The No-Kids Dilemma

whoabethers

Hi folks,

I’m new to the forums, but not new to internet-researching-the-crap-out-of-specifc-topics. This is a pretty old argument, and I’ve seen some heated topics from both sides. Here’s the thing… I don’t particularly enjoy kids at weddings. I know some people get super into it and think it’s adorable to see them dance and act like goofballs. And about MOST things, I am pretty laid back and not Bridezilla-ish, but kids are unpredictable. And when my parents are shelling out a bunch of money for a wedding, I do not like unpredictable. Not to mention, I’m not close to any kids. I don’t have any nieces or nephews, and I don’t live in the same hometown as my close friends who do have kids.So I’ve met my friends’ babies/children like once or twice, and my west coast friends don’t have kids yet. THAT SAID – I’ve already decided that I don’t want kids at the wedding. I’m seeking advice on the best way to handle said decision. I was just going to shoot my friends with kids casual texts, but one of my mom’s friends said that people will feel too singled out and that I need to send a blast email with everyone so they can see EVERYONE is being told not to bring kids. But that seems… weird to me. Would people really feel singled out if they can’t see everyone is getting the same message? Advice on the best way to handle would be much appreciated!

Thanks!

monkeysip

Not inviting kids is OK.  Sending an email to everyone telling them not to bring their kids is NOT OK.

If you don't want children there, then you simply address the invitation to the adults alone, and don't put their children's names on the invitation.  If you want to make it even clearer, you can put "2 (or however many) seats have been reserved for you" on the RSVP.  Or if you want to make it SUPER clear, you can actually write their names on the RSVP with a blank space for them to check.

If anyone RSVPs for their children, you'll have to call them and tell them "Sorry, but we won't be able to accommodate little Johnny.  Hope you can still make it!"

Whichever you choose, you can't tell people who ISN'T invited.  

madamerwin

First off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not inviting kids to a wedding, so no big explanation needed! In terms of the advice you were given, don't send individual texts OR a mass email about it; etiquette-wise, it is never appropriate to tell people who is NOT invited.

Instead, when you send your invitations, address them only to the people invited. For example, if you were inviting an adult couple without their children, you would address it to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, or Sally and Jesse Carmichael. If you want to make it even more clear, you can include a line on your RSVP cards that says "__ seats have been reserved in your honor" (and you would fill in the correct number - probably 1 or 2). 

If anyone RSVPs for themselves with their children, all you need to do is give them a quick call and say "I am sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation is only for you and your SO. We will not be able to accommodate children. We hope you can make it!"  DO NOT go on to explain your reasoning; that will just open the doors for push-back ("But, my little Timmy is SO well-behaved! You won't even notice him!" or "What if we bring Jane, but then have the sitter pick her up when she gets out of control?")

You should keep in mind, however, that many people do not like to travel without their children, so you may get some declines from parents with young kids. But whether to invite kids to your wedding is completely up to you and your FI, and you are within etiquette to have an adults-only wedding. 

whoabethers

Thanks for the quick reply! I thought a blast email was weird too.

I'm designing my invites to purposely just say the name of the adults invited. They're movie-ticket themed, so each person gets a ticket WITH THEIR NAME. However, this same friend of my mom's said that it won't matter, and she knows her kids will still bring their children even if the children's names aren't on the invite. Another one of my mom's friends confirmed that when her sons got married, some people just showed up with kids even though they weren't on the invitation. So that's what I'm worried about lol.

monkeysip

But you do have RSVPS, right?  So you need to make sure they have to RSVP for a certain amount.  Are you doing buffet or plated dinner?  If plated, then they also have to choose a meal.

flantastic

whoabethers said:

Hi folks,

I’m new to the forums, but not new to internet-researching-the-crap-out-of-specifc-topics. This is a pretty old argument, and I’ve seen some heated topics from both sides. Here’s the thing… I don’t particularly enjoy kids at weddings. I know some people get super into it and think it’s adorable to see them dance and act like goofballs. And about MOST things, I am pretty laid back and not Bridezilla-ish, but kids are unpredictable. And when my parents are shelling out a bunch of money for a wedding, I do not like unpredictable. Not to mention, I’m not close to any kids. I don’t have any nieces or nephews, and I don’t live in the same hometown as my close friends who do have kids.So I’ve met my friends’ babies/children like once or twice, and my west coast friends don’t have kids yet. THAT SAID – I’ve already decided that I don’t want kids at the wedding. I’m seeking advice on the best way to handle said decision. I was just going to shoot my friends with kids casual texts, but one of my mom’s friends said that people will feel too singled out and that I need to send a blast email with everyone so they can see EVERYONE is being told not to bring kids. But that seems… weird to me. Would people really feel singled out if they can’t see everyone is getting the same message? Advice on the best way to handle would be much appreciated!

Thanks!

The bolded is the reason you shouldn't invite kids.

I think the "unpredictable" stuff is mostly crap. Adults can be just as unpredictable. You can't control everything and everyone, and if you were close to particular kids and had no reason to believe that based on prior behavior they would be trying to throw glassware, I would say let it go. Anyone, adult or child, could knock over the DJ's speaker or yell during your ceremony and you would still be married. (This is mostly for lurkers, since there are no particular kids who you like enough to want with you as you get married.)

People will understand that their kids can't be invited everywhere, and they'll understand that their kids aren't invited when the invitation comes with only the parents' names. If they have confusion, they'll ask, and "Sorry, but we couldn't accommodate everyone; the invite is for you and your SO. Hope you can still make it!" If they can't make it unless they can bring their kids, you'll miss them.

whoabethers

Yes, there is an RSVP portion, which says their name. "John Smith [ ] will attend or [ ] will not attend." Doesn't even give an option to say HOW MANY are attending. Just the invitee name. It's buffet dinner, so no option to select meal.

madamerwin

monkeysip said:

But you do have RSVPS, right?  So you need to make sure they have to RSVP for a certain amount.  Are you doing buffet or plated dinner?  If plated, then they also have to choose a meal.

This - if you require RSVPs (which you really should), then there should not be an issue with people bringing kids unexpectedly. Make sure that there is a line on your RSVPs saying how many seats are being reserved. If people cross it out and add additional, you will need to contact them individually.

Additionally, you could use word of mouth to help - have your mom tell her friend it is an adult-only wedding, and hopefully friend will say something to her kids about it.

madamerwin

whoabethers said:

Yes, there is an RSVP portion, which says their name. "John Smith [ ] will attend or [ ] will not attend." Doesn't even give an option to say HOW MANY are attending. Just the invitee name. It's buffet dinner, so no option to select meal.

So how does this work if you are inviting a couple? Do they both have to RSVP separately? I would really suggest sending one invite per guest/couple, with one RSVP card. The card could have each invited guest's name on it, with a check box for "will attend" and "will not attend". Or as mentioned earlier, include a line that says "Two (or whatever number) seats have been reserved in your honor." If anyone does not understand that that means they cannot bring their kids, you will have to deal with that one-on-one.

whoabethers

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

Yes, there is an RSVP portion, which says their name. "John Smith [ ] will attend or [ ] will not attend." Doesn't even give an option to say HOW MANY are attending. Just the invitee name. It's buffet dinner, so no option to select meal.

So how does this work if you are inviting a couple? Do they both have to RSVP separately? I would really suggest sending one invite per guest/couple, with one RSVP card. The card could have each invited guest's name on it, with a check box for "will attend" and "will not attend". Or as mentioned earlier, include a line that says "Two (or whatever number) seats have been reserved in your honor." If anyone does not understand that that means they cannot bring their kids, you will have to deal with that one-on-one.

Every couple gets one envelope and one return-envelope, but each envelope has as many tickets as people being invited. It's essentially a tear-off ticket stub that gets mailed back as the RSVP.

lyndausvi

whoabethers said:

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

Yes, there is an RSVP portion, which says their name. "John Smith [ ] will attend or [ ] will not attend." Doesn't even give an option to say HOW MANY are attending. Just the invitee name. It's buffet dinner, so no option to select meal.

So how does this work if you are inviting a couple? Do they both have to RSVP separately? I would really suggest sending one invite per guest/couple, with one RSVP card. The card could have each invited guest's name on it, with a check box for "will attend" and "will not attend". Or as mentioned earlier, include a line that says "Two (or whatever number) seats have been reserved in your honor." If anyone does not understand that that means they cannot bring their kids, you will have to deal with that one-on-one.

Every couple gets one envelope and one return-envelope, but each envelope has as many tickets as people being invited.

what do you mean tickets?

whoabethers

lyndausvi said:

whoabethers said:

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

Yes, there is an RSVP portion, which says their name. "John Smith [ ] will attend or [ ] will not attend." Doesn't even give an option to say HOW MANY are attending. Just the invitee name. It's buffet dinner, so no option to select meal.

So how does this work if you are inviting a couple? Do they both have to RSVP separately? I would really suggest sending one invite per guest/couple, with one RSVP card. The card could have each invited guest's name on it, with a check box for "will attend" and "will not attend". Or as mentioned earlier, include a line that says "Two (or whatever number) seats have been reserved in your honor." If anyone does not understand that that means they cannot bring their kids, you will have to deal with that one-on-one.

Every couple gets one envelope and one return-envelope, but each envelope has as many tickets as people being invited.

what do you mean tickets?

Okay, we're getting married in an old converted movie there, so it's a movie theme. I'm printing our invites on perforated paper, so it's like a giant movie ticket with a stub. So something along the lines of this:

http://www.brighteyedbirdie.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/deco-invite2-Medium.jpg

But instead of "# of attending" it will say the person's name. So each person that is invited gets a ticket, but if a couple is getting invited, they get two tickets in one envelope with one return envelope. 

madamerwin

whoabethers said:

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

Yes, there is an RSVP portion, which says their name. "John Smith [ ] will attend or [ ] will not attend." Doesn't even give an option to say HOW MANY are attending. Just the invitee name. It's buffet dinner, so no option to select meal.

So how does this work if you are inviting a couple? Do they both have to RSVP separately? I would really suggest sending one invite per guest/couple, with one RSVP card. The card could have each invited guest's name on it, with a check box for "will attend" and "will not attend". Or as mentioned earlier, include a line that says "Two (or whatever number) seats have been reserved in your honor." If anyone does not understand that that means they cannot bring their kids, you will have to deal with that one-on-one.

Every couple gets one envelope and one return-envelope, but each envelope has as many tickets as people being invited. It's essentially a tear-off ticket stub that gets mailed back as the RSVP.

Got it. The I would suggest that the ticket stub/RSVP explicitly states that "One seat has been reserved in your honor." And then make sure that friends/relatives of people who may disregard the fact that the invite is only for them know that it's adults-only, so that if they hear anyone with kids mention that they will bring their kids regardless, they can either let you know or tell them that it is an adult-only invitation.

This is generally why I would recommend using a traditional RSVP format, so that there is no question about who it is for.

whoabethers

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

Yes, there is an RSVP portion, which says their name. "John Smith [ ] will attend or [ ] will not attend." Doesn't even give an option to say HOW MANY are attending. Just the invitee name. It's buffet dinner, so no option to select meal.

So how does this work if you are inviting a couple? Do they both have to RSVP separately? I would really suggest sending one invite per guest/couple, with one RSVP card. The card could have each invited guest's name on it, with a check box for "will attend" and "will not attend". Or as mentioned earlier, include a line that says "Two (or whatever number) seats have been reserved in your honor." If anyone does not understand that that means they cannot bring their kids, you will have to deal with that one-on-one.

Every couple gets one envelope and one return-envelope, but each envelope has as many tickets as people being invited. It's essentially a tear-off ticket stub that gets mailed back as the RSVP.

Got it. The I would suggest that the ticket stub/RSVP explicitly states that "One seat has been reserved in your honor." And then make sure that friends/relatives of people who may disregard the fact that the invite is only for them know that it's adults-only, so that if they hear anyone with kids mention that they will bring their kids regardless, they can either let you know or tell them that it is an adult-only invitation.

This is generally why I would recommend using a traditional RSVP format, so that there is no question about who it is for.

I can add "one seat has been reserved in your honor." That is an easy edit to make! 

madamerwin

whoabethers said:

lyndausvi said:

whoabethers said:

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

Yes, there is an RSVP portion, which says their name. "John Smith [ ] will attend or [ ] will not attend." Doesn't even give an option to say HOW MANY are attending. Just the invitee name. It's buffet dinner, so no option to select meal.

So how does this work if you are inviting a couple? Do they both have to RSVP separately? I would really suggest sending one invite per guest/couple, with one RSVP card. The card could have each invited guest's name on it, with a check box for "will attend" and "will not attend". Or as mentioned earlier, include a line that says "Two (or whatever number) seats have been reserved in your honor." If anyone does not understand that that means they cannot bring their kids, you will have to deal with that one-on-one.

Every couple gets one envelope and one return-envelope, but each envelope has as many tickets as people being invited.

what do you mean tickets?

Okay, we're getting married in an old converted movie there, so it's a movie theme. I'm printing our invites on perforated paper, so it's like a giant movie ticket with a stub. So something along the lines of this:

http://www.brighteyedbirdie.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/deco-invite2-Medium.jpg

But instead of "# of attending" it will say the person's name. So each person that is invited gets a ticket, but if a couple is getting invited, they get two tickets in one envelope with one return envelope. 

I like those invites you linked to, but why not just send one per household, with a line for number attending? I feel like having separate tickets is unnecessary and potentially confusing. If you just do one, with a line for "# attending," you will immediately know if anyone is trying to bring their kids (because presumably they would include their kids in the number).

whoabethers

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

Okay, we're getting married in an old converted movie there, so it's a movie theme. I'm printing our invites on perforated paper, so it's like a giant movie ticket with a stub. So something along the lines of this:

http://www.brighteyedbirdie.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/deco-invite2-Medium.jpg

But instead of "# of attending" it will say the person's name. So each person that is invited gets a ticket, but if a couple is getting invited, they get two tickets in one envelope with one return envelope. 

I like those invites you linked to, but why not just send one per household, with a line for number attending? I feel like having separate tickets is unnecessary and potentially confusing. If you just do one, with a line for "# attending," you will immediately know if anyone is trying to bring their kids (because presumably they would include their kids in the number).

I guess I steered away from that idea because I didn't want people to think they can bring someone not on the invite.

whoabethers

Honestly, I'm mostly worried about this one particular group I keep referencing since the mom basically came out and said her adult kids would bring their children no matter what was on the invitation.

madamerwin

whoabethers said:

Honestly, I'm mostly worried about this one particular group I keep referencing since the mom basically came out and said her adult kids would bring their children no matter what was on the invitation.

This is your mom's friend, right? Are they close? Maybe your mom could talk to her about it, and let her know that there will not be extra seats for uninvited guests. Then friend could talk to her children privately about how it is not appropriate to bring uninvited guests to a wedding.

whoabethers said:

I guess I steered away from that idea because I didn't want people to think they can bring someone not on the invite.

I think 99.9% of adults understand that the people listed on the envelope are the people invited. You may be overthinking that - I invited 130 people to my wedding, and zero people misunderstood who the invitation was for.

ETA: I think the ticket-stub-per-person will be more confusing in terms of who is invited, since most people expect to send one RSVP per household. Just food for thought.

whoabethers

madamerwin said:

whoabethers said:

Honestly, I'm mostly worried about this one particular group I keep referencing since the mom basically came out and said her adult kids would bring their children no matter what was on the invitation.

This is your mom's friend, right? Are they close? Maybe your mom could talk to her about it, and let her know that there will not be extra seats for uninvited guests. Then friend could talk to her children privately about how it is not appropriate to bring uninvited guests to a wedding.

Yeah, they're best friends, and we grew up next door to each other. She refuses to talk to her kids about it (she's even encouraged them to bring their kids to weddings in the past that they hadn't been invited to.) So she was the one that told me that I had to send a blast email so no one felt singled out because she thinks it needs to come directly from me. It's bananas!

aurianna

I would think if each "ticket" not only says "1 seat has been reserved in your honor" (or something like it) AND has the name of the person invited, that you should be good.
ETA: Or do as PPs have mentioned and just use one invite with whom is specifically invited

I agree with a PP that if there are a few key people that know it's an adult's only wedding, it could help in the word getting spread. If the bride & groom's parents, the bridal party and maybe a blabbermouth aunt or two know, that's usually pretty sufficient.

If anyone just shows up with their kids, that will be awkward since there won't be a place to sit... (I suggest making a seating chart for this reason if you weren't already)


ETA:
Wait... so your mom's good friend encourages her children to bring their kids to weddings that they aren't invited to... and even though she knows that kids aren't invited, she refuses to tell her kids and is demanding you send out a "Your brats aren't welcome" email? Uh......... so. That's weird.
And so incorrect.
And seriously, even if you invited some kids and not all, you'd be fine there too. If you wanted to invite family kids but not friend's kids you'd be totally within your rights but apparently she thinks that people can only handle their preciouses' not being invited if they get an email explaining that it's no kids? No. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Her sense of this is super warped.

whoabethers

aurianna said:

I would think if each "ticket" not only says "1 seat has been reserved in your honor" (or something like it) AND has the name of the person invited, that you should be good.

I agree with a PP that if there are a few key people that know it's an adult's only wedding, it could help in the word getting spread. If the bride & groom's parents, the bridal party and maybe a blabbermouth aunt or two know, that's usually pretty sufficient.

If anyone just shows up with their kids, that will be awkward since there won't be a place to sit... (I suggest making a seating chart for this reason if you weren't already)

Oh I'm definitely doing a seating chart too. Covering all my bases. 

Someone mentioned that we could do an on-site event babysitter if people do show up with kids, but like... I'm not sure I want to shell out more money just for people who can't read invitations. 

aurianna

whoabethers said:

Oh I'm definitely doing a seating chart too. Covering all my bases. 

Someone mentioned that we could do an on-site event babysitter if people do show up with kids, but like... I'm not sure I want to shell out more money just for people who can't read invitations. 

Another thing we did that I think was ok...
Was on our wedding website under guest information I put something along the lines of:
"If you should need to travel with your children, the hotel has a list of recommended babysitters upon request."

I think it was a way of saying your kids aren't invited without saying your kids aren't invited. Of course... if a person can't understand an invitation, they probably can't understand that either, but who knows.

whoabethers

aurianna said:

whoabethers said:

Oh I'm definitely doing a seating chart too. Covering all my bases. 

Someone mentioned that we could do an on-site event babysitter if people do show up with kids, but like... I'm not sure I want to shell out more money just for people who can't read invitations. 

Another thing we did that I think was ok...
Was on our wedding website under guest information I put something along the lines of:
"If you should need to travel with your children, the hotel has a list of recommended babysitters upon request."

I think it was a way of saying your kids aren't invited without saying your kids aren't invited. Of course... if a person can't understand an invitation, they probably can't understand that either, but who knows.

OHHHH that is a great idea!! I am definitely going to include that on our website.

CMGragain

Just a comment.  It is perfectly OK for you to not want children at your wedding, but your explanations are somewhat off-putting.  I think that you shouldn't explain your decision to people.  It will upset some if you word it like this.  Just say that you have decided to not have children at your wedding and reception and pass the bean dip.

CMGragain

whoabethers said:

Hi folks,

I’m new to the forums, but not new to internet-researching-the-crap-out-of-specifc-topics. This is a pretty old argument, and I’ve seen some heated topics from both sides. Here’s the thing… I don’t particularly enjoy kids at weddings. I know some people get super into it and think it’s adorable to see them dance and act like goofballs. And about MOST things, I am pretty laid back and not Bridezilla-ish, but kids are unpredictable. And when my parents are shelling out a bunch of money for a wedding, I do not like unpredictable. Not to mention, I’m not close to any kids. I don’t have any nieces or nephews, and I don’t live in the same hometown as my close friends who do have kids.So I’ve met my friends’ babies/children like once or twice, and my west coast friends don’t have kids yet. THAT SAID – I’ve already decided that I don’t want kids at the wedding. I’m seeking advice on the best way to handle said decision. I was just going to shoot my friends with kids casual texts, but one of my mom’s friends said that people will feel too singled out and that I need to send a blast email with everyone so they can see EVERYONE is being told not to bring kids. But that seems… weird to me. Would people really feel singled out if they can’t see everyone is getting the same message? Advice on the best way to handle would be much appreciated!

Thanks!

Your Mom's friend is wrong.  It is very rude to mention who is NOT invited to your wedding.  Just address your invitations to the adults.

Jen4948

I'd consider not inviting your mom's friend's children if they can't be counted on to understand that if their kids are not listed on the invitation envelope, they're not invited and not welcome at the wedding. That does assume you're not locked into having to invite her children because you sent them a save-the-date or otherwise indicated that they will be invited.

If you're stuck with having to invite her children and they show up with their uninvited kids, you do have the right to tell them, "I'm sorry, but your kids were not invited and we can't accommodate them. We're sorry, but we can't admit your family." If they take it badly, they're the ones being rude for bringing their uninvited children and then pushing back.

STARMOON44

Tell your mom's friend that since she apparently raised rude inconsiderate children you won't be needing to invite them at all? Like, nope to her.

MobKaz

whoabethers said:

aurianna said:

I would think if each "ticket" not only says "1 seat has been reserved in your honor" (or something like it) AND has the name of the person invited, that you should be good.

I agree with a PP that if there are a few key people that know it's an adult's only wedding, it could help in the word getting spread. If the bride & groom's parents, the bridal party and maybe a blabbermouth aunt or two know, that's usually pretty sufficient.

If anyone just shows up with their kids, that will be awkward since there won't be a place to sit... (I suggest making a seating chart for this reason if you weren't already)

Oh I'm definitely doing a seating chart too. Covering all my bases. 

Someone mentioned that we could do an on-site event babysitter if people do show up with kids, but like... I'm not sure I want to shell out more money just for people who can't read invitations. 

I'm sorry to say that you can "cover your bases" six ways to Sunday and it may not matter.  My husband and I were invited to a wedding years ago and it was made EXPLICITLY clear that NO children were invited.  Everyone in the family was aware of this.  My husband's sister brought their two children anyway.

For my daughter's wedding, we did not invite children.  The son of my husband's sister (our nephew) added his daughter's name to the bottom of the invitation with a note.  The note read, "We will bring food for Jenna, and she can sit on our lap.  No worries for you."  No joke.  To keep a long story short, the kids attended the wedding.

My son married the following year.  Although not appropriate, I head them off at the pass for this wedding.  I made it perfectly clear directly to them prior to sending out the invitation that under NO circumstance were children welcome.  I said they would be sent home.  I know it was wrong in terms of manners and etiquette, but I would rather face that indiscretion from the get-go than at the start of the reception.  If someone is going to be that obnoxious and obtuse, I'm not going to sweat my etiquette faux pas.

monkeysip

@MobKaz 

Good lord, how are people so stubborn?  I would never bring my daughter somewhere that she wasn't invited.  When my stepsister sent the invitation to her wedding, it didn't have my daughter's name on it.  My Dad (who was hosting the wedding) kept talking about seeing my daughter, and I made sure to ask him and MAKE SURE that she actually was inviting my daughter since her name wasn't on the invitation.  I never would've just assumed.  (Turns out my daughter was invited--but since she was only 1, they didn't put her name).

If she hadn't been invited, I would've totally understood.  I probably wouldn't have gone, but just because it was an out of state wedding, not because my feelings are hurt or I never go anywhere without my child.

LD1970

I love your theme and invitation idea, and I think having each person's name and that ONE seat is reserved in the person's honor is perfect.

I know what people are SUPPOSED to know, and I 99% agree with everyone about what's right, but one couple invited at my no-kid wedding RSVPed for only themselves (2) and then showed up with their uninvited kid anyway.

So I kind of wish we'd done it your way - specific names and ONE seat on the reply card.

Heffalump

I agree, no kids is fine because you're not close to any and it doesn't seem like you have a compelling reason to invite them.  Totally fine, etiquette-wise.  I also agree that the "unpredictable" stuff is just BS--I have seen more unpredictable wedding misbehavior from adults who were overserved (or just plain obnoxious) than from kids. 

And yes, if it's one person you're concerned about, it's better to address that person directly.  One of my pet peeves is when there is a problem with one person (usually at work), and it's addressed with some blanket blah-blah-blah that 99% of people already understood to begin with.  Deal with the problem and leave everyone else out of it.