Moms and Maids

MOH and Mother of Bride / Clashing Visions!

I am a first time Maid of Honor in my best friends' wedding. I am getting started on planning the bridal shower and bachelorette. There are no other bridesmaids in the wedding- it's just myself as MOH and the mother of the bride. When I spoke to my friend about her "wish list" for these two celebrations she was pretty laid back about it - she had a few ideas but it seemed like she was open to my suggestions, and I had plenty to give (I am someone who LOVES planning and organizing!). She then informed me that her mom wanted to be involved with the planning of the shower and bachelorette, and also would be attending not just the shower, but the bachelorette as well. Of course, I had to say it was 100% fine - but I had some initial doubts.

Her mom and I had an initial conversation about the planning of the two events and I could immediately tell that we had very different ideas about where these events might take place, and probably what they would look like.  I envisioned something really pretty and modern for the shower (maybe a pretty picnic with yummy food, champagne and cute DIY decorations) while her mom suggested we throw a surprise shower in a rented out room in the apartment complex where she lives, and order trays of pre-made food like baked ziti - which immediately did not sound very pretty or special to me. For the bachelorette I envisioned a relaxing weekend upstate by a lake (it's a summer wedding), and then her mom suggested Atlantic City- which to me screams more tacky than classy. Of course we have to keep budget in mind - which seemed to be her mom's biggest sticking point - but I can't seem to get down with the ideas she's put forth so far. That said, I kept a poker face when we had our initial conversation and didn't want to step on toes, so to be nice I just told her that her ideas sounded fine to me! ACK! I am so not sure what to do!

Any advice on how to approach her mom and explain that I wanted to do something more imaginative / different? Should I try to press the bride for a better idea of which type of shower she would prefer? Or should I let the mom guide the way on the bridal shower and then give my two cents more for the bachelorette? Don't want to put my opinions first - more the opinion of the bride - but also don't want to settle for the ideas her mom suggested either.

HELP!

Re: MOH and Mother of Bride / Clashing Visions!

  • Would you be okay with just having one or the other meet your vision?  If so, the next time you talk to MOB, I would give positive feedback for her vision of the shower, then for the bachelorette say something along the lines of, "You know how we were originally thinking of Atlantic City; with everything going on, I'm wondering if the bride would prefer a more quiet weekend, perhaps by the lake.  Thoughts?"

    It all depends on how you think MOB will react, if it will be within budget, and if you think that is what the bride will want the most.  
    short+sassy
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am a first time Maid of Honor in my best friends' wedding. I am getting started on planning the bridal shower and bachelorette. There are no other bridesmaids in the wedding- it's just myself as MOH and the mother of the bride. When I spoke to my friend about her "wish list" for these two celebrations she was pretty laid back about it - she had a few ideas but it seemed like she was open to my suggestions, and I had plenty to give (I am someone who LOVES planning and organizing!). She then informed me that her mom wanted to be involved with the planning of the shower and bachelorette, and also would be attending not just the shower, but the bachelorette as well. Of course, I had to say it was 100% fine - but I had some initial doubts.

    Her mom and I had an initial conversation about the planning of the two events and I could immediately tell that we had very different ideas about where these events might take place, and probably what they would look like.  I envisioned something really pretty and modern for the shower (maybe a pretty picnic with yummy food, champagne and cute DIY decorations) while her mom suggested we throw a surprise shower in a rented out room in the apartment complex where she lives, and order trays of pre-made food like baked ziti - which immediately did not sound very pretty or special to me. For the bachelorette I envisioned a relaxing weekend upstate by a lake (it's a summer wedding), and then her mom suggested Atlantic City- which to me screams more tacky than classy. Of course we have to keep budget in mind - which seemed to be her mom's biggest sticking point - but I can't seem to get down with the ideas she's put forth so far. That said, I kept a poker face when we had our initial conversation and didn't want to step on toes, so to be nice I just told her that her ideas sounded fine to me! ACK! I am so not sure what to do!

    Any advice on how to approach her mom and explain that I wanted to do something more imaginative / different? Should I try to press the bride for a better idea of which type of shower she would prefer? Or should I let the mom guide the way on the bridal shower and then give my two cents more for the bachelorette? Don't want to put my opinions first - more the opinion of the bride - but also don't want to settle for the ideas her mom suggested either.

    HELP!


    First, I've been to a few bachelorette parties in Atlantic City and they were not tacky!  It's all in what you plan.  We had dinner at one of the fancy restaurants and then saw a show, danced at a club, and went home.  The other we hung out at the beach bar all day and stayed overnight.  AC is not like that episode of Sex & the City made it out to be.  The Borgata is amazing and Harrahs has that great indoor pool that turns into a night club.

    Next, you can have a picnic themed shower at the apartment complex community room.  I attended an engagement party at that type of place and the décor was done in such away that the theme of the party was on display - the physical location didn't matter.  So take your picnic idea (would you all be sitting on the ground???? idg this idea of yours - sorry) and morph it into the community room.  Get some checked table cloths, wild flower centerpieces, etc to bring the picnic idea to life.  Instead of ziti trays, maybe have sandwich trays, pasta and potato salads, cupcakes instead of cake, etc.

    I would ask the bride her opinion on AC vs the lake idea.  Don't say whose idea is whose.  Just say "Bride, there are two different ideas being floated around for your b-party.  One is for an overnight in AC and the other is for an overnight by a lake.  Which do you think you'd prefer?"  Then let the bride make the final choice.  Also, if MOB is hung up on costs, try pricing out both ideas.  If we go to AC its x PP, but if we do the lake its y.  Also, try getting an invite list for the b-party and let them all know what the preliminary plans are and ask for each person's budget.  So you can know what to plan within everyone's budget.  For the AC b-party I mentioned above, us BMs paid for a room together with the bride.  Some friends came, but only stayed for the day and went home.  But we all only lived about an hour from AC, so that was doable.

    The bride has asked that you work with her mom for both events.  So do that to the best you can.  If the MOB is helping to pay, then that money entitles her to a say in the event.  So work with her to get both of your ideas accomplished.

    nerdwifeSP29short+sassy
  • This was very helpful! Really appreciate the feedback. Never opposed to any ideas - can always make something work - like you said bringing the picnic inside, etc. I'll definitely approach my friend with the various ideas and see what she would prefer - then assess costs as well. Thanks again :smile: 
  • Does the bride want her mom included in her bachelorette planning? To each their own, but I'd be kinda irked if my mom butted into mine.

    In your situation, I'd probably try to leave the shower to her mom (help, but let her have her vision), and take over the bachelorette.

    But again, it depends on the kind of relationship they have.
    charlotte989875STARMOON44Knottie1445287763
  • Is your friend the type to WANT a surprise shower? Brides aren't supposed to be involved in the planning of these pre-parties but IMO it's okay for them to be blunt about that aspect. Is your friend the type to tell her Mom I'll be over at 12 and actually show up in sweats, dirty hair and starbucks at 12:45?


    VicTim328STARMOON44Knottie1445287763
  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2016
    lnixon8 said:
    Is your friend the type to WANT a surprise shower? Brides aren't supposed to be involved in the planning of these pre-parties but IMO it's okay for them to be blunt about that aspect. Is your friend the type to tell her Mom I'll be over at 12 and actually show up in sweats, dirty hair and starbucks at 12:45?
    Unless it's something you think your friend would like I'd talk the mom out of it being a surprise. My mom and FMIL threw me a surprise shower and I just think it's a bad idea for exactly the reason lnixon8 mentions. If I'm just told to show up for lunch somewhere well I'll brush my hair and maybe put on makeup depending on who is telling me but I wanted to look cute for my shower. Also for me since I had no input on the guest list (not knowing about it and all) my mom chose to invite my aunt who was not invited to the wedding hoping it'd make me change my mind. 

    If it were me in your shoes I'd try to see if maybe you and her mom can each pick one of the events to be the main planner on and the other person just help out some. So maybe her mom gets to do the shower how she plans and you throw the bachelorette like you want. Then you both help out where needed on the other event and maybe throw a little bit of your plan in with it. So for the apartment shower you can still do the DIY decorations and for the bachelorette maybe the mom can bring a fun casino related game (DH and I have a drinking roulette game that'd probably be fun). 


    Edited to add that I was very grateful to my mother and MIL for hosting a shower for me and it was lovely so I hope I didn't come off as whiny, I just don't recommend a surprise shower because it can make things awkward for people especially if they don't like surprises that much. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    short+sassyKnottie1445287763
  • 1) Who is paying for the shower? I'd try to meet in the middle for the "vision," but would ultimately let whoever is paying get the final say.
    2) Would the bride be okay with a surprise shower? Some people are okay with it, but most people I know wouldn't be.
    3) Is there anyone else helping plan the bach? I'm assuming more people are attending, and you could get a better idea of practicality based on budgets.
    4) Also second asking what type of bach the bride would prefer.  More along the lines of "would you prefer a relaxing getaway or something very exciting?"
    Knottie1445287763
  • VicTim328 said:
    1) Who is paying for the shower? I'd try to meet in the middle for the "vision," but would ultimately let whoever is paying get the final say.
    2) Would the bride be okay with a surprise shower? Some people are okay with it, but most people I know wouldn't be.
    3) Is there anyone else helping plan the bach? I'm assuming more people are attending, and you could get a better idea of practicality based on budgets.
    4) Also second asking what type of bach the bride would prefer.  More along the lines of "would you prefer a relaxing getaway or something very exciting?"
    Ditto this question, but who is paying for the bachelorette too?  Any suggestions or recommendations completely depend on the answer to this!
    Knottie1445287763
  • Thanks so much to everyone who gave their input.

    I think it's probably best to go with the suggestion that I let her mom focus on planning the bridal shower- of course with my help- and I'll focus on the bachelorette.

    We would be splitting the costs, so of course we do have to meet in the middle in terms of the idea and the budget.

    That said, her moms new idea for the bridal shower was to have it at a dive-y karaoke bar here in NYC on the Lower East Side - which I also am not so enthused about - but I also really don't want to step on her toes if she thinks it's a good idea, so think this should potentially be more the event that she plans!

    Thanks everyone!
  • I just posted a reply to your other post regarding the karaoke bar. It may be better to keep future posts that are similar in one thread. Responses will be together and then people won't feel like they are double commenting. Good luck with the planning!
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