courthouse wedding/eloupement

[Deleted User]

Okay so a little back store my fiance and I are in our late 20's/30's, we don't own a house yet and he has a child, with that being said we have opted for a courthouse wedding. We found a beautiful courthouse here in the area. It is actually the 2nd oldest courthouse in the country and the travel channel named their balcony one of the most romantic places in Louisiana to kiss.

Despite all of the above there are a few family members will be upset that we are not having a big wedding. Some because they wont be able to be there and others because they think we should have a big wedding. My father in law being one fo them. Does anyone have good ideas of how to explain to everyone so as to ease the situation?

Also we are planning to still not see each other the night before, I'm getting a dress and a bouquet, he is renting a suit so we plan to make this as traditional as we can because we don't want to miss out on those parts so should we do save the dates/wedding invitations?

holyguacamole79

Knottie1436034229 said:

Okay so a little back store my fiance and I are in our late 20's/30's, we don't own a house yet and he has a child, with that being said we have opted for a courthouse wedding. We found a beautiful courthouse here in the area. It is actually the 2nd oldest courthouse in the country and the travel channel named their balcony one of the most romantic places in Louisiana to kiss. Despite all of the above there are a few family members will be upset that we are not having a big wedding. Some because they wont be able to be there and others because they think we should have a big wedding. My father in law being one fo them. Does anyone have good ideas of how to explain to everyone so as to ease the situation? Also we are planning to still not see each other the night before, I'm getting a dress and a bouquet, he is renting a suit so we plan to make this as traditional as we can because we don't want to miss out on those parts so should we do save the dates/wedding invitations?

If your FIL comments that he's disappointed that you're not having a big wedding, simply say that you have opted for a simpler wedding day.  

Regarding save-the-dates and invites ....
Are you inviting anyone to join you & your FI at your wedding at the courthouse?  If so, then you will want to send proper invitations.  Save the dates aren't really necessary (but you can if you want).  Keep in mind that if you send someone a save the date, then you must invite them to the wedding.

Do you have any plans for a reception?  If you're inviting guests, you'll need to host them properly after your wedding.

Jen4948

Knottie1436034229 said:

Okay so a little back store my fiance and I are in our late 20's/30's, we don't own a house yet and he has a child, with that being said we have opted for a courthouse wedding. We found a beautiful courthouse here in the area. It is actually the 2nd oldest courthouse in the country and the travel channel named their balcony one of the most romantic places in Louisiana to kiss. Despite all of the above there are a few family members will be upset that we are not having a big wedding. Some because they wont be able to be there and others because they think we should have a big wedding. My father in law being one fo them. Does anyone have good ideas of how to explain to everyone so as to ease the situation?

Don't explain it beyond "We're sorry for your disappointment, but this is what we want for our wedding."  Nothing you say in an "explanation" will "ease the situation" as far as these people are concerned.  If they're not paying, they're not entitled to a say in what kind of wedding you have.

Also we are planning to still not see each other the night before, I'm getting a dress and a bouquet, he is renting a suit so we plan to make this as traditional as we can because we don't want to miss out on those parts so should we do save the dates/wedding invitations?

Whether or not you are seeing each other the night before and what you are wearing has nothing to do with save-the-dates or wedding invitations.  If you are inviting anyone, yes, you need to send them an invitation.  I don't think you need to use the formal wording if you're getting married at the courthouse, but that's up to you.  I also don't see that you need save-the-dates for the kind of wedding you're planning.

frenchiekin

Congrats!  This sounds absolutely lovely.  I've always been secretly jealous of tiny courthouse weddings!

First, ditto PPs on how to deal with other's expectations.  "Sorry, this is what we want for our wedding."  Period.

Second, if you are inviting any guests, this is not an elopement (which is just the couple in attendance).  Invitiations should be sent to any guests.  Whoever you are inviting to your intimate courthouse wedding must be thanked with a reception afterwards.  This can be simple as taking them all out to dinner at a nearby restaurant.  No need for any kind of big party or dancing or anything like that - but if you want to keep some of the traditions, it might be nice to have a little cake for you to cut and enjoy with your guests for dessert.

[Deleted User]

Thanks you both those were very helpful. We are not doing a reception however we do have plans to hit up bourbon street that night as a married couple with our out of town friends that are coming for sure. I know him and I are planning to go to dinner just us as far as I know. I would invite them to dinner but we can not afford to pay for others nor do I want anyone to feel the need to pay for us so I figure it's best not to invite anyone. However if they ask about our after plans and feel the need to join I don't want to turn them down.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1436034229 said:

Thanks you both those were very helpful. We are not doing a reception however we do have plans to hit up bourbon street that night as a married couple with our out of town friends that are coming for sure. I know him and I are planning to go to dinner just us as far as I know. I would invite them to dinner but we can not afford to pay for others nor do I want anyone to feel the need to pay for us so I figure it's best not to invite anyone. However if they ask about our after plans and feel the need to join I don't want to turn them down.

You don't need a formal reception, but you do need something to thank your guests.  How many people do you expect to have at the courthouse wedding?  Just your family & a few friends?  Then take them out for dinner or drinks.  If you have money for a dress & bouquet, you have money to do something to thank your guests for joining you.

lc07

OP, you can't invite guests to come and not host a reception. It's extremely rude. You invite however many guests you are allowed to have witness the ceremony that you can afford to host afterwards. It doesn't need to be fancy. Having a pizza party at your house would be great. But you absolutely cannot invite people to come and then not host them.

CMGragain

If you are being married alone in the courthouse with no guests, you do not have a reception.  This is called a private ceremony.  It is not an elopement if you have told other people about your plans.
If there is even one guest, then you need to take them out for lunch or dinner afterwards.  This is called your reception.  It does not need to be fancy or expensive.
Any other party or celebration is not a part of your wedding.

1.  Stop discussing your plans with people who are not invited.  This includes relatives.  It is rude to discuss an event with people who will not be invited.

2. Since you are not having any guests, Save the Dates are inappropriate.  STDs are a new idea, and they are not at all necessary.

3.  After your ceremony, you should mail formal wedding announcements to the people who were not invited to let them know that you are married.  Here is the traditional wording:

Bride's Full Name

and

Groom's Full Name

announce their marriage

June 27, 2016

Town, Louisiana

No other information is appropriate.  You can have them printed up in advance, and ready to mail just after the ceremony.

You can always have a party at a later date to celebrate your marriage with friends and family, but this is not a part of your wedding.

You mention "out of town friends that are coming for sure".  Now you have lost me.  Did you invite these people to your wedding?  What are they coming to town for, and why?  If you did invite these people to your wedding, then you MUST have a reception for them.  You must pay for it.  Pizza is OK.

Viczaesar

Knottie1436034229 said:

Thanks you both those were very helpful. We are not doing a reception however we do have plans to hit up bourbon street that night as a married couple with our out of town friends that are coming for sure. I know him and I are planning to go to dinner just us as far as I know. I would invite them to dinner but we can not afford to pay for others nor do I want anyone to feel the need to pay for us so I figure it's best not to invite anyone. However if they ask about our after plans and feel the need to join I don't want to turn them down.

If you invite guests you must host them in some way, period.  If your wedding ceremony and reception are not at a meal time this can just be cake and simple beverages, but you must host something (and pay for all the costs).  The reception is not a party to celebrate you, it's a thank you to your guests for doing you the honor of attending your wedding, and thus is required. 

SP29

If you invite any guests, you should send them an invitation. And you must host them in some format post ceremony- this is what your reception is for "Thank you for witnessing our ceremony". 

This can be VERY simple. It could be an hour long, with cake and punch (I'd do tea and coffee myself, but I like a hot beverage with my dessert). You could even take them to the local coffee shop, and buy everyone a beverage and dessert! Or, you could host them back at your home for a pizza lunch. Or you could make the lunch or dinner yourselves- fruit and veggies, and cold cut sandwiches to eat. This does not need to get expensive or fancy. 

If you absolutely cannot host anyone for a reception, then you should not be inviting them to witness your ceremony. 

No one is owed an invitation to your wedding, nor can anyone tell you what kind of wedding you should have. There is NOTHING wrong with getting married at the courthouse or having a small/intimate wedding. Agreed not to talk about your wedding to anyone not invited, and for your families, do not explain yourselves, a simple, "This is how we envision our wedding day" will suffice. 

Wedding announcements sent post (usually a day or two after) to anyone you wish are also a nice option. 

mntravelingmama

You can't invite people to your wedding, including out of town guests, and then just leave them on the courthouse steps while you go out for dinner. Maybe you could hold the ceremony earlier in the day and host a light brunch or lunch? 

CharmedPam

CMGragain said:

You can always have a party at a later date to celebrate your marriage with friends and family, but this is not a part of your wedding.

I'm seeing more and more of this with people I know.  Can I ask what is expected out of the bride and groom for an 'after party' like that?  And how long it too long to have it?  Just curious!

[Deleted User]

CharmedPam said:

CMGragain said:

You can always have a party at a later date to celebrate your marriage with friends and family, but this is not a part of your wedding.

I'm seeing more and more of this with people I know.  Can I ask what is expected out of the bride and groom for an 'after party' like that?  And how long it too long to have it?  Just curious!

Well, people can throw a party at any time for any reason.  So, the expectations are that you throw a fully and properly hosted party.  At some point it gets silly to have it have anything to do with your wedding, of course.  I mean, we never had a housewarming party, but we've now lived in our house for 16 months so if we had a party, it'd be stupid to call it a housewarming.  This is our second winter living there, it's plenty warm.  I say after 3 months we're getting into weirdness territory.

Maggie0829

CharmedPam said:

CMGragain said:

You can always have a party at a later date to celebrate your marriage with friends and family, but this is not a part of your wedding.

I'm seeing more and more of this with people I know.  Can I ask what is expected out of the bride and groom for an 'after party' like that?  And how long it too long to have it?  Just curious!

What is expected is basically what is expected of anyone hosting a party/event. Food, drinks, seats for every butt, some music in whatever form, and most importantly everything being hosted completely without having your guests open their wallets or bring anything.

As for when you can host it, I would do it 3-6 months from the wedding or wait until your first anniversary.

Personally I don't understand these parties.  If you want to celebrate your marriage with all of these people then why not just plan a wedding that includes them all?

CharmedPam

my thoughts exactly! My coworker did it.  She had the dress/cake cutting/hotel venue and all.  I'm sure she hosted everyone properly, so I didn't think anything of it but it is more common now.

CMGragain

CharmedPam said:

CMGragain said:

You can always have a party at a later date to celebrate your marriage with friends and family, but this is not a part of your wedding.

I'm seeing more and more of this with people I know.  Can I ask what is expected out of the bride and groom for an 'after party' like that?  And how long it too long to have it?  Just curious!

The bolded says it all.

Maggie0829

CharmedPam said:

my thoughts exactly! My coworker did it.  She had the dress/cake cutting/hotel venue and all.  I'm sure she hosted everyone properly, so I didn't think anything of it but it is more common now.

Oh so your friend basically had a PPD, minus the ceremony.  Yeah these parties are not suppose to resemble a wedding so no dress, no wedding party, no spotlight dances, etc.

The only things I find okay are the cake cutting because any time a cake is at an event the guest of honor always cuts it.  And I don't mind if the couple has the first dance of the evening together because it is their way, as hosts, to open up the floor to others.