Moms and Maids

Underexcited mom

My mom is so hot and cold with all things wedding related. It hurts me.

- She chose not to come to the party where FI proposed (She didn't know his plans so I'll give her that, but she never comes to anything)
- She has yet to ask to see my ring.
- Getting her to come dress shopping with me was like getting blood from a stone.
- She and my sister had committed to making the wedding favours, but they keep clawing back on the details.
- Despite the fact that I haven't asked for any money, she has an opinion on the cost everything (FI and I are paying for everything ourselves)

I have told her that her behaviour is hurtful, and all she did was go into defense mode and plead chronic disease (Mom has MS, but is by no means disabled). Right after that conversations, she went right back to being ambivalent/disinterested.

Any advice on how to get her a bit more excited? I mean I'm likely the only one of her two daughters that will get married (Long story about my sister...) and I was hoping for some more excitement.

Re: Underexcited mom

  • You're probably just going to have to accept that she's not going to be as excited as you want her to be about the wedding.

    Dress shopping - I did without my mom since she hates clothes shopping. She came with me to pick up the dress because I knew she would nitpick it (meaning I wouldn't walk out with a damaged dress) and because she wouldn't take any bs from the sales/alteration team. Her comment on my dress? "It's pretty." That's just how she is. 

    Favors, centerpieces, etc - She doesn't really care. I drug her along to pick out tablecloths because I knew she would be the one to say "No, that's ugly" if it was. She has no problem shooting down stuff she doesn't like and pointing out when stuff doesn't go together. 

    About the only thing my mom was excited about was the tasting at the caterer and the upcoming tasting for the baker. She's not the type to get excited about weddings or girly stuff, but that's just who she is. I've learned to accept that and use her bluntness to my advantage during this process. She also comments on how much we're spending (FI and I are paying) but I find that helps me sit back and reevaluate if I really need to spend that money or not. 

    Bottom line is no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are, despite what the wedding industry wants you to believe.
    SP29OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]short+sassy
  • My mom is so hot and cold with all things wedding related. It hurts me.

    - She chose not to come to the party where FI proposed (She didn't know his plans so I'll give her that, but she never comes to anything)
    - She has yet to ask to see my ring.
    - Getting her to come dress shopping with me was like getting blood from a stone.
    - She and my sister had committed to making the wedding favours, but they keep clawing back on the details.
    - Despite the fact that I haven't asked for any money, she has an opinion on the cost everything (FI and I are paying for everything ourselves)

    I have told her that her behaviour is hurtful, and all she did was go into defense mode and plead chronic disease (Mom has MS, but is by no means disabled). Right after that conversations, she went right back to being ambivalent/disinterested.

    Any advice on how to get her a bit more excited? I mean I'm likely the only one of her two daughters that will get married (Long story about my sister...) and I was hoping for some more excitement.
    Is your mum normally like this? I only ask because you mention that she 'never comes to anything', so that makes me think that this is how she usually behaves. If so, your wedding in unlikely to change her behaviour. This is crappy for you, but like @indigo26 rightly says very few people will be as into your wedding as you and your FI are. Normally I might assume that someones mother falls into the excited category, but not everyone is the same. Focus on you and your FI, and plan your wedding together. At the end of the day, so long as you both leave your wedding married then it has been successful. 

    Also, re: your sister. I have no idea what that little comment up there means but tbh, whether someone gets married or no has no bearing on anything. At all.
                 
    OliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If the only attitudes she's going to display are either indifferent or hostile, I'd settle for indifference and not try to get her to show positive interest in your wedding.

    Yes, it's hurtful and it sucks.  But sometimes, with some mothers, that's the best you can hope for.  Rather than spending time and energy trying to make your mother happy, I'd focus on what (aside from this) will make you and your FI happy at your wedding (provided everyone is properly hosted).
  • My mom can get excited about other people's weddings it seems no problem (people who she has befriended online or other wise and has never even met...)

    @glasgowtolondon I did not way that whether some gets married or not has any bearing on anything, I simply stated that it is very highly unlikely that my sister will ever get married, ergo I will be the only daughter of my mother's to get married.
  • Stop talking to your mother about what your wedding costs. If she is not paying for any of it, it's none of her business, and discussing it with her is completely unproductive. 

    As for her not being excited about your wedding, it's unfortunate, but there's really nothing you can do about it. You can't control other people's feelings. If your mom isn't social and doesn't get enthusiastic about things, your wedding isn't necessarily going to change that. Just enjoy planning your wedding with your FI and stop worrying whether other people are excited about it. As long as you two are excited about it, that's what matters most. 
    image
    InLoveInQueens
  • My mom can get excited about other people's weddings it seems no problem (people who she has befriended online or other wise and has never even met...)

    @glasgowtolondon I did not way that whether some gets married or not has any bearing on anything, I simply stated that it is very highly unlikely that my sister will ever get married, ergo I will be the only daughter of my mother's to get married.
    Being the only daughter to get married doesn't always mean Momma is going to be excited. Between my mom and my stepdad they have 7 boys and me. Only girl on both sides. My mom still isn't super excited or giddy about my wedding. Its just who she is. If your mom is the type to not come to things or the type to be either indifferent or negative towards family events, hate to say it but your wedding isn't going to change her. It sucks that she can get excited about other people's events and not yours, but sometimes that's how life is. Ditto what PPs said - focus on what makes you and your FI happy (as long as everyone is hosted properly) and stop expecting what your mother is not willing or able to give you. 
    tigerlily6Lala9414OliveOilsMom
  • My mom can get excited about other people's weddings it seems no problem (people who she has befriended online or other wise and has never even met...)

    @glasgowtolondon I did not way that whether some gets married or not has any bearing on anything, I simply stated that it is very highly unlikely that my sister will ever get married, ergo I will be the only daughter of my mother's to get married.
    Well, you didn't just state it, there was a little 'its a long story....' aside. So you're the only daughter likely to get married (in your opinion), doesn't mean you can make your mum decide to be excited for you. I feel for you, truly I do - everyone wants those closest to us to be excited for us. But you need to focus on the important part of the day - becoming a legally married couple. Maybe your mum will come around, maybe she won't. I hope you find some piece of mind with this. 
                 
    SP29
  • Since our engagement, I have been focusing on us. Focusing on our happiness. It just sill hurts sometimes. 
  • My mom sounds very similar. She has gotten excited and would chat with me ad nauseum about my friends' or my brothers' friends' weddings. But me? Nope. And I am the only daughter in the family, and the first child to get married. I hate bringing anything wedding related up to her (even practical stuff, like asking for relatives' addresses... or god forbid, not having a gap) because she gets stressed out and tells me I am spending too much energy on wedding planning and that I can't make everybody happy.

    I did not take her dress shopping with me, (1) because she lives 4 hours away, and (2) it would probably have exasperated both of us. Was it a bit weird being all alone to buy my dress? Yeah. But it is what it is. 

    I love my mom dearly, but it is clear that talking about my wedding with her stresses her out. I know she is actaully excited about my wedding, because my brothers tell me she talks about it to them. But she gets anxious and snarky whenever I try to gush a bit about wedding planning with her. Solution? I don't bring up my wedding unless my mom specifically asks about it, and instead talk about it to some of my friends who enjoy chatting about all the girly details of wedding planning. 

    Just because a mom isn't a kindred spirit with her daughter, doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't love you. Try not to take it too personally, be thankful she is not hostile about your wedding (as some parents are -- you can find several posts about such tragic situations here), don't bring up money or plan for her to be too involved, and find some friends who will support your need gush a bit. 

                        


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    kayteekay85
  • @tigerlily6 thank you. Our moms sure do sound alike. 
    tigerlily6
  • My mom is so hot and cold with all things wedding related. It hurts me.

    - She chose not to come to the party where FI proposed (She didn't know his plans so I'll give her that, but she never comes to anything)
    - She has yet to ask to see my ring.
    - Getting her to come dress shopping with me was like getting blood from a stone.
    - She and my sister had committed to making the wedding favours, but they keep clawing back on the details.
    - Despite the fact that I haven't asked for any money, she has an opinion on the cost everything (FI and I are paying for everything ourselves)

    I have told her that her behaviour is hurtful, and all she did was go into defense mode and plead chronic disease (Mom has MS, but is by no means disabled). Right after that conversations, she went right back to being ambivalent/disinterested.

    Any advice on how to get her a bit more excited? I mean I'm likely the only one of her two daughters that will get married (Long story about my sister...) and I was hoping for some more excitement.
    Hell, I could be your mother.  I don't go to things.  I don't ask to see rings.  I super hate shopping, especially for clothes, if I had committed to do your favors, I would, but that's not something I would ever commit to.  I care about money, but I wouldn't care what someone else was spending on something.  But, actually, now that I'm thinking about it, money is what pissed me off about my sister's wedding planning.  I suggested she take into account what it might cost her VIPs to attend her DW, and she bitched me out about not being able to "take into account the financial situations of 150 potential invitees."  So I stopped talking wedding with her.

    It's not her wedding.  She's not going to care as much as you care.  You can't change her feelings, you can only change your reaction to her.
  • This is only in response to the part about your mom having MS- as a person living with that horrible illness please just remember that so many things your mom experiences (both mental and physical) are invisible.  She may not be disabled and she may not complain (I don't because, really, what good does it do?) but sometimes it's all you can do to manage to get through the day.  No one would consider me disabled either- I work full time, etc.  but dang!  Life is hard with this disease.
    tigerlily6ThxSugarSP29charlotte989875
  • @FMIL12 I know that 90% of what my mom experiences is invisible. I understand, I really do. I know that sometimes she has to literally make the choice between spending energy on a shower or doing laundry. It's when she can make time and/or spend energy on others above her daughter that my feelings get a bit hurt.

    It's hard for her, but it's also hard for me. I'm very thankful right now for my FMIL who is STOKED to help me in any way she can (She had three boys so didn't get to do this stuff with my FI's older brother). I'm going to focus on that.
  • @FMIL12 I know that 90% of what my mom experiences is invisible. I understand, I really do. I know that sometimes she has to literally make the choice between spending energy on a shower or doing laundry. It's when she can make time and/or spend energy on others above her daughter that my feelings get a bit hurt.

    It's hard for her, but it's also hard for me. I'm very thankful right now for my FMIL who is STOKED to help me in any way she can (She had three boys so didn't get to do this stuff with my FI's older brother). I'm going to focus on that.
    @kayteekay85 I totally get your hurt feelings. My dad has MS and has had it for over 16 years. Your situation with your mom reminds me of a recent situation with my dad. He is an architect, and his MS greatly impacts his motor skills and mobility. When H and I were in the throes of purchasing our first home this past fall, H wanted my dad to be at the inspection & provide his professional insight. Not only did my dad flat out refuse to go, he offered a super lame excuse in a terse manner. H and I were both hurt. 

    It wasn't until I talked to my mom a little while after that she explained that my dad wanted to participate in the inspection, but was embarrassed of any potential MS-related issues that would surely arise (not being able to get down stairs, or into a crawl space, etc.)

    Perhaps talk to your mom in a non-wedding related setting. It's possible she may be dealing with emotional stress due to this devastating disease and is not wanting to partake in activities that she otherwise might want to.

    And HUGS for you. I know it's hard seeing your parent age rapidly before they are supposed to because of MS.  
    kayteekay85
  • I totally agree with @sparklepants41. My mom has RA, which I think contributes significantly to her stress about planning events -- even if she is excited, she might also be apprehensive about getting over-tired or having to be moving around a lot trying to coordinate things (which I completely don't expect or want her to do, but she may feel she needs to as one of the hosting parents). Reinforce to your mom that just because she is your mom doesn't mean she is not a guest, and a very honored one at that.
                        


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