Emotional Day...

[Deleted User]

Not sure where to begin...

My SO and I have been together for 2 years, both divorced, with 2 kids each. Marriage is a topic that has been discussed since pretty early on in our relationship.

We went once to casually look at rings last summer. We both got an idea of what we wanted. In December we decided to take a trip to the jeweler after Christmas. I still had my original wedding set and we wanted to talk to them again about trade vs consign... With Valentine's Day coming up, I was thinking it would be a good time to get my diamond in there and hope that it would be sold within a couple months. Thinking that when we got the money from that, SO would go back and buy the E-Ring. Well, we ended up doing the trade that day and walked out of the store purchasing all 3 rings. I was absolutely shocked that it actually happened that day! But super excited! The rings were ordered and we were told they would be in in 3 weeks or so.

I told SO that I wanted him to pick them up and I didn't want to see the E-Ring until "the day"... Well, I told my BFF we made the purchase and she got me totally wedding crazed. (She's excited because I eloped the first time around and haven't experienced any of the "wedding" stuff... including a proposal!) I originally thought I would be OK with the idea of knowing he had the ring and waiting to be surprised with the proposal. But since that day - it's all I can think about. We joked a little bit about places he could propose and he keeps teasing me that it won't be for 9+ months, etc... Other than that, I haven't really brought up proposing at all...

My BFF started sending me venues and then I started looking as well.. I mentioned to SO and he even suggested we go check 2 of them out. We have 2 tours scheduled next week... Is it strange that he wants to do that before we are even engaged?

Today I got really emotional - He got the call that all 3 rings were finally in and I am feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I came to the conclusion that I am mad at myself for being apart of the ring purchase. I completely regret it. I thought I could handle it, but I now know that I am going to drive myself crazy. I wish I knew nothing! I know so many of you have been in the same boat... How am I supposed to "forget" about all of this and distract myself??

labro

TME310 said:

Not sure where to begin...

My SO and I have been together for 2 years, both divorced, with 2 kids each. Marriage is a topic that has been discussed since pretty early on in our relationship.

We went once to casually look at rings last summer. We both got an idea of what we wanted. In December we decided to take a trip to the jeweler after Christmas. I still had my original wedding set and we wanted to talk to them again about trade vs consign... With Valentine's Day coming up, I was thinking it would be a good time to get my diamond in there and hope that it would be sold within a couple months. Thinking that when we got the money from that, SO would go back and buy the E-Ring. Well, we ended up doing the trade that day and walked out of the store purchasing all 3 rings. I was absolutely shocked that it actually happened that day! But super excited! The rings were ordered and we were told they would be in in 3 weeks or so.

I told SO that I wanted him to pick them up and I didn't want to see the E-Ring until "the day"... Well, I told my BFF we made the purchase and she got me totally wedding crazed. (She's excited because I eloped the first time around and haven't experienced any of the "wedding" stuff... including a proposal!) I originally thought I would be OK with the idea of knowing he had the ring and waiting to be surprised with the proposal. But since that day - it's all I can think about. We joked a little bit about places he could propose and he keeps teasing me that it won't be for 9+ months, etc... Other than that, I haven't really brought up proposing at all...

My BFF started sending me venues and then I started looking as well.. I mentioned to SO and he even suggested we go check 2 of them out. We have 2 tours scheduled next week... Is it strange that he wants to do that before we are even engaged?

Today I got really emotional - He got the call that all 3 rings were finally in and I am feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I came to the conclusion that I am mad at myself for being apart of the ring purchase. I completely regret it. I thought I could handle it, but I now know that I am going to drive myself crazy. I wish I knew nothing! I know so many of you have been in the same boat... How am I supposed to "forget" about all of this and distract myself??

Woah. Ok, so let me just c/n here. 1. Your BF JUST got the call about the rings being ready for pick-up after you and your BFF had a BSC fest looking at venues?

I think you need to back away slowly from the wedding Googling and tell your friend to chill too. I get that you're excited and she's excited...but she definitely needs to back off for the moment.

You mentioned that you've been married before and you eloped and didn't have a traditional proposal. All of this is totally ok but it sounds like a traditional proposal and a traditional wedding are both really important to you with your current SO. If that's the case, then you just need to stop looking at venues now. Cancel the meetings you have next week. Tell your BF you got ahead of yourself and you'd prefer to hold off an serious wedding planning until after he proposes.

It doesn't sound like he's being very fair with teasing you about proposal locations and when he's going to do it. Let him know you want it to be a surprise (this is what I'm getting from your post anyway) and that it really stresses you out when he continuously brings it up without it being a real timeline.

As for the "wait". Focus now on you. Start a new hobby, focus on getting healthy/working out more often, enjoy the life you have in the moment and don't worry about when he's going to propose. It'll just drive you crazy and make the in-between time seem to last even longer. Appreciate the life and the relationship you have right now and quit focusing on the near future. And quit getting upset with yourself for being involved in consigning your old rings and picking out a new set. Many brides end up dissatisfied with a ring their SO chooses without their input because it isn't their style or didn't meet their expectations. So really, being involved is awesome! You just need to quit focusing on the fact that he has the rings.

I found out around 4 months before I got engaged that my SO had a ring on layaway. I took a moment to scream and jump around with my sister (who had blown the secret) and then I promptly just let it go. When he asked me a few months later, it was a wonderful and amazing surprise and I hadn't been making myself miserable wondering if at every turn he was going to ask me to marry him. During those 4 months I just focused on myself, and on enjoying the relationship we had. I didn't think about wedding planning, I didn't think about getting engaged, I just lived my life normally. It's better if you don't put yourself in that position either - meaning don't look at venues, don't arrange meetings with venues or vendors, and try to avoid talking wedding planning with your BFF. I KNOW it's tempting, but this is where your willpower comes in.

Honestly, my personal opinion is that your BF mostly has the rings now...and I doubt he's going to be comfortable holding on to them for any real length of time. It'll happen soon enough!

bethsmiles

I agree 100% with @labro. Cancel those venue tours right now! You aren't engaged and it sounds like all of this is really overwhelming you anyway.

CMGragain

I from the older generation, so forgive me if I don't understand the importance of staged proposals.  My DH asked me "How would you like to be a June bride?" quite casually.  We were sitting on the balcony of his bachelor apartment.  He didn't have a ring.  (Eeek!  This was mid March!)
I ordered my engagement ring from the jewelry company I worked for, following my FI's instructions.  It has been on my finger for almost 40 years.  It is a symbol of our commitment, just as the wedding ring is a symbol.  It is not the marriage.  I would be just as married without the rings.
I think you are placing too much importance on wedding romance.  Have the two of you agreed that you are going to be married in the foreseeable future?  If you have, then you are engaged.  Many brides don't have an engagement ring at all.  My mother had two rings from engagements that fell apart, and another from a failed marriage.  They are meaningless.
I am sure that you will enjoy your rings when your boyfriend/FI decides to present them to you.  Meanwhile, relax, and stop watching wedding porn TV.

AddieCake

I don't understand needing a "surprise proposal" once you've picked out and purchased rings. That just seems so weird to me. I also don't understand being so overwhelmed with emotion when you knew a "proposal" was coming. Didn't it already basically come the day you bought rings? 

holyguacamole79

H accidentally told me that he bought the ring. That was on Mothers Day. He proposed in Memorial Day. So, I had ~2 weeks of knowing. At first, it was hard to not think about it, but I was on a crazy busy project at work, so it became "easier" to not think about it. When he did propose, I was surprised by timing.

Jen4948

Tbh, I think that once you agree that you are going to get married, you are engaged-with or without a ring, with or without a "proposal" and with or without "popping the question." So a "surprise proposal" in your circumstances just doesn't make sense to me.

CMGragain

About those venue tours - have you two made up your wedding budget, yet?  Have you drawn up your guest list?  No?  Then stop looking at venues!  This is the last thing you do when planning a wedding, not the first!

RomanceManaged

I totally understand what sort of emotional place you're coming from. FMIL and I went on a long weekend woman retreat over the summer, and the night before I left FI, who has a habit of talking in his sleep, told me not to ask FMIL about my surprise. I had no idea what he was talking about at the time, so I hounded everyone. Well, my sister eventually told me that he had been in the works of purchasing a ring, and it had finally come in and everyone knew but me. It drove me nuts. I dropped hints all the time, I started to think he was having second thoughts since he hadn't asked, it was crazy. I let it go, and three months later I got really sick and was on bed rest, and he asked me then. I looked terrible, I felt terrible, but it was the sweetest thing in the whole world. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, because no matter what, it was still special because he asked me to be his wife.

My advice to you is to let it go. Put a pin in it for now. It will drive you crazy knowing he has it, so put it out of your mind and don't ruin it. FI told me I came so close to ruining it, he almost didn't do it, and was going to wait even longer so I could still be surprised. Your BF loves you, and has taken a very big step in your relationship. Don't let your crazy pants ruin it.

speakeasy14

I second (third?) everything @labro said.  If it is truly important that you experience a traditional proposal, then cancel the venue tours and wait to do any planning until he proposes. 

labro

Can someone make a gif saying "Thanks guys. NEY's got this."? plsthnxbai

speakeasy14

@labro I gotchu -- whoops labor is not labro hahahaha

AlPacina

@speakeasy14 - That's so awesome!

labro

speakeasy14 said:

@labro I gotchu -- whoops labor is not labro hahahaha

This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

I love you.

bethsmiles

@speakeasy14 - best.gif.ever!

AddieCake

I read the request for and the gif as a "Don't post here if you're not a NEY reg" message. Sorry to infringe on your territory. Won't happen again from me. 

labro

@AddieCake To be completely honest, none of you ever come over here and try to chat ever. Most other regs just seem to show up at random whenever a person with a question or a BSC makes a post here and it's like Jesus coming down to his disciples or something.

AddieCake

@labro Fair enough, and like I said, message received. 

minskat30

@labro - You are so mean to all these lurkers...for example, certain folks on Wedding Woes don't seem to like us!  Oh well, more of you for me to LOVE.  But if anyone on there is lurking and sees this...you could try to get to know us first and all.  

On a somewhat related note, I found this gif and think it is how I'm going to tell H and I we should fight from now on..

Swazzle

I wasn't on here all weekend so I never even bothered to look at this thread until now.

I think it's kind of unnecessary to call out regs from other boards for commenting on this thread, if I'm being honest. We tell newbs all the time you can't tell people how to post so I think that should also be the case here and I don't really get what the big deal is.

Every now and then I pop over on CC or wherever and put in my $0.02 and my reaction to someone over there telling me I can't post on CC because I'm an NEY reg would be:



That said.....

1) It would be cool for regs from other boards to join in with our convos but I (now) fully understand why they wouldn't want to.

And 2) I think it's "laughable" that there's an obvious TOS violation on that thread on Wedding Woes but I guess it's OK since it's bashing NEY? I mean, even some of the almighty mods have commented on it so it's clearly OK to break that rule. /sarcasm

GoldenPenguin

Swazzle said:

I wasn't on here all weekend so I never even bothered to look at this thread until now.

I think it's kind of unnecessary to call out regs from other boards for commenting on this thread, if I'm being honest. We tell newbs all the time you can't tell people how to post so I think that should also be the case here and I don't really get what the big deal is.

Every now and then I pop over on CC or wherever and put in my $0.02 and my reaction to someone over there telling me I can't post on CC because I'm an NEY reg would be:



That said.....

1) It would be cool for regs from other boards to join in with our convos but I (now) fully understand why they wouldn't want to.

And 2) I think it's "laughable" that there's an obvious TOS violation on that thread on Wedding Woes but I guess it's OK since it's bashing NEY? I mean, even some of the almighty mods have commented on it so it's clearly OK to break that rule. /sarcasm

This whole thing. This is where I'm living too. Especially #2.

minskat30

@swazzle - I was and am genuinely confused (this is NOT sarcasm) what is a TOS violation.  I refrained from linking to the linking because I don't want to deal (again) with the hassle of fighting over a, at best, confusing and, at worst, arbitrary, rule.  If the rule is no linking, period, I wish that would just be said and be the end of the discussion.  

I also welcome contributions from others on NEY...no one here runs the board.  I do think it is prudent to get to know people on the board and the board's style before posting, but that's just me.

labro

@Swazzle Honestly, nobody said "You can't post here". But I for one, and I think other people, certainly find it irritating that others just decide to randomly show up here ONLY in the case of a BSC crazy post or a newb with a question and it comes across very much with a feeling of we know it all. Especially when it happens over the weekend. Maybe I'd feel differently if other people chose to attempt to participate in other threads versus exclusively in a situation like this. I'm saying all this without reading whatever the thread is on Wedding Woes.

Also, good job to the TOS violation and the mods not giving a warning on it (unless that's changed).  

IMO, there are certain boards on TK that have a very specific culture, WW and NEY being examples, where there's a definite group of people who talk most days/every day and it isn't just about the board subject. And I think it'd be equally eye roll worthy and annoying for a group of us to just show up there en masse like the Lord God Almighty and pronounce our opinion on a particular thread but never try to participate in anything else.

Swazzle

@minskat30 - Unless it's changed and I was unaware, you're not allowed to link to other threads.

@labro - No, nobody outright specifically said "you can't post here" but it's very obvious that's what people were implying.

I guess I'm in the "who cares?" boat and maybe I'm the lone sailor in that boat. NEY is deserted 99% of the time on the weekends so who cares if a newb pops in and people that aren't NEY regs respond? Or even during the week when it happens, for that matter. We don't OWN NEY even though this is like our TK home so I don't see what the big deal is about anyone from TK popping over here and commenting on something they feel like commenting on. It seems to me like even though we have our own "culture" over here, it's not like the regs from other boards are popping over and telling a BSC newb to plan her wedding and buy her wedding dress even though she's not dating anyone right now so I just don't see what the big deal is. 

AlPacina

They're just jealous we get the most points every week.

labro

@Swazzle I mean, that's cool. And I 100% respect what you're saying. I guess it's just happened a lot lately where there is a huge pile-on EXCLUSIVELY from non-NEY regs and then poof, they're gone. We've never not been open to new people, or even new people from other boards (specific examples being @jenna8984 and @beachyone15 ). I guess the point I was trying to make was fine...we got your opinion, and since you don't care to participate here at any other time, you can go away now. And I'll admit it wasn't exactly welcoming of me, but we all have our less than flattering moments. Some of the regs who participated earlier in this thread are cool people, but they don't care to come chat here at any other time. in fact...like @Heffalump they'd rather just link this thread to other boards (which btw is a TOS violation...you may wanna fix that) rather than address their grievance here. Oh, and maybe try to get to know the people here too.

labro

AlPacina said:

They're just jealous we get the most points every week.

speakeasy14

My gif was completely meant to be funny.  So if I'm roped into the hate mail, sorry but not sorry for making a funny gif? 


@tme310 also, sorry that we derailed your thread.  You did receive a lot of really good answers and I hope we didn't scare you off.  I also hope, that you were able to take everyone's advice.  I hope you stick around and get to know us.  We're a great distraction, and can help you keep your mind off waiting for him to propose.

Jells2dot0

the mods are rendered helpless right now from making reports, editing posts, banning, etc. It all has to be done through @KnotHolly until TK Tech can get their shit together.

I agree that the link needs to be removed, but there is no point in complaining that the mods overlooked it when they can't exactly do anything about it.

Jells2dot0

Jells2dot0 said:

the mods are rendered helpless right now from making reports, editing posts, banning, etc. It all has to be done through @KnotHolly until TK Tech can get their shit together.

I agree that the link needs to be removed, but there is no point in complaining that the mods overlooked it when they can't exactly do anything about it.

Okay, so I was able to edit the post. I removed the link.

BTW @GoldenPenguin You are a mod and can do the editing yourself if you see a TOS violation. Why call out the other mods when you have the same powers?

Swazzle

@labro - I see your points, I guess it just doesn't really bother me. I do agree that it'd be nice for regs from elsewhere to hang out here because overall, I do think we're welcoming, but I definitely don't think that's going to happen after this thread. 

@Jells2dot0 - One of our regs received a warning not that long ago for linking to a thread so I was just wondering why it was allowed elsewhere but not here. Thanks for clearing that up.