Shower Invites Received and NOW I Find Out It's Rude to Include Registry Info?!

Knottie1441833420

Having a conniption here.
We spent a bunch of time on getting the shower invitation templates filled out just how we wanted them, and now I'm just reading for the first time that including where I'm registered (even though it's part of the TEMPLATE!) is rude.  I didn't even like the idea of a registry but got talked into it and now it's going to look like I'm looking for presents?!
This is awful. I don't know what to do

whoabethers

Knottie1441833420 said:

Having a conniption here.
We spent a bunch of time on getting the shower invitation templates filled out just how we wanted them, and now I'm just reading for the first time that including where I'm registered (even though it's part of the TEMPLATE!) is rude.  I didn't even like the idea of a registry but got talked into it and now it's going to look like I'm looking for presents?!
This is awful. I don't know what to do

This is the first I'm hearing that it's tacky. Every shower invite I've received from all of my friends who got married DID have registry information. Curious why it's considered rude!

Knottie1441833420

Well, from what I am seeing after Googling "is it rude to include registry info on invitation" it seems to imply that it's equating the importance of getting a gift with inviting them.
I mean, I can understand for the wedding, but isn't the bridal shower entirely for the purpose of doing gifts - why would I make them ask around? Seems like more work for them 

labro

A shower is specifically a gift giving event. It's generally not considered rude or gift grabby to communicate registry information on the shower invitation. My shower included plenty of off registry gifts so I think people generally got the point that the registry was a courtesy only and not required for gift giving. Your invitations are in the clear.

whoabethers

Knottie1441833420 said:

Well, from what I am seeing after Googling "is it rude to include registry info on invitation" it seems to imply that it's equating the importance of getting a gift with inviting them.
I mean, I can understand for the wedding, but isn't the bridal shower entirely for the purpose of doing gifts - why would I make them ask around? Seems like more work for them 

Totally agreed! That is what a shower is for. Personally, if I got invited to a shower without registry information, I'd be a little peeved! 

Knottie1441833420

Thank you all SO much!! I was panicking - I don't want to offend!

ILoveBeachMusic

I think the invitation to which the Google response was in reference to was a wedding invitation. Every shower I've been invited to (wedding or baby) has had the registry information on it. You are good to go!

Viczaesar

Knottie1441833420 said:

Having a conniption here.
We spent a bunch of time on getting the shower invitation templates filled out just how we wanted them, and now I'm just reading for the first time that including where I'm registered (even though it's part of the TEMPLATE!) is rude.  I didn't even like the idea of a registry but got talked into it and now it's going to look like I'm looking for presents?!
This is awful. I don't know what to do

Registry information on shower invitations is fine because the whole purpose of a shower is to shower the guest of honor with presents.  It's also not hosted by you for the purpose of getting presents for yourself, so I'm more concerned that it sounds like you're doing your own shower invitations.  Who is hosting the shower?

Knottie1441833420

Sorry you're absolutely right - my parents are hosting, however since they're not tech savvy, we made them together online.

CMGragain

It is perfectly acceptable to put the bride's registry on shower invitations.
It is not acceptable for her parents to host a shower for her.

Viczaesar

CMGragain said:

It is perfectly acceptable to put the bride's registry on shower invitations.
It is not acceptable for her parents to host a shower for her.

Incorrect.  In many circles it's considered perfectly fine for parents to host a shower for their offspring now.

CMGragain

Viczaesar said:

CMGragain said:

It is perfectly acceptable to put the bride's registry on shower invitations.
It is not acceptable for her parents to host a shower for her.

Incorrect.  In many circles it's considered perfectly fine for parents to host a shower for their offspring now.

The key words are "in many circles".  Traditional etiquette frowns on this.  Showers should be given, voluntarily, by friends or other relatives, not the parents.  In some places it has become common, but in many others it is still taboo.  Too gift grabby.  No one is entitled to a bridal shower.

Viczaesar

CMGragain said:

Viczaesar said:

CMGragain said:

It is perfectly acceptable to put the bride's registry on shower invitations.
It is not acceptable for her parents to host a shower for her.

Incorrect.  In many circles it's considered perfectly fine for parents to host a shower for their offspring now.

The key words are "in many circles".  Traditional etiquette frowns on this.  Showers should be given, voluntarily, by friends or other relatives, not the parents.  In some places it has become common, but in many others it is still taboo.  Too gift grabby.  No one is entitled to a bridal shower.

Yes, in many circles it is considered perfectly fine for parents to host a shower, so your statement that it is not acceptable is incorrect.

CMGragain

I am afraid that we must disagree on this.  Cash bars are considered acceptable in some areas, but we discourage that.  I strongly disapprove of parents hosting a shower, since it is a gift giving occasion.  However, parents can host many other wedding related activities and no one would find it odd.  I think Judith Martin agrees with me on this.
From Miss Manners' website:

"Bridal showers, and for that matter, baby showers, are supposed to be informal gatherings of the honoree’s close friends, who give charming little (repeat: little) presents befitting the circumstances-to-be. For the honoree’s parents to give showers, whether or not they can afford to do so, not only looks vulgar because of the focus on presents, but also destroys the premise.

Those monster showers given today have become a burden on both hosts and guests, another in a series of events designed to collect whatever goods the honorees have announced that they want."

Even the Emily Post Institute, which I do not like, admits that it has long been a tradition that the bride's family members do not host a shower for her.  Of course, then they go on to say, basically, do whatever you want.  This is why I don't respect them anymore.

Viczaesar

Cash bars and parents hosting a shower are apples and oranges.  Cash bars are not acceptable etiquette anywhere and are always rude because they put the burden of paying on the guest.  Family hosting showers is acceptable etiquette in many circles because society has changed.  It used to be inappropriate because the bride was going from their household to her husband's household and as a dependent they were responsible for outfitting her appropriately.  By hosting a shower at which she was showered with gifts for her new household they were foisting their responsibility off on other people.  That is not the social situation any longer, hence the etiquette changing.  Brides are typically socially independent, established adults in their own household with their own job, supporting themselves.  It is not their immediate family members' responsibility to furnish her new household, which she may already be living in with her fiance, and thus they are not foisting off any responsibility.  This does not affect the guests at all, unlike a cash bar. 

Viczaesar

CMGragain said:

I am afraid that we must disagree on this.  Cash bars are considered acceptable in some areas, but we discourage that.  I strongly disapprove of parents hosting a shower, since it is a gift giving occasion.  However, parents can host many other wedding related activities and no one would find it odd.  I think Judith Martin agrees with me on this.

Also, who is the we?  Knotties?  There are more regulars here who have no problem with parents hosting a shower than who do, so kindly stop trying to speak for everyone.

[Deleted User]

I hate jumping in the middle of this, but there was a thread debating parents throwing a shower or not on another part of the boards not too long ago. I think it was discovered that the original etiquette (frowning on parents throwing a shower) was in place for if the bride still lived at home with the parents. Now that many brides live independently or with their FI before their wedding, it is not considered taboo for the parents to host a shower anymore. If I'm remembering correctly, it also had something to do with a dowry... so if there's no dowry, it's not something you need to worry about, haha. 

kimmiinthemitten

AisforA said:

I hate jumping in the middle of this, but there was a thread debating parents throwing a shower or not on another part of the boards not too long ago. I think it was discovered that the original etiquette (frowning on parents throwing a shower) was in place for if the bride still lived at home with the parents. Now that many brides live independently or with their FI before their wedding, it is not considered taboo for the parents to host a shower anymore. If I'm remembering correctly, it also had something to do with a dowry... so if there's no dowry, it's not something you need to worry about, haha. 

That was my post because FMIL has offered to host my shower.  I've decided to accept her offer.  I hosted my sisters shower, my Aunt hosted my cousins, his Aunt hosted his cousin's wifes and so on.  

Like you, I read the arguments for and against, and since I'm a bride that hasn't lived at home in 18 years I see no reason to confuse this with a parent passing on responsibility, nor do I think most brides are in this situation either.

And anyways, an invitation is not a subpoena.  If someone agrees with @CMGragain and finds it inappropriate they can decline, no problem.

laurad75

Thank you @AisforA and @kimmiinthemitten.  I have been studying the boards here making sure I am making good hosting decisions and not breaking any major etiquette rules but my mother is so excited to host my bridal shower (with help from my BM's) and I got nervous.  I haven't lived at home in over 20 years and there is definitely no dowry so I don't think its going to be a problem.   

Knottie1441833420

Wow, had no idea I was starting such turmoil haha!

In my 'circle', my mother was actually under the impression she was expected to host my shower, just like the one we went to last year was hosted by that bride's mother, and the ones we have been to before that.  In fact, I have never been to a bridal shower (stag and does, yes, but not bridal shower) that was not hosted by the parents of the bride.  So..... I'm thinking there may even be regional variants to this.  I was always under the impression it was for either mother of the bride or friends to host the shower and that the only actually improper thing would be for the bride to host her own (obviously).

This is another instance of something I didn't even want, but guests were asking about so far in advance we decided we would go through with one.

Such judgments for such innocent intentions - thank goodness none of my family has such strong feelings on the matter, we'd have been split up long ago haha!

Viczaesar

AisforA said:

I hate jumping in the middle of this, but there was a thread debating parents throwing a shower or not on another part of the boards not too long ago. I think it was discovered that the original etiquette (frowning on parents throwing a shower) was in place for if the bride still lived at home with the parents. Now that many brides live independently or with their FI before their wedding, it is not considered taboo for the parents to host a shower anymore. If I'm remembering correctly, it also had something to do with a dowry... so if there's no dowry, it's not something you need to worry about, haha. 

Yes, that's basically what I was saying.

CattysMom

whoabethers said:

Knottie1441833420 said:

Well, from what I am seeing after Googling "is it rude to include registry info on invitation" it seems to imply that it's equating the importance of getting a gift with inviting them.
I mean, I can understand for the wedding, but isn't the bridal shower entirely for the purpose of doing gifts - why would I make them ask around? Seems like more work for them 

Totally agreed! That is what a shower is for. Personally, if I got invited to a shower without registry information, I'd be a little peeved! 

I'd also be peeved at a shower invite with no registry information.  The shower is all about showering the Bride with gifts and I'd like to get her something that I know she wants or needs, without having to ask where she's registered.  I don't feel its rude to include that kind of information on a shower invite.  Wedding invitations are completely different. 

Jen4948

CattysMom said:

whoabethers said:

Knottie1441833420 said:

Well, from what I am seeing after Googling "is it rude to include registry info on invitation" it seems to imply that it's equating the importance of getting a gift with inviting them.
I mean, I can understand for the wedding, but isn't the bridal shower entirely for the purpose of doing gifts - why would I make them ask around? Seems like more work for them 

Totally agreed! That is what a shower is for. Personally, if I got invited to a shower without registry information, I'd be a little peeved! 

I'd also be peeved at a shower invite with no registry information.  The shower is all about showering the Bride with gifts and I'd like to get her something that I know she wants or needs, without having to ask where she's registered.  I don't feel its rude to include that kind of information on a shower invite.  Wedding invitations are completely different. 

Sorry, but it's also not rude to not include registry information in shower invitations.  Showers have taken place for decades-long before any store came up with the idea of gift registries.  There is no etiquette requirement whatsoever that brides have to register for gifts in order to consent to a shower in their honor; nor is there one that shower gifts can only come off registries. 

Presumably, in order for you even to receive an invitation to the shower, the bride, or someone close to her, is close enough for you to ask for gift suggestions if your imagination and knowledge of her doesn't clue you in on what she'd like as a gift. But they are not being rude to you by not doing gift pre-selections for you.

And, if you're still pissed off about getting a shower invitation without a registry, just decline the damn thing.  The bride, hostess, and other guests will probably appreciate it if you do.

MairePoppy

Most of the showers that I've been invited to were hosted by the MOB an/or MOG or other close family member. The brides weren't dependent on their parents and no one expected the POB to set their daughters up in 'housekeeping' or provide dowries. That's a rather sexist notion that implies that the groom is being compensated for taking on the burden of supporting the bride. 

It's fine to include registry info with the shower invitation, but it's not rude not to include. In fact, the bride isn't required to have a registry, at all. If their is a registry, the guests aren't required to shop off it.

CMGragain

Historically, showers were hen parties where the ladies gave small, useful gifts to the bride.  They were never intended to set up a household for the couple.  It was fun!   There were no bachelorette parties.

doclago

How else are people going to know what you want/need? I don't think that is true....what is considered tacky is having guests pay for your honeymoon(although I don't understand that either if they planned on giving money anyway). It wouldn't be different than giving someone a gift card to lowes  if you now they are planning to renovate...

MairePoppy

doclago said:

How else are people going to know what you want/need? I don't think that is true....what is considered tacky is having guests pay for your honeymoon(although I don't understand that either if they planned on giving money anyway). It wouldn't be different than giving someone a gift card to lowes  if you now they are planning to renovate...

It's considered rude to ask for cash in any form, including gift cards and cash registries for honeymoons, mortgage, home improvements, furniture etc.... If guests want to give cash gifts, they will do so without being prompted.