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Wedding 911

Grrr guest list issues

Ok I will try to keep this brief, I have a large extended family that I know fairly well on my dad's side. I was originally planning on inviting up to second cousins that I know well and their immediate families.

At Christmas when my aunt asked my mom seemed fine with this plan but a week later when it was brought up again she said I shouldn't invite them because I hardly know them and I should save more room for friends. She also now says if I invite my dad's cousins I have to invite hers despite never meeting them.

I don't have many people I consider friends, but I think I know the people she wants me to invite 2 I haven't seen or spoken to in about 4 years and the other 2 I have only talked to because their families are a part of our old 4H club that I teach riding lessons for (sometimes they bring their nieces and we get a chance to chat at lunch time) all of them are great women but it always felt like we only hung out for horse things and they weren't interested in spending other time together (of course it could be that all of us were just too shy to ask)

My friend (and distant cousin) got married last summer, originally everyone had hurt feelings because she wanted a small destination wedding with immediate family only, her parents were paying for it and wanted to change the plan and her grandfather (who was also the officiant) refused to go, so it turned into a bigger, family wedding, and most of us were invited yet my mom was upset that my grandparents weren't invited. So apparently it's fine for me to not invite that side of the family but it was awful that my friend didn't.

Basically I don't know who to invite now. My fiance and I are paying for our wedding so in the end it is our decision, I don't want to have to deal with a bunch of drama or hurt feelings over this and it is so frustrating.

What do all of you think extended family? The estranged "friends"? Or niether and redirect the cash flow to other parts of the wedding?

Re: Grrr guest list issues

  • Ok I really failed at keeping it brief... Sorry guys
    JediElizabeth[Deleted User]
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Inviting in circles is always a good way to go about making guest lists.

    But, every family is different.  I think you and your FI should make three different guest lists.  1) Must invite.  2) Want to invite.  3) Would like to invite, but certainly wouldn't be upset if we didn't.  Where do the individuals in your post land?

    No matter where you draw the line it is always possible that feelings could get hurt.  There really is no way around that.  So I suggest that you keep the guest list to yourself.  Your Aunt does not need to know who you plan on inviting or not inviting since she is not paying.  The less information you put out the less opinions you will get.

    So in the end you and your FI need to come up with a guest list that YOU think is fair and works with your budget.  If people get butt hurt over your decision then I guess they will just have to get over it.

    MesmrEwe
  • Thanks for the advice

    The only reason my aunt asked was she talks with one of the cousins on the phone, a lot and didn't want to talk to her about a wedding she wouldn't be invited to (basically she was trying to avoid causing drama for me), I guess I was mostly shocked at my mom's attitude, based on other similar events I thought she considered the second cousins on the must invite list
  • I don't know if your aunt is on your Moms side or your Dad's side but do the cousins ever see each other or talk to each other? My dad's SIBLINGS only saw my mom's SIBLINGS once every few years (their wedding, baby showers,  a thanksgiving here or there, and my bridal shower and wedding). I wouldn't think my parents cousins would recognize each otehr, let alone figure out if one side was invited and another side isn't.


  • Aunt is on dad's side... That's just it Dad's side all talks to each other and my mom doesn't even talk to her cousins that I know of, so I'm confused how it will matter to anyone if her side gets left out, as I don't even think they know I will be getting married... But mom just kind of dropped the bombshell on me that if I invite one side I will "have" to invite the other
  • Ok I will try to keep this brief, I have a large extended family that I know fairly well on my dad's side. I was originally planning on inviting up to second cousins that I know well and their immediate families. At Christmas when my aunt asked my mom seemed fine with this plan but a week later when it was brought up again she said I shouldn't invite them because I hardly know them and I should save more room for friends. She also now says if I invite my dad's cousins I have to invite hers despite never meeting them. I don't have many people I consider friends, but I think I know the people she wants me to invite 2 I haven't seen or spoken to in about 4 years and the other 2 I have only talked to because their families are a part of our old 4H club that I teach riding lessons for (sometimes they bring their nieces and we get a chance to chat at lunch time) all of them are great women but it always felt like we only hung out for horse things and they weren't interested in spending other time together (of course it could be that all of us were just too shy to ask) My friend (and distant cousin) got married last summer, originally everyone had hurt feelings because she wanted a small destination wedding with immediate family only, her parents were paying for it and wanted to change the plan and her grandfather (who was also the officiant) refused to go, so it turned into a bigger, family wedding, and most of us were invited yet my mom was upset that my grandparents weren't invited. So apparently it's fine for me to not invite that side of the family but it was awful that my friend didn't. Basically I don't know who to invite now. My fiance and I are paying for our wedding so in the end it is our decision, I don't want to have to deal with a bunch of drama or hurt feelings over this and it is so frustrating. What do all of you think extended family? The estranged "friends"? Or niether and redirect the cash flow to other parts of the wedding?
    FI and I are paying for our wedding and decided to keep it on the smaller side (about 70ish people). My mom was surprised to hear this at first, especially because one of my brother's is getting married two months after me and having a rather large wedding and inviting everyone. But, she understood that we aren't comfortable spending as much money as they are and she came around. Since we're paying, she knows she doesn't have that much of a say. FI's parents were more difficult about it, but, again, it's not their decision. Basically, we just stopped talking to them about it. They're mad about it but it is what it is and we're doing what works for us. We're inviting the people closest to us, and that excludes even some first cousins.

    So my advice to you is to sit down with your FI, decide who you want to invite, and then invite them. Do not discuss it further with your mom. If she brings it up, say, "I understand that you want more people invited, but we are not having a big wedding and we are inviting who we choose." Then move on.
    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • Thanks I will keep that in mind, though I get the feeling with my mom it is more about her wanting to exclude some people and getting a chance to chit chat with people I used to hang out with (though I don't think they will come anyway)
  • Thanks I will keep that in mind, though I get the feeling with my mom it is more about her wanting to exclude some people and getting a chance to chit chat with people I used to hang out with (though I don't think they will come anyway)
    The same logic applies - it's not up to her and you shouldn't be discussing it with her since she doesn't support your decisions.
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