BM dress etiquette question.

charlotte989875

I'm a BM in SILs (H's sister) wedding this spring. She has been very indecisive about dresses partly bc she doesn't really know what she wants, but also bc one of the other BMs is pregnant now, but will have delivered about a month or so before the wedding. She's trying to be very sensitive to this BM. She finally chose a dress, but when she told us the price ($250 without tax, shipping (which I will need) or alterations) it's more than I had expected. So here's the problem, she never asked for a budget (but told us a dress that was $280 was WAY too much to ask us to pay) and this is too expensive.

H is pissed about this and wants to talk to her directly. I said I should do it because I'm in the WP. What's the right thing to do here? The dress is more than we can afford right now and I think she'll be really understanding, but who talks to her? I know the general sense is that "blood talks to blood", but that feels weird to me in this case. Thanks in advance.

STARMOON44

You do! You are the bridesmaid, you are the one wearing it, you talk to her!

levioosa

charlotte989875 said:

I'm a BM in SILs (H's sister) wedding this spring. She has been very indecisive about dresses partly bc she doesn't really know what she wants, but also bc one of the other BMs is pregnant now, but will have delivered about a month or so before the wedding. She's trying to be very sensitive to this BM. She finally chose a dress, but when she told us the price ($250 without tax, shipping (which I will need) or alterations) it's more than I had expected. So here's the problem, she never asked for a budget (but told us a dress that was $280 was WAY too much to ask us to pay) and this is too expensive. H is pissed about this and wants to talk to her directly. I said I should do it because I'm in the WP. What's the right thing to do here? The dress is more than we can afford right now and I think she'll be really understanding, but who talks to her? I know the general sense is that "blood talks to blood", but that feels weird to me in this case. Thanks in advance.

You talk to her.  

downtondiva

You need to talk to her about this. It's nice that your husband is on your side on this, but it's not really his problem.

glasgowtolondon

If people actually spoke to each other about issues that arise the world would be a much better place, OP. If you are close enough to this woman to be in her wp then surely you are close enough to say 'SIL, that dress is lovely however we didn't discuss budget and unfortunately it is way out of mine. My budget is x, lets see what the other bm's can afford and have another look for appropriate dresses'. This is not confrontational in the slightest.

charlotte989875

Thanks everyone. I agree it's on me, H was so insistent I'll just tell him to back off.

@glasgowtolondon you're right it's not confrontational. She and I aren't super close, and I felt bad saying its too much since it took her so long to find a dress that would work for the other BM, but it's really out of our price range right now.

Thanks Ladies.

glasgowtolondon

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks everyone. I agree it's on me, H was so insistent I'll just tell him to back off.

@glasgowtolondon you're right it's not confrontational. She and I aren't super close, and I felt bad saying its too much since it took her so long to find a dress that would work for the other BM, but it's really out of our price range right now.

Thanks Ladies.

I completely get what you are saying, but she's kind of brought this on herself by assuming a non existent budget - hopefully she gets that when you speak to her. If I were in her place instead of feeling put out that I had to find a new dress, I'd feel mortified that I'd put you in this position. How she reacts will tell you everything you need to know about your SIL!

charlotte989875

Thanks. It went well, she agreed it was too much, but she was just waiting for someone to say something. We still don't have a dress, but hopefully will soon.

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks. It went well, she agreed it was too much, but she was just waiting for someone to say something. We still don't have a dress, but hopefully will soon.

What the what?? So she was just hoping that someone would talk her down??

Yeah, I think you need to be really specific about how much you want to spend including alterations so she can dial back the financial expectations. 

OliveOilsMom

Are you willing to take any reigns towards finding a dress?  Take the dress she wanted that was $250 and find it somewhere cheaper from a different designer?  Styles and silhouettes are all very similar and available at most stores and bridal salons.  Or maybe even look to RenttheRunway.com?

STARMOON44

Have you told her your actual budget or just "this is too much"? I think you should tell her ASAP what it is so she doesn't waste any more time.

SP29

Why is there such difficulty finding a dress? 

Is it because the bride is trying to find something SHE likes? Or because the BMs don't agree? Or everyone is a different size/shape?

I would give her budget of what you would be willing to spend +/- alterations and encourage her to ask the others. If she's still wishy-washy, perhaps suggest that you've seen on these boards that other brides have told their BMs a colour/length/fabric/designer and let the BMs pick their own dress within their budgets.

I told my BMs- midnight blue, cocktail length, David's Bridal. I didn't care what style or fabric it was (I had 2 women in my party, they picked different fabrics, still looked great!). I went with DB because they do have a variety of styles in lots of colour options, easy to order any size, and they are quite reasonably priced. I looked at other clothing and department stores in my area, as well as online; either the store didn't have navy dresses (apparently the one year navy wasn't "in"), or they had one style, and it wasn't cheaper than anything at David's. Anyway, it worked out well. 

charlotte989875

I did exactly what @banana468 @STARMOON44 and @SP29 suggested and said "this is my budget pre-alterations and shipping" so she can just look for something under that number.

And I've tried to make suggestions but she's trying to find something she likes and that will make the BM who is pregnant comfortable. Me and the other BM have pretty much said we will wear anything if it means she finally picks a damn dress. I've tried suggesting letting us two wear the one the bride and the two of us love and letting the pregnant BM pick something in the same length and color once she delivers that she is comfortable in. I tried reminding her how much she liked picking her own dress for my wedding when I just said long navy blue chiffon. And the other BM and I have offered to find similar dresses online.

For some reason bride wants to see everything in person, see the colors in person before deciding. I'd love other suggestions of how to help her along. She says she has it covered, by this is getting a little ridiculous.

SP29

Ah, yes, ridiculous. Sounds like the bride still wants you all matchy-matchy. 

The pregnant BM is difficult- the easy solution would be to let that BM pick her own dress in the decided upon colour after she delivers. But it doesn't sound like the bride is willing to let that go- she's really just spinning her wheels if she's trying to find something now.

This might just be wasting your time, but... could you go, by yourself or with the other BM, to a dress store, find something you like in the budget, and then tell the Bride, "Hey, I saw this dress the other day, do you want to go look at it with me?". Then she still gets to see it in person, but you can steer her toward something you already like and can afford. 

If you're trying to find something the pregnant BM can wear, stick with A-line or a high waist dress. 

STARMOON44

At this point I'd let it go. She'll pick something eventually and if she winds up having to just let you pick it yourself, oh well! Don't try and help her along, she knows what she needs from you and will take care of it, or not, herself.

charlotte989875

Thanks @SP29, unfortunately we all live in different states, and not states that are close to one another. I think I'll do what @STARMOON44 suggested and just leave it be if/when she figures it out, great; and if it takes her months then she'll be left with whatever we can get in time.

classyduck

<deleted rant about my annoyance with wedding parties being expected to match.>

Sorry. I already mentioned this in another thread, and I don't want to derail this one! So I thought better of it and removed my comment. Carry on.

I definitely agree with @STARMOON44 though, if she wants to dictate your attire, then leave it up to her. If she waits to long so that this is impossible... oh well. That's on her.

anjemon

On pregnant bridesmaids, I have some experience. My middle sister gave birth about a month and a half before my wedding and my youngest sister gave birth about six months before my wedding.

The four girls actually all went shopping with me and we picked a dress they liked (I was sort of hoping they'd go the non-matching route but everyone agreed so I didn't push it). I think the thing that helped there was it was an empire waist dress, so there was some room for changes. My sister who had just given birth got the size she was then, expecting to need to take it in a few months later when she had lost a bit more baby weight. My sister who was only about 5 months pregnant had actually been pregnant before, so she went a few sizes up to about the size she was for her first pregnancy and ordered at that size. That way they didn't need to worry about losing weight for the wedding. Oh, and we also took breast feeding into account for the dresses, because both my sisters breast fed and they would need to do that a few times during the day. Basically we ended up with strapless empire waist dresses, but that was what they thought would work.

We also used the Best Man's mother as our seamstress, so my sister who had just given birth showed up two days before my wedding and the seamstress altered her dress before the wedding. Harder to do if you don't know the seamstress well, but it made it easier on my sister. She didn't have to worry about body changes making the wedding day uncomfortable.

I don't know if this advice can help your SIL, but I thought I'd pass it on. As far as I know there weren't any issues with the way we did things. Other than my sister showed up to her fitting without any shoes or bra for the dress... but that's more about busy mothers and baby brain. And my seamstress was such a life saver she figured it out.

ETA: Grammar. Apparently I'm bad at it.