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Negative, Controlling Bridesmaid

So, I'm getting married in June. I have been friends with most of my bridesmaids since elementary school, so they all know each other and get along. One of them, my roommate, let's call her A, has been really difficult.
My wedding will have lots of lace and flowers. I'm very set on wanting that sort of vintage boho chic feel. I wanted my maids to have some input, but it's tough for everyone to get together, so there's a group email thread where I presented some options for dresses. I asked for everyone's favorite 1 or 2, everyone's least favorite, and if they wanted to also suggest a new one. My favorite one happens to be the favorite of 4 ladies, including my MOH, as well as my fiance's favorite! Everyone was very polite and friendly about saying which ones they liked and didn't like, and didn't suggest any others because they liked most of them so well. They're all very willing to work with each other and me and all agreed on one without me pushing for it at all.
Then there's A, the only one who didn't like it. She responded after everyone else had basically settled on the one, ripping into every one of the dresses, calling them ugly, throwing out wild assumptions, insulting my taste, and suggesting 2 new dresses in a very rude way. She got very worked up for no apparent reason. She hates lace, and while the favorite was lace, most of the other dresses weren't. In fact, her only complaints about 2 of them where points she said her suggestions were also lacking in, of course in a completely different tone.  I responded in the most polite and gracious way I could, relaying my vision for the wedding and my hope that we can find a dress everyone likes, and her response, while more polite, still had a very snarky and arrogant tone.
Lately she's always awfully rude, takes my stuff, lies to me, and generally is just a mean person. She's likely a sociopath but she acted mostly appropriately maybe 5 months ago, and she doesn't seem to care anymore. I'm always really nice to her, so I don't know what her problem is! I don't know what to do. I don't really want to unask her because she's not moving out of my apartment for another month and I have to see her weekly for a year, but I definitely can't deal with this type of behavior! She doesn't respect me at all. How do I handle this?????

Re: Negative, Controlling Bridesmaid

  • So, I'm getting married in June. I have been friends with most of my bridesmaids since elementary school, so they all know each other and get along. One of them, my roommate, let's call her A, has been really difficult.
    My wedding will have lots of lace and flowers. I'm very set on wanting that sort of vintage boho chic feel. I wanted my maids to have some input, but it's tough for everyone to get together, so there's a group email thread where I presented some options for dresses. I asked for everyone's favorite 1 or 2, everyone's least favorite, and if they wanted to also suggest a new one. My favorite one happens to be the favorite of 4 ladies, including my MOH, as well as my fiance's favorite! Everyone was very polite and friendly about saying which ones they liked and didn't like, and didn't suggest any others because they liked most of them so well. They're all very willing to work with each other and me and all agreed on one without me pushing for it at all.
    Then there's A, the only one who didn't like it. She responded after everyone else had basically settled on the one, ripping into every one of the dresses, calling them ugly, throwing out wild assumptions, insulting my taste, and suggesting 2 new dresses in a very rude way. She got very worked up for no apparent reason. She hates lace, and while the favorite was lace, most of the other dresses weren't. In fact, her only complaints about 2 of them where points she said her suggestions were also lacking in, of course in a completely different tone.  I responded in the most polite and gracious way I could, relaying my vision for the wedding and my hope that we can find a dress everyone likes, and her response, while more polite, still had a very snarky and arrogant tone.
    Lately she's always awfully rude, takes my stuff, lies to me, and generally is just a mean person. She's likely a sociopath but she acted mostly appropriately maybe 5 months ago, and she doesn't seem to care anymore. I'm always really nice to her, so I don't know what her problem is! I don't know what to do. I don't really want to unask her because she's not moving out of my apartment for another month and I have to see her weekly for a year, but I definitely can't deal with this type of behavior! She doesn't respect me at all. How do I handle this?????

    Taking your wedding out of the equation, is her behaviour a complete 360 from how she normally is? If it is, has something happened in the last little while to precipitate this? Maybe you should sit down with her, as a friend, and talk to her. Also, using the word "sociopath" when possibly describing a mental break, is not going to win you points on this forum.
    HeffalumpOliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Did you ask all of your BMs for their budget privately before picking out their dress? Maybe she can't afford it, maybe she thinks it won't flatter her, maybe she just doesn't like it, you already said she hates lace and that's what you picked out.

    Do you guys still talk about life now that you're engaged or has your friendship and shared living space turned into wedding central? And finally, like Trixie asked, is she normally this difficult? Your post doesn't speak very highly of her in any arena so that always makes me wonder.
    image
  • I did ask for budgets and say that if what we pick as a group is outside of anyone's budget, I will pay the difference. We are looking below $100 because I feel uncomfortable asking anyone to pay more than that. She is actually  suggesting things more expensive than what I suggested.
    Also, I have tried having deep conversations with her and she won't discuss things. She moved in with me because she had to get out of a bad situation, and I offered to help her through it. She has always been a little distant and private but even though I've been her closest friend for a long time, she refuses to have too deep of discussions.
    And she is the one who first said she suspects she is a sociopath, and I agree with her that she probably is, not because of some mental break but because of her behavior and feelings since I met her in 4th grade. She just seems to have stopped trying to act like she cares about people's feelings. I have had a mental break and struggled with mental illness so I'm not using it as an insult, believe me.
    I actually very rarely discuss my wedding with her; it's usually college classes, memories from when we were younger or our D&D campaign that is the topic for discussion. This group thread is a rarity.
    The thing is, her behavior isn't out of the norm for her, but these past couple months have been a more severe version of her. Before, she would reign it in way more and mostly act in a socially acceptable manner, but once she moved out of the situation she was in, she stopped trying to behave, I guess.
  • Why did you chose to ask her to be in your WP at all if this is standard behaviour for her?

    My only suggestion to you is to consider telling your bridesmaids that they can pick their own dresses - 'navy blue, knee length, must have sleeves (delete as appropriate)' and let her sort herself out. They'll all be the same colour, just different styles and they can tailor their purchase to individual budget and body type so everyone will likely be happier. Wedding vision aside, it will save you tons of stress here by the sounds of things.
                 
  • glasgowtolondon, you are out of line. I do NOT think she is a sociopath because she has different taste in clothes than I do. That's an absurd thing to say. She herself has said multiple times that she believes she is a sociopath because she simply does not care about social norms, people's feelings, feel close to people, etc.. She frequently lies and feels no guilt whatsoever about it, and does not care about morality whatsoever. She has other signs, too. These are things she herself has said. I only mentioned it because when you consider someone who does not think or feel about social interaction in a usual way, you might need to resolve problems concerning them in a different way, because she doesn't care about other people's feelings at all.
     I mentioned her taking things (Actually taking things of mine and never returning them, and lying when I confront her about it) and her other  behavior to give a picture of what is going on with her. I am concerned about her as a friend far more than for how it will affect my wedding, but she refuses to talk about it, and I can't make her if she doesn't want to. I have taken action to help her as a friend, she is seeing a therapist and getting medication because of me and her boyfriend convincing her of how it will help.
    I am posting about the wedding side of it here because that is what this forum is for! I am trying to handle the friend and roommate side as best as possible, but I came to this forum to get advice on how to deal with a controlling, rude, negative bridesmaid in a situation where she is asserting her opinions as being more important than anyone else's and being really rude not only to me but more importantly to my other maids.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I too don't understand why you are friends with, let alone chose as a bridesmaid, someone who labels herself a "sociopath," chooses not to care about others, and makes that very, very clear to everyone.
    CMGragainglasgowtolondonInLoveInQueensSTARMOON44
  • Go ahead with your wedding plans and stop discussing your wedding with her.  You cannot control her behavior.  If she really hates the dress, she may bow out of your wedding, herself.
    Why on earth did you ask her to be a bridesmaid?  This makes no sense to me.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    glasgowtolondonInLoveInQueens
  • I did ask for budgets and say that if what we pick as a group is outside of anyone's budget, I will pay the difference. We are looking below $100 because I feel uncomfortable asking anyone to pay more than that. She is actually  suggesting things more expensive than what I suggested.
    Also, I have tried having deep conversations with her and she won't discuss things. She moved in with me because she had to get out of a bad situation, and I offered to help her through it. She has always been a little distant and private but even though I've been her closest friend for a long time, she refuses to have too deep of discussions.
    And she is the one who first said she suspects she is a sociopath, and I agree with her that she probably is, not because of some mental break but because of her behavior and feelings since I met her in 4th grade. She just seems to have stopped trying to act like she cares about people's feelings. I have had a mental break and struggled with mental illness so I'm not using it as an insult, believe me.
    I actually very rarely discuss my wedding with her; it's usually college classes, memories from when we were younger or our D&D campaign that is the topic for discussion. This group thread is a rarity.
    The thing is, her behavior isn't out of the norm for her, but these past couple months have been a more severe version of her. Before, she would reign it in way more and mostly act in a socially acceptable manner, but once she moved out of the situation she was in, she stopped trying to behave, I guess.

    Sociopathy can be a symptom of greater mental illness. However, most people who experience it are not that self-aware.

    I'm going to echo the PPs, why are you friends with this person nevermind having them in your wedding party and living with you? Methinks you may have a wee bit of a matyr complex going on (since you seem so comfortable with armchair psychology).
    MyNameIsNotPrettyGirlLost
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you want a bohemian feel, I don't see why the bridesmaids should all wear the same dress to begin with. Seems like it would be more fitting to have a color scheme and all pick their own. Easy solution.
    That's actually a really good point. A bohemian styled event would not have matching dresses. 

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Can we see these dresses?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    HeffalumpJen4948OliveOilsMom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    A lot of these symptoms of sociopathy could also be other mental illnesses, so I think its a crazy leap to get to sociopath.  She could have a deep depression, if she didn't care about herself due to depression, why would be care about anything or anyone else.  She could also be a kleptomaniac, they don't often tell the truth about things they have stolen.  She is under the care of a therapist, why don't you let the professional handle the diagnosis and treatment.

    As for your wedding, make this easy on yourself as a PP said, allow each BM get their own dress in certain parameters.  If I didn't like lace, I'd be pretty miffed at having to buy a lace dress.  But you are also opening up yourself to criticisms by asking for opinions on the dresses.  You could have simply found a dress within the parameters and under budget and said: Here is the dress, please order by x date in y color in order for it to arrive prior to the wedding.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Why are you friends with her? It sounds like you hate her.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Does your friend have a bed wetting issue? Does she also happen to enjoy starting fires?

    Maybe she's not a sociopath but a psychopath. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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