Age Gaps

tigerlily6

Wondering what opinons are about big age gaps between partners. 

FI and I are only a few years apart, which isn't very uncommon. I know several couples who are around a decade apart, but this doesn't seem that strange to me so long as both couples were independent, consenting adults who didn't seem to have great power disparity between one another. 

However, a girl I used to babysit got married recently straight out of high school to a man who is about 60 years old (and who had mentored her in extra curricular activities). I personally feel like this is kinda creepy and seriously question if they have a fair, non-manipulative relationship -- it seems like he could easily be taking advantage of her. She has posted a lot on FB about how hurt she is that friends and family don't accept her marriage (her parents, siblings, and many friends have expressed their disapproval, and won't allow her husband over to their homes), however, and so I'm not sure what to think.

Anyway, this has led me to ponder the phenomenon of such big age gaps between partners a bit recently, and curious what Knotties' thoughts are. 

ETA: Spelling

Jells2dot0

H and I are 17 years apart. We met at work when I was 26. Even though I was still pretty young, we were in the same place in life- same type of job, same benefits, neither one of us wanting kids (in his case, more kids). We have a lot in common as far as interests, so that certainly helps as well.

I asked my mom if it bothered her and she said it would have bothered her if I was still in school. But, since I was out of school, working, already been married and divorced, and had a good head on my shoulders in terms of overall life goals, she was accepting of my choice. Both of my parents got used to it very quickly. We've been together for almost 10 years now (3 of those married) and never been more sure about this marriage and relationship.

I will say that retirement planning has been somewhat difficult, but in a way, it's actually a little easier financially. H can retire early, find something fun and less stressful, and use my income and benefits to maintain our lifestyle.

randomslove

Well, I'm going to tell a little more about myself than I have before.

My FI and IK are four and a half months apart. I'm older. My birthday is coming up and his is this summer. He is the first person I;ve ever been with who is younger (granted, by very little). My first "boyfriend" (we dated a month and I wanted to break up with him after a week; I was 16) was a year older.

When I was 18, I went on a date with an older guy and was assaulted. A week later, another guy convinced me to go out with him. I stayed with him for four years. He was 23 years older than I was, and only dated younger women (despite constantly blaming my age for every issue we had, insisting older women were better). He was cruel and manipulative, and I had to work for years to build myself up after that relationship.

I decided after that it was important for my partner and I to be at the same "place" in our lives. While I didn't need to date someone exactly my age, I wanted to date someone closer-- no older than my oldest brother (who is seven years older than I am), or younger than my little sister (two years younger and barely legal at the time).

I've seen strong, excellent relationships with wider gaps, but I knew myself well enough to know the abusive relationship I was in would make dating someone older hard for me.

My FI's father is somewhere around twelve years older than his mother, and though they weren't together very long, they have a strong friendship to this day. I think their ages were not the issue.

To make all of this relevant to your post, OP, I wouldn't necessarily say every relationship with a huge age gap is abusive/manipulative/weird/doomed. It can cause added stress or be an indication something isn't right, but sometimes the strangest couples work well.

STARMOON44

I think that relationship is obviously creepy and inappropriate. I have no issues with age gaps between adults, but she was a child when their relationship started and that's wrong. And he should have known that. At the very least, if their relationship isn't creepy and inappropriate, why married right after she graduates? Why not wait a few years and try interacting as adults. 

lyndausvi

DH is 2 years younger than me.   The biggest gap I had was 16 years.  After I turned 22,  most guys I dated were a good 8+ years older than me.

themosthappy91

My parents are a little more than 20 years apart- they got married when my dad was 44 and my mom was 24, had me four years later. She had taken one of his classes in college (he's a professor) but they didn't start dating until several years later.

I have a lot of feelings about this subject because I've had an up-close perspective on how it plays out. On the one hand, 25 years later they are still married and relatively happy. On the other hand, their experience has influenced me enough to know that much of a gap would be a deal-breaker for me personally.

It worked really well for them for the first 15-20 years of marriage- my mom was mature for her age and wanted to settle down right away, and my dad had the financial means for them to get settled and provide me and my brother with a really comfortable childhood right off the bat. He was able to be around a ton for our childhoods because he was already so established in his career.

Once my brother and I got into high school though, they went through a rough patch. Although she had known rationally he was going to get old a lot sooner than her, facing the reality of that was hard for my mom. She was in her late 40's and still interested in going out, making new friends etc.... and he was nearly 70 and ready to just kind of live a quiet life at home. They had accounted for the "medical" side of him being older than her- health issues, him dying first etc.- but not the energy side of things... and honestly I don't think they'll ever be at the same place in that respect again.

Okay I know this is already super long but like I said, I have a lot of feelings so just want to add that it was hard on me as a child and continues to be hard on me as a young adult to have a much older dad. I was kind of a morbid kid so I don't remember a time I wasn't aware I would be losing my dad a lot sooner than any of my friends would. I'm sad that my kids will presumably have way less time with my dad than any of their other grandparents and I do feel some (completely internal) pressure to accomplish more sooner on all fronts (marriage, career, kids, financial stability) so my dad will be here to see it. There were significant perks to having an older dad, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a burden in some ways.

Jells2dot0

themosthappy91 said:

My parents are a little more than 20 years apart- they got married when my dad was 44 and my mom was 24, had me four years later. She had taken one of his classes in college (he's a professor) but they didn't start dating until several years later.

I have a lot of feelings about this subject because I've had an up-close perspective on how it plays out. On the one hand, 25 years later they are still married and relatively happy. On the other hand, their experience has influenced me enough to know that much of a gap would be a deal-breaker for me personally.

It worked really well for them for the first 15-20 years of marriage- my mom was mature for her age and wanted to settle down right away, and my dad had the financial means for them to get settled and provide me and my brother with a really comfortable childhood right off the bat. He was able to be around a ton for our childhoods because he was already so established in his career.

Once my brother and I got into high school though, they went through a rough patch. Although she had known rationally he was going to get old a lot sooner than her, facing the reality of that was hard for my mom. She was in her late 40's and still interested in going out, making new friends etc.... and he was nearly 70 and ready to just kind of live a quiet life at home. They had accounted for the "medical" side of him being older than her- health issues, him dying first etc.- but not the energy side of things... and honestly I don't think they'll ever be at the same place in that respect again.

Okay I know this is already super long but like I said, I have a lot of feelings so just want to add that it was hard on me as a child and continues to be hard on me as a young adult to have a much older dad. I was kind of a morbid kid so I don't remember a time I wasn't aware I would be losing my dad a lot sooner than any of my friends would. I'm sad that my kids will presumably have way less time with my dad than any of their other grandparents and I do feel some (completely internal) pressure to accomplish more sooner on all fronts (marriage, career, kids, financial stability) so my dad will be here to see it. There were significant perks to having an older dad, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a burden in some ways.

I thought a lot about the bolded with my marriage. It concerned me, especially since we don't have any kids and I'd be on my own. But, then I got cancer. And now, we worry about my health and stamina more so than his. I have always been "slower" than him in some ways- he runs half marathons, likes to go to concerts, and meet up with friends. I'm more interested in using my free time to sleep in and relax at home. I'd say we're now we're more balanced out.

Another plus is that I have never wanted kids and come next week, I'll no longer be able to have them (have to have surgery). Well, the cancer didn't exactly help with the matter, either. I, personally, do not like the idea of having kids when my H is so much older. I didn't think it was very fair to him or the hypothetical kids. So, thankfully, it was a conversation we never had to have.

tigerlily6

@randomslove , I am sorry to hear you had to go through a difficult and abusive situation like that. I am glad to hear you are in a safe and happy relationship now, though. I understand and agree with your point that not all age gaps = abuse or manipulation. One of my good friend's widowed grandpa is nearly 90 and his girlfriend is in her 60s. While this is a big age gap, it doesn't seem to bother me since it is pretty clear that both parties have been around the block a few times and have had plenty of time to develop their own sense of selves. Same with @Jells2dot0 situation, where she was in her mid twenties -- she had had the chance to live life a bit on her own, and was able to discerningly start a relationship with somebody. 

But I agree with @STARMOON44 that when a gap is so big that one partner has just become an adult who is still fairly naive, it sends some red flags (in the case of my story above, there is no confirmation whether anything romantic began before she graduated or not -- she claims no, but some of her fellow classmates have argued that he definitely acted like he was "grooming" her with some flattery and special treatment beforehand). 

I don't want to be non-supportive and judgmental, but I also don't want to see her in an abusive situation. I have refused to cut off contact with her and gave her my phone number, and have encouraged her to call me if she ever needs anything. She hasn't said anything regarding her marriage, but she has communicated a bit here and there with me about her struggles being torn to choose between him and her family. She has also expressed a sense of despair and isolation after a few miscarriages in the past year, and I worry about her. I'm not sure the age gap is actually the real problem here, but it certainly doesn't help me feel better about it. 

tigerlily6

@themosthappy91, thank you for sharing your story. I had not thought of how a big age gap marriage could affect children of the couple. It was interesting to hear your perspective on that, and I am sorry that you feel the pressure of time as a result of your dad being so much older. Glad to hear that it sounds like your parents have figured things out despite some tough times, though. 

themosthappy91

Jells2dot0 said:

Once my brother and I got into high school though, they went through a rough patch. Although she had known rationally he was going to get old a lot sooner than her, facing the reality of that was hard for my mom. She was in her late 40's and still interested in going out, making new friends etc.... and he was nearly 70 and ready to just kind of live a quiet life at home. They had accounted for the "medical" side of him being older than her- health issues, him dying first etc.- but not the energy side of things... and honestly I don't think they'll ever be at the same place in that respect again.

I thought a lot about the bolded with my marriage. It concerned me, especially since we don't have any kids and I'd be on my own. But, then I got cancer. And now, we worry about my health and stamina more so than his. I have always been "slower" than him in some ways- he runs half marathons, likes to go to concerts, and meet up with friends. I'm more interested in using my free time to sleep in and relax at home. I'd say we're now we're more balanced out.

Another plus is that I have never wanted kids and come next week, I'll no longer be able to have them (have to have surgery). Well, the cancer didn't exactly help with the matter, either. I, personally, do not like the idea of having kids when my H is so much older. I didn't think it was very fair to him or the hypothetical kids. So, thankfully, it was a conversation we never had to have.

That's a really great example of how so much is out of our control... you can marry someone who's the same age as you and there's still no guarantee you'll grow old together the way you envision. 

Good luck with your surgery . I hope it goes as easily as possible for you.

spockforprez

FH is 9 years older than me. I will be 27 and he 36 when we get married. I also dated guys 12, 15, and 18 years older than me. I think all of those were fine except the 18-year one. And I don't necessarily think it was the gap itself but the age I was (only 19 at the time and he was 37!) that really made the big difference and could have caused an issue of power imbalance or manipulation. In my particular case, he was very kind and cautious and we never really had an issue with anything before we broke it off (due to having almost nothing in common, obvs). But there was a big potential for it IMO. 

hellohkb

H is 6 years older. If we were ever to break up, I'd probably date someone older. I find myself unattracted to guys my age (20s)and find greater appeal in men in their 30s and 40s. My parents are 16 years apart, so I'm definitely used to seeing an age gap in relationships! 

Though the relationship you discussed is definitely pretty.. Odd.

KeyToHisHeart2017

FI and I are only 4 years apart, so not much of a difference, even though he still jokes about "being an old man and robbing the cradle." His mom, however, is 52 and married to a 27 year old, who happens to be in the middle of her 4 childrens ages. It was weird at first, but we've warmed up to it as time has gone by and he is now Grandpa B(Name) to 7 grandkids. Lol They are both happy and seem to bring out the best in each other, so age difference isn't really an issue. 

WinstonsGirl

DH is just over 9 years older than me.  I didn't ask how old he was when we first met, cos I was worried he was going to say 40-something.  When I finally did and I heard the start os 'thirty' I was pretty pumped (He was 39, I was 30).  Where we are now, it doesn't really matter, though I do worry about the future a bit.  I want him around, and I know it's likely that I'll spend quite a bit f time without him when I'm older.  We're pretty set up for retirement, I think though, as my pension will kick in at 55, and as he'll be 65, I'm thinking we can retire then and travel and such.  

kmmssg

DH and I are 2 1/2 yrs apart, ex-dh and I were 10 1/2 years apart.
I see ex several times a year at our gkids bday parties (like this past weekend) and sometimes oldest DD hosts both of us at holidays so her out of state sister doesn't have to run the roads so much to visit when she is in town.

ex-dh is 66 and I am 55.  He has chosen to decide he is an old man.  He acts like he is 90.  When he turned 60 it really played with his head and boom, he was old.  I made the comment (again) this weekend after they left the party that I was glad we weren't married because he has given up on life pretty much and has decided to wait for the Grim Reaper to show up.

On the flip side of that, I have a colleague who is also retired military.  J is 69 and I wish you luck in keeping up with him.  He hikes Isle Royale most years (you better be in damn good shape if you are going to do that.  DS's  Boy Scout troop used to practice for weeks before they went up there to hike).  J does it solo.

J and his wife are 19 years apart.  He has one DD who he not at all fond of (loves her, not crazy about her).  He met C and they hit it right off - she didn't want any kids.   They have been married for 20ish yrs and most people envy them.  They travel internationally all the time, they are always active, entertaining people, and highly engaged in life.  My 10 yr difference was a disaster and their 19 yr difference is still a romance story people would die for.  

I do think a 60 yr old man marrying a teenager is creepy as Hell.  And to hear she has suffered multiple miscarriages is heartbreaking.  I wish her family would reconsider their contact with her as she needs their support right now and must be in a very lonely place.

climbingsingle

To each their own. My cousin is currently dating a guy that is 19 years older than her, and she's the happiest I've ever seen her. However, my cousin is also 30.

I do find it creepy and weird and a little wrong for an 18 year old to be married to someone that is in their 60s, especially considering they were in a mentor/mentee relationship. IMO, 18 year olds also have no business being married. At 18, you're still so young. 

scrunchythief

When I see people around my age (mid 20s) or younger with people older than my father (early 50s), I generally think it's creepy.  There are some cases where it works, but I've never personally seen one.  Then I think that the older the younger party is, the better chance there is of a good relationship.

Add in that this was her mentor and the wedding was right after graduation, this doesn't sound like a good situation.  I had a chemistry teacher in high school that married two students right after they graduated (divorced the first one).  No idea how he wasn't fired.  

It may also just be me, but I'm a little alarmed at her having had so many miscarriages so young.  Has she seen a doctor?  

@tigerlily6, I think you're doing the right thing.  If this is an abusive relationship, then her family's isolating her can make things worse.

banana468

DH and I are two months and 3 days apart.   We met in college and were friends first.   The added benefit is that our friends are our peers and have similar interests / kids of the same age.

I've seen successful marriages with differences of 10 years apart.   It seems that when the relationship begins with one person to young to consent and the other old enough to be the parent that things are ..... off. 

indigo26

I think it depends on the people in the relationship. I do find the 18 year old and 60 year old to be a little creepy because he was her mentor. I'm also not a big fan of teenagers getting married but that's just from seeing so many of those marriages end badly.

As far as age gaps, I guess I have one of the largest here. I'm 27 and he's 54 (for those who hate math, that's 27 years). We met and started dating when I was 25 and our wedding is this July. Honestly its the best relationship I've ever had. When I told my mom and friends about him, none of them were surprised - in fact my best friend told me she was expecting me to end up with someone older than me. My frustrations in dating other men is that they didn't have their lives together enough for me. I was living on my own, supporting myself, and working on school so I could get into a better career. Many of the men I met in their 30s and 40s were still living with parents or on their own but constantly struggling. I'm not materialistic, but I also refuse to be the partner who consistently carries the other all the time (which is what happened with my first fiance). With my FI I have someone who is just as financially stable and as mature as I am. He's done enough retirement planning that when he does retire in 5-10 years, I won't have to worry about being the only source of income for the two of us. He is the first guy that my mother has wholeheartedly approved of. As far as differing energy levels - I'm the homebody and he's the one who wants to go out and do stuff, so normally he's the one pulling me away from my books and laptop to go interact with the public. Its not for everyone, but it works for us.

CharmedPam

tigerlily6 said:

Wondering what opinons are about big age gaps between partners. 

My FI and I are only 6.5 years apart.  Every situation and every person is different.  My sister married someone 13 years older than her and already had children over 18.  My parents weren't too too happy about it but everyone loves him and they are the perfect match imo.  They even started a family of their own, giving me the best nieces  I could ever ask for. 

edit: I just now realized "out of high school" and 60. Yup, agree with PP's, it is very weird and inappropriate

Heffalump

DH and I 5 years apart.  That's the biggest gap of anyone I ever dated seriously.  It's worked out pretty well, except that occasionally he references TV shows that came on after my bedtime.

teddygirl9

SO and I are less than a year apart. To me, if someone is old enough to be your parent/young enough to be your child, it creeps me out a bit. Not saying it can't work or anything, but 15+ years and it just makes me go 'hmm'. Obviously being with someone so close in age, and pretty much all of my friends and family have stuck +/- 5 years in age, so that's what I'm used to.

labro

H and I are just over a year apart in age. He's older, I'm younger. We graduated college at the same time though because he took 5 years and I finished in 4, so when we met we were pretty much on the same life path.

My dad is 11 years older than my mom. She definitely keeps him young and active. I think my dad looks younger than his actual age too so it doesn't look "off" when you see them together or even when they got married. My mom had already been in the work force for a few years when they started dating. I think it would have been weirder if she had been 18 when they met/got married but since she was financially independent and mature for her age it worked out.

ShesSoCold

H and I are about a year and a half apart, so NBD. I agree with PPs that the gap matters less the older you are and your maturity and adultyness are more important.

When I was 19, right as H and I started dating, this 28 year old guy was trying to date me. That was a HUGE nine years to me, especially since we were pretty even personality wise. We were both potheads living with our parents. I knew even then that I did not want to still be doing that shit when I was 21, let alone 28.

lembaslover

DH is 6 months older than me. I really thought I'd end up with an older man but honestly DH is (at his own admission) basically an old man in a young guys body. I'd mostly dated guys my age (+/- 2 years) but most of them weren't mature enough for me and therefore it didn't work out. I did date one guy about 10 years older however in a lot of ways he was less mature than DH is. So I think it depends on the people and I think life stage is a lot more important than the age number itself. ie. a 25 year old will probably find a better match with a 45 year old if they are both working professionals supporting themselves than a 25 year old working professional and a 25 year old who is still a college frat boy.

I agree with PP though that a 60 year old with a teenager does not sound ok, especially with the mentor relationship factored in. However I hate when families shun people for making choices they don't agree with. It rarely will change the choices the person has chosen and instead leaves them vulnerable in a time where they might really need support. I'm glad you're there for her OP, it sounds like even if she hasn't reached out yet she could really use some support.

badbnagdway

I agree with others that the OP example (a teenager marrying a 60 year old) is creepy. I can't pretend to know the dynamic but a 42 year age gap in combination with him knowing her in a mentor relationship before she was an adult is a red flag. I tend to question whether their relationship was appropriate while she was still in high school given how quickly they got married after she turned 18. 

Age gaps are not per se creepy though. It depends on the gap size and the people. As you get older I also think wider age gaps become more understandable. A difference of 15 years when one partner is 18 and the other 33 is likely to be a bigger seeming difference in terms of emotional maturity and stability than where one partner is 30 and the other is 45. 

I used to think I was destined to be with an older man but my husband is about the same age as me (he's about a year younger). I think the hard stuff if there is a big age difference is being at different points in life and having a big gap when you are also parents to children. My dad has two late in life children with his second wife (who is about 10 years younger) and at 67 has two kids in college. That's kinda tough, I don't know when he'll ever retire. 

Jells2dot0

Interesting.

I've never had anyone question my relationship with my H in terms of creepiness or of being concerned with my well being. Probably because I'm the way more dominant personality. I am very strong, independent, and blunt. Always have been.

I have had people question whether I was his trophy wife. He must be extremely wealthy and I'm arm candy, right? I always throw out to those people that we work together doing the same job, and in fact, I'm higher on the org chart.

I've also had people assume I was his daughter, which is funny. His daughters wear a ton of makeup and look a lot older because of it. I don't wear any makeup and look a bit younger. So, people see us together and just assume.

I've also had people comment that H must be going through some sort of mid-life crisis and needed to fulfill some fantasy of being dragged around the clubs by a much younger woman. I didn't drink for the first few years of the relationship due to health issues and I go to bed at 9 every night.

Clearly these people don't know us at all. They just judged at first glance.

But, creepy or manipulative? Big old nope.

princessleia22

DH is 6.5 years older than me.  My parents questioned it a bit at first, but got over it once they got to know him.  I think a lot of the problem with us is that he looks older (has had grey hair since he was 18) and I look younger than my age... like to the point that people have mistaken him for my dad. 

Growing up, our family had a friend who was in her 20's when she married a guy who was 70's... there was about 50 year age difference between them.  But, they were married for over 20 years until he passed away and were one of the happiest couples I've ever met. 

I do think there can be healthy relationships with big age gaps, but it definitely depends on circumstances.  I'd be more leery of a relationship where they knew each other when one was a teen and especially if they were a mentor of some sort.  Then it just seems creepy. But I guess that doesn't necessarily mean there were weird, creepy intentions behind it.

tigerlily6

Thanks, everybody. You are confirming my feeling of apprehension over my OP situation is not unfounded. I totally agree that overall, it's less about the actual span of time gap vs. a maturity gap. If both partners are in similar and independent places in their lives, regardless of their age, and share similar goals, then I feel okay with that. The young lady I used to babysit (I'll call her Jane) still definitely strikes me as a rather typical 19 year old. 

I'm actually fairly close with her mom, who is a friend of the family. I know that the mother is really devastated, feels very betrayed by Jane's husband, but would love to get her daughter back. She's made it clear to Jane that she is concerned about her, would love to talk with her, and that Jane is always welcome back home.  But mom is not letting husband set foot on the property, as she wants nothing to do with him. Jane says she can't go home and can't talk to her mom anymore because she won't support her marriage. I can't tell if that's Jane being rebellious and putting up barriers that aren't really there, or if her new H is really behind the scenes encouraging this isolation. Not sure, but they moved ~ 500 miles away from Jane's family last year, so her contacts with people she knew is really limited.

I admit Jane's mom can be a bit of a "tough love" kind of person,  has a bit of a temper, and could maybe present her support more gently. But what really raised flags to me was when a lot of Jane's peers have ended up defriended by Jane, since they expressed their concerns (on FB as well as in person, presumably) about her marriage. A lot of them were really upset to see Jane completely give up on the job she had been training for and so excited to start after graduation. Jane doesn't work at all now. 

The more I've read this thread, I think I've realized that it's not really the difference in age that bothers me. Jane's H could be her same age, and I would still be concerned with the way her marriage has basically had her cut herself off from others. Like I said, she will share vague expressions like "Bad day, I miss home" to me sometimes, but won't divulge much else. And I'm wary of pressing her for too much, lest I am deemed to be on the "bad list" and she no longer talks to me at all. 

SP29

I think it's more about life stage than the actual number. 

I feel like 18 and 28 is a much bigger difference than 28 and 38 (or even 48- picking random numbers here). When you've got one person who is potentially still in school, figuring out their career, and figuring out who they are, there are likely to be issues when they are with someone who is established, wants to settle down and start a family. Of course I am assuming, there are many responsible know-what-they-want young people, and also older adults who don't want to "settle" down. 

In OPs case, I think when there is a role of power (such as a mentor, teacher, boss, etc) it can really skew things and I would question the overall safety (such as emotional) of the younger party. 

anjemon

@tigerlily6  I was thinking as I read this thread how valuable it must be to your friend Jane to have you to talk to. She probably doesn't know it yet, but it is really great that she has someone from her old life who she can talk to. The day may come when she will need someone to listen and it will be very beneficial that she can talk to you.

Although I don't really have any place to give advice, I think it's a good choice for you not to rock the boat with her. Because her trusting you enough to possibly talk with you may be more valuable than whatever you might discover.