Gift or gesture when you cannot attend bachelorette party?

tigerlily6

I am very excited to be a BM for one of my good friends from undergrad. I am not able to attend her bachelorette party (at Harry Potter World! Super awesome!) due to conflict with grad school and expense. I feel bad because she's a dear friend, and it sounds like it will be a great time! Should I try to send a gift in my absence? What is the etiquette for when you have to miss a pre-wedding party as a bridesmaid? 

levioosa

tigerlily6 said:

I am very excited to be a BM for one of my good friends from undergrad. I am not able to attend her bachelorette party (at Harry Potter World! Super awesome!) due to conflict with grad school and expense. I feel bad because she's a dear friend, and it sounds like it will be a great time! Should I try to send a gift in my absence? What is the etiquette for when you have to miss a pre-wedding party as a bridesmaid? 

Bachelorette parties are not gift giving events, so you don't have to send anything.  But, if you still want to celebrate with her, there is nothing wrong with planning a girls' night out with her. 

Even if you were to miss a bridal shower, you wouldn't have to give a gift, because gifts are never required.  It would be at your discretion to give a gift or not.  

jacques27

Bachelorettes aren't generally gift giving occasions. 

I would treat it like any other party you would miss - doesn't matter that you're a bridesmaid.  Let the party host know you regretfully have to decline.  If you want, you can call the guest of honor and let her know you won't be able to make it but hope that she has a great party and you wish you could be there.

missfrodo

Can I just say, I would love to party at Harry Potter world!  I know this isn't the exact same situation, but one year for Christmas, my cousin and his wife were at a football game during our family party, so they called in and video-chatted with everyone for like 2 minutes.  Maybe you could arrange a 2-minute period during the bach to call the bride and say hi to everyone?  Totally not required, just a thought.  And although I've never heard of giving a gift at a bachelorette, if she'd never been to Harry Potter and I was SUPER close to her, I might be tempted to send her a small gift card that she could use at Universal for a snack or souvenir, just because it sounds like an awesome vacation and I love giving little gifts to my friends.  That said, all she should expect out of you is that you send your regrets, and you'll see her on her wedding day.

AddieCake

I wouldn't send a gift if I missed a bachelorette party. 

floridabride44

I went to a friend's bachelorette party last year and one of the bridesmaids who couldn't attend had a basket of candy & snacks delivered to the hotel room through the concierge. It was a nice way to let the bride know "even though I can't be there, I'm thinking of you!" 

But a phone call or text would work for that, too. A gift definitely isn't necessary for a missed bach. party, but could be a sweet gesture. Just depends on the situation!

SP29

I wouldn't send anything for missing a bacchelorette party.

I would plan another time you two could hang out and celebrate, even if it's lunch somewhere. 

tigerlily6

@SP29, I think this is the tricky part. We live about 1000 miles apart, so it is unlikely I will get to see her before the wedding this summer after school gets out. Her and I have kept in touch via regular long phone convos and messaging tho, and since we are both planning weddings right now (hers is two weeks before mine), it has been fun to share ideas with one another and help as we can. She is in my WP also, but will probably be unable to make my bachelorette party if it happens (she only gets so many days off work, and I told her to use them for some honeymoon time!). 

Thanks to all for the advice! I think I may send a nice card or something fun (maybe find some wizard themed stickers or mad libs book or something goofy) to celebrate in spirit, but it is good to know the etiquette.

SP29

@tigerlily6 That's fine then. I'd leave it as is, send something small if you'd like.

I got married back in my hometown, where my MOH lives (we have since moved back). I had a B-party where I lived at the time, and a shower in my hometown, only including those who were local. I wouldn't expect guests to travel such a distance for a small event (obviously Disney is bigger, but still, you can either go or you can't), and I didn't expect anyone to "make up" for anything because they weren't near me at the time. 

charlotte989875

I think that sounds good. I had to miss my sisters shower and b-party. It sucked, I was sad, she was bummed (and completely understanding) but there was no way it worked. I sent her favorite flowers for the shower and a bottle of wine to the b-party. Then we had dinner just the two of us when I was in town for the wedding.

100yroldblinddog

charlotte989875 said:

I think that sounds good. I had to miss my sisters shower and b-party. It sucked, I was sad, she was bummed (and completely understanding) but there was no way it worked. I sent her favorite flowers for the shower and a bottle of wine to the b-party. Then we had dinner just the two of us when I was in town for the wedding.

Stuck in the box!

This! A super classy move that happened at a bachelorette party I went to is when the bride's cousin couldn't attend, she called the restaurant we went to and had a bottle of champagne sent to the table. Of course, later she told the bride that she only did it because she had a Visa gift card, but that's another story.

peachy13

100yroldblinddog said:

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charlotte989875 said:

I think that sounds good. I had to miss my sisters shower and b-party. It sucked, I was sad, she was bummed (and completely understanding) but there was no way it worked. I sent her favorite flowers for the shower and a bottle of wine to the b-party. Then we had dinner just the two of us when I was in town for the wedding.

Stuck in the box!

This! A super classy move that happened at a bachelorette party I went to is when the bride's cousin couldn't attend, she called the restaurant we went to and had a bottle of champagne sent to the table. Of course, later she told the bride that she only did it because she had a Visa gift card, but that's another story.

I came on here to suggest this. I know bachelorette parties are not gift-giving events but I always show up with a little something anyway. If you can find out the name of where they're going out to eat, sending over a bottle of champagne would be awesome and really nice!

DebbieDisco

I had a friend who couldn't attend send along a dance-party mix cd. I thought it was such a fun and thoughtful gesture that I sent her a thank you card!

softkittywarmkitty

Round of butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks!

Knottie1454041162

I had a similar issue.  I ended up having the person in charge of the party stop by a specific bar and buy a round of drinks for everyone from me along with my apology for not attending.  I had also offered to help with the planning (making reservations, researching locations, etc.)