bachelorette party guest list etiquette

speedyturtle

Hi all! Longtime lurker here... I have already learned so much from these boards which have prevented me from making many etiquette faux pas already. I am coming across a problem now that has me a bit stumped.  I'm getting married in May, and my side of the wedding party includes my two brothers, my two SILs, 2 friends, and a female cousin. Almost as soon as I asked them to be in the party, the 5 women in the party offered to host a shower and bachelorette party (I am pretty sure they're more excited about the bachelorette party than about the wedding!). They picked a date in mid-April for dinner and a bar crawl in my city and are now asking for a guest list.

I would really like the party to be co-ed, and the hostesses are fine with either way (co-ed or ladies only). I have a close circle of friends (many of whom happen to be married to each other) of which in some cases I am closer friends with the guy than with his wife. If this were a "traditional" bachelorette party, we would invite the girls but not the guys, but in this case I would really like to invite my 2 brothers and the 6 guys that I am close friends with. I have learned (thanks guys!) that this is a HUGE misstep for the wedding guest list and so of course all of these people are invited to the wedding itself, but is it okay to split up some couples but not others for the bachelorette party? In your opinions, will it hurt feelings if some SOs are invited but not others? What about ladies-only for dinner and then anyone who feels like hitting the bar can join in later (again, I know this would be super rude and tiered for the wedding itself, but for a bachelorette party I am so very confused!). Or should I just give up on inviting my brothers and guy friends in order to avoid being rude?

The proposed co-ed guest list would include 6 couples, two single guy friends, one single woman, plus 9 women invited without their SO.

Lay it on me! I really want to know if this would be rude. 

STARMOON44

I think if you're doing single gender, no SOs is fine. And if you're doing bridal party only, also fine. But if you're doing 6 people coupled up, it's rude to not include all the SOs

poodledoodleooo

I have to agree with @STARMOON44 - this wouldn't bother me so much if you were only inviting individuals and none of them were coupled with another invitee, but since you're inviting several couples, I think it would be rude to not to extend the invite to all SOs. It would look like you were deliberately excluding people, even if that wasn't your intention.

lyndausvi

I'm going to agree with STARMOON also.

I'm pretty chill and laid-back.  Outside of a work event, I would be a little annoyed at DH being invited to a co-ed party, but not me.  

 I'm not sure DH would attend without me anyway.  We get very little nights off together. He isn't going to "waste" his rare night off to attend a co-ed party where there are other couples in attendance without me.

MandyMost

I have no problem at all with my SO going out without me, whether it's with his guy friends, or a coed group, or even his female friends. But I would have a HUGE issue with him being invited to an event that I'm not invited to. That's just plain rude of the host. 

As to one of your questions, I think having a female-only dinner, and then letting anyone join in for later evening festivities is fine. Essentially the event is really just the dinner, and then anyone can go out after dinner that wants to. However, as above, you have to make sure that everyone's SO are invited to the after dinner part, not just some of them. 

speedyturtle

Thanks! So far this has confirmed what I already thought. I knew I would get honest answers here. My wedding party friends are assuring me nobody will think it's rude, but any time I get the "It's your day!" argument I get the feeling that I should ignore whatever advice follows. So, do you think it's okay to only invite the girls and specify that it's for dinner, and then extend word-of-mouth invites to go for drinks afterwards and let them all know that their SOs are invited for that?

lc07

I'm with PPs. Can you not invite everyone with their SO to everything?

ETA: I guess that would be a really big dinner. 

thisismynickname2

I like the idea of inviting all SOs to everything, or keeping dinner ladies-only and opening the rest of the night to everyone (who's invited to the wedding). 

Sitting here as a female, if DH's good buddy was getting married and I was invited to the guy's bachelor party, I just wouldn't go. Something about the word "bachelor party" makes me want to leave it to that guy's nearest and dearest. I think if you invite your nearest and dearest plus their SO's, you might find that the SO declines to come anyway. Just my thought. 

poodledoodleooo

Also - since all these SO's are invited... will your FI be invited as well? I suppose you don't have to, but I was just curious!

ourdailywed

Yes, I think it's totally fine to formally invite the girls only and make post-dinner drinks with SOs, etc. a casual word-of-mouth invite.

[Deleted User]

I second all PPs, but would also like to add that I think if you want to include your brothers in the dinner that is totally fine and consistent with ettiquette. I don't think any of your male friends will feel miffed about your brothers being invited formally, since they are YOUR family and your BP.