Mom keeps trying to add to the guest list

[Deleted User]

This is mostly a vent, but suggestions would be awesome as well. So my FI and I are keeping our wedding pretty small, mostly because we are paying for it ourselves, and can't afford a huge affair. I am extremely close to my family, including cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. So I am inviting my family and a few close friends. He is not quite as close with his family, and is inviting only immediate family and close friends. He hasn't even seen some of his aunts and uncles in years, which was a part of the reason behind that decision when we realized that we needed to keep things small.

When speaking with each of our immediate families about our desire to keep it small, my mom said she was fine with that at first. His parents were also fine with it, although his grandparents were really upset that we weren't inviting more of his family. They actually made quite a big deal out of it, and it involved multiple conversations with them about how we were not including many people who we are close to, including some of our very good friends who we spend significant amounts of time with. 

His grandparents now seem to be on the same page. However, my mom has gone off the deep end. Every time I speak with her (wedding related or not), she throws in the name of some new person who she wants to invite. I know that she's excited, but she now has decided that she would like to invite a few family friends, her next door neighbors, a current co-worker, and a past co-worker of hers, and every kid in our family (we decided we are not having any kids). Each time she gives me a new name of potential invite, I remind her that we are keeping the guest list small, not inviting some people who are close to us, etc. After the first few times, she started the conversation with, "I know you're keeping the guest list small, but the parents are entitled to invite some people too". So I kept reminding her about FI's family, and how most of them aren't even invited.

Now she's offering to pay for the people who she wants to have there. My problem with this is that we know that FI's family would never to be able to afford to contribute to include people on their side who we are not currently inviting. We in no way expect them to contribute anything - we have had many conversations about not relying on anyone but ourselves for any of this. However, I think that her paying for and inviting so many of her own people will only cause more drama with my FILs than I care to deal with. Trying to explain to his grandparents that we have people that the two of us don't even know at the wedding, but his aunts and uncles weren't invited (with or without talking about who paid for what) is not a conversation that I want to have. So I respectfully declined her money and told her that we are keeping our wedding to what (and who) we can afford on our own. Now she's angry and not speaking to me. 

I'm sure others have had situations arise like this. What did you do?

OliveOilsMom

AisforA said:

This is mostly a vent, but suggestions would be awesome as well. So my FI and I are keeping our wedding pretty small, mostly because we are paying for it ourselves, and can't afford a huge affair. I am extremely close to my family, including cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. So I am inviting my family and a few close friends. He is not quite as close with his family, and is inviting only immediate family and close friends. He hasn't even seen some of his aunts and uncles in years, which was a part of the reason behind that decision when we realized that we needed to keep things small.

When speaking with each of our immediate families about our desire to keep it small, my mom said she was fine with that at first. His parents were also fine with it, although his grandparents were really upset that we weren't inviting more of his family. They actually made quite a big deal out of it, and it involved multiple conversations with them about how we were not including many people who we are close to, including some of our very good friends who we spend significant amounts of time with. 

His grandparents now seem to be on the same page. However, my mom has gone off the deep end. Every time I speak with her (wedding related or not), she throws in the name of some new person who she wants to invite. I know that she's excited, but she now has decided that she would like to invite a few family friends, her next door neighbors, a current co-worker, and a past co-worker of hers, and every kid in our family (we decided we are not having any kids). Each time she gives me a new name of potential invite, I remind her that we are keeping the guest list small, not inviting some people who are close to us, etc. After the first few times, she started the conversation with, "I know you're keeping the guest list small, but the parents are entitled to invite some people too". So I kept reminding her about FI's family, and how most of them aren't even invited.

Now she's offering to pay for the people who she wants to have there. My problem with this is that we know that FI's family would never to be able to afford to contribute to include people on their side who we are not currently inviting. We in no way expect them to contribute anything - we have had many conversations about not relying on anyone but ourselves for any of this. However, I think that her paying for and inviting so many of her own people will only cause more drama with my FILs than I care to deal with. Trying to explain to his grandparents that we have people that the two of us don't even know at the wedding, but his aunts and uncles weren't invited (with or without talking about who paid for what) is not a conversation that I want to have. So I respectfully declined her money and told her that we are keeping our wedding to what (and who) we can afford on our own. Now she's angry and not speaking to me. 

I'm sure others have had situations arise like this. What did you do?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.  Some parents feel their children's wedding is a time for them to show off to others.  It's possible your mom is feeling this same way.

Regardless, you are paying 100% and are entitled to have the small wedding you want.  You have successfully dealt with your FI's grandparents.  So good for you guys!  You just now have to deal with your mom.  And even though your mom initially understood, she is know thinking differently.  You have done good trying to keep your mom at bay, but since she is persisting, you need to step up your response to her.

"Mom, I love you, but the guest list is and has been closed.  I know this is not the wedding you want us to have, but this is the wedding that FI and I want.  There will be no more additions to the guest list.  I'm sorry you do not like that, but this is reality."  If she gets angry, "Mom, I'm sorry you don't like this, but as I've said before.  This decision is final.  I'm hanging up now.  Bye."  Then hang up the phone.  Let your mom know that you will not listen to her temper tantrums.  Or if she wants to throw money at the "problem": "Mom, no amount of money will have us change the guest list.  I'm sorry."

If she still keeps bringing it up. "Mom, we have had this discussion before.  The guest list is final.  Since you keep bringing it up, I will no longer answer you when you bring it up."  Then just ignore your mom until she speaks about something other than the guest list.

drunkenwitch

Time to start drawing sime hard lines in the sand. 1) stop talking to her about the wedding. If she brings it up, change the subject, uf she persists glat out tell her you will no longer tak to her about it 2) enf the discussion everytime she brings up the guest list. Hang up the phone, walk away, get in your car and leave.

You need to start showing her that she can't manipulate, nag or guilt you into having her way.

[Deleted User]

OliveOilsMom said:

show previous quotes

AisforA said:

This is mostly a vent, but suggestions would be awesome as well. So my FI and I are keeping our wedding pretty small, mostly because we are paying for it ourselves, and can't afford a huge affair. I am extremely close to my family, including cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. So I am inviting my family and a few close friends. He is not quite as close with his family, and is inviting only immediate family and close friends. He hasn't even seen some of his aunts and uncles in years, which was a part of the reason behind that decision when we realized that we needed to keep things small.

When speaking with each of our immediate families about our desire to keep it small, my mom said she was fine with that at first. His parents were also fine with it, although his grandparents were really upset that we weren't inviting more of his family. They actually made quite a big deal out of it, and it involved multiple conversations with them about how we were not including many people who we are close to, including some of our very good friends who we spend significant amounts of time with. 

His grandparents now seem to be on the same page. However, my mom has gone off the deep end. Every time I speak with her (wedding related or not), she throws in the name of some new person who she wants to invite. I know that she's excited, but she now has decided that she would like to invite a few family friends, her next door neighbors, a current co-worker, and a past co-worker of hers, and every kid in our family (we decided we are not having any kids). Each time she gives me a new name of potential invite, I remind her that we are keeping the guest list small, not inviting some people who are close to us, etc. After the first few times, she started the conversation with, "I know you're keeping the guest list small, but the parents are entitled to invite some people too". So I kept reminding her about FI's family, and how most of them aren't even invited.

Now she's offering to pay for the people who she wants to have there. My problem with this is that we know that FI's family would never to be able to afford to contribute to include people on their side who we are not currently inviting. We in no way expect them to contribute anything - we have had many conversations about not relying on anyone but ourselves for any of this. However, I think that her paying for and inviting so many of her own people will only cause more drama with my FILs than I care to deal with. Trying to explain to his grandparents that we have people that the two of us don't even know at the wedding, but his aunts and uncles weren't invited (with or without talking about who paid for what) is not a conversation that I want to have. So I respectfully declined her money and told her that we are keeping our wedding to what (and who) we can afford on our own. Now she's angry and not speaking to me. 

I'm sure others have had situations arise like this. What did you do?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.  Some parents feel their children's wedding is a time for them to show off to others.  It's possible your mom is feeling this same way.

Regardless, you are paying 100% and are entitled to have the small wedding you want.  You have successfully dealt with your FI's grandparents.  So good for you guys!  You just now have to deal with your mom.  And even though your mom initially understood, she is know thinking differently.  You have done good trying to keep your mom at bay, but since she is persisting, you need to step up your response to her.

"Mom, I love you, but the guest list is and has been closed.  I know this is not the wedding you want us to have, but this is the wedding that FI and I want.  There will be no more additions to the guest list.  I'm sorry you do not like that, but this is reality."  If she gets angry, "Mom, I'm sorry you don't like this, but as I've said before.  This decision is final.  I'm hanging up now.  Bye."  Then hang up the phone.  Let your mom know that you will not listen to her temper tantrums.  Or if she wants to throw money at the "problem": "Mom, no amount of money will have us change the guest list.  I'm sorry."

If she still keeps bringing it up. "Mom, we have had this discussion before.  The guest list is final.  Since you keep bringing it up, I will no longer answer you when you bring it up."  Then just ignore your mom until she speaks about something other than the guest list.

Thank you both for your responses! I think that the bolded is what's going on here. She also actually said to me when we started our planning, "I know that you are going to do a small thing, but maybe I'll hold a party with my friends afterwards so that they can give you presents". I was horrified. HORRIFIED! And I immediately put that idea to rest, and let her know how rude that would be. She had no idea that it was in poor taste to do that.

I know that it's not all coming from a bad place though. She is genuinely really excited. I think that's why I had some trouble, and am still having some trouble, standing up to her about it.

MobKaz

I agree 100% with @OliveOilsMom.  It isn't just about covering the cost of additional guests, either.  Additional guests will require additional tables, which will require additional centerpieces, which will beget lots of other little somethings that will add up quickly.

Don't look at it as standing up to your mother.  Look at it as standing up for yourself.

AddieCake

Does she know she will also have to pay for the extra centerpieces, favors, or any other additional costs that might come with these extra people? Often, when people offer to pay extra for people, they are only thinking cost of a meal and change their tune when they see what the ACTUAL cost of additional people is. 

tigerlily6

I also have struggled with my mother trying to add onto the guest list. She and my dad are paying, though, so I have tried to respect her wishes as much as I can. Originally she was upset by number of guests on my rough draft list (150), so I had to compromise with her, cut a number of my friends, and bring it down to around 100. Since then, it turns out a side of my family will be split and a number won't be able to attend the wedding, since my cousin who got engaged after us also unknowingly booked their wedding on the same day. My mom has decided to make up for this, I think, by having us invite a lot of my family's friends. It has been frustrating since I feel like I had to cut some of my friends from the list originally, but now we are adding hers. The number is back up to 135 now. I think I'm going to reserve 10 more seats for 5 more of FI's and my friends (and plus ones), and then cap it there. 

Jen4948

I would tell your mother, "Mom, I appreciate that you're excited about the wedding, but I need you to understand that the guest list is closed.  We are only inviting those persons who are already on it, and only those persons can be invited to anything wedding-related.  Nor are we accepting funding to invite more guests. This is non-negotiable." 

holyguacamole79

My mom got like this, too. Keep on repeating that the guest list is closed, and avoid wedding talk with her. Hang in there!

charlotte989875

Are you my long lost sister? Because my mom did the same thing (even after STDs and then again invites went out). Do what PPs have said, draw a line in the sand and stick to it.

For what it's worth this was really hard for me at first, but the more I drew boundaries with her the easier it got. H was really helpful in letting me talk out exactly what I would say or how I would respond to emails. And really hearing from people on these boards say again and again that "no" is a complete sentence and not a bad word helped me to be more clear about what was and wasn't happening with the wedding. Just be calm and clear with her and you may have to repeat yourself many times, but in the long run I promise you'll be happy you did.