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Wedding 911

Groom's parents aren't attending

MCmeowMCmeow member
500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
edited January 2016 in Wedding 911
Our wedding is in 16 months so no rush, but my fiance doesn't think his parents will come. He says if his parents aren't coming, he's not inviting his aunts/uncles either.

Long story short, his dad has a gambling issue and only contacts my fiance to ask for money, along with other problems. So he doesn't want his dad showing up. I don't want him regretting this in the future but it's his decision.

Then, his mom moved back to Hong Kong to take care of different family issues a few years ago. She came into the US illegally by flying to Canada and travelling to the US, about 12 years ago. So when she left the US she may have gotten something on her record (no idea). I know she would have to go to a US embassy over there with proof (Like the invitation) along with many forms to get a visa to come here, but with her history we're worried she'd spend a bunch of money on forms to just get a "No" in the end.

I get not inviting his dad, cause of their relationship, but I know he wants his mom to come, but he's pessimistic about it and doesn't think she can. Any one know enough about the law for some advice? Thanks!
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Re: Groom's parents aren't attending

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited January 2016
    MCmeow said:

    Our wedding is in 16 months so no rush, but my fiance doesn't think his parents will come. He says if his parents aren't coming, he's not inviting his aunts/uncles either.

    Long story short, his dad has a gambling issue and only contacts my fiance to ask for money, along with other problems. So he doesn't want his dad showing up. I don't want him regretting this in the future but it's his decision.

    Then, his mom moved back to Hong Kong to take care of different family issues a few years ago. She came into the US illegally by flying to Canada and travelling to the US, about 12 years ago. So when she left the US she may have gotten something on her record (no idea). I know she would have to go to a US embassy over there with proof (Like the invitation) along with many forms to get a visa to come here, but with her history we're worried she'd spend a bunch of money on forms to just get a "No" in the end.

    I get not inviting his dad, cause of their relationship, but I know he wants his mom to come, but he's pessimistic about it and doesn't think she can. Any one know enough about the law for some advice? Thanks!

    I'm a big believer in ask the people you want to come and let them decide if they can make it. His mom will know what she needs to do and if it's plausible or not. And if it's not there are ways to include her like FaceTime and Skyle.

    Let him take deal with his dad day by day. You don't need to know for sure for another 14 months!

    ETA: but don't B list his aunts and uncles. They're either invited at the same time as everyone else or they're not invited at all. I'm assuming he's not close with his extended family and there's no rule that they have to be invited. Hell, I'm not inviting a single person from my dads side of the family.
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    SP29thisismynickname2OliveOilsMom
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I agree with Kimmi. If he doesn't want to invite his dad, he shouldn't invite him. His mom will decide if she can make it or not and will figure out what she needs to do.  Don't not invite her b/c you guys assume it will be a hassle. Can you imagine being her and not getting invited? Sheesh. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    JediElizabethSP29PrettyGirlLost
  • AddieCake said:
    I agree with Kimmi. If he doesn't want to invite his dad, he shouldn't invite him. His mom will decide if she can make it or not and will figure out what she needs to do.  Don't not invite her b/c you guys assume it will be a hassle. Can you imagine being her and not getting invited? Sheesh. 
    Agreed. I have family who can't travel because of chronic health issues. I know they won't make it, even 16 months out, because they rarely leave the care facilities they're in. However, they will get an invitation, because FI & I would want them there, and I know they would be hurt and feel forgotten if they didn't. (And I'm keeping them in the budget as coming until I get the "No" RSVP, just in case they are able to make the arrangements.)
    HeffalumpPrettyGirlLost
  • Invite who you want, and let them decide if they will come or not. 

    Wait to make a decision on FI's dad- you don't have to invite him if the relationship is not there.

    My bff did not invite her father to her wedding. She still talks to him and occasionally they get together, but their relationship is quite superficial. She also did not invite anyone from his side of the family, because she has no relationship with them.

    If you are worried about inviting FIL and that he'd have no one to talk to, and that's why FI is debating on aunt/uncles, you can always invite him with a plus one so he can bring someone of his choosing. If FI and dad are on speaking terms, FI could ask, "Is there anyone from your family who you would like to see invited?". This is a request, and just because FIL gives you names of family members does not mean you have to invite them all, but it could make it easier for you/FI to create a family table for that side and know all will get along. 
    CMGragainPrettyGirlLost
  • So sorry about this complicated situation.  It is not your job to worry about his mother's immigration status.  You simply invite her.  If she can't make it, you could skype or have the ceremony video taped for her.
    Are you also from the Chinese culture?  Their family relationships can be very important.  We had to have a much bigger wedding for daughter than we would have liked because her DH is Chinese-American.  The idea of not inviting one of the 9 uncles and their families was out of the question.  You don't want to insult the family!
    Best wishes for your wedding.  If your FI's Mom can't make it, then that is too bad, but nothing you can do about it.  I hope FI is here legally?
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  • Yeah we definitely don't want to/or would ever b-list anyone. It's pretty tricky with his family, I hope his relationship with his dad is better by the time we need to invite people. But regardless we'll invite his mom. 
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    kimmiinthemitten
  • MCmeowMCmeow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2016
    CMGragain said:
    So sorry about this complicated situation.  It is not your job to worry about his mother's immigration status.  You simply invite her.  If she can't make it, you could skype or have the ceremony video taped for her.
    Are you also from the Chinese culture?  Their family relationships can be very important.  We had to have a much bigger wedding for daughter than we would have liked because her DH is Chinese-American.  The idea of not inviting one of the 9 uncles and their families was out of the question.  You don't want to insult the family!
    Best wishes for your wedding.  If your FI's Mom can't make it, then that is too bad, but nothing you can do about it.  I hope FI is here legally?
    Thank you. I'm Hispanic (Dominican-American). FI's status is complicated but not illegal haha (look up the dream act or DACA, I think). Family is very important for Dominicans too and I'm a lot closer to my family than he is with his. He doesn't think his relationship with his parents is a big deal but I really want them all to be a part of my family.

    I've read about the relationship of a bride to the groom's Chinese family, there's definitely a lot to be expected of me. But I hope this extended family won't get upset since he never speaks to them.
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