who comes first in addressing this envelope?

laurad75

Are women traditionally listed first on an invite?  We are inviting a male friend with his girlfriend.  I do not know her so it feels weird to list her first.  

thisismynickname2

I actually thought it was the other way around; male first (but seems I was wrong). 
Look up the Crane's stationary website and find their etiquette section. It has just about every type of social grouping available and how to address accordingly.
Here's what I see:

SINGLE MAN & DATE

Outside Envelope

Mr. Brent Habitz

Inside Envelope

Mr. Habitz and guest

top

UNMARRIED COUPLE LIVING TOGETHER

Outside Envelope

Miss Brooke Siegel
Mr. Daniel Murphy

OR

Ms. Brooke Siegel
Mr. Daniel Murphy

Inside Envelope

Ms. Siegel
Mr. Murphy

Edit to add: Instead of "and guest" put the girlfriend's actual name.

If you don't have an inner and outer envelope, address the outer like you would the inner. 

CMGragain

You never put "and" between the names of unmarried people.  Technically, if they are not living together, they should each get their own invitation.

Ms. Jane Doe
Mr. John Jones

Maggie0829

CMGragain said:

You never put "and" between the names of unmarried people.  Technically, if they are not living together, they should each get their own invitation.

Ms. Jane Doe
Mr. John Jones

Yes, but as OP mentioned she doesn't even know this woman so I can see how it would be incredibly strange to send an invite to this woman's residence.  I am sure the girlfriend would be wondering who the heck these people are and why she is invited to their wedding.

OP, the girlfriend should be listed first, as PP have noted, but send the invite to the person you know best, which in this case would be the guy. 

CMGragain

Maggie0829 said:

CMGragain said:

You never put "and" between the names of unmarried people.  Technically, if they are not living together, they should each get their own invitation.

Ms. Jane Doe
Mr. John Jones

Yes, but as OP mentioned she doesn't even know this woman so I can see how it would be incredibly strange to send an invite to this woman's residence.  I am sure the girlfriend would be wondering who the heck these people are and why she is invited to their wedding.

OP, the girlfriend should be listed first, as PP have noted, but send the invite to the person you know best, which in this case would be the guy. 

Assuming that the girlfriend already knows about the wedding, it is not at all strange to address an invitation to her.  On the other hand, if this is just a plus one situation, I would address the invitation to Mr. John Doe and Guest on the inner envelope, and to Mr. John Doe on the outer envelope.

Maggie0829

CMGragain said:

Maggie0829 said:

CMGragain said:

You never put "and" between the names of unmarried people.  Technically, if they are not living together, they should each get their own invitation.

Ms. Jane Doe
Mr. John Jones

Yes, but as OP mentioned she doesn't even know this woman so I can see how it would be incredibly strange to send an invite to this woman's residence.  I am sure the girlfriend would be wondering who the heck these people are and why she is invited to their wedding.

OP, the girlfriend should be listed first, as PP have noted, but send the invite to the person you know best, which in this case would be the guy. 

Assuming that the girlfriend already knows about the wedding, it is not at all strange to address an invitation to her.  On the other hand, if this is just a plus one situation, I would address the invitation to Mr. John Doe and Guest on the inner envelope, and to Mr. John Doe on the outer envelope.

You are assuming that the girlfriends boyfriend has talked about this wedding with her on multiple occasions, because that is the only way this person would know about this wedding.  I am sorry, but I doubt that is the case.  I mean, unless the guy is in the wedding then the girlfriend may not have any clue that anyone is getting married.

I'm sorry but I am with OP.  I would feel incredibly weird about sending an invite to a person that I do not know and is only getting invited because she is the SO of another guest.

laurad75

Thank you.  In the case I was originally asking about they do live together so that will be easy.   

On a couple of other invites they do not live together but the other person is a plus one so I don't want to send them their own invitation.  They would not be invited to our wedding if they were not in a relationship with the person who we are inviting.  For example, John is invited to our wedding and he is currently dating Susie.  We know Susie but she would not be invited if she wasn't dating John.  I don't think we should send an invitation to both John and Susie in that case.

We are not having an inner envelope and the wedding is more on the casual side if that makes a difference.  

Maggie0829

laurad75 said:

Thank you.  In the case I was originally asking about they do live together so that will be easy.   

On a couple of other invites they do not live together but the other person is a plus one so I don't want to send them their own invitation.  They would not be invited to our wedding if they were not in a relationship with the person who we are inviting.  For example, John is invited to our wedding and he is currently dating Susie.  We know Susie but she would not be invited if she wasn't dating John.  I don't think we should send an invitation to both John and Susie in that case.

We are not having an inner envelope and the wedding is more on the casual side if that makes a difference.  

Well according to CMGr you should send an invite to both John and Susie at their personal addresses.  But personally I do not think that is necessary (yes let the etiquette gods strike me down).  I think one invite per couple is more then satisfactory.  Both are invited by name and if they for some reason break up before your wedding they are still both welcome to attend because they were both invited.

But for any lurkers, if you are inviting a friend and their SO and you do not know their SO well or have never met their SO do not feel like you HAVE to send their SO their own invite.  Sending one invite to the primary guest with BOTH names listed is more then satisfactory and probably be a lot less confusing for the couple.

laurad75

Thank you @Maggie0829.  

And the envelope should be addressed:

Ms. Susie Herlastname
Mr. John Hislastname

Marvelous Lane
Awesomeville, CT. 11111

Yes?

I realize I may be breaking an etiquette rule by not sending an invite to her house I think that's weird.  

Maggie0829

Yup how you have it listed is correct.

And no worries about breaking this etiquette rule, the etiquette police won't be knocking at you door

CMGragain

The etiquette police do assume that young people are not living together before marriage!   Times have changed, and etiquette is trying to change with it.  There is no one perfect answer for this question.  Isn't it nice that etiquette can be flexible?

Maggie0829

CMGragain said:

The traditionalist etiquette police do assume that young people are not living together before marriage!   Times have changed, and etiquette is trying to change with it.  There is no one perfect answer for this question.  Isn't it nice that etiquette can be flexible?

FTFY.  Mainly because living together before marriage has nothing to do with etiquette and everything to do with tradition.

Personally I don't see this as an etiquette issue, but rather a moving away from doing things the "traditional" way.

Knottie1436436203

I find myself trying to remember how I usually put our names when I sign cards and stuff and I think I usually put Jane’s name first but I’m not sure haha.

[Deleted User]

CMGragain said:

Maggie0829 said:

CMGragain said:

You never put "and" between the names of unmarried people.  Technically, if they are not living together, they should each get their own invitation.

Ms. Jane Doe
Mr. John Jones

Yes, but as OP mentioned she doesn't even know this woman so I can see how it would be incredibly strange to send an invite to this woman's residence.  I am sure the girlfriend would be wondering who the heck these people are and why she is invited to their wedding.

OP, the girlfriend should be listed first, as PP have noted, but send the invite to the person you know best, which in this case would be the guy. 

Assuming that the girlfriend already knows about the wedding, it is not at all strange to address an invitation to her.  On the other hand, if this is just a plus one situation, I would address the invitation to Mr. John Doe and Guest on the inner envelope, and to Mr. John Doe on the outer envelope.

I agree with this except I would never refer to the girlfriend who you know exists as "and guest".  Outer envelope can be addressed to the person who lives at the address.  Inner envelope should say John Doe and Susie Smith.  And if Susie doesn't live at John's address and you're not using an Inner Envelope, then I'd put John's name first as the resident of the address.  I'd go ahead and put Susie's name on the outer envelope, but not up top.  I'd be worried someone at the post office might think it was bad mail if it was addressed to someone who didn't live there.

laurad75

@adk19  Yes, this is exactly my (2nd) question.  I don't have an inner envelope and have several guests who will be invited with SO's they do not live with. It feels very unnatural to put their name on the invite first since they don't live there and I'm not going to send them their own invite at their address bc they would not be invited if they were not the guest of their SO. 
 

[Deleted User]

laurad75 said:

@adk19  Yes, this is exactly my (2nd) question.  I don't have an inner envelope and have several guests who will be invited with SO's they do not live with. It feels very unnatural to put their name on the invite first since they don't live there and I'm not going to send them their own invite at their address bc they would not be invited if they were not the guest of their SO. 
 

The envelope police do not exist, so don't freak too much about it.  Invite your friend, list their significant other on the envelope, make sure the envelope is legible, and I think you're fine.  As you can see, the rules of addressing envelopes can change slightly depending on reasons, so as long as you're polite and address the envelope so it gets to its destination, I think the envelope police will leave you alone.

CMGragain

laurad75 said:

@adk19  Yes, this is exactly my (2nd) question.  I don't have an inner envelope and have several guests who will be invited with SO's they do not live with. It feels very unnatural to put their name on the invite first since they don't live there and I'm not going to send them their own invite at their address bc they would not be invited if they were not the guest of their SO. 
 

Daughter had the same issue.  We inserted small notes that said "You are invited to bring a guest." and addressed them to the singles who wanted a plus one.  We actually had a couple who broke up three days before the wedding, and they each wanted to bring new dates to show up the other former partner!  Nope!  Too late!
You can safely address the envelope to Ms. Susan Smith, (next line) Mr. John Doe.  The postal delivery people don't care.  I'm still getting mail for my late mother, and she died two years ago.  It gets delivered, anyway.

Maggie0829

laurad75 said:

@adk19  Yes, this is exactly my (2nd) question.  I don't have an inner envelope and have several guests who will be invited with SO's they do not live with. It feels very unnatural to put their name on the invite first since they don't live there and I'm not going to send them their own invite at their address bc they would not be invited if they were not the guest of their SO. 
 

Honestly, I think you are way overthinking this.  Yes, there may be some people out there that will be all "well she doesn't live here so why is she listed" but there are many more people who don't even give it a second thought.  Most people have the common sense to realize that you sent one invite with both people listed to the address of the person that you know best.

Oh and the post office doesn't give a crap about whose name is on the envelope.  They aren't sitting in their vehicles comparing the names to the address.