just in reverse.  So in regards to an after party, it is only happening because you just had a wedding so those invited should be those who were included in the wedding guest list.  To have a morning brunch wedding and then a late night party with a completely separate guests list that includes people that weren't included in the wedding guest list does not sit well with me.  People can say all they want that they are two completely separate parties/events, but lets be serious, we all know that they are about and for the same thing...the fact that two people just got married.  To use the "well the wedding is over and this is a completely separate event" excuse is kind of bullshit.  The only reason you are having this party is because you basically want to keep the celebration going.  So to me, the guest list for the after party should be the same as your wedding guest list.  Spread the message via word of mouth if you aren't hosting the party or, if you are hosting it, include a separate card in your wedding invite package noting the after party details and then have the RSVP for that after party on the same card as your wedding RSVP.

LondonLisa

ready2wed59 said:

I am confused by the responses to this post... can someone help me out?  I have been lurking for a while, I saw responses on the etiquette is regional? thread that said having a party after a wedding, a totally separate event to the wedding was totally okay as long as it wasn't the reception. I think they were referencing the Royal Wedding?  So if this couple is having a brunch reception for all of those attending the wedding and then a separate party that night, that isn't okay??

@ready2wed59 and @PoodleDoodleOoo  She wanted to invite people to this after-party to celebrate their wedding who were not invited to the wedding at all. Anything wedding related is strictly for people invited to the wedding. Even with a shower in the morning and a hen do in the evening, everyone is still invited to the big event: the Wedding. So to answer the question, no: pre-wedding party invitations, wedding websites, wedding after party invitations, etc., should not be shared with anyone not invited to your wedding.

The difference between the royal wedding thread and this is that everyone invited to each of the parties on the day was invited to the ceremony and reception. Think of it this way:

1000 people invited to the ceremony
Same 1000 invited to reception

Of that same 1000- 200 (who were all invited to the ceremony and reception) were invited to a fully hosted separate after-party. Kate and Wills didn't invite an additional 200 people who they couldn't host at the 1000 person wedding. 

What OP is suggesting is having a wedding of 45 people. And then after that inviting an additional (hypothetically) 90 people who were not invited to the ceremony and reception.

Yes, they technically are 2 different events, but I feel like it is kind of rubbing salt in the wound of your friends that aren't invited. And based on OP's previous posts, her wedding ends at 4 in the afternoon So yes, maybe hours later, but not exactly a over by noon, out on the town at 10pm completely separate events. If I were a guest, I would probably go grab a drink/dinner and not change clothes. 

The mere fact that you are calling it an "after-party" and not just a party, is showing that you see it as a wedding-related event.  You aren't going to be able to NOT talk about your wedding (that occurred hours ago) or get over the fact that it is your wedding day. Mixing invited and non-invited friends at an afterparty is very rude a recipe for hurt feelings and ended friendships. Do you really think those that made the wedding cut will be able to stay quiet about the wedding? Of course not, they'll be talking all about it with you and excited to celebrate because they are in "wedding celebration mode".  I'd be hurt if I was invited to what I thought was "Susan's party" to everyone dressed in wedding guest attire and hear that a good chunk of the guest list came from "Susan's wedding" that happened that same day! I think it is highly, highly ambitious at best, and really inconsiderate at worst, to think that you are able to host another non-wedding related event on your wedding day gracefully and without hurt feelings. 

So day-of "afterparty"= ONLY wedding guests

Night after or weekend after= anyone as it is just a party (and make sure it is not wedding related). 

ready2wed59

That makes a lot more sense! Thank you! @LondonLisa

thisismynickname2

Since I brought up the Royal wedding in the other thread, I'll comment again and say I agree with Maggie and Lisa ^^.

I have to say, I find a "non wedding party" on the same day as the wedding and reception rather ridiculous. If you throw a party with your friends a week later, two weeks later, fine. But people have so many valid reasons for a small wedding- intimacy of event, money, dream location, less stress. To have a party with non-wedding invitees immediately after the reception feels like invalidating any small-wedding logic you might have had to begin with. Clearly you want to celebrate with these people, so, find a way to invite them to your ceremony and reception in the first place!